This Is Why We Fight
by Birdie Lo Green
Summary: September 1st 1971, six children came together under a ceiling enchanted to look like the night sky. Perceptions were challenged and flaws accepted. Secrets were exposed and hearts broken. They loved and they lost and for better or worse, they made it in to the history books.
1. Prologue

Remus Lupin

Severus Snape

Peter Pettigrew

Sirius Black

Lily Evans

James Potter

* * *

Once these were just the names a group of eleven year olds wrote on the front of their school books. They became the cast list of a tragedy incredible enough to make the front page.

* * *

They made up for a quarter of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's graduating class of '78 (five courageous Gryffindors and a single sorry Slytherin). The Sorting Hat knew each better than they came to know themselves, and if anybody had asked it how each of them thought they would have died, it could have told them in the plainest of terms; that Remus would want to die standing up for what he believed in and Severus, protecting somebody he loved. Whilst Peter had only wanted to know that somebody was waiting on the other side and Sirius would want to go laughing. However James would have wanted to die locked in fierce battle and Lily would have wanted to live forever as happy as when she was with them.

* * *

Ultimately, each was touched by untimely death. They were casualties of war, or rather two separate wars, in which the same enemy wiped out whole generations of some families and left more placing annual bouquets beneath weather beaten headstones. But before all of that they were childhood friends, enemies and lovers; shoulders to cry on, mean right hooks and hands to hold. School taught them the properties of plants, the lifespan of underwater beasts and the antidotes to fatal poisons. Life had lessons too; that the bitterest betrayals had no remedy, that consequences could echo on for decades like the ripples in a lake and that even the shortest lives could leave an indelible mark upon the long history of men. The beautiful miracle in all of it was a child with his mother's eyes and his father's hair. The legacy of the little 'boy who lived' and the man who longed to master death became the only immortality they would ever share.

* * *

Though none of it would have been possible without love-paternal, platonic, unrequited and true. But it was a handful of letters heavy with promise which lit a candle beneath their twisted cat's cradle...

_**A/N:** This story is from one Marauder to three others, circled by cities and separated by oceans, throwing words at one another; my soul sister and saint **Mathilda** who never stops telling me that I'm good for something; **PrioritiesSorted,** the Pre-Raphaelite voyager who literally lives in my pocket and **the-wolf-and-the-star** in the hope that one day soon he'll be on our turf for tea fueled adventures._

_**A/N:** REVIEWS are like smiles from a stranger...a really hot stranger...wearing a 3 piece suit...and tipping his hat._


	2. November 5th 1970

**A/N: **_Rated M for later chapters. Please review on your favourite Marauder backstory. I'm intrigued to discover who will come out on top!_

**NOVEMBER 5****TH**** 1970**

Number Twelve Grimmauld Place: a handsome six story London town house, accommodated two generations of the 'ancient' and 'noble' Black family by the fall of 1970. It also played host to a mixed bag of extended family and aristocratic acquaintances. Orion Black Sr had inherited the property in the summer of his 20th year, in the wake of his parents' untimely deaths. In memory of his late mother, he had vowed to refill its empty hallways with the easy laughter of his youth.

* * *

A decade later, an arranged marriage to the radiant daughter of his mother's first cousin once-removed, Walpurga had bore him a steady social climb, an impressive bank balance and two sons to carry on the family name and motto 'Toujours Pur' (Always Pure). Their education was Walpurga's highest priority. Both were taught at home in an effort to shield them from the outside influences of bad blood. They only accompanied their parents to functions held in specific social circles. Orion paraded them on display like fine china; well dressed, educated and behaved and fully aware of what was expected of them. Well built, dark eyed, handsome and elegant; Orion's sons were his replica in miniature. A strict routine and a firm hand had resulted in two talented musicians and academics with a flair for the arts but they could not have been more different. One was shy and introspective whilst the other was outgoing and rebellious. Their sheltered upbringing had bonded the polar opposites together but childhood could not last forever.

* * *

Sirius Black had often used the fact that he was the eldest son to get his own way. This included his expansive fourth floor bedroom at the front of the house but he still shared a bathroom with his little brother Regulus. The boy spent most of his time sitting on Sirius's rug or at the end of his bed, incessantly trailing him everywhere with juvenile questions. In earlier years a simple deceptive game of 'hide-and-go-seek' was enough to allow Sirius the solitude he craved. Now Regulus was old enough to know better of his brother's intentions. Sirius's game had also unintentionally caused Regulus to seek out every nook and cranny in the house, making secret hideouts no longer so covert. However there was one place Sirius had kept quiet for years. Within the first floor drawing room, a hanging tapestry detailed the roots and reaching arms of the Black family tree. Hidden behind it and down a thin spiralling staircase was a storage room. It was filled with broken and forgotten things and it was there that Sirius Orion Black felt most at home.

* * *

**"Master Black!"** Sirius stopped pulling faces in a cracked old mirror jumping with a start. He dropped the cigar (stolen from his father's study) that he had been using as a prop under an old chest. The family house elf, Kreacher, passed down through several generations had appeared in the room with a loud crack. He was dressed in rags and was the dirtiest thing in their house. He served their family with a fierce sense of pride and was not permitted to part with them until the master of the house presented him with clothes. Whilst Orion Sr had often given Kreacher a beating for unsatisfactory work done, he was simply too valued by the household to be let go. He had served as a large part of the Black children's upbringing; fed, bathed and dressed them, scheduled their time and chaperoned them whilst out of their parents' supervision since infancy. None of that changed the fact that his bulbous watery blue eyes gave Sirius the creeps or that his physical inability to lie had always gotten Sirius in to trouble.

* * *

**"Mistress has been calling you for quite some time-"**

**"I do have ears,"** Sirius sighed bitterly, flicking at one of Kreacher's drooping bat like ears. He had spent the morning and the better half of his afternoon stuck in classes (reading, writing, arithmetic, music and languages) and taken several lashings of a leather strap from Kreacher for acting out of turn. He found it hard to concentrate at the best of times but it was his birthday. He didn't see why he had to study. He had wanted a lie in and breakfast in bed and to watch the fireworks. So far Regulus was the only person who had so much as acknowledged what day it was. Lunchtime had consisted of a horribly dry sandwich as he was barred from the kitchen to make way for celebration preparations and he wasn't allowed in the garden for similar reasons. He was in a foul mood and had no desire to see his irritating relatives, even if they did come bearing gifts. He was eleven now and the ingrained routine of the last decade was about to be turned on its head. He'd be going to a real school where he'd meet other kids he wasn't related to. He acted out in the knowledge that no punishment could follow him where he was going.

**"Watch your mouth, Master Black. Mistress has put a lot of effort into celebrations and you shan't ruin them with your impertinent attitude!"** Sirius snorted. His mother had never cooked a day in her life. Kreacher had been responsible for every meal the Blacks had ever had and Sirius's birthday dinner would probably be no exception. His parents, little brother Regulus, two aunts and uncles and three cousins were in attendance but Sirius and Regulus would be the only boys. Orion always preached about the strength of his genes as his brother-in-law had three daughters in succession. He was also careful to keep his sons in male company. Time with their cousins had made Sirius and Regulus adept at braiding hair and dancing and a little too sensitive for their father's liking. Though Sirius liked his cousins the thought of being stuck in a group of girls at school filled him with dread.

* * *

**"Guests will be arriving soon,"** Kreacher informed him impatiently. Sirius took any opportunity for vengeful attempts at getting the house elf in to trouble. As a result of this back and forth battle of wits neither liked the other very much. Parents could not have favourites but Kreacher was very vocal about his and it wasn't Sirius. **"You must change immediately and be ready to greet them at the door, sir."** It was Kreacher's duty to make sure that Sirius was where he should be at all times. If he wasn't, Kreacher got it in the neck which almost made the clap around the ear Sirius received worth it too. **"Your father hates-"**So many of Kreacher's subtle urging sentences began this way that the effect was lost on Sirius.

**"I know,"** Sirius huffed. He had stuck his arm under the dusty chest and was reaching towards the back for the stolen cigar. He pulled it out to find it and his arm coated in a thick layer of grime. Kreacher made a noise like a kettle and apparated the pair of them out of the room and in to Sirius's bedroom. He took a clothes brush out of his rags and cleaned Sirius off.

**"No stalling master Black!"** Sirius stared disdainfully at the outfit which had been laid out for him on the bed, namely a velvet dinner jacket which was uncomfortably tight in the arms and matched his brother's. **"Wear the jacket! No complaining! Hurry up!"**

* * *

Bathed and dressed, Sirius took a detour to return the stolen cigar to his father's study before he noticed it was missing. **"Sirius, eleven!"** He froze at the sound of his mother's voice on the other side of the door. **"Our first born is growing up. No need to be so tense darling, it happens to us all."**

**"Grow up, he may,"** came his father's deep, even voice, **"but in what company? Perhaps we ought to keep him taught at home-"**

**"You're being ridiculous!"** his mother shrilled, **"You and I met at ****_that_**** school and his name has been down since the day he was born. Go, he must. The girls will keep a close eye on him Orion."** The floorboards squeaked and Sirius stared up the hall at Kreacher who was standing on the loose step at the bottom of the stairs with a satisfied smirk.

**"Get in here!"** his father's voice boomed into the hall. Sirius thought of the Black family tradition of beheading and mounting their house elves and tried to think of some way for this to happen to Kreacher. **"Sirius..." **his father sighed as he stepped quietly in to the room, **"Come here."** Sirius stepped gingerly towards him only to be slapped hard around the side of the head. **"I thought you had grown out of eavesdropping at keyholes."** Sirius blinked away tears and stood up straight as his mother looked across at him with a disappointed expression.

**"I'm sorry sir,"** Sirius said stoically and his mother stared down at him. Her beauty was one of the many reasons his father had chosen her as his wife. She was an elegant woman who had effortlessly furnished their house with heirlooms and their lives with interesting, cultured characters. She flitted about town in classic ensembles and she had a fiery personality which perfectly complimented her brooding husband.

* * *

**"Happy Birthday darling!"** she said pulling Sirius in to a brief hug. Sirius lingered with a smile. He had always been comforted by the smell of her perfume. She drew away with an austere smile. **"Look at this jacket!" **She pulled at the slightly short sleeves with a frown.

**"Perhaps Sirius ought to look inside the second drawer of my desk,"** his father said as he crossed the room. Sirius would not have put it past his father for his suggestion to have been a backwards trick and prepared himself for another slap. He lifted a white box out of the drawer. Inside wrapped in delicate paper was a checked, silk scarf similar to the one his father wore and a brand new dinner jacket. It was blue velvet with a black collar. His mother watched with a smile as Sirius slipped the new jacket and scarf on and stared at his reflection in the rain streaked study window. **"Happy Birthday boy."** By the time Sirius had turned to thank his father he had left the study with his mother in tow. He had never been much good at showing his affection but Sirius didn't mind as it gave him the cover to replace the stolen cigar.

* * *

Sirius greeted all of his guests at the front door; his cousins Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa, their mother Druella accompanied by her brother in law and Sirius's uncle, Alphard and finally his heavily pregnant aunt Lucretia and her husband Ignatius . **"Oh Sirius you do look handsome!" **Lucretia commented as he pulled out a chair for her in the dining room.

**"You look..."** Sirius tried not to get his foot stuck in his mouth as his cousins sniggered behind manicured hands. **"Radiant, just glowing aunt. I'm so glad you could com-"**

**"Drop the charm offensive Sirius,"** his cousin Bellatrix drawled, as she passed messing up his hair which his mother had combed herself.

**"You're only turning eleven, not in to your father**," Narcissa chimed, pulling his new scarf from around his neck.

**"Who by all accounts isn't even ****_that_**** charming,"** Andromeda added, turning up his collar and running away around the table to sit down.

**"Andromeda!"** her mother scolded and she pouted and sat down between her sisters. Sirius shook hands with his nervous uncle Ignatius.

**"Sirius! Look at the state of you,"** his mother shrilled as she stepped in to the dining room with her sister in-law Druella. Sirius stared at her aghast and then glared at his cousins who had stopped throwing his new scarf between them. Their tired looking mother Druella handed him back his fallen scarf with a kiss on both cheeks.

**"Happy Birthday, love."**

* * *

Sirius's father sat at the head of the table shrouding the inhabitants of the dining room in cigar smoke. **"Orion! Not around your sister! Lucretia is pregnant for heaven's sake!" **Sirius's mother swiped the cigar from her husband's lips and gave it to Kreacher, who stubbed it out on his own hand and slipped the butt in to Orion's pocket. He was preoccupied by his eccentric younger brother Alphard who was righting Sirius's wonky scarf with a laugh.

**"Fine scarf, Orion,"** he said with almost a hint of teasing and a wink at Sirius. Wealth and privilege had made many members of the Black family quite uptight but Sirius had always felt a natural affinity with his childless uncle Alphard. He had told him often that he thought of Sirius as a son and always gave the best presents. He had a habit of undermining their father's attempts at discipline as he didn't believe in smacking children. He believed in many strange things as a result of extensive travels. Orion did his best to keep him away from his sons, excluding family events in which he had no choice. **"Happy birthday."** Alphard pulled Sirius in to a tender hug. **"You'll stop growing up now, won't you? Surely eleven is enough."** He was a drinker like his brother but much merrier with it. He handed Sirius a small wrapped gift. **"Dungbombs,"** he whispered with another wink, **"In case you get any stupid grown up ideas you need to blow out of the water."**

* * *

The long dining table usually seated ten but an extra chair had been added at the end to accommodate their guests. Narcissa had taken one of the seats opposite Orion at the very end but the extra beside her was empty. **"Hand the boy his letter Orion. He's itching!"** Alphard barked from his seat beside Sirius. In all the commotion Sirius had almost forgotten that an infamous acceptance letter was what made his eleventh birthday such a defining moment in his life. Orion snapped his fingers and Kreacher appeared carrying a gold trimmed piece of the Black family china on which sat a heavy envelope. Under all their watchful eyes, Sirius took it up and tore it open, ripping through his name in that infamous emerald green ink:

_Mr S. Black,_

_Fourth Floor Front Bedroom,_

_12 Grimmauld Place,_

_London_

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizardry)_

_Dear Mr Black,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

He looked excitedly across at his cousins; Bellatrix had just graduated from Hogwarts and could not have looked less happy for him, Narcissa would be returning in 4th year and Andromeda in 6th and both were smiling serenely. Hogwarts had four houses which students were sorted in to based on their personalities. Every member of the Black family to date had gone through Slytherin house where there was practically a bed with Sirius's name on it. This had given them something of a superiority complex when it came to the other houses which Sirius's father maintained were 'swimming in bad blood'.

* * *

**"We're ****_so_**** proud,"** Bellatrix remarked dryly. **"Your bed wetting phase had us all terrified that you were a squib."** Orion chuckled and drained his whiskey glass whilst Alphard narrowed his eyes at his niece.

**"Filling out there Bella dear,"** he sniped, making Ignatius snort, **"Best be careful. With a smart mouth like that no man in his right mind will marry you."** She was silenced and threw a napkin ring across the table at her giggling sisters. Sirius stuffed the letter in to the pocket of his dinner jacket.

**"Aren't we missing someone?"** Narcissa asked, nodding at the empty chair at her side. Sirius's mother surveyed the table, mentally counting heads and then gasped.

**"Reg! Where is that boy? Sirius go and find him,"** she demanded. **"We're trying to have a mature evening for your birthday and he's off playing hide-and-go-seek!"** Sirius smirked and left the table in search of his little brother.

* * *

Sirius didn't bother taking the stairs to his and his brother's bedrooms on the fourth floor as Kreacher was standing in the hallway. He still needed to get him back for making his presence known earlier but he was pointing a long bony figure in the direction of his father's study with a knowing expression. Sirius nodded and carried on in to the room. He looked under the desk and behind the leather sofa but didn't find his brother there. Under the music from the dining room, he could hear someone sniffling softly nearby. He slipped a book on taxidermy techniques from the bookcase and it opened with a creak to reveal another room entirely. Sirius stepped through in to the hunting room. It was filled wall to wall with a collection of rare and exotic stuffed animals from house elf heads, to clabberts, winged horses, owls and their father's most prized, a unicorn head. Regulus's little dinner jacket was currently hanging from the horn.

* * *

Sirius and Regulus had often set up a tent and a picnic at the centre of the room and would entertain each other with valiant, dangerous, exciting tales involving each creature. Their small yellow canvas camping tent was sitting on the rug, glowing and lit from a lamp inside. Sirius could see a shaking silhouette. **"Reg, don't cry**." He removed the pocket square from his new jacket and passed it through the tent opening to his brother. **"I'm only eleven. I'm not going to die for a million years yet."** There was the loud childish blowing of a nose from the tent and then a small hand emerged with the soiled pocket square. **"You keep it."**

**"Did you get your letter?"** asked a quiet voice.

**"Yes-"**

**"No need to sound so happy!"** he snapped, **"Though I bet you are, to be getting away from me! I'm going to be all alone!"** Regulus broke down into snivelling tears again and Sirius sighed and climbed in to the tent.

**"You'll have Kreacher,"** he said which only made his brother cry more. **"And you'll be joining us all in a year. That's no time at all, especially seeing as you'll be writing to me once a week."**

**"I will?"** Regulus stared up at Sirius wiping his eyes on his sleeves.

**"You better,"** Sirius said squeezing his shoulder, **"With all that horrible homework to do, I'll need a good yarn about Bellatrix being pooped on by a fleet of winged horses to tide me through."** Regulus giggled and threw his arms around his older brother.

**"Happy birthday, Sirius...You're not even gone yet and I already miss you, is that weird?"** he asked, as they crawled out of the tent together.

**"Probably but you ****_are_**** weird,"** Sirius stated. He grabbed Regulus's dinner jacket and helped him slip it back on. They left the taxidermy room together but Regulus's upset expression lingered. **"Don't worry. I'm weird too. You can't escape it in this family."**

_**A/N:**__The Black brothers have always been held close to my heart. Mostly because I couldn't imagine growing up so close and then parting so very far from a brother. _

_Could you? _

_I think it's awful that neither knew the best of the other in the end..._


	3. January 30th 1971

**JANUARY 30****TH**** 1971**

**"Lily Evans! Stop staring out of the window and pay attention!" **Ten year old, Lily Evans snapped straight in her seat. She was a terminal daydreamer. She devoutly believed that she had fallen through a tear in space and time to be at her school desk in such a humdrum little place. She didn't think that she was any different from her classmates. She had both a mother (a florist) and father (a teacher) and a bossy older sister and they all lived together in the corner house of a long street in an industrial northern England town. She wore the same checked dress uniform to school as all of the other girls and liked to play hopscotch in the schoolyard. She was a completely ordinary little girl.

* * *

Nothing about Lily stood out apart from her blazing red hair and emerald green eyes which had 'skipped a generation' to be hers. She didn't have any enemies and she didn't really have a best friend. She spent most of her free time with her sister Petunia; pressing flowers, staging plays, catching bugs and frogs, playing by the stream, baking and helping out at their mother's shop. As the older sister, Petunia already thought she knew everything. She had dark hair and hazel eyes like their mother and often annoyed Lily so much that she wished she was adopted. The fact that Lily had gotten her father's snub nose and chubby cheeks blew that theory out of the water.

* * *

She wanted to be en explorer when she grew up whilst Petunia wanted to be a princess. Lily had survived falls from very tall trees and Petunia cried foul, stamping her foot whenever Lily kept them out after curfew because she was scared of the dark. Their father had given them his pocket watch but time had a habit of running away from Lily. She always managed to get Petunia to forgive her with a fantastical bedtime story. Petunia's most prized possessions was a battery powered portable record player that had once belonged to their mother. Lily's was her library card as it offered her an escape in to the kind of worlds where she belonged. Worlds with genius schoolgirls who could do magic and boys who never grew up, where together they discovered secret gardens at the back of old wardrobes and spoke to the animals.

* * *

Lily may have gotten good grades at school but she was not of genius intelligence. She hadn't started talking until she was two. Despite her scouring, her hometown didn't seem to possess any secret gardens. The only things at the back of wardrobes in her house were old toys and board games. Her next door neighbour's bulldog, George had once bitten her sister Petunia but he had never apologized and as much as her parents hated it, Lily was growing up. It was her eleventh birthday and her father hadn't allowed her to skip school as most children did. Her parents did the same thing every year; made no mention of her birthday, watched as the pile of wrapped gifts on the table grew as she dug them out of their numerous hiding places and then held a small costume party for her in the back garden. More than half of her class were coming as well as some of Petunia's friends and everybody seemed excited by the prospect of dressing up. September brought with it the transition to secondary school. Whilst that meant escaping her annoying sister, Lily also had enough older cousins to know that it also meant that she only had 5 months left before homework, discos and boys drained all the fun out of life.

* * *

When the bell rang to signal the end of the day at four, Lily grabbed her sister's hand and they raced home. Lily won and dropped her book bag on the front step. She picked a parcel out of the flower pot by the front door and a card from under the welcome mat. There was another in the shoe box and the bread bin, two in the sofa and one in the airing cupboard. Her last present wasn't wrapped because her father had been preparing it for the last two weeks. He was standing with her mother in front of the door at the very end of the hall. It was pink and adorned with a gold plaque which read 'LE'. It had once been her father's study but now he had promised that when she turned eleven she could have her own room. Lily bounced excitedly on the top step and Petunia stood behind her with arms crossed. **"Happy Birthday darling!"** Lily hugged her mother and then her father who gave her a single wrought iron key. She kissed his cheek and turned the key in the lock. Lily screamed excitedly and ran in to the room running her hands over everything. Her bedroom was beautiful. The patterned wallpaper remained but her father had; torn up the carpets to reveal the floorboards below; put down a fluffy rug; repainted the old chest of drawers white; reupholstered the old wooden chair and gotten her a pretty brass bed like the ones from her storybooks. Her books filled two bookcases and her collection of fairy figurines and toy animals were lined up on the windowsill. The small alcove where her father had once kept an old kettle and lots of teabags was now fitted with shelves to display her collection of seashells. The very love worn stuffed rabbit she had had since birth was lying on top of the duvet. Lily threw her arms around her father's legs.

**"I love it! I love it! I love it! Thank you daddy!"**

* * *

Petunia lost her sour expression when she noticed the gold plaque which read 'PE' on her own door and threw it open to see that her own bedroom had been revamped as well. Mr Evans liked to keep his girl's happy. Lily opened all of her presents at the kitchen table as her father snapped photographs. Her parents had bought her six of her favourite books, a new leather satchel and some more records for her mother's old record player. Her relatives had sent her money, a pair of binoculars, a coin purse, a tin of coloured pencils and drawing paper and several cards. The last envelope was heavy and the hand writing was even more beautiful than her father's. It was made of yellowish parchment and the back was adorned with a purple wax seal bearing a strange coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger and a snake surrounding a large letter 'H'. It had to be a joke from her uncle Bob who was always telling her father that she lived in a fantasy world but it was addressed to her as plain as day in ink the same colour as her eyes:

_Miss L. Evans,_

_The New Bedroom,_

_42 Spinner's End,_

_Cokeworth_

* * *

She looked up at her father with a smile and he snapped a photograph. Her mother ushered her out of the kitchen desperate to finish preparations for the party before children began to arrive. Lily put the unopened letter in her mouth, gathered up her presents and headed to her room. She dropped her gifts on to the bed. At the sound of her sister's feet on the stairs she locked the door to her room and sat down at her desk to read the contents of the unknown envelope.

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizardry)_

Lily stopped reading to pull a face with a sigh. Someone was pulling her leg and she didn't appreciate it. It was probably Petunia which would explain the funny look on her face when she had spotted the envelope amongst her birthday cards.

_Dear Miss Evans,_

_Magical ability has the ability to skip generations and even flower unexpectedly within non-magical (muggle) families. Although neither of your parents may be of magical heritage, you are a (muggleborn) witch. _

_We are pleased to inform you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Arrive at the London establishment 'The Leaky Cauldron' 1 August. Show your letter to the barman and he will direct you in picking up your school supplies._

_Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

* * *

Unanswered questions flooded in to Lily's head and out her ears. She was the one who had a talent for storytelling. Petunia could not have thought up such a ruse. Still, Lily could not be a witch. She had read about them extensively and she didn't have any 'magical abilities'. She couldn't fly, or turn in to anything, or conjure the dead or know any spells. She had cursed Petunia many times but nothing had ever come of it. She couldn't really cackle and as much as Petunia often called her 'evil' she was perfectly nice to everybody. After reading 'Mathilda' she had tried her hardest to move a glass of water across the kitchen table using only her mind but it just went warm because she'd been sitting there so long. She had thrown enough glitter around her room and gotten bruises on her kneecaps jumping off her bed to know that it wasn't a successful replacement for fairy dust. Wanting things did not make them miraculously occur. There just was no such thing as magic.

* * *

From her bedroom window Lily could see that the garden was filling with children. She opened the window and waved down at her classmates. **"Lily darling, hurry up and get changed! There's a box under your bed!"** The pretty box under her new bed contained a long light blue nightgown with puffy sleeves and a length of blue ribbon. Wendy Darling from Peter Pan was Lily's number one favourite book character. Every day since reading that book she had wanted a strange boy to fly in to her window and take her away to somewhere more exciting. As she was swapping her long school socks for white ones and slipping back on her black shoes, she was distracted by a hooting sound from outside. She stuck her head out of the window and looked up. A fat, fluffy brown owl was perched on the gutter staring inquisitively at her. She had done a lot of bird watching around her neighbourhood and whilst she had seen a million pigeons, tree sparrows, bullfinches, blackbirds, sea gulls and even once a peregrine, she had never seen a real live owl before. She had read that they were shy creatures but it didn't seem at all disrupted by her presence or the children running and screaming down below. **"Lily! Get down here darling!"**

* * *

Lily pulled her window to a close and stuffed the letter and her copy of Peter Pan, drawing paper and the tin of pencils in to her new book bag and slung it over her shoulder. She unlocked her room, left and relocked it again, slipping the key in to her left sock. Petunia was standing at the top of the stairs in a yellow dress with a billowing blue skirt. There was a red ribbon holding back her hair. Lily smiled at her and stepped down two steps, turning around to pass her the blue ribbon for her hair. Petunia drew Lily's waist length red hair up in to a ponytail and tied the ribbon in to a bow. They went down the stairs together and their father snapped another photograph. Then he covered Lily's eyes with his hands and led her in to the full back garden. **"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"**

* * *

Lily smiled until her face hurt. She wore a gold card crown; danced; won at musical chairs, statues, pass the parcel and 'Simon Says'; broke the piñata in half; received lots of sweets, adorable drawings, cards and handmade gifts from school friends; and ate the most delicious fairy cakes, pirate ship biscuits and a birthday cake in the shape of a crocodile. She thanked everybody at the door and was quite tired when the house was quiet again but thoughts of the letter in her book bag had never been far from her mind. Once she had helped her mother clear up the mess she sat down on the back step and took out her letter again for a re-read. This was when she noticed the strangely dressed boy sitting cross legged on top of her garden shed. He was wearing green cords which made her smile and he had shaggy long black hair. He was staring at the owl which was still sitting, asleep now, in the gutter over her bedroom window .

* * *

When the boy spotted her watching him he jumped down from the shed, catching his arm on the fence and tumbling down in to the back alley. She stepped out of the back garden to find him lying on the dusty ground rubbing his knees. **"Are you alright? Do I know you?"** He noticed the letter in her hands and stood up.

**"You've got a letter too,"** he said with a smile that lit up his sallow complexion.

**"It's not a joke?"** Lily asked closing the back garden door and stepping out with him in to alleyway.

**"Of course not,"** he answered. **"I've got mine in my room. I could show it to you. My house is just there."** He pointed down the alley to a house a few down on their right which had a long thin back garden which backed opposite to hers. She stared at him sceptically. She had seen him around the neighbourhood but never really spoken to him as he didn't tend to leave his house. He had miraculously appeared atop her shed but he did not look the least bit like a wizard. **"Wait here. I'll get it."** He dashed away down the alley and into his own garden. Lily turned the open letter over in her hands wondering just what this boy had to gain from playing such a cruel trick on her.

**"Is that a love letter?"** Petunia was peering over the fence at her. **"That strange boy is always hanging out of his window to look at you whenever we walk home-"**

**"No, it isn't! Shut up! I'm going out-"**

**"Can I-"**

**"No!"** Lily snapped blocking the fence shut with her foot as Petunia pushed on the other side.

**"But Mum says that you're too young to wander the streets alone!"** she shrilled.

**"I won't be on my own and ****I'm****_ eleven_ now!"** Lily shouted, skipping away down the alleyway. **"Don't touch my new records!"**

* * *

The strange boy handed her his letter as they left the alleyway. She read it as they crossed the street on the way to the old cathedral at the back of the cemetery. He held out an arm to stop her from stepping in to a busy road and they carried on. His name was 'S Snape' and the letter had no mention of magical abilities skipping generations. **"Does it make a difference? Being muggleborn?"** she asked curiously. It had to be a little different to her being the only redhead in a family of brunettes. He considered her silently, his brow puckering and then shuck his head.

**"No. It doesn't make any difference."**

**"Are both your parents magical?"** She was full of questions and presented with someone who might be able to provide answers to them she couldn't stop them from slipping out in an endless stream.

**"Just my mother,"** he said curtly climbing up on the rusty scaffolding which supported the ancient building. Lily looked cautiously around afraid of getting caught as Severus held out a hand. **"It's safe."** Lily took his hand and they climbed the steel scaffolding steps up forty feet to the roof of the cathedral.

* * *

It was a good thing Lily wasn't afraid of heights. It was exhilarating to be so high up that the tall stained glass windows were below them. They slid along and down dirty slanted rooftops and through a small door in to an empty turret room. It had a domed roof and a circular window which looked down over the atrium. Severus lit up an old oil lamp with a smile illuminating the cramped space which was empty except for a few pillows on the floor, a slingshot and an old radio. As Lily sat down, Severus popped open the window and the church organ music echoed up from the atrium below. **"This is amazing,"** she declared, **"However did you find it?"**

**"Just exploring..."** he said sitting down too. He pulled a crumpled paper bag of sweets from his jacket pocket and offered them to Lily.

**"No thank you!"** She had already eaten her weight in junk food. **"I'm Lily, by the way. How come I never see you at school?"**

**"I get taught at home,"** he mumbled as though embarrassed, **"I'm not allowed out much...I'm Severus."**

**"I know,"** she said handing him back his letter. "**So this is real? I don't feel like a witch. I feel like everybody else."**

**"You're ****_not_**** like everybody else." **His dark eyes lingered over her dirty blue night gown with a smirk.** "Has anything ever happened that you couldn't make sense of? People told you that you were nuts?"**

**"No..." **Lily sighed, remembering attempts to move glasses of water and board dusters.** "Well I _have_ fallen out of a lot of trees..." **Lily remembered the fear rising up inside of her like a bubble as she fell.** "I'm quite clumsy really but somehow I never seem to get hurt..."**

**"That's magic and you did it..." **Severus stated. Perhaps it hadn't been fear inside of her after all. With every fall, she had expected the crunch of broken bones, only to _bounce_ to safety.

* * *

**"Only very powerful witches show signs of magic so early in life you know? They say stress can bring it out sooner too." **She wondered how he knew so much about everything, whether perhaps he owned books on the subject or just the school that she could borrow.

**"I can't do magic..." **she sighed,** "Can you?" **She hoped that the answer was no because she didn't want to go from being one of the best in class at her old school to one of the worst at this Hogwarts just because her parents weren't magical. Severus smirked and the window slammed shut of its own accord. Then he pointed at the oil lamp and it dimmed before pointing at her book bag on the floor. It hovered for a moment and then came crashing to the ground, causing her book to spill out.

**"Sorry."** Severus jumped to pick it up. **"It just takes practice." **He stared at her copy of Peter Pan with a frown.** "You shouldn't read these fairytales. They're not real."**

**"What hurt can they do?" **Lily asked enthusiastically, taking the book back and holding it to her chest.** "Everyone loves stories. Don't you?" **Severus twitched and turned off the oil lamp. It was beginning to get dark.

**"Only the ones with happy endings," **he replied sadly stepping out of the small room and back on to the roof. The cool night air ruffled his long hair as he stared away across the cemetery back to the emptying streets where the lamps had turned on.

**"Me too. It's so late! I have to get home," **Lily did not have her father's pocket watch but did not want to get in to trouble. Severus's smile seemed less genuine at the prospect of returning home.

**"It's dark. I should walk with you-"**It was very gentlemanly of him but Lily needed some time alone to think of a way to tell her parents that she was a witch and she was going to a special school in September rather than the prestigious all-girls school she had worked so hard all year to get into.

**"It's okay. I've got to run but...keep this**," Lily handed Severus her copy of Peter Pan with a smile, "**so that you remember to meet me tomorrow." **He looked down at it with an uncertain smile as they descended the steel scaffolding steps back to the ground.

**"Where?" **He asked as she ran off in the direction of home.

**"You know magic. You'll find me."**

_**A/N:** I thought a lot about the books I read and he tv and movies I watched as a girl when I wrote this. Things like Matilda and basically everything by Roald Dahl and everything Narnia and Peter Pan and Disney because ultimately Snily kind of always struck me as a fairytale fable with a meaning that Severus didn't quite grasp. _

_Were you a voracious reader when you were little, a tomboy climbing trees or both like Lily?_


	4. January 31st 1971

Severus Snape was raised almost single-handedly by books; 'almost' because his mother gave him the books. His first words were 'stop that'. He had an advanced reading age by five and had since devoured science fiction, the classics, horror, true crime, non-fiction and every single book he could get his hands on about magic, Hogwarts and the world they inhabited. His muggle father expressly forbid the presence of such items within the house, but unbeknownst to him titles were hidden within several bookcases inside of the cellar at the bottom of the house, where Severus was often banished. In the lead up to his son's eleventh birthday, Tobias Snape had become even more hostile than usual. He was so intimidated by his wife's magical abilities that she was not permitted to use them in the house and rarely did. The moment his son had shown signs of inheritance Tobias had responded with intense discipline as though he hoped he could demean the magic out of him. As such, Severus had not told his father about his Hogwart's letter. His mother however was bursting with pride and had vowed to take him to the station no matter the consequences. Severus had been so distressed by the idea of leaving her alone that he hadn't wanted to go, but Lily Evans had changed all of that. He had a friend.

* * *

**"Severus, baby, you're home so late." **He had walked home in the rain as slowly as possible and the night sky was navy when he came in through the front door. He tucked Lily's copy of Peter Pan in to the back of his trouser, covering it with his shirt. Then he slipped off his dirty shoes and entered the small living room where his mother planted a kiss on his forehead. She was a tall, frail woman with a long pale face, a slightly crooked nose and sparkling blue eyes.

**"He's ****_not_**** a baby Eileen,"** Severus's father croaked. He was sitting in an armchair by the fire with a bottle of beer. He was a well built man with heavy, dark eyes and the kind of sallow, lined face that could once have been handsome but had been ruined by a lifetime of bad deeds. He had not taken his eyes away from their small but blaring television.

**"Oh, look at the state of you," **Severus's mother muttered, pulling at his wet clothes. Severus shrugged her off and stood stiffly by the wall. **"Where have you been?" **Tobias turned his head to glance at his son.

**"You look like a drowned rat, boy."** Severus took this as his leave and made to cross the room.

**"I'll go and dry off-"**His father grabbed him about the wrist.

**"Not before you get your old man a top up,"** he said gruffly, releasing him. Severus took the empty bottle and carried on in to the kitchen.

* * *

**"I saw you running off with that girl."**

**"A girl?"** his mother squeaked as Severus returned with a chilled bottle of beer for his father.

**"She's a friend-"**

**"****_You_**** haven't got any friends,"** his father drawled callously, **"Because your ****_stupid_**** mother decided that you were too special for school." **His mother bowed her head.

**"All he got at that school were bruises-"**Severus's advanced reading age had not boded well with others his age. Neither had his second hand clothes and long hair and since the age of 6 he had been homeschooled. Severus sometimes wished he wasn't if only so that he could get away from his father for a couple of hours every day.

**"A little rough and tumble's good for a growing lad, not that he has grown much," **Tobias chortled. Severus clenched his jaw. He had been born prematurely and was still small for his age. Whilst his mother insisted that he made up for his lacking height in intelligence, the subject was a sore spot for Severus and his father often used it against him in jest. **"The ****_little_**** brat needs toughening up."** Tobias got to his feet to slap Severus lightly on both cheeks with a laugh.

**"Stop that,"** Severus insisted. His father stumbled and Severus righted him knocking the beer from his hands. They both watched it spill across the carpet as his mother shrieked.

**"Look what you did!"** his father growled and Severus stiffened. He dropped to his knees to reach an arm out before his crouching mother.

**"Sit, ma. I'll do it-"**His mother had graduated from Hogwarts with top grades and prospects but lost out to love. Tobias was a musician and she had fallen for him the moment she laid eyes on him at the back of a crowded Sunday service. He had been kind and faithful but he was neither of those things now. Although initially shocked and aghast at the revelation that the girl he loved was a witch, he was forced to remain at her side by an unexpected pregnancy. He never let Severus forget that he was the only reason he had stuck around. Severus often told him that he wished he hadn't bothered.

* * *

**"Pity you didn't get a letter from that school. We'd both be glad to see the back of you!"** his father shouted after him as he rushed in to the kitchen to grab a tea towel. He scrubbed the floor in silence as his father laughed loudly at the television. His mother stared down at him with a tender expression. Severus thought only of escape to Hogwarts with his new friend Lily. By the time he had finished his father had fallen asleep. He watched as his mother winked at him, slipping her wand from her sleeve, she dried off Severus's clothes with a quick spell. Then she closed her husband's nostrils and waited, until he sat forward with a choking gasp. Severus smirked and slipped unheard up the stairs in to his small bedroom. He threw himself on to the bed and pulled the book from the back of his trousers. He'd read it before but he would never admit that it was favourite. He took the crumpled Hogwarts letter from the pocket of his jacket to use as a bookmark and lay back down on the bed. He'd always liked the idea of Neverland and a little boy who defeated an evil, bitter old man but he had never liked the ending. He didn't think that Peter should have let anything get in the way of his feelings for Wendy. Constant fun and sunshine was all well and good but it was only the dark days which made a person appreciate that sometimes they got to live in the light. She was his salvation.

* * *

The next day he visited Lily at the schoolyard during her break. She left a game of hopscotch to come up to the gates with a dazzling smile**. "Whatever happened to you?"** she asked, the grin slipping from her face as she noted the nasty looking welt which had risen beneath his eye.

**"I fell,"** Severus lied. Mornings were a difficult time in the Snape household. Severus seemed to have a tendency to get deliberately in the way of his often hungover father and he had a habit of taking his resentment for his job out on his him. During the week, he worked as a chef at a restaurant and he simply couldn't stand to watch the happy couples and families which passed through the place. He had talent but it was shackled to his festering sense of antipathy. In years past he had he had not cooked often for his wife and son. **"Don't worry about it." **To top it all off, Severus had chosen that morning to shout at his father that he couldn't wait to get away from him at Hogwarts. He had torn his letter into shreds in a rage and Severus had spent an hour taping it back together.

**"This all seems like a waste,"** Lily sighed, nodding at the children playing in the harsh winter sunlight. **"Not long now I suppose."**

**"No,"** Severus agreed, though he was practically counting down the days (213). Lily looked much different in normal school clothes but she stood out amongst the others as the sun caught her blazing red hair. **"Can I walk you-"**

**"Look, it's that weird kid!"** Severus tensed as one of his childhood bullies caught sight of him. **"Look at those clothes. Do you know this gritter?"**

**"Gritter?"** Lily repeated naively, squinting in the sun.

**"Bum! Bag lady's son! He's trash. His father's a drunk and my uncle says his mum's a working girl-"**

**"If his mother works how is he a bu-"**he heard Lily ask as he ran away. He slammed the door behind him reminded of why he had left the house so little before. He couldn't stand the muggles much longer. He longed to be at Hogwarts with his own people where his intelligence would be recognised instead of scorned.

* * *

He had full reign of the house whilst his mother and father were at work so he put on some records and started on his chores. He washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen surfaces, brushed and mopped the floor, watered his mother's plants, hovered and dusted everywhere else and binned his father's beer bottles. He had just put out the bin bags, thinking about how much quicker everything would have been with magic, when Lily Evans knocked lightly on the glass of his peeling back door. **"I thought you wanted to walk me home," **she inquired softly. A smile tugged at Severus's lips and he swept the two books he had left out on the kitchen counter top in to his arms and stepped out into the small but well-kept back garden with a rickety old slide and swing set. **"What happened to your window?"** She stared at the boarded up corner of the back door with a frown. **"Have you been robbed?"**

**"No. Dad wasn't very happy about my Hogwarts letter." **Severus locked the back door and crossed the garden. He pulled back a loose shaft of wood within the tall back garden fence, held it up for Lily and they slipped through and out into a cobbled back alley.

**"He wasn't proud?"** Lily asked with a puzzled expression. **"My parents still think it's something I've made up-like one of my stories…"**

**"Father just wants me to be normal. He doesn't want me to go,"** he explained sadly.

**"But you have to go!"** Lily said spiritedly, her hands curling into stubborn little fists as she led the way down the length of the alley and turned left onto another street. **"It's your right!"**

**"Dad doesn't care much for those. He only sees wrongs. I do everything wrong."** Lily stared at him with a sympathetic expression.

**"Come and live with me. We'll adopt you!"** she said smiling brightly and pulling on Severus's arm until he smiled back, wincing at the pain of his eye.

**"That ****_does_**** sound nice...but I couldn't leave mum."**

**"Wasn't she happy? She's a witch. Wasn't she happy to have someone else who loves magic too?"**

**"She ****_is_**** happy that I get to escape from here...I just don't want to leave her behind."** Snape held out a short arm to stop Lily from walking into traffic. They waited and crossed the street together holding hands. They chatted as they walked through a farmer's field and into a large expanse of grass which led to a willow tree and a small lake.

**"I worry about that too...but we'll make sure to write ****_every_**** week. It's going to be so wonderful Sev!"**

* * *

Lily was practically skipping and Severus let go of her hand looking embarrassed. He had never so much as had a friend before, never mind a nickname and it was all a little much to process. **"For ****_you_****. I'm ****_not_**** going remember."**

**"I'll kidnap you if I have to. I'll climb up to your window like a spider, reach through the glass and grab you and we'll fly to Hogwarts like Wendy and Peter did to Neverland."** Lily was such an effervescent giggling ball of joy that Severus never wanted to be parted from her. The fight with his father seemed years away from the dappled light below their willow tree.

**"But without the fairy dust,"** he muttered glumly.

**"Oh be excited with me!"** Lily hung off his arm pouting dramatically as they sat down together. **"Whenever anything bad happens I just try to picture it-Hogwarts. A great white castle surrounded by clouds floating on a lake full of mermaids-" **She spoke with her hands and animated expressions and Severus could almost envision Hogwarts across the lake.

**"I don't think there are mermaids-merpeople-"**

**"Merpeople? What are those?"** she asked with the enthusiastic curiosity of a child.

**"European. Mermaids only live in tropical climates and Hogwarts is up north. It's cold up there. Look at this book."** Lily snatched the book playfully out of his hands and stroked her hands over the title and golden castle embossed on the cover. **"Mum gave it to me but she had this really old copy in the cellar when I was younger. I read it back to front a million times before Dad burnt it."**

**"Hogwarts: A History,"** Lily read aloud tracing her fingers down the leather spine. **"It's so perfect...and soon it'll be ours. Let's read it!"** Severus shuffled closer to her taking hold of one side of the book.

**"Chapter one."**

* * *

Lily had wiped the doubt clear from Severus's mind. He was _going_ to Hogwarts. He waded through the monotony of lessons with his mother and neglect from his father with the calm of a Buddhist monk. Lily's parents would have no idea how to get to the King's Cross Platform hidden between nine and ten which the Hogwarts Express left from. Severus's mother would have to show them. She knew magic and Severus had faith that she would find a way to keep father out of the picture in order to get him to school. He walked Lily home from school most days and he listened to her talk about her day and was blunt about his own. He had lent Lily his copy of 'Hogwarts: A History' as well as 'A History of Magic' and was happy to hear that her parents seemed to be coming around. His own mother had met them for tea and explained that Hogwarts wasn't a scam and that their daughter was very special. Lily had fed and watered the owl which had remained above her bedroom window and watched in awe as it had left with her parent's pen written, postage stamped reply. They were so very protective of her but Severus's mother had insisted that Severus would take care of her at school and he would. Nothing would take his best friend from him.

* * *

They had spent several more evenings reading about Hogwarts together under the willow tree and in Lily's back garden. Weekends were no exception. By July Lily was getting in to daily trouble for daydreaming and her schoolwork was suffering. Her parents were beginning to disapprove of her friendship with Severus but he had helped her study for her big tests and she had passed them with flying colours. With the summer approaching and only two months between the pair and Hogwarts, they had read every book Severus could find on the subject once or twice and were bursting with excitement. Lily was lying on her front on the grass below the willow tree with her head stuck in a book. **"Oh the Sorting Hat sounds like a brain test! What if I fail? What if this whole thing was a postal error? What if it finds out that I'm not really a witch after all-just ordinary Lily Evans, year six, class B?"** she groaned closing the book and staring at it. She rolled off Severus's jacket, wrapped it around her shoulders and leaned across to restart the record in her portable player. The evening had turned chilly and dark fast but Severus's father was home from work and Lily's sister was intolerably nosy; prone to following them everywhere and listening at keyholes.

**"Don't worry. You're not ordinary,"** Snape replied with a reassuring smile from his spot at the lake's edge. The bruise on his face had all but disappeared. **"And now your parents know it.**"

**"I think they've always known ****_that_**** Severus. Petunia wants to come too. She isn't very happy,"** Lily explained with a fed up sigh.

**"I'm not surprised. The more I think about it the more it makes sense that muggles refuse to believe we exist,"** Severus pondered aloud, plucking blades of frosty grass from the ground. **"Imagine ****_knowing_**** that all around you there were people with power you could only dream of- people so much better-"**

**"Different? Not better,"** Lily offered, shaking her head. **"There are bad wizards just the same as there are bad…muggles."**

* * *

**"Which house do you think you'll be in?" **Severus quickly changed the subject because he didn't want to poke holes in his utopia.

**"I don't know,"** she said, twisting to look at him, **"I don't feel like ****_any_**** of them. I'm not brave or helpful or clever or cunning. I'm useless."** She covered her face with her arms. **"Oh, they won't even let me in!"** Severus came away from the water to pull his jacket sleeves away from her face.

**"Maybe you'll get your _own_ house by the lake and you can go down into your cellar and see the merpeople swimming?"** Lily brightened and wiped her eyes in the soft orange glow of the sun setting in the distance.

**"I hope so...What house was your mum in?"** she asked, flipping open the book again to stare at the four house crests; brave Gryffindor in red and gold, cunning Slytherin in green and silver, loyal Hufflepuff in yellow and black and clever Ravenclaw in blue and bronze.

**"Slytherin...and I'm more like her than anyone else in my family."**

**"Well that's the house for you,"** Lily sighed, patting his hand, **"Do visit me in my lake house for redhead losers."** Severus chuckled and sat down next to her on the soft ground.

**"I like your hair,"** he told her and she wrinkled her nose and pulled it all in front of her face.

**"I'll shave it off! You can have it as a wig."** Severus pushed his own hair behind his ears and held hers to his face as though it was his own.

**"It wouldn't suit me."** Severus had never been so vocal and vivacious in his life but he trusted Lily never to tease him. **"Not my colour at all. Washes out my complexion!"** he said in a high girly voice as Lily pulled away from him giggling.

**"You could do with some sun, you vampire!" **Snape kneeled beside her on the grass, looking self-conscious.

**"Don't joke," **Severus retorted,** "I'd ****_love_**** to meet one. Wouldn't you?"** Lily bounced excitedly.

**"Yes and become his immortal queen!"**

**"You like daylight too much,"** Severus laughed, **"No one would be able to see those pretty eyes in the dark." **Lily blushed, coyly blinking said emerald green eyes at him

**"Shut up,"** Lily nudged him playfully and he shifted awkwardly.**"Come to the beach with me tomorrow?"**

* * *

Severus stood up, stuffing his hands into his pockets. **"I can't. I ****_really_**** can't,"** he replied as Lily shot up pouting, **"I have housework-"**

**"You ****_always_**** have housework. Your dad works you like a slave!"** she said grabbing his hand. **"Come on, please!"** Severus considered her plea with pursed lips but shook his head.

**"I can't Lily-"**

**"I'll cut you a deal."** The way Lily didn't talk like an eleven year old was utterly endearing and one of the many things she and Severus had in common. **"If you come to the beach I will help you do housework. The two of us will finish in half the time. Yes?"** Lily was smiling, raising and lowering her eyebrows and tickling Severus. **"Yes?"** It was both cute and comical but Severus had only been to the beach a handful of times and he had been too young to really remember. **"Yes?"**

**"Okay. Okay!"** He jumped away from her laughing. "**But you ****_have_**** to leave before my dad gets home. He'll be furious if he finds out I left the house ****_all_**** day."**

**"I promise,"** Lily said, standing rigid and saluting him. **"Can we read some more?"** She picked up the book and held it to her chest. Severus reached in to her pocket to read the time on her father's old pocket watch.

**"It's too late. Come on."** He picked up her book bag and record player. **"Let me walk you home. Take the book and read some more tonight."** He slipped the book into her bag and helped her put on her coat. **"You can tell me about it at the beach."**

_**A/N: **Writing these chapters is a great source of nostalgia because I basically spent all of my childhood running up and down backstreets pretending to be a ninja, filming parody movies with my friends or running through farmer's fields and falling in streams. I like to imagine that the Marauder's childhoods were just as innocent before the war. Also Peter Pan is life and little Snily makes me heart soar. _

_What do you think of them?_


	5. March 10th 1971

**MARCH 10****TH**** 1971**

There were many mouths to feed on the Lupin farm but only one of them was a child. Remus Lupin was only ten years old but he began his day by feeding ten chickens and one rooster, six pigs, two horses and his cat Merridew. He cleaned paddocks and coops, hauled water, gathered eggs, tended the garden and looked after the house, brushing floors, dusting surfaces and washing dishes. He knew how to bake bread and make bows and arrows out of tree branches and horse hairs. Whilst there was always work to be done on the farm, in his free time Remus enjoyed watching cartoons on tv, horseback riding and fishing in the creek at the bottom of the field. He was a professional loner. His father worked hard because it was just the two of them but for once he had taken the day off and Remus couldn't have been happier. He often used a little magic to assist in his chores but his father was a fully grown wizard and they got chores done much quicker together. His father had promised a day of fun because it was his eleventh birthday.

* * *

Once he'd completed his outside chores, Remus locked up and took his old bike from the outhouse. He rode through the field up to the main road and down it, against traffic, the several miles to the nearest village where he left his bike outside of the post office. Collecting the post had always been Remus's favourite chore because it allowed him to see how other people lived. On the way there he had passed the playground, the local school, the library, the church, the pub, the newsagents, the village hall and the police station. He liked the village hall best because there was always something going on. Some nights when his father was working late, Remus would ride in to town and watch from the window as people learned to ballroom dance. The music would stay with him for days and he'd find himself humming as he scattered chicken feed and dancing around the horses in the paddocks. **"Remus! Lots of post for you today! What's the occasion?"** The village post man was a young man with green eyes named Alastor. When Remus was younger whenever his father had taken him in to the village, Alastor had let Remus sit in the basket on his bike and help him deliver people's letters.

* * *

Alastor smirked and held out a small cake with a lit candle. Remus took the cake and blew out the candle and Alastor ruffled his hair and slipped a stack of envelopes across the sorting desk. Remus lived alone with his father but they had a large extended family and though Remus rarely saw them, they wrote and sent gifts often as a reminder that he was not forgotten. **"Doing anything special?"** Alastor asked as Remus ate the cake smiling gratefully.

**"I hope so," **he replied. **"Dad's taken the day off work."** Remus's father worked long hours, often in tough terrain, sleeping under the stars and tracking dangerous animals across the countryside. He was a hunter for Ministry of Magic and well respected in the wizarding world.

**"Does work ever stop on a farm?"** In the muggle world however, his father was just a hardworking, mysterious farmer who didn't come in to the village very often. He was admired by many of the local women but had reasons for keeping to himself. He was simply too devoted to his son to allow anyone else to come between them. **"Think John will let you go to the school now you're all grown up?"** Alastor took every opportunity to try and convince Remus's father to allow him to attend the local school but he was too protective of his son to allow it. The farm was guarded with every form of magical safeguard possible as well as several barbwire fences and a soundproofed bunker. His heavily guarded farm and tough, brooding demeanour had caused most people to think that Remus's father was some kind of war veteran.

**"I like being taught at home,"** Remus lied. He never stopped on his way past the schoolyard because he couldn't bear to see the other children he could never be like. **"I've got to go. Thanks for the cake."**

* * *

Remus had barely stepped out of the post office before he was back in again. The policeman's dog had jumped up at him barking and now he couldn't catch his breath. Despite caring for animals on the farm, for as long as Remus could remember he had been terrified of dogs. His mother had died when he was very young and whenever Remus tried to remember how, he was smothered by violent flashbacks of stringy saliva dripping from snarling teeth. None of which made sense because his father had explained that his mother had died in the house fire which had led them to move out to the farm. The same house fire had scarred Remus's face and ruined his health. Once a month ever since he had become so sick that his father had to take a week off to care for him. It wasn't something Remus liked to think about but it was the reason he couldn't go to school or have friends: he was contagious.

* * *

Alastor lifted him to his feet and dusted him off. **"Alright, lad? Let's see those elbows."** He pulled at Remus's bloody shirt sleeves, rolling them up before he could stop him and both he and the policeman stared at his arms. Every child got scrapes and scratched ad bruised kneecaps but almost every inch of Remus's body was covered in crisscrossing scars. Before Alastor could voice his concerns, Remus grabbed his letters, jumped on his bike and pedalled away as fast as he could. He had never known what to say others about his scars because he didn't like to lie but at the same time he knew that no matter what he said the moment people saw the marks on his body and his shameful expression, they instantly thought badly of his father. They just couldn't know that his father was the only reason he was still alive; that he had vowed to protect Remus and that the safety precautions guarding the farm weren't to keep them out but to keep Remus in. There was a reason the Lupin's farm was so isolated; that Remus didn't attend school, hadn't seen a real doctor in years and he dreamt about the bunker door scraping to a close. There were photographs of times when Remus had had a mother and been a normal child but he didn't like to look at them. He would never see himself or the night sky in the same way again and he didn't want to get any older because he had no future. He would never leave the family farm; never have a family of his own or even friends or a job. There was simply no place in the world for somebody like him.

* * *

He was crying on the front porch when a large barn owl dropped a letter in to his lap. He expected it to be a short note from his father saying that he was too busy to come home but it wasn't. The envelope was too thick and the handwriting didn't slant the right way. The envelope was marked with the Hogwarts wax seal and his full name:

_Mr. R. Lupin_

_Attic Bedroom_

_Lupin Farm_

_Surrey_

He knew that every wizarding child in the country was sent a letter on their eleventh birthday but he hadn't been expecting one. He would have liked nothing more than to walk the hallways of the infamous castle where his parent's had met and fallen in love but his father had made it clear early on that it was in everyone's best interests for Remus to remain on the farm. Clearly those at Hogwarts were unaware of his problems and saw only a wizard that they had invited to their school. In another world they wanted him but it was not this one. He could not live in that castle over the lake, attending classes and learning magic. Someone like him could not live in close quarters with three other boys his age because they would be curious; curious about his scars and his monthly sickness. Remus could not live from lie to lie. Hogwarts could be a daydream but nothing more; for him it would never be a reality.

* * *

**"Why are you crying?"** His father was standing over him, the wind from wherever he had just been still ruffling his curly dirty blonde hair. He took the letter and Remus threw his arms around his father's waist. **"I'm sorry son…"** he sighed with a tone of deepest regret that Remus was far too accustomed to hearing. **"We've talked about this. I want you to go but it's not...your destiny. You were meant for something else."** His voice was Remus's favourite thing about his father. It was soft and soothing, deep and placid, tuneful on account of his Irish origins and mismatched with his grubby exterior but it didn't make the things he said true. He ran a hand through Remus's hair, crouched down to his level and kissed his forehead. **"But we will get you these supplies and I'll take less hours at work. I'll teach you myself. There'll be some favouritism but there'll be less homework-"**

**"****_Then what_****?"** Remus snapped, throwing the house keys and his stack of birthday cards to the ground. **"Am I going to be stuck here forever?"** His father picked up the letters and keys and straightened up, looking out at the emptiness which surrounded them. **"You're not always going to be around. What if something happened to you?"** As a result of the dangers associated with his father's job, insurance pay outs were huge and the possibility of fatal injury even bigger. The longest Remus's father had been hospitalized was four days and ever since he had stocked the pantry as though for the apocalypse and Remus couldn't bear to go in there because he became suffocated by the thought that one day he might need those supplies.

* * *

**"Son, ****_nothing_**** is going to happen-"**His father had only been hospitalized for four days because he had discharged himself and returned to the farm still bandaged and bleeding to be with Remus. Sometimes he would return home from a job with a sadness he could not shake. His bravado was all an act and as much as Remus knew how necessary it was, he wished he'd just drop it.

**"You don't have a plan, do you?"** Remus accused, staring inquiringly up at his father as he avoided his gaze. **"You haven't got a clue! You hate this farm and you hate me and so do I!" **Remus charged away around the house and his father stood clutching the keys so hard it hurt.

**"Remus!"** Remus locked himself in the attic and stayed there all afternoon. His father went about the chores without him but seemingly didn't spend any of that time formulating a reassuring speech because when he knocked on his door all he said was: **"Remus, don't ignore me…It's your birthday. I've got cake-"**

**"I've already had some,"** Remus grumbled in reply, **"Go away!" **He spent the rest of the night cuddled up with his cat, flicking through 'Hogwarts: A History', thinking about his mother and inevitably those snarling teeth until he had cried himself to sleep.

* * *

Next morning a man was standing on their front step that Remus had only ever seen in books. He was taller than his father but willowy, not as burly, with a polite voice like a dove and a long grey beard. He was wearing extravagant robes of the type not often seen in these parts and even so, painfully out of place on a farm. **"Good day Mr Lupin! Please excuse my intrusion. The shortness of your letter has not left my mind and as fate should have it this morning offered a brief opening in my schedule-"**

**"I'm flattered Professor Dumbledore but if you've come with hopes to change my mind you'll be leaving sorely mistaken,"** his father cut across the esteemed Hogwarts Headmaster and exited the house with a hay bale over his shoulder. Remus lost sight of them as they moved away around the house still arguing. Remus scrambled out of bed, almost tripping over his cat Merridew and got dressed as neatly as he could manage. He brushed his hair and ran downstairs in to the kitchen. He put on the kettle and set out three cups and saucers for tea, as well as a selection of scones and biscuits, a pot of honey and a bowl of sugar cubes. He was on his knees scrubbing his father's muddy boot prints from the floor when he stepped back in through the back door. **"That is my final wor-"**He trailed more dirt across the floor and dropped an empty bucket of chicken feed, spilling half across the floor. **"I'd like you to leave now."**

* * *

Albus Dumbledore looked down his long thin nose, over his half-moon glasses at Remus and he got the unsettling impression that this stranger already knew him inside out. He padded nervously at his dusty trousers and reached for the brush to clear up the chicken feed. Dumbledore snapped his fingers and the scattered grains returned to the bucket. **"I would very much like to hear what your son would like…over some tea."** Dumbledore lowered himself in to a chair and Remus leaned across to pour him a cup of tea. His father stood firm, arms crossed and hard faced. Dumbledore reached a thin hand across the table and Remus shook it. **"Allow me to introduce myself-"**

**"I know who you are sir,"** Remus mumbled, flushing when he realised he had interrupted such a great wizard. **"I've seen your picture in 'Hogwarts: A History'."** Dumbledore smiled and dipped a biscuit in to his tea.

**"Photographs try hard to show the true nature of man and only offer us a glimpse; saying so little of anything more than superficial external appearances and not enough of what actually matter-"**

**"I won't listen to you, brainwash the boy,"** his father barked, cutting him off for the second time in so many seconds.

**"Dad, please!"** Remus begged, slamming a hand down on the table. Dumbledore stared at the rippled in his tea rather than the warring father and son. **"I won't hold you back forever."**

* * *

His father's face softened, the crease between his brows vanishing. His blue eyes became glossy and he looked away riffling through a drawer only to pull out cigarettes. He only smoked on those days when sadness tugged at the creases around his eyes. He fumbled with his lighter and Dumbledore pointed at the cigarette which began to burn. His father took a long drag in the silence and then sighed in a shroud of smoke like he hoped in the time it took to smoke a cigarette his problems would be solved. **"Dear boy, you are a burden to no one. Your father, though his intentions were good, has done everything in his power to protect you but ultimately exiled you from a world that is changing. You shall fall through the cracks left by revolution if you do not rejoin the world."** Dumbledore spoke calmly and sincerely with his hands in his lap and his gaze concentrated upon Remus who was staring at his father with a huge, hopeful eyes. He finished his cigarette and stubbed the butt out in his empty teacup.

**"Your speeches never fail to impress Dumbledore,"** he drawled and Dumbledore bowed his head and drank more tea, **"But he's still not going. You must think of the other children-"**

**"That I have,"** he replied when he had put down his tea, **"You would be denying them the company of a smart boy and wonderful friend-"**Remus's father lunged across the table to grab Remus by the arm and shoved his sleeve up to his elbow. The whole table shifted as Remus's father dragged him across it, spilling tea in to Dumbledore's lap. He pushed his scarred flesh under Dumbledore's nose as he got to his feet, wiping down his robes.

**"Look at this,"** he commanded; holding Remus still with a bruising grip which made Dumbledore almost look uncomfortable, **"He is a danger to himself and others!"**

**"Release the boy, John,"** Dumbledore insisted and Remus's feet hit the floor as his father let go of his arm and crossed his arms again.

* * *

**"I understand your concern and naturally, necessary precautions would be-"**

**"And will his professors give him special treatment when he's bedridden for days and can't do homework?" **his father interjected, **"Pray, tell me, what lies will you spout when they ask you why?"**

**"His professors need know nothing and no specialist treatment shall be given,"** Dumbledore answered calmly glancing at Remus as he pulled his sleeve down over his bruised wrist. **"The matron has sworn to patient confidentiality and-"**

**"And where do you plan to keep him? Locked up with the other animals?"** his father mused, laughing mirthlessly. Remus hated it when adults spoke about him as though he wasn't even in the room with them.

**"No, I do not, Mr Lupin,"** Dumbledore responded looking offended, **"As I have mentioned the necessary precautions would be taken in order to handle the situation delicately and with sensi-"**

**"'****_The situation'_****?"** he growled, low and incredulous, **"I'm sure the Board of Governors might have some opposition to-"**

**"The Board of Governors encourage Remus's right to education, like ****_any other_**** child-"**His father had been silently boiling like a kettle ever since Dumbledore had stepped foot on their property and this seemed to be the final straw as his brow furrowed and his hands curled in to his fists.

**"Remus is a werewolf!"** Dumbledore bowed his head but when he looked up again at Remus it was no differently than he had before. There was no pity or repulsion, only the same blinking tenderness. His father pushed the table up to the far wall, spilling more tea and startling Remus, to reveal the trap door to the bunker below the house, which he tore open. Remus shuddered at the scraping sound and his eyes filled with tears. **"Once a month his small body transforms in to a ravenous wolf bent on bloodshed which craves human flesh and you want to put that inside a school with innocent children?"** Dumbledore did not break his gaze and his father pointed down in to the darkness of the empty bunke**r. "Do you know how much it hurts to have to leave him in there knowing that he's going to hurt himself in ways that I can't heal? The first time I locked him in he was still afraid of the dark."**

* * *

His father's voice broke and Dumbledore crossed the room to place a gentle hand on his shoulder. **"Your best intentions are still misplaced. I must ask that you leave my house."** His father shrugged off Dumbledore's hand, got to his feet and opened the back door. Dumbledore stood firm.

**"John, my only wish is to educate your son-"**Remus knew just how stubborn his father could be but he was rooting for Dumbledore.

**"For what?"** he asked at a loss. **"Who will hire him?"**

**"The world outside if changing-"**

**"The world outside would have me call my boy a monster!"** he hissed at Dumbledore who watched Remus staring at the bunker door as though he disapproved of his hearing such conversation. **"I know because I hunt and kill his kind. I know how it is done and I trust a man of your calibre does too-"**

**"John, the boy-"**

**"They would have me murder him but he is my child and I refused to lose him!"** he yelled, red-faced and breathless. **"Your school would surround him with people who would tell him he's a monster. I won't have him believeing that..."**Not even Remus's closest relatives were aware of the true nature of his sickness. He had not been to a family gathering in some time and wondered whether they too thought badly of and even feared his father and that was the reason they wrote and sent gifts so often.

* * *

**"Monsters, killers, madmen-whatever you wish to call them, are made, not born,"** Dumbledore explained bluntly. Remus's father listened running a hand over the stubble on his chin and cheeks. **"Often they are kept in isolation, raised by a bitter parent in a broken home, unable to form relationships, barred from experiencing the joys of true love or friendship and driven mad with longing."** Remus looked awkwardly at his feet as his cat Merridew snaked her way between his legs. **"You alone hold the power to condemn your son to become what others expect he already is. Allow him the chance to prove them wrong, to challenge receptions, to change the world."** His father snorted and rudely, pointed out of the back door. **"I beg of you John, to consider what Elizabeth would have wanted."** His father clenched his jaw and the colour drained from his face. He never spoke of Remus's mother and there were no photos of her on display in the house but Remus knew that he kept one in the locket around his neck which he never removed, not even to wash. **"Your son deserves more and he will not find those things cooped and fed on a farm. He was not bred for-"**

**"You give me your word that no harm or prejudice will come to him?"** Remus's father asked, wiping his eyes, **"That if there is the smallest chance of danger to others, he shall return to me unscathed and you'll admit your failings and never again intervene in our lives?"** His father could be intimidating but Dumbledore was unmoved.

**"You have my word, John."**

_**A/N: **My Remus Lupin feelings can only be contested by my John Lupin feelings. Imagining him as played my Michael Fassbender hasn't really helped my heartbreak. __I'm hoping that he doesn't come across as too cruel...__Did you like him? _


	6. July 24th 1971

**JULY 24****TH**** 1971**

Peter Pettigrew was used to sharing his things. Since birth he had been one half of a whole and in his opinion, the lesser half. His identical twin brother, Paul was well-liked, got better grades and was captain of the school football team. He did his utmost to include his shy twin but Peter simply wasn't interested in sports. Nor was he interested in books. He had only ever read 'The Hungry Caterpillar' and wanted to be him instantly only to eat until he threw up and make a prat out of himself in front of the entire school. Ultimately, Peter's thing was comic books. He had bought one or more every week for half of his life and his collection now filled six deep boxes. They were the only thing he refused to share with his brother. They constantly argued because Paul would put Peter's comics back in the wrong place or with folded corners and creased covers. For all of his flaws, at least Peter had respect for the property of others. **"I hate you!"** were the last words Peter had spat at Paul after he had given one of his limited edition comics to his girlfriend. That same evening, Paul had died in a car crash. Their father blamed their mother because he had always told her that cars were dangerous. Their mother blamed their father because he should have been there to save him and Peter blamed himself because he was the lone survivor of the accident.

* * *

It had been six months and the day Peter had been dreading had finally arrived; their-his birthday. His mother had stopped crying herself to sleep and Peter was terrified that the day would set her back. **"Darling!"** She had brought him birthday pancakes in bed but stopped dead in the doorway staring at the side of his bedroom that had once belonged to somebody else.

**"Mum?"** Peter stammered. He knew how hard it was for her to look at him but he never knew what to say when her eyes filled with tears. She sat down on the bed and wiped them away. She leaned over to give Peter a kiss but couldn't tear her eyes from the spot where Paul's wardrobe used to be.

**"Happy birthday, Peter. I love you," **she whispered, holding his face in her hands and kissing him again. Peter gripped the edges of the tray and tried to look anywhere but in her eyes. She stood in the doorway, smoking a cigarette he wasn't to tell his father about, and watched him eat. Peter did so quickly, knowing that it wasn't just him his mother was watching and it broke his heart.

* * *

**"You can open your presents after lunch."** Peter didn't really care about presents. He just wanted the day to be over so that he could get back to the monotony of summer. **"Your father will be back by then. You can open your cards."** She pulled a stack of colourful envelopes out of the front pocket of her apron and placed them at the end of the bed, disappearing out of the door with his empty plates. Peter got dressed before even looking at the cards, wondering whether they would contain double the birthday money. They did and more, but probably out of pity rather than convenience. He also received a surprise extra in the form of a wax sealed thick letter. The handwriting was too posh to be anybody Peter could think of but his name was there in green ink:

_Mr P Pettigrew,_

_Back Bedroom,_

_Creighton Cottage,_

_Kirkfaldy_

_Scotland_

Peter stared at the letter 'P' and started crying because the thought struck him that the letter was probably for Paul. He stopped himself before he could really start because he had to be strong for his mother. He was eleven now. He couldn't cry like a baby anymore. He pocketed the tea stained envelope and wiped his face. He went with his mother first to the florist and then to the cemetery, which took double the time because she drove everywhere half as fast. Peter still flinched at every blaring horn and screeching tire.

* * *

Other friends and relatives had already laid flowers at Paul's grave. Their uncle Philo was laying down a bouquet when they arrived. **"I was just visiting Cece."** His wife Cecilia was buried in the same cemetery. She was the one who had been driving the car that night six months ago and she'd left behind a husband and a young daughter. Peter would have traded places with her in an instant.

"**Thank you for leaving flowers for Paul," **Peter's mother sighed as Philo wrapped his arms around her. He stared at Peter the same way everybody else in the family now did. His daughter Althea, who was still too young to really know where they were, hugged Peter shouting 'Happy Birthday' in his ear. He shushed her because it didn't seem right to be happy in a cemetery. He hadn't even been happy when he'd overheard the doctor's telling him that it was a miracle he was alive. Standing there staring at his brother's name he didn't feel happy or like much of a miracle either.

* * *

Peter's father was a journalist for a national newspaper. The last six months he'd worked so much overtime that they now had more money than they really knew what to do with and had only taken two days off; one for Paul's funeral and the other for his sister-in-law, Cecilia's. He had a strong work ethic but that didn't mean that he didn't love his family. He had cried himself to sleep some nights too but he had to be the only person who didn't look at Peter like he was Paul. Growing up he had always encouraged them to be their own people and now that Paul was gone, he had been the one to move all of his things down in to the basement. He helped Peter redecorate the room and even though no change of wallpaper could take his memories of Paul from that room Peter was too overjoyed to be spending time with his father to say anything. Of course some days his father still accidentally said **"Good morning boys"** and couldn't look away from the fourth chair at the dining table but his wife was still too nervous to work and Parker Pettigrew was holding everything together for his only son.

* * *

He came home just past noon, after taking a half day off at work and was laden with wrapped boxes with ribbons and bows. None of that looked as heavy as the smile on his face. Peter was grateful but he just couldn't stand all of the effort his parent's had gone to. In the past, parties had been small get-togethers mostly populated by Paul's friends in which their parents left them to it and brought food to the foot of the tree house in the back garden. Now everyone in the house pretended that the tree house didn't exist and the kitchen blinds were almost always drawn so that nobody had to look at it. **"Happy birthday son!" **Once he'd put the gifts down on the dining table he hugged Peter long and hard, kissing his forehead. **"I love you,"** he said but Peter knew that what he meant was: I never want to have to watch you die.

**"I love you too, dad,"** Peter murmured softly as his father's hand left his shoulder. He spoke briefly about his day but seemed to want Peter to open his presents. There were more gifts than years previous and Peter wanted to be happy about it but the only thing he wanted wasn't something he could have.

* * *

Peter opened present after present with a strained, grateful smile; comic books and figurines, a new book bag for secondary school in the fall, a record player, a new bike and his own television.

**"Oh this one is from me. It's for your room," **his mother explained excitedly as he reached for a large square gift. It was a painting of Spiderman (his favourite superhero) for his bedroom and Peter started crying. His mother was an artist by trade but she hadn't painted a thing for six months. Peter had never been any good at painting whilst Paul had excelled and he knew that his mother associated her studio with him now and couldn't fathom how she had sat down there long enough to paint something for him. The fact that she had sat down before a blank canvas and focused her scattered mind to create something so personal for him meant more than he could say.

* * *

Peter pushed out his chair and left through the back door. Confronted by the tree house, he ran to the base of the tree and climbed straight up, unable to ignore it anymore. His father had built it the summer Peter was seven and he had had some great times in it playing cowboys and Indians, card and board games, listening to records, painting and reading comics. He remembered every password they had ever made up for the place, all the fights they'd had and the times Paul had slept in there because he was too mad to share a room with Peter. **"Pete!"** His father was standing in the garden by the old swing set, staring at the two empty seats. Peter shuffled down the rope before he could burst in to tears. The yellow envelope fell from his back pocket and his father leaned down to pick it up. **"You haven't opened ****_this_****?" **he asked, sitting down on one of the swings as Peter took the other. He smiled fondly at the wax seal; a large 'H' surrounded by a badger, lion, raven and a snake.

**"I thought it might not be for me,"** Peter fretted and his father shook his head and tore it open.

**"It ****_is_**** for you, son. Hogwarts know you better than you know yourself."**

* * *

Peter had heard about Hogwarts but over the years he had lost any hope of going there. It was a school for people like his father; witches and wizards. Not everyone was gifted with the same abilities and Parker had resigned himself to the fact that his sons were simply more like their mother in that respect. He wasn't the slightest bit disappointed because they were healthy and happy and the best thing about his life. He went to work for a newspaper about the world they could never belong to and it was like a mini-holiday. Neither world was more real than the other. He only used magic when he had to around his wife and his sons because he never wanted them to feel as though he was any better than them. As far as he knew neither of his sons had shown any trace of magical ability in their lifetime and yet Peter had been invited to the school where he had been taught to use his powers. **"I've been given a place at Hogwarts?"** Peter reached for the letter, reading it incredulously, looking for any mention of his first name. When he didn't find it, he handed it back to his father, kicking at the bare patch below the swing. **"It can't be for ****_me_****. I'm not like you. I can't do magic. I'm ordinary-"**His father grabbed his hand, a real smile stretching across his face.

**"This letter is the reason you survived that accident...You're not a ****_miracle_**** Peter, you're a wizard."**

_**A/N:** I really don't feel like Marauder fics which cut Peter out or delegate him the role of stupid, wannabe are a true representation of who they were so I've tried to give Peter just as much attention as the others. It's hard because I don't want to excuse his actions but not to justify them would be foolish. Peter made some bad decisions but he wasn't evil. I always thought that there had to be a reason for the things that he did...Anyways I'm rambling to justify being nice to a hated character. _

_Tell me what you think about Peter?_


	7. Worse Places

**1971**

For James Potter, growing up bedtime stories had always been about a magical castle. It sat before an expansive Black Lake, with a monster and mysterious aquatic creatures simpering within its depths. It was guarded by suits of armour, which ghosts slept in. The great hall, where people ate meals and mingled, sat beneath a ceiling enchanted to look like the night sky. Books floated back to their shelves in a cavernous library. Beautiful grounds spread out for miles around, including a Forbidden Forest filled with dark creatures which made noises in the night. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was the very place James's parents had met and fallen in love. To him it was every inch as perfect as they were. He immersed himself in books about the place and listened intently to cousins and family friends home on holidays telling stories. There was a box inside his head overflowing with facts about the castle's four founders, their respective houses, the castle's history, its professors, Headmasters and prolific graduates.

* * *

When James's eleventh birthday finally arrived, it was better than Christmas and Easter put together. Despite nightmares about being a squib and teasing from his cousin Kalevela, he had received his Hogwarts letter. It had invited him to be sorted and listed books to be bought. He had plunged through the stone wall hiding platform nine-and-three-quarters from muggle view and stood staring at the Hogwarts Express, billowing smoke and packed with students. He had shared a compartment with the same family friends whose stories he had memorized. He had watched them putting on their Gryffindor red or Ravenclaw blue ties and wondered just which he would get. He had stood in the Great Hall under that enchanted starry sky and flock of floating candles and watched the Sorting Hat sing. It sorted its way alphabetically through his fellow students and seemed to take forever to get to 'P'. When placed upon his head it had declared him a courageous and loyal Gryffindor to the very core. He had sat down to wild applause and a dozen handshakes and hugs, before gorging himself on the best feast of his life. He had retired to the very same Common Room his father had spoken of so often, with its roaring fire, plush chairs and rich tapestries and finally fallen, exhausted and in high spirits, into his double bed with maroon drapes. Yet somehow James could not feel truly at home. Sirius Black made him feel uneasy.

* * *

The name Black had been tossed about at James's dinner table before and it had always come with negative associations. James's father insisted that they were some of the worst people he had ever encountered, which coming from the Ministry of Magic's Auror General (head of wizard law enforcement and dark wizard capture) made it quite a heavy accolade. He often went on to describe their family tree as 'riddled with worms of misdemeanour and extremism and rotten with inbreeding.' James wasn't exactly sure what that meant but he knew that a high percentage of the offenders his father arrested came from Slytherin house. The Black family were self professed Slytherin pure bloods which could only mean one thing: they produced bad stock. James's mother was a healer with a good heart. She gave everyone a second chance regardless of appearances, history or character. Much to James's father's disgust, people were always taking advantage of, her cheating her compassion and breaking her heart but she didn't relent. She advised her only son to make friends with everybody who was willing, no matter their house or their family. All his life she had been telling him never to judge a book by its cover and apparently she had been right.

* * *

James had stood there anxiously tapping his foot as the Sorting Hat had been burning through students, only for it to take what seemed like an age, when dropped upon Sirius Black's head. Eventually it had opened its mouth, his Slytherins cousins had stood up and it had announced the unthinkable: **"GRYFFINDOR!"** The verdict was not met with applause of any kind but a moment of stunned silence. Head of Gryffindor, Professor Minerva McGonagall had swept the hat from Sirius's head with an astonished smirk but he hadn't moved. He had sat there staring as his Slytherin cousins had sank back down into their seats, outraged and bewildered. The Gryffindors, though usually welcoming to new members, simply weren't expecting one of them to be a Black. James felt a sudden surge of pity and admiration for this stranger whose apple had managed to fall so far from the tree and burst into applause.

**"WAY TO GO BLACK!"** Everyone turned to stare at the cause of the clamour and then began a slow applause. James winked across at Sirius. He smiled half gratefully but didn't speak a word throughout the rest of the sorting. Despite James's best intentions, no friendship had evolved, as though Sirius was certain the boy had been mocking him. His father had written to Dumbledore intent on challenging the Sorting Hat's verdic,t but it had once belonged to Godric Gryffindor himself, and knew a kindred spirit better than anybody. Sirius's fate was sealed and nobody knew how it had happened despite the gossip which erupted whenever he was present. This gossip was the only thing to bridge the rift between the houses, which had existed for decades. By the look of the disgruntled Slytherins who took it upon themselves to torment Sirius, it was not going to die down for a few decades more.

* * *

James had done his best to follow his mother's advice. He had befriended Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws alike and his two fellow Gryffindors were becoming firm friends. He had met Remus Lupin on the train, helping him heave his heavy case up off of the platform. He was a book worm and the weight of his case was the biggest clue. He was also the only son of the Ministry of Magic's Magical Creatures Hunter, John Lupin and owner to some of the coolest scars James had ever seen. The other, Peter Pettigrew was a dim witted but ultimately sweet kid who had introduced James to the joy of comic books. James's lack of brothers and stern father had produced a competitive streak within him. Throughout the first few weeks of school, he had scouted out the members of his year but found no true companions among them. His father's best friend from Hogwarts was in almost all of James's bedtime stories. He had been murdered by Deatheaters a few years ago. His funeral was the only time that James had ever seen his father cry. Aside from the magic, the mysteries and the danger, a friendship as true as theirs was what James really wanted out of Hogwarts but try as he might he had not managed to have any lengthy conversations with Sirius Black.

* * *

Most people already knew James by name and were eager to get to know him, even grateful when he chose to get to know them. Sirius Black had never so much as looked in his direction and James would have been lying if he'd said he wasn't slightly insulted. He had spent more time than he would like to admit watching his fellow Gryffindor from afar. In classes he always knew the answer when asked but never willingly raised his hand. Sirius did his best to avoid drawing attention to himself and was better at finding hiding places than James gave him credit for. He had spied Sirius studying outside on the grounds, sitting at the back of an aisle in the library and even hidden behind a greenhouse out on the grounds. On evenings after classes, his face was never lit by the warm glow of the Gryffindor Common Room fire. In the mornings it seemed as though he got up and ready hours in advance simply to avoid having to speak to anyone. Despite having shared a dormitory for almost a month James, Remus and Peter had rarely ever seen Sirius Black and it was starting to grate on James. His mother's words kept replaying in his head and he felt worse every time he saw the back of the boy's head.

* * *

Before third period Charms, a hulking Slytherin sixth year felt the need to take Sirius's books and throw him against a wall. **"A little forward,"** Sirius mumbled sarcastically under his breath, "**Ask me on a date first..."** The line of waiting first year students grimaced but none made to move. James had seen similar things happen to Sirius before but he was not about to step out of line for someone who had no interest in being his friend. Remus had that look he sometimes got whenever anybody spoke about injured animals. The moment the door to class swung open James took his arm and pulled him along into the room.

**"It wouldn't kill you to be a little bit more sympathetic,"** Remus chided as they sat down, swinging his arm out of James's grip. James said nothing and waited for Sirius to come slouching through the door. When he finally did, he had points deducted from Gryffindor for being late. Some of the girls groaned in disapproval and Sirius hid behind his hair for the rest of the class. James quietly took notes down from the blackboard and helped correct Peter's spelling. However, Remus continued on with his 'Save Sirius' campaign in Transfiguration. **"He looks lonely."** If James ever lost Remus he knew that the library was the only place worth looking. He was always ushered out at closing time like a homeless man from a shopping centre. For a boy so reliant upon firm facts, he seemed to be ignoring them when it came to the outsider among their ranks. James took his parents for their word and he didn't see how, with a family so corrupt, Sirius could have done the same and turned out the polar opposite. It didn't make any sense and nobody liked what they couldn't understand. James was trying to concentrate on turning his match into a needle and Remus's constant badgering wasn't helping. He had set fire to five so far. **"Look, if he wanted friends he might do a better job of hanging around before breakfast or lunch or after class or _ever_."** James's father had always told him that the best friends were made by accident and that it was only when you went looking for them that you made enemies for yourself.

**"He ****_did_**** have friends but they've clearly disowned him for simply being placed in ****_our_**** house. I doubt he's that trusting at the moment..."**

* * *

James set fire to his sixth match stick. He pushed out his chair and moved to an empty seat at the next desk. He stared as the redheaded, green eyed Gryffindor girl beside him effortlessly transfigured her match stick into a needle. Needless to say, she didn't have an annoying bookworm endlessly on her case.

**"Well done Lily."** Lily turned and smiled at him. Of the three Gryffindor girls in first year she was the brightest, and in James's opinion, the prettiest. James relished every opportunity to speak to her but she made him a little nervous. His mother had taken him to a Seer when he was seven and she had told him quite vehemently that he would marry a girl with red hair and emerald eyes and that their love would burn like a flash fire. James turned his back to Remus and got down to concentrating, intent on getting that needle for himself. **"Remus is right of course. I really don't see why you don't like him." **James's match stick went flying across the room into the back of Sirius's head. James smiled apologetically and the bell for their next class rang.

**"I never said that..." **James groaned as he packed away his books.** "It's just weird isn't it?" **James explained walking with Remus and Peter to lunch in the Great Hall. **"How could he be told he's one thing his entire life and then turn around and be the opposite?"**

**"There aren't just good and bad people though," **Peter said simply. James watched Lily walking ahead with her Slytherin friend, doubting the truth in that statement. Remus nodded in agreement and James rolled his eyes, thinking of his father's sometimes roaring temper.

**"That's true. You're always saying how unlike your cousin Kalevela you are-"**Remus tried to add but James cut him off with a shake of his head.

**"That'll be those ****_giant_**** balls I have, that you're so clearly lacking."** Peter started sniggering. Lily turned around looked slightly disgusted and carried on into the hall to sit down. James pointed at Sirius's retreating back as he made his way out of the main doors**. "Look, if you love him so much, you go and talk to him."**

* * *

Remus may have been knowledgeable about many things but social interaction just wasn't one of them. Over the next few days, James took much amusement in his many attempts to speak to Sirius. However, Friday night marked his last chance for awhile, as Sirius left for home. He did not return until Sunday afternoon but the last book Remus had borrowed from the library went back on Sirius's hideaway aisle. He was desperately scrawling Transfiguration homework which was due the next day. At first Remus did not see the tears on his face and assumed he was laughing. He kept twisting his face up as though in pain but seemed determined to carry on writing. Not wanting to intrude, Remus replaced the book and made to leave the aisle. Then he tried to imagine what he would want if he was crying. **"Excuse me...but are you alright?"** When Sirius said nothing in reply, Remus became worried that he had spoken too quietly, as he often did, and repeated himself. **"Are you alright?"** Sirius merely nodded, wiping his face with his other hand. **"Are you sure because-"**

**"Just go."** Remus had not heard Sirius talk much and he sounded much younger than he looked. **"I shouldn't be spreading my evil around alright. You don't need to be talking to me..."**

**"What?" **Sirius knocked over his inkwell in his hurry to gather up his things. Remus cleared the mess away with a quick spell. **"I don't know much about you Sirius but you're certainly not evil."**

**"You're right about one thing: you don't know me."** Sirius continued to stuff things into his bag ready to make a quick getaway, but his right hand was heavily bruised and he kept dropping things. **"Remus please, I can do that myself. Just stop-"**

**"You know my name?"** Remus asked astounded, from his position at his feet, gathering up fallen parchment.

**"We share a dormitory."** Remus rolled up the parchment and tucked it inside of Sirius's bag. He looked thoroughly uncomfortable with the close proximity and stepped backwards into the bookcase.

**"Why have you never spoken to me before?"** His discomfort became guilt. He hid behind his hair and edged away down the aisle.

**"I...I don't belong there."** Sirius's voice became quieter with every word. Remus let him pass, watching him retreat.

**"The Sorting Hat's never wrong, you know."** Sirius stopped and turned around. **"It put you in Gryffindor for all of the right reasons. You belong here as much as the rest of us."** Sirius strode up to Remus, looking exasperated. **"There's nothing wrong with you-"**

**"You don't know anything!" **Sirius slammed his bruised hand into the bookcase and tears welled in his eyes. He dropped to the floor holding his hand to his chest. Remus was shaken by his angry tone, ready to walk away and tell James that he had been right. The tears in his eyes, and the way he wiped them away like they didn't deserve to be there made him stay. **"Why do you even want to be my friend?"**

**"Sleeping beside a stranger is starting to get a little bit like a blind date,"** Remus quoted James and Sirius smiled. Remus took a small pot of bruise healing paste from his bag and handed it to him. Sirius stared at it perplexed. **"I'm clumsy."**

**"Me too..."**

* * *

The next morning James woke to the small of bacon. The floor of their dormitory had been laid out with breakfast, and Remus and Peter were sitting down piling it onto plates. **"To whom do I owe my undying love?"** Sirius came out of the bathroom smiling sheepishly.

**"I'm kind of in cahoots with the house elves...and I always liked breakfast in bed,"** he admitted. James jumped out of bed and crossed the room to extend a hand towards Sirius. He shook it tentatively. **"You're not going to kiss me are you? Remus mentioned something about blind dates."**

**"Not unless you want me too...but would it be too bold to say that I'm in love with you?" **James asked.

**"That depends. Are you always this informal?"** Sirius replied without missing a beat.

**"Only with lovers,"** Remus added smirking, and the four of them sat down to breakfast. James and Peter both noticed Sirius's hand as he reached for the toast.

**"Please tell me you're not as clumsy as Remus. I can't keep an eye out for both of you. How would I look at girls?"**

**"I...My father wasn't exactly pleased with my sorting,"** Sirius explained truthfully and Remus realised that he had been lied to in the library.

**"There are worse places you could go," **James said and they all stared at him clueless, **"Like Hufflepuff"** before breaking into laughter.


	8. Best Before

_**A/N: **Okay this isn't a disclaimer but I've been worrying lately that perhaps people who have read a lot of terribly characterized fics may be put off by the fact that James is a 'player', but I wrote this facet of him with no intention of catering to a cliche. I have given James much thought and love him just as much, if not more than some of the other Marauders *coughPetercough* and think that throughout this fic his personal preference for casual relationships shall be fully justified. Jily shall truly have it's day and it shall be glorious. If you are willing to stick through James's idiocy the same way the Marauders did, then you shall be rewarded by some hopefully beautiful character growth. I've always felt as though Severus and James had much in common, and that one of those things was their capacity for change._

**1975**

Four years later, such simple foundations had flowered into the defining relationship of each boy's lives. They had poked fun at one another; offered help during exam stresses and romantic rejections; gotten into trouble exploring the castle; shared beds and summers. They had kept in touch; recovered from a revelation that should have destroyed them (that harmless bookworm Remus was not accident prone but actually a werewolf); made maps and mistakes; argued, fought and made peace; performed extraordinary magic; celebrated victories and consoled tragedies. They were the Marauders (a name suggested by their headmaster Albus Dumbledore, at the first of many pub quizzes in the Three Broomsticks), forever young and strong in their unity but lately there had been more arguments than secret handshakes.

* * *

Their fourth year was coming to a close and the stress of expected exam results was getting the best of everyone. Sirius and James seemed to get into an argument at every opportunity; if Sirius used James's shampoo for example (he insisted that his hair had special needs but really he had natural curls and all of his expensive products contained straightening solutions). **"You can't tell someone you love them if you don't-"**Sirius enthused heatedly.

** "Physically, yes, you can,"** James cut him off, as they crossed the courtyard on their way back from quidditch practice. **"It's called ****_lying_****. People do it every day to get what they want."** James had spent the first half of practice arrogantly retelling the tale of his most recent conquest. He had been dating Astrid Beaton for little over a month and she had already told him that she loved him. Every girl who came in to contact with James did so, well in the knowledge of his 'player' persona and with the intention of being the one to change it. When Astrid had asked James if he loved her, he had lied for the sake of balance, making the beautiful Ravenclaw out to be a naive, girlish laughing stock.

**"Dishonest people with no sense of moral decency,"** Sirius countered bluntly. Sirius had been the only team member not laughing.

**"Go getters with no sense of being a bit-"**Out of the corner of his eyes he saw James smirk suggestively at a third year girl he had no business with.

**"You make me think that Hogwarts sorts too soon-"**Sirius replied dryly, removing a leaf from his hair.

**"You take that back!"** James snapped, grabbing him roughly by the arm. **"You date a different girl for every day of the week, you ****_filthy_**** hypocrite."**

**"I never tell any of them that I love them,"** Sirius said, pulling away with a haughty expression.

**"I just don't have the same bone structure and perfect hair going for me. You have it easy-"**

**"Brew polyjuice? That's not my problem."** Sirius waved at Lily where she was standing talking with her slytherin friend, Severus Snape. He continued with his voice lowered. **"I'm just saying that if you toss the phrase around complacently now, then what will it mean when it matters? Lily will have every right to laugh in your face."** James stopped dead, mouth open and hands balled into fists. Sirius had hit the nail on the head of his best friend's greatest fear. For four years he had hankered after their redheaded housemate, making a fool out himself and trying every play in the book. The rejection didn't matter to him because he was in it for the chase. She was the only girl who had ever turned him down, making her the only girl that mattered. **"James!"** Lily came towards them and James stormed off unable to be in her presence after what Sirius had said.

**"It's usually me doing that. I guess now I know how it feels," **she joked. **"What's rattled his cage?"**

**"A filthy dog."**

* * *

Sirius could not spend long with Lily as he was rushing to prepare for a date. He stayed as long as possible out of sheer politeness and then ran back to his dormitory to shower and change out of his quidditch robes. Somehow he still managed to look immaculate with half an hour to spare. He may have caught the eye of several younger girls in the Gryffindor Common Room but James purposefully blanked him. Peter was engaged in a sloppy looking make-out session with his new girlfriend, Olivia and as much as Sirius wanted to be proud of his late blooming friend, he was mostly revolted. He went to the library in search of the last of their quartet. The Marauders had spent most of the last few weeks practically living out of the library but now it was empty. Exams were over and Sirius was glad to see the back of the place but the silence was clearly the main attraction for Remus. He was sitting alone in a comfortable armchair in the group study area. **"What's this?"** he asked the room at large. **"The Sirius Black!"** he remarked, a smirk hidden behind his book. **"A rare creature indeed to glimpse in this part of the castle!"** Sirius mocked laughter as he sauntered over and sat down beside him with his feet up on the low reading table.

**"Just checking you're still alive Moony,"** he quipped dryly in response.

**"You're a little overdressed for reading so I'll assume this is a social visit."** Remus did not look away from his book.

**"Just in case you ****_were_**** dead, I dressed for the occasion,"** Sirius said pulling his thin black tie straight. He looked like a Beatle and that was probably his intention.

**"You'd never put in that much effort unless a girl was involved,"** Remus replied. Not that Sirius _had_ put in any effort whatsoever. No matter how terribly he ate or what time he went to bed, Sirius rolled out of bed every morning devoid of spots or dark circles and with hair that fell perfectly in to place without a brush in sight. It was sickening.

**"You know me too well,"** Sirius said, looking around apprehensively before pulling out a cigarette and silver lighter. Remus took both from him with a scathing sigh as the librarian appeared.

**"Smoking in the library, Mr Lupin? I expect better from you!"** Remus threw the seized items back at their laughing owner and returned to his book.

**"Which girl has earned the privilege of your company tonight?"** Sirius leaned back in his chair, pocketing his lighter. He left the cigarette hanging from his mouth.

** "The very beautiful Millie,"** Sirius explained with a suggestive eyebrow raised, unbelievably smug.

**"Kloves or Lark? Or is this a slave name you've given to one of the more submissive girls?"**

* * *

Remus had made his feelings toward Sirius and James's double-dating lifestyle clear a number of times. Neither paid him any attention. Remus was not in the library because he liked being alone but rather because he could not stand to watch them cavorting about the Common Room like kings with a right to every female at court. He was also post transformation and secretly irritated by the fact that his friends had been too wrapped up in their relationships to visit him in the hospital. With no intention of disrespect to his friend Peter, Remus could not believe that he had gotten a girlfriend first. Remus did not consider himself or Peter as good looking or oozing with confidence as Sirius and James but Peter had to be more lacking in obvious qualities girl's found attractive. He put his shoes on the wrong feet at least once a week. **"Kloves,"** Sirius stated, ignoring Remus's sass. **"Lark and I have reached a parting of the ways."**

**"How ****_tragic_****! Amicable I hope."** Amelia Lark had been on Sirius's list for some time. Yet she had remained unattainable due to a long running relationship with Hufflepuff Quidditch Captain Edwin Morriss. Sirius and James had never cared for the crossing of such social lines or for the Hufflepuff captain. They often found themselves in fights with affronted boyfriends but Morriss had lost out to Sirius's bad boy charms when Amelia had run off with him after the last match.

**"Still in love with Morriss...who is more of a moron than he looks if he takes her back. Once a cheater, always a cheater-"**

**"Takes one to know one, I imagine-"**

**"I have never cheated!"** Sirius sat forwards, dropping his shiny booted feet to the floor.

**"Tell that to Lily-"**Sirius had dated their fellow Gryffindor a long enough time ago for it to be ancient history but had ultimately broken her heart by kissing her best friend.

**"That was different."** Sirius crossed his arms, sitting up straighter in his chair. **"She's James's crush-"**

**"You cannot own people."** James was needlessly suspicious of any male who sat too close to his precious 'crush' and unrelentingly cruel to her best friend and Slytherin, Severus Snape.

**"No. I know. The girls I date know exactly what they're getting with me; fun and no commitments," **Sirius must have told so many girls this like a mantra for the heartbreak condemned. **"It's simple and it pisses my father off."**

**"Does it? I doubt he'd notice if you brought Hagrid home."**

* * *

Much of Sirius's bad boy persona had been cultivated in a direct response to his father's disapproval of his sorting. He'd started smoking by the end of first year; dated muggle-born girls almost exclusively throughout his second; streaked at a quidditch match and skinny dipped in the Black Lake in third which was also when he discovered in Divination class that 'the ancient Greeks observed that the appearance of Sirius heralded the hot and dry summer, feared that it caused plants to wilt, men to weaken, and women to become aroused' and vowed to share himself fairly amongst the women of Hogwarts; by the end of fourth he was a serial dater and had amassed a record breaking 87 detentions. He often received beatings for his misbehaviour but made a point of bleeding all over his father's heirloom rug.**"No hate on Hagrid. He's a stud! You know in his day he got all of the girls,"** Sirius jested. He was standing slipping books from the shelf and misplacing them at random. **"Not my type though. Beard would give me a rash."**

**"And your appearance is all girls care about."** None of the girls Sirius dated seemed the least bit interested in his character or anything beyond their boyfriend being the 'hottest boy' in school. Not a single one could have told you his favourite record (Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones) or his middle name (Orion after his father).

**"It wouldn't kill you to take a leaf out of my book,"** Sirius shot, allowing a book to fall to the floor and walking away down the aisle to drop another. Remus jumped up, chasing after him to replace them. "**Get yourself a date, if you can. If Peter can manage, there's still hope for you surely. Whatever happened between you and Dorcas? Lily was certain you two would hit it off."** Lily was constantly organising dates for Remus either out of friendly kindness or pity but he never spoke about them to his nosy friends. Sirius slid up close to him, the cigarette dangling from his lips again. **"Could you not ****_rise_**** to the occasion?"** he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

**"You are disgusting! It was nothing like ****_that_****."** Sirius backed away juggling a book.

**"You can tell me. It's okay. It happens to the best of us-never me- so I suppose the second best of us really. If you were an Elizabethan woman you'd be so far past your best-before your parents would be selling you to an eligible older gent."** Remus darted after him reaching hopelessly for the book.

**"Sirius! Stop...Give me the book..."** Remus chided, trying to keep his voice down. **"Sirius! Stop this-"**

**"Those bookish good looks aren't going to last forever. What happened with Dorcas? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me,"** As was often the case, Sirius badgered until Remus broke.

**"All she ever talked about was you!"**

* * *

Sirius was so stunned by his outburst that he forgot to catch the book and it hit Remus in the head. His eyes ran and Sirius pulled him into his arms mumbling apologies and kissing the raised lump. Remus drew away sorely putting the fallen book back in its place and handing Sirius his cigarette. **"Is that what you wanted to hear? Every girl in the world is in love with you!"**

**"Dorcas-_really_?"** he asked baffled and flattered. **"I'll add her to the list-"**

**"For Merlin's sake Sirius!"** Remus's condition barred him from any kind of intimacy. He could not envision a way to explain his extensive bodily scarring or monthly sickness to a girl without outright dishonesty. Watching his friends date their way through the class register, with no regard for rubbing their conquests in his face, often rubbed him the wrong way.

**"It was a joke. You'll get your turn, probably with one of our cast offs-apologies in advance old boy, just keeping them warm for you-"**

**"Have you heard yourself? You're so full of it!"** Remus snapped, resuming his chair in the group study area.

**"'It' being awesome?"** Sirius inquired innocently. He leaned over the back of Remus's armchair to press his head up to his, lightly kissing his cheek.

**"'It' being bullshit,"** Remus growled, propelling himself from his seat and circling the reading table. **"You think you're this archetypal charming 'bad-boy' cycling through dates like underwear in the hopes of irritating your father's traditional sensibilities but the truth is that he couldn't care less. You just like the attention. You go looking for love because he won't give it and then you're so scared of rejection before it can go downhill you move on to a new girl because you can't bear to sleep alone. It's pathetic!"** They were both out of breath when Remus had finished. Sirius seemed to take it in his stride. He shook out his hair, looked up at the clock and lit a cigarette with slightly shaking hands.

**"Who knew that ****once a month ****you turn into such a monstrous ****_arsehole_**** ?"** he retorted as he left the library, flipping the collar of his leather jacket. **"Lay off the psychology books. Jealousy doesn't suit you!"**

* * *

Throughout Sirius's date, his mind wandered elsewhere. He was sitting in a secluded booth in Madame Puddifoot's tea shop kissing a beautiful girl in a very short skirt. Yet he couldn't stop thinking about Remus. **"Sirius, you don't seem yourself."** Most of his dates spent so little of their time actually talking with him in full sentences that the statement caught him off guard. He was deluded into thinking of himself as anything but a glorified status symbol. His relationships were simple exchanges. Sirius kept his reputation as an 'off the rails' 'sorry excuse for a son' and the girls got chaste kisses and excitement and ultimately popularity when he left them and other girls clamoured for tales of his depraved exploits. It had become something of a chore.

**"What do you mean by that exactly?"** he asked, puffing on another cigarette, immediately reminded of how Remus had inferred girls only cared for his looks.

**"You just seem off is all-"**

**"What an astute assumption. I wonder why that could be!"** There were rules Sirius followed with all of his dates. He always asked them about themselves and never spoke about himself. He paid for everything, showed no weakness or anger and aimed to leave them with a smile. Finally, Sirius had broken character and Millie was staring at him tight lipped. **"Perhaps it's because I didn't get this bruise playing quidditch,"** Sirius pushed up his sleeves to expose a bruised forearm, **"Or because my little brother barely even speaks to me anymore. Maybe even because my friends most certainly think I'm a giant prick. Not that you have the slightest interest in any of those things or anything more than my touching you up in public!" **Millie's mouth dropped open and she flattened down her fluttering skirt.

**"Well if that's how you feel, why bother?"** she shrilled.

**"I'm not going to anymore. It's over. I'm sure I'll find a speedy replacement."** Millie slapped him and stomped off towards the castle. Sirius stamped out his cigarette and stuffed his hands into his pockets. He had no idea how he had the capacity to annoy so many people in such a short space of time but it had to be a viable talent.

* * *

Sirius strolled languidly back into the Gryffindor Common Room nearing curfew. Remus was nowhere to be seen and with any luck Peter had taken his advice on girls and danger and was out after curfew with Olivia doing something stupid. James got up at the sight of him and walked up the stairs to their dorm. Sirius shook his head with a sigh and crossed the room to the window removing his scarf. He swiped a series of dusty volumes from the wide windowsill and sat down, looking out across the sunset grounds. Lily folded herself in to the empty space opposite with a smile. **"Whatever did you say to James to get him to avoid you? Tell me your secrets,"** she begged, squeezing his hand. Sirius smiled mirthlessly and drew a sad face in the window's condensation. **"What's wrong? You smell like tea. I suppose that's where you took your date."**

**"Amelia Kloves."** Lily nodded in understanding. Sirius parted with so few of his ex-girlfriends on good-terms that Lily was his only female friend. Her insight into the inner workings of girl's minds had saved Sirius's arse in countless possibly disastrous situations.

**"She's certainly a beauty...but you seem to be back early. You usually get detention for being caught out after hours...amongst other things too lewd to mention."** Sirius smirked playfully at her. **"Unless this was one of your infamous break ups."**

**"Hit the nail on the head."**

**"How did she take it?"** Sirius pointed to his flushed cheek and Lily pressed a palm to it in sympathy.

**"Not as badly as most people have taken to me today. James won't be without company in his refusal to speak to me, as Remus also thinks I'm a prick and told me so just before my date which resulted in my inability to get him out of my head."**

**"I wouldn't expect him to approve,"** Lily reasoned softly, picking absentmindedly at her nails.

**"Because he's a nerdy, conventionally amorous, little prude?"** Sirius gibed and Lily laughed.

**"Well yes but probably..."** Lily trailed off mid-sentence, eyeing the full common room. **"Forget I said anything."** She patted his hand and slipped off the window seat looking abashed. Sirius followed, hanging from her arm and badgering her for the truth.

**"Tell me or so help me I will spill the details of your first kiss to the school going public." **Lily currently held the intimidating accolade of being the first girl to ever sample the kiss of Hogwarts playboy Sirius Black, when in reality her first kiss was with her Slytherin best friend Snape, up the astronomy tower when she was eleven.

**"You wouldn't?"** she gasped, pulling him aside into a sheltered corner. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

**"Is there anything I wouldn't do?"** It wasn't that Lily was ashamed of the circumstances of her first kiss or the other person involved, she simply couldn't bear the unrelenting teasing from James and the needless fights it would cause between him and Snape.

**"Fine..."** she lowered her voice, cupped her hands and leaned in to his ear whispering in a rush of hot air, **"You did not hear this from me but...I think that...Remus is in love with you."**

_**A/N:**__It's funny but I never realized that I had such intense feelings for Remus until I began writing about him. I hope you liked this chapter and it leaves you wanting to read more. It was hard deciding who fell in love first but it seems obvious that it would be Remus._

_What do you think?_


	9. Sabotage

Saturday morning, James tore the bed covers from Sirius's sleeping form, marking the end of his silent treatment. **"I hear another one bites the dust,"** he commented about Millie.

**"News travels fast,"** Sirius mumbled, sitting up and wiping sleep out of his eyes.

**"Peter's with Olivia ****_again_**** and Remus probably survives on library books alone so come to breakfast with me,"** James demanded, throwing his Gryffindor tie at him. Sirius had not slept easily. Lily's reveal had rocked him. A friction had been growing between him and Remus for some time but unrequited love was the last reason he would have considered. He knew that he had no hope of judging Remus's actions if he was sore with him and apologised at breakfast. He sought him out in his usual hiding place with the offer of an undercover bacon sandwich.

**"What are you hiding under there?"** Remus asked without looking up from his book.

**"Wouldn't you like to know,"** Sirius replied, winking at a group of swooning second year girls. **"It's a ****_big, fat_****...greasy apology. I couldn't be more apologetic about how well you've come to know me."**

**"I didn't mean-"**Sirius slid the plate across the table.

**"Yes you did."** Remus noted his sauce preference (brown) with an unwilling smile. **"So say you forgive me."**

**"All hot foods are forbidden!"** The librarian appeared out of nowhere at the opportune moment. **"That's your second warning, Mr Lupin!"** Remus stood holding the plate and rolling his eyes.

**"Don't worry! We're leaving!"** Sirius shouted louder than was necessary, picking up Remus's heavy bag and following him out of the library with a smile.

* * *

**"So...when exactly did you fall in love with me?"** Sirius asked only half seriously. Remus laughed and wiped his bottom lip of brown sauce, swallowing the last bite of his breakfast sandwich.

**"Probably when you dropped that book on my head,"** Remus replied, **"Knocked the sense right out of me."** Sirius chewed his bottom lip laughing. Remus deposited his empty plate at the kitchens and James appeared, draping his arms around them both.

**"Boys, the sun is shining and Peter informs me that the girls are catching rays. Are you aware of what this means? Double L!"**

**"Double L?"** Remus asked, looking sideways at Sirius.

**"Lily's legs,"** James sighed as they stepped out of the castle and onto the grounds. From the front steps they could see several separate groups of students in their usual spots; the boys were sitting in groups spotted on the grass, most of the girls were lying together by the lake, and the older Slytherin boys were sitting below a tree at the very edge. Sirius reached to hold James back but he was already striding across the grass shouting: **"That's our bloody tree!"**

* * *

By all rights, the tree belonged to everyone but it only had their initials carved in to the bark. Throughout first and second year, the patch of shade beneath the tree was taken on a first-come-first-saved basis, resulting in endless turf wars between the boys that chose to sit there. By the end of third year, professors were so sick of having to spend their breaks and lunches on constant watch that they proposed a scavenger hunt offering the tree's resting place as a prize. Hunted items included the easy; coasters from the three broomsticks, a recipe from a Hogwarts local, a copy of the Prophet's front page, the address of someone of the opposite sex, a Hogwarts toilet seat, an owl feather, a boat oar, a photo of the group dancing with a professor and the seemingly impossible; the Headmaster's hat. Dumbledore caught James trying to climb in through the window of his seventh floor office. He was so bemused by his dedication that he allowed him to borrow his hat (and helped him in through the window as his broom was losing height). Ever since, on every single lunch time, some breaks and many good weather weekends, the Marauders had sat beneath their tree or allowed a group of younger Gryffindor boys to guard it in their stead. Their young friends were now sitting by the lake looking both distressed and damp whilst Aubrey Bertram was sitting central in exactly James's spot with a satisfied smirk on his face.

* * *

Leader of the fourth year Slytherins, Bertram was, much to James's dismay, painfully good looking. He was 6'2", an inch taller than James and probably a fair few broader. He had a head of short black wavy hair, widely set green eyes and the face of an angel. He only had to pout over a question in Transfiguration and every girl within his vicinity would melt. Unfortunately for many of those girls Bertram was also a proud racist who exclusively dated purebloods. When he told Lily that he wouldn't touch her if she was the last girl on Earth, she hexed his face upside down. Their hatred of everything Bertram stood for was one of the few things Lily and James could agree on. Bertram even wore glasses despite not needing them just to infuriate James and today was one of those days. James wanted to slap them straight off of his smug face. **"Get your arse out from under our tree, Bertram!"** Every neck had craned to get a look at them. Peter had managed to disentangle himself from his girlfriend to be at Jame's side.

**"What have I done to earn such hostility, Potter?"** Bertram got to his feet and straightened up in the dappled sunlight. The tree was on a slight incline and Bertram towered over James. He took it in his stride and refused to break Bertram's gaze, their faces barely an inch apart.

**"Last year, did ****_I_**** or did ****_I _****not almost break ****_my_**** neck flying up to the seventh floor window of Albus Dumbledore's office, which ****_I_**** broke in to at risk of expulsion to steal his hat granting ****_us_**** the ownership of ****_this_**** beautiful tree?"** James was flanked by a glaring Sirius, a nodding Peter and a frowning Remus.

**"Nobody ****_saw_**** you take it. Hearsay if you ask me-"**James started forwards and Sirius grabbed him by the arm. **"You're not that good on a broom in the first place."**

* * *

Sirius released James arm and he tackled Bertram to the ground. Remus and Peter were squeezed out as a chanting crowd gathered at lightning speed. Hexes often took a backseat to physical violence the older boys got. James re-emerged grass stained and muddy and surprisingly it was Lily who offered him a hand. James stood staring at her hand in his. **"****_Mudblood_**** filth is catching. I'd wash that hand if I were you Potter."** The Slytherins sniggered and Lily glanced sideways at Snape who averted his gaze.

**"If I were you I'd kill myself and save everyone the trouble of having to share air with such a waste of space," **James spat, hatefully with his fists clenched at is sides.

**"Be that as it may at least the magic in my veins was rightfully earned. I didn't just happen upon it like some ****_penniless_**** fool doing the lottery. Good grades make you ****_nothing_**** but a nerd."** Lily stepped forward and tried to slap Betram forcefully across the face but he was much stronger than her. He grabbed her by the wrists and held her close to his chest glaring across at James, leaning in to her ear and blowing at her hair. **"You are ****_nothing_**** to me, Evans."** Lily struggled against him and he released her, grimacing and wiping his hands dramatically down the front of his robes. She fell to her knees and James jumped forwards. She rebuffed his help and pushed past both him and Snape to make her way back to the castle. James was furious and leapt forward to punch Betram. The multi-house scuffle was separated only when McGonagall appeared and the crowd disappated, including Betram who slinked back up to the castle with his crew.

* * *

**"I don't even want to sit there now. It's tainted!"** James paced by water's edge kicking at the grass. Sirius, Remus and Peter warily held back. James's rage was a thing of legend. Usually it was little things which tipped him over the edge. They generally involved people 'disrespecting' him by shouldering him in the corridors, taking advantage of his good manners, interrupting him when he was trying to speak, looking at him the wrong way and generally undermining him. In second year he had famously broken his hand punching a wall after Snape had made a joke of Lily's continual rejections. Then he had dangled Snape out of a seventh floor window until he cried and called him 'Snivellus' ever since. James got angry and then he got his revenge and he did a lot of swearing in between. That was how he worked. Sirius took the tissue Remus was pressing to his streaming nose and joined James by the water's edge.

**"So what are you thinking?"** Sirius asked once James had calmed down enough to stand still.

**"Of ripping his head off..."** James fell into a sitting position in the dirt, **"You saw the way he looked at Lily. How fucking dare he! I didn't even notice her legs!"**

**"It's simple "**Remus said quietly, **"All you have to do is strip him of all he holds dear. Just systematically ruin his face, hair and body in a way that can't be traced back to you."**

**"So we spike his shampoo, stew one of his pillows in pure bubotuber pus and give him food poisoning,"** Sirius rattled off wicked suggestions effortlessly.

**"Who can we rope in to get us access to his personal effects? Surely even the least ethical Slytherins wouldn't betray one of their own..."** James mused out loud.

**"Polyjuice?"** Remus asked.

**"Takes too long to brew. Our revenge needs to be instant like oats or coffee and equally disgusting."**

**"House elves?"** Peter recommended.

**"Whenever we try and help them they get all offended and it makes me feel uncomfortable so no,"** James replied. They had often attempted to befriend the house elves in attempts to uncover how they got in and out of their dorm rooms with laundry and rubbish unnoticed.

**"We could just use the cloak."**

**"Trusty cloak. Who's on pus duty? Petey?"**

* * *

That night Peter stole several bubotubers from greenhouse five and stashed them in the secret passageway below the one-eyed witch on the third floor. All weekend dates were put on hold but they didn't get the chance to utilise them, despite spending the majority of Sunday under James's invisibility cloak trailing Betram. They hexed his breakfast, lunch and dinner and attempted to overhear the password to the Slytherin common room to no avail. In Monday's second period double Potions however Betram did even more to cause offence. **"Sweet black eye, Black,"** Bertram whispered once the class had quieted down. Word had it that he had spent all morning throwing up and he looked significantly worse for wear. He had taken the table behind theirs to make it easier to provoke them. The bruise Sirius had gained from a roughly thrown elbow during the much gossiped about weekend scuffle by the lake had risen in a dark shade of purple. **"Where do I send my letter of thanks?"**

**"The beautiful island of I don't give a fu-"**

**"Watch," **Remus clamped a hand over Sirius's mouth as Slughorn circled dangerously close to their desk **"your mouth."** Sirius shrugged him off. Betram smirked as Slughorn took a left in to his store cupboard.

**"Cheap _whores_ are used to their mouths getting them in to trouble-"**

**"_Cheap_?"** Sirius swivelled in his seat and stood up to stare Bertram down.

**"I forget,"** Bretram rose to the challenge, standing up too and Remus and James stood firm behind Sirius. **"Your father pays out for ****_everything_****. Especially ****_silence_****."**

* * *

An awkward silence had descended on the classroom. The only noises were fires flickering and cauldrons bubbling. Sirius's hands had balled in to tight fists, his eyes were glossy and his cheeks had flushed with what could have been embarrassment or rage. Sirius often returned to school from weekends at home with new bruises he blamed on quidditch practice or clumsiness and no one said a word about them because Sirius never asked for any pity. No matter how badly they looked he refused to cover them up and no matter how badly they hurt he never ran to the matron for murtlap essence or bruise healing pastes. Remus had always suspected that he was too proud and simply wanted others to believe that he was strong. He was and now his eyes were glossy and something was growling angrily in the pit of Remus's stomach desperate to get out. Remus tried his best not to involve himself in James and Sirius's fights but Betram had stepped out of line. **"Don't talk about what you don't know Betram. Do you even remember what your father looks like?"** It was common knowledge that Betram's father had abandoned his family, though no one knew why and Betram was particularly sensitive about it, making up childishly extravagant stories about him being a secret agent for foreign ministries. Betram's eyes did not become glossy and his cheeks did not flush. Hurt flashed briefly across his face and was swiftly replaced by a smirk.

**"Nobody asked ****_you_**** Lupin. You smell like a hospital."**

* * *

Bretram swept up a goblet of Swelling Solution and splashed it forcefully in to Remus's face. His head swelled to double its size, dragging him swiftly to the floor where he smashed in to the ground so hard he was almost knocked out cold. Whilst James and Peter had jumped backwards, Sirius had tried to shield Remus and one of his hands was the size of a dustbin. He jumped across the table to beat Bertram with the engorged limb, pressing his head so close to the fire below his cauldron that it caught aflame. Slughorn stepped out of his store cupboard, mouth open in shock and applal. He quickly put out Bertram, issued Sirius and Remus with a Deflating Draught and deducted points from all three and gave Sirius detention. Remus remained faint, rambling and throwing up. **"Just a concussion,"** Slughorn explained softly, with a steady hand on his shoulder.

**"I'll take him to the infirmary**," Lily volunteered before Sirius could and guided Remus out of the room and away from the smell of burning hair. James watched her to go with a longing expression. He had done his best to find her after Bertram's harsh words at the lake but after four years she was an expert at avoiding him and had sat at the other side of class in History of Magic, staring absentmindedly out of the window. He just couldn't stand the idea that she believed that she was 'nothing' when to him she was exactly the opposite.

* * *

After a long lecture from Slughorn about the dangers of the Potions classroom, Sirius, James and Peter rushed to visit Remus in whatever was left of their lunch. Lily had left moments before they'd arrived and slipped seamlessly in to the thronging crowd surging towards the Great Hall. Remus was still throwing up and had a long straight bruise down the side of his face. He couldn't talk because the swelling in his lips and tongue still needed to go down. The stakes had been raised. Remus had always gone out of his way to avoid getting tangled up in their grudge matches. He hurt enough every full moon that the others went out of their way to protect him. He had defended Sirius because he was in love with him and no one had ever gone to such lengths for him before. His own brother listened at their father's study door but had never once stepped inside and told him that Sirius deserved to be loved. During those times it was Remus's voice in his head which carried him through. Whenever he couldn't sleep Remus would read to him and it would send him straight off. He had always said that it was because the books were boring but really it was because Remus's voice was soft and comforting like a warm bath.

* * *

Sirius realized that, ultimately Remus was the voice in his head; the one that made him a better person and took him away from harsh realities like visits home, exam stress and self doubt. That was the reason it had hurt so much to hear him calling him 'pathetic' in the library. Sirius already knew that he was. He always returned from dates feeling disconnected, cheap and used. He simply didn't feel the way he was supposed to feel and any attempts at deep conversation on the subject with James transformed in to lurid tales of his debauchery. Instead Sirius would drink too much to lift his mood and fall asleep fully clothed holding a lit cigarette, only to awake with bare feet, and no jacket, draped in the blanket from Remus's bed with his cigarette stubbed out in the ashtray and his uniform freshly ironed. Being an only child had made James somewhat inconsiderate which eliminated him as a suspect. Remus never gave Sirius sermons on self respect or told him to clean up his act. At breakfast he helped him with overdue homework and he dropped a painkiller in to his morning pumpkin juice. Blunders and blemishes and glaring family history, all taken in to account, Remus Lupin appreciated and accepted everything that Sirius was.

* * *

Sirius barely said a word the whole time the Marauders were in the hospital wing. He sat silently massaging his once swollen hand and staring at Remus's turned, shaking back. Peter was equally as mute and probably terrified of retribution from the Slytherins. Bertram had once forced him to wet himself and then thrown him in to the girl's bathroom. It had taken a long time for people to drop the nickname 'Peepee Pettigrew' from their vocabulary. Remus could not stop throwing up and was excused from their next class whilst James, Sirius and Peter had to sprint to make it on time. Divination was only saved from being James's least favourite class by Professor Binn's teaching of History of Magic. However it had been the lesser of four evils when it came to additional subject choices. It also allowed him another hour in the presence of Lily Evans. **"James, I need to talk to you!"** Regina Sanders pulled James aside as he approached Lily's desk. She was a bright blonde Hufflepuff with an effervescent personality and the kind of smile which lit up a room. Yet lately she had been much less talkative and fun to be around. James knew that it was because her mother had died at Easter but when James was not making out with Regina, he was avoiding her because he was terrified of serious conversations. He prided himself on providing others with a good time and always knowing what to say and those kinds of situations were never a good time and could not be solved by words or make-out sessions. **"I hear Astrid Beaton's in love with you. Do you love her back? Or do you love me because you can't love two people at once and I haven't seen you around."** James stared at Lily's back as Regina spoke and the chair he had intended to take beside her was filled by Mary Macdonald. **"Why don't you care? You don't care about anyone."**

* * *

That was what made Lily special. James had always cared about her, almost especially when it seemed that she didn't care about him. By some miraculous twist of fate James and Lily had kissed almost annually; in first year as the result of a dare; early in second year after Sirius had cheated on her by kissing Miriam and last year during a Halloween party unawares when James had dressed up as a mummy in head to toe bandages. Fourth year was coming to a close and time was running out. In previous years Lily had been vocally opposed to dating in school but third year had seen her go through three very public and disastrous relationships with steadfast but ultimately boring nerds. She had never been dumped and was gaining a reputation as something of a heartbreaker which was something James refused to believe.**"James! I can't-"**

**"Sanders, Potter, take a seat or get out of my class!"** Professor Latham may have devoted his life to a woolly discipline like Divination but he only ever asked once. Regina took a seat at the other side of the room and James regained his usual seat in the back row beside Sirius. James could not remember the date and concentrating on Latham's voice seemed impossible. Sirius was doing his best to pay attention and take detailed notes as Remus was in the hospital wing and he probably didn't want him to have to put in any extra work to catch up. He had taken an extra elective class and finished most days an hour later than the rest of them. Combined with the fact that his monthly transformations caused him to miss a week of classes at least, it would have been all too easy and detrimental for him to fall behind. He was also the one the Marauders relied upon to help them whenever they left work until last minute or were failing a class. Remus Lupin was the educational glue which kept them all from expulsion and failure and they'd be lost without him. James slipped Sirius a note. _'Bertram needs putting in his place. You know what to do.'_

* * *

Once classes had finished at quarter to four and they had wolfed down double servings of dinner after a missed lunch, Sirius changed out of his robes and in to plain clothes. **"You don't look very you,"** James said as Sirius left his leather jacket hanging on the back of a chair and his hair hanging loose and tucked behind an ear.

**"That's the point. I don't want him to think of me as 'Gryffindor Sirius', just Sirius, his brother,"** Sirius explained. **"Let's go before I lose my nerve."** James pulled on leather gloves, picked up the bucket containing the pus soaked, dried out pillow case and the bottle of hair loss solution they'd hastily mixed up out of harsh household cleaners and threw on his invisibility cloak.

**"Good luck boys,"** Peter had offered to check on Remus and take him some supper, which provided the perfect cover for infiltration. Sirius and James headed down to the dungeons together where they loitered until someone left the Slytherin common room. It was hidden behind a plain wall which slid aside at the password to reveal a dimly lit passageway to a glowing, green Common Room.

**"What are you two doing down here?"** the little first year asked with arms crossed.

**"Looking for a favour from a pretty girl."** She smiled and dropped her arms. The Slytherins may have put on a front that they all hated Sirius but on their own most of them couldn't resist his charms. **"Could you tell my little brother Reggie that I need to talk to him?"** She considered him for a moment and then smiled and went back in to the common room leaving the door open long enough for James to slip inside. Sirius stood alone in the cold stone passage hoping that he wouldn't be gone long.

* * *

His brother Regulus had come to Hogwarts the year after Sirius and been sorted. After Sirius's surprise, their parents and Slytherin relatives had done their utmost to drum in to Sirius's impressionable younger brother, the importance of family, loyalty and appearances. Throughout Sirius's first year the brother who had always worshipped and loved him had watched as Sirius who had always been everybody's favourite was punished and ostracized as a result of his sorting. Come September 1st 1972, it was no surprise to Sirius when his cousins breathed a sigh of relief as the Sorting Hat announced 'SLYTHERIN'. Sirius knew that his family would look out for Regulus in their own way but he also knew that Slytherin often lead good kids down bad paths and that Regulus would only get one point of view from their close minded relatives. He did his best to guide him but refused to waste the few times that they got to be alone on preaching. He had never allowed their father to hit him because he'd always wanted Regulus to be the one who would make something of himself. Now even at home other people did their best to keep them apart. At school they operated in distinctly opposing circles and rarely got a chance to speak. The letters they had exchanged during first year were now few and far between and Sirius knew that his brother was slipping through his fingers and there was nothing he could do about it.

* * *

**"You look so out of place down here."** Regulus stepped out of the wall with a smile and pulled his brother into a hug. Sirius knew that he only did so because the hallway was empty but was grateful for the embrace nonetheless. Their father had always discouraged them from any kind of closeness but a hand shake. When Sirius got to Hogwarts he found James's friendly, intimate nature refreshing and endearing and was no longer afraid to be himself. They hugged and danced and and kissed cheeks and shared beds and cramped train compartments and sang each other lullabies.

**"It's bloody freezing. I dunno how you stand it Reg,"** Sirius rubbed his arms as Regulus's warmth left him, wishing he had put on his jacket. Regulus was still thirteen and one of the youngest in his year, small for his age with shaggy hair. For all of their differences they had always been two peas in one pod and Reg was like a rained on reflection of him. His face was softer, with no harsh lines and fuller lips but the same intense gaze in a shade of brown lighter and a pointier chin without the cleft.

**"Cold blooded I guess,"** Regulus said, stuffing his hands in to his pockets. **"Did that hurt?"** He was staring intently and guiltily at Sirius's bruise. Sirius shook his head. **"Bertram can be a bit of a-"**

**"_Cunt_?" **Regulus laughed nervously. Sirius was always getting in to trouble with their father for speaking his mind and being a bad influence on Regulus. It was laughable. Slytherin house was swimming in dark magic, drugs and generally corrupt individuals. **"Though I suppose you agree with what he said about muggle borns."**

**"People have every right to their opinion Sirius,"** he said defensively and Sirius shook his head, wondering where his little brother had gone. When they were kids he spent most of his time with the family house elf learning to cook and clean. He was helpful and he didn't see any boundaries. He liked everyone and was only person who could make their grandfather laugh. **"So to what do I owe the pleasure?" **The distance between them was growing.

**"Just checking in on my little brother," **Sirius stated. **"It's not a crime to miss you Reg." **Regulus's eyes narrowed in a wince.

**"We don't exactly get to spend a lot of time together at home, do we?"** Regulus did his best but he was just a scared little boy. He stayed out of Sirius's bedroom and met up with him in their secret room for picnics and listening to records. **"I should have written to you more often-"**

**"Don't be stupid. It's not like you need my help with homework anymore. Everybody knows that you're the smart one,"** Sirius replied smiling wryly.

**"I could do with a new cassette,"** Regulus asked, **"Slytherins have no taste in music."**

* * *

**"Black!"** They both spun around to stare at Severus Snape as he advanced towards them down the passageway. He was still wearing his Slytherin uniform and carrying a small plate of cake. **"When you said you were too busy for supper I didn't realise you meant taking out the ****_rubbish_****." **He glared pointedly at Sirius, who rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

**"Nothing in this hallway could possibly be dirtier than your hair Snivellus,"** Sirius sniped. Snape passed Regulus the cake and drew his wand. Sirius stood firm and defiant as Regulus stepped between them. He had always hated any kind of conflict.

**"Come on guys."** Sirius knew that Snape's friendship was the only reason his little brother was not a part of a Slytherin gang like Bertrams. Whilst he was secretly thankful it didn't change the fact that hated Severus Snape. The wall hiding the Slytherin Common Room slid open of its own accord. Snape looked from it to Sirius suspiciously and then went inside calling Regulus to follow. He stared down at the cake smiling. **"Don't be a stranger Sirius."**

**"Not on your life, little brother. Expect my owl." **James whipped off the cloak once they were out of earshot of the dungeons.

**"Done and done. That prick will be photo ready tomorrow. Sabotage is hungry work. Let's get cake."**

* * *

Lily passed them in the entrance hall and James trailed after her abandoning cake and Sirius. He was too familiar with such occurrences to get angry and continued on up to the Gryffindor Common Room alone. **"Evans?"** Lily kept on walking increasing her pace until James had lost her. He was standing in the nearly empty courtyard and not one of the seven girls there were the one he wanted. **"Shit..."** Two pointed fingers were pressed in to his lower back.

**"Freeze sucker!"** James smirked and raised both hands. Lily led him out of the courtyard on to the grass where they were alone. **"On your knees, miscreant."** James complied and she cocked the safety on her imaginary gun. **"Any last words?" **The red hair she always wore up in class was loose and wavy and she was wearing a paisley sun dress and sandals.

**"You're a goddess." **She raised an eyebrow and shot him. James died dramatically clutching his throat and gasping for air. It was a game they had been playing since first year, though neither kept score. He laid out his jacket and she sat down on it. **"How was your day?"**

**"Uneventful,"** she sighed, watching him as he laid back and lit a cigarette. **"You shouldn't smoke-"**

**"I shouldn't do a lot of things,"** James said blowing out a smoke ring. He had picked up the habit from Sirius but didn't smoke nearly as much as he did. **"I probably shouldn't have broken in to Bertram's dorm room and spiked his shampoo with hair loss solution."**

**"You didn't?"** Lily asked, knowing that he had. Her hair was blowing in the breeze and James could smell her vanilla perfume.

**"I did...amongst other things. I guess you'll see tomorrow. Some people have to be put in their place,"** James explained propping himself up on his elbows.

**"But it doesn't always have to be you doing the placing Potter. You're not a vigilante."** James smiled and got to his feet, wiping down his jeans.

**"I'll defend your honour until my dying day."** James winked and returned to the Gryffindor Common Room leaving Lily with his jacket and hopefully thinking of him.

* * *

Sirius had returned to the Common Room but hadn't been relaxing. Listening to records to make a cassette for Regulus only made him think about what Lily had said about Remus. He got to work scouting for proof to back up her claims. Sirius quizzed every Gryffindor girl Remus had ever been on dates with in an attempt to dig up dirt to serve as substantial evidence but found nothing. Each described Remus as unapproachable and aloof. Sirius had known him long enough to know that he was truly neither of those things. Remus was engaging, friendly and kind and in Sirius's opinion any girl-any one would have been lucky to date him. It had been foolish of him to try to hide his condition from his friends but he had had every right to be wary and in Sirius's opinion Remus handled his monthly sickness with more class than most menstruating girls. Whilst he hated the idea that he was the only person who knew what an amazing person Remus actually was, that didn't mean that Sirius believed that he was the one for him or anyone else. He had vowed to dole out love but never to fall victim to it. He took pleasure in matchmaking and flirtations. He had kissed or dated most of the Gryffindor girls, a good deal of Hufflepuffs, a few intimidating in their intelligence Ravenclaws and a select few Slytherins. His longest relationship to date was three months and one of those months had been the summer holidays. It wasn't that Sirius refused to commit, rather that the longer he spent with a girl, the more painfully obvious it became that she was missing whatever it was he was searching for. He never wanted to marry. He didn't want to belong to anyone or become furniture in the life of a loved one.

* * *

At the same time Sirius's summers were painful in other ways. He rarely slept because the atmosphere at home was so dissimilar to his Gryffindor dorm room. There was only one bed in his room and no one to stop him from setting it on fire with bedtime cigarettes. It didn't smell of tea and chocolate and nobody set three alarms so that he could wake up in his own time the way bread rose in an oven. There weren't any books with secret messages hidden in them stacked beside the toilet and no one put the toothpaste on his brush for him. No one brought him earmuffs at breakfast to ease his hangover and nobody read him stories before bed or put the radio on low to help him drift off. He tried tirelessly to pinpoint the moment Remus could have come to the decision to love him. What could he ever have done to deserve it? He was a terrible person and an even worse friend. By fourth year he had become so sick of the sight of the infirmary that he had lost count of the amount of times he had skipped it with fabricated dates as an excuse to be elsewhere. The more he thought about all of the reasons he loved Remus the more guilt ridden Sirius became. That night Sirius tossed and turned in his four poster bed, suddenly and uncomfortably in love.


	10. Guard Dog

For the first time in awhile Sirius was awake for the first alarm. He saw James roll out of bed, drop and start doing push-ups. He was finished and in the shower by the second alarm but Remus was not around to make tea. Sirius got out of bed, did his sit ups and got dressed. He put on music to wake up Peter, opened the window and lit a cigarette. James re-appeared fully dressed and running hands through his hair. **"At ease lads, to the infirmary we go. Bring that camera Pete."**

**"Remus will probably need some clothes,"** Peter mumbled sleepily dragging a shirt out of his wardrobe. Sirius rolled off the window seat and crossed the room to Remus's wardrobe. He took out a fresh shirt and trousers and went in to his bedside cabinet in search of a tie and socks. He found them along with a series of empty inkwells, old quills, bruise healing pastes, bottles of murtlap essence and a carved wooden dog. Sirius had whittled it for him out of a fallen willow branch at the end of second year but he had never suspected that Remus kept it so closely. Sirius slipped it in to his pocket and following James and Peter down to the infirmary, carefully carrying Remus's clothes as not to crease them.

**"Why so glum?"** James hit Sirius on the arm with the flowers he had swiped from the Common Room. **"We're about to see something ****_beautiful_****."**

**"What?"** Peter asked as though he had forgotten squeezing the pus from six bubotuber plants and drowning a pillowcase in it.

**"Vengeance,"** James said softly as they rounded the corner in to the Hospital Wing.

* * *

Remus was sitting in his pyjamas on a bed down the aisle to their left. On the right another bed had the curtains drawn and its inhabitant was groaning. James's face broke out in to an ear to ear grin. He took the camera from Peter and rushed up to the bed, drawing back the curtain and snapping off several shots, pointing and guffawing. Aubrey Bertram was throwing up in to a bucket looking clammy and pale, with half a head of hair and face covered in tender boils.

**"Delicious face Bertie! Just like pork crackling!"** James chortled loudly. Bertram no longer looked so smug.

**"You did this Potter!"** James put the camera in his bag and held a hand to his chest.

**"****_Me_****? Painful accusations! Did you ****_see_**** me do it? Then I call hearsay,"** James spat, waving the fresh Polaroids as they developed.** "Obviously your skid-marked laundry caused the house elves some offence...You are ****_nothing_**** to me Bertram."**

**"I'm going to get you all, you piece of fu-"**Bertram lowered himself over the sloshing bucket. James grabbed the flowers from Peter as the matron Madame Dafore approached with a large jug of ice water and a glass.

**"Better out than in, Mr Bertram!"** She stopped at Remus's bed first pouring him a glass. **"Mr Lupin, you may return to class. Do leave that poor boy alone Potter!"**

**"I just wanted to bring him these flowers."**

* * *

**"Unbelievable,"** Sirius sighed as Remus took his clothes from him with a smile. Sirius drew the curtains around his bed allowing him the privacy to change and then they walked together to breakfast with James excitedly explaining to Remus exactly how they had 'royally fucked Bertram'. Sirius laughed when he was supposed to but had no additional elements to offer to James's revenge epic too distracted by the carving in his pocket and Remus's hand swinging so close to his.

**"And I did it all for ****_you_**** buddy. No one messes with my wolf cub!"**

**"Had nothing to do with Bertram disrespecting the love of your short life?"** Remus asked as they sat down at Gryffindor table. James's eyes travelled to Lily where she was sitting a few seats down between Marlene and Mary finishing a bowl of cereal. She climbed out of her seat and came down the row to hug Remus. Lily's hair was dangling in his face and James had frozen.

**"Your head looks much better this size,"** she said, kissing Remus's forehead. **"Good morning darlings. Peter."** She smiled across at him and held out a hand to Sirius. **"Sirius?"** He looked up from his uneaten breakfast and kissed her hand. She moved away down the hall as though James didn't exist. He held up a Polaroid and loudly cleared his throat. Lily came back to take the photo but James pulled it away. She leaned in over his shoulder, the ends of hair dangling dangerously close to his eggs.

**"I'll be needing my jacket back, Evans,"** James said holding the Polaroid tight as she tugged at it.

**"And your heart, slimeball?"** she remarked dryly.

**"Oh no, you can keep that."** James released the photograph and Lily examined it. The apples of her cheeks turned apricot and she smiled whilst Mary giggled over her shoulder. She took the photograph and showed it to everyone within the vicinity who all burst in to raucous laughter and applause. James winked at Lily and returned to his breakfast feeling like an accomplished vigilante.

* * *

All day gossip about Bertram's condition was rife. James was like a cat with cream and wouldn't shut up about how much he was sure Lily 'wanted' him. Work during the final week of term was basically pointless and consisted of boring recaps, easy quizzes and free time to socialize in the lead up to the end of year party. It had been aptly named by an unknown genius 'Remember When We Were Friends?' because most people had managed to fall out by the time summer broke. For once Sirius and James were still on good terms and Sirius wanted to keep it that way so he kept his irritability to himself and tried to tune James out. He couldn't concentrate on anything but the carving burning a hole in his pocket. He skipped lunch and returned to his dorm room to finish the mixtape he was putting together for Regulus.

* * *

In Care of Magical Creatures his one remaining girlfriend Adriana Sisken threw her arms around him and tried to kiss him and Sirius ultimately took his frustrations out on her. **"Don't touch me!"** He shrugged her off and walked away across the grounds.

**"We're over!"** she screamed. Sirius kept on walking. The class had been reduced to free time, quaffle throwing and sunbathing but Sirius simply wasn't in the mood for any of that. He hid behind a greenhouse and whipped out a cigarette. His hands were shaking and he cursed as he dropped the gold flip lighter with the Gryffindor crest James had given him for his 14th birthday in to the grass.

**"I haven't seen you this on edge since your brother's sorting. Is everything alright?"** Remus handed him back his lighter with a tender smile.

**"Fucking dandy!"** Sirius laughed. Remus stared at him trying to get a read on his expression. Sirius turned away taking long drags on his cigarette and staring at the lake. Remus had known Sirius long enough to know that sometimes he liked to be left alone to stew but he wasn't sure if now was one of those times. He didn't know if he just needed someone to talk to.

**"Thanks for bringing me clean clothes."** Remus broke the silence. Sirius snorted and flicked ash in to the grass.

**"Least I could do. You never let me go cold when I pass out drunk on the rug and you slip a pain killer in to my morning juice," **Sirius explained without turning around. Remus smiled, never having considered that Sirius noticed the little things he did. James and Peter never had. Sirius held the carving aloft and Remus took it from him, their hands brushing momentarily before Sirius stuffed his in his pockets. **"I found it in your cabinet. I thought you'd lost it."**

**"No...It's just that sometimes it's hard to look at. I don't like the idea that I'm just a-"**

**"It's not a wolf,"** Sirius corrected him, finally turning around to look at him. His face had returned to normal and his scars didn't stand out as much against his tanned skin. **"It's a guard dog."**

* * *

Remus rotated the carving in his hands. It was painted black with bright brown dots for eyes like someone else he knew named after a'dog star'. He also knew that dogs were a totem of blind love, loyalty, watchfulness and courage and couldn't think of an animal more representative of the chain smoker in front of him. He had tried to set Bertram alight and taken away everything he valued because he had hurt Remus. People rarely took the time to get to know him, never mind stand up for him. Usually he was written off because he was a werewolf. Others expected him to be a monster but he couldn't live up to those expectations. His heart was too big. He cared too much. He didn't know what he wanted to be when he left school but he knew that he wanted to help people. He wanted to help Sirius but he didn't know how. He didn't know how to tell him that he was in love with him and he didn't want to be. Sirius had made his type clear and Remus was not it. Yet every time he tried to move on it ended disastrously and he stumbled over his words because he wasn't suave like James or funny like Sirius. It was self sabotage because he knew that no girl could accept him the way Sirius had, so he tortured himself because he knew that he deserved the pain. He listened to his rants; he gave him advice; he read to him; he put him to bed and he was always there to help him out of trouble like the kind of dependant saps who dated James well in the knowledge of how badly he would treat them. Remus prided himself on his intellect and if Sirius had been an exam he would have failed again and again just so that he could resit.

* * *

**"Mr Black! What are you doing?"** Professor Grubblyplank limped over with her cane. Sirius performed a trick he had yet to perfect, flipping his lit cigarette in to his closed mouth and smiling serenely. Grubblyplank led them away from the greenhouses and back to the patch of grass by Hagrid's hut where outside classes often took place.

**"We were just appreciating the view Professor,"** Remus filled in quickly. **"The year will be over soon after all. It's going to be a long time until we get to see it again."** Sirius nodded in agreement, smiling at James where he was standing with Peter.

**"Not long enough,"** James groaned, leaning back against a tree and ruffling up his hair as Adriana glanced briefly in their direction.

**"Stay with the rest of the class Mr Black."** Grubblyplank shook Sirius lightly by the shoulder and he coughed as she walked away, spitting out the damp cigarette butt. James put an arm around Sirius and patted his chest.

**"You'll get it old chap,"** he said encouragingly, **"Now to the matter at hand. Adriana is a free agent now. Would you mind too greatly if I ****_hit_**** that?"** Remus shook his head and pulled a book out of his bag.

**"Knock yourself out,"** Sirius sighed watching Remus as he played absentmindedly with the dog carving.

**"Oh I'll knock something out!"**

* * *

Sirius was equally anxious throughout double herbology. His hands shook more because he was sleep deprived and starving and he accidentally smashed several plant pots. James had spent all of their last class flirting with Adriana Sisken. She had now taken Sirius's seat at his right side and was flirting intensely, all batted eyelashes and lingering caresses as James furtively glanced over her shoulder at Lily who was potting plants with Snape. **"I suppose you found Potter's deviant attack on Bertram just ****_charming_****,"** Snape said as Lily poured soil.

**"Perhaps it was a ****_little_**** callous,"** she agreed, **"but hopefully Bertram has learned not to run his mouth."** She struggled with the heavy sack and Snape took it from her placing it on the ground at their feet.

**"He had no right to say that to ****_you_****,"** Snape mumbled slowly, staring at her freckled kneecaps.

**"Why not? He says the same to everybody else like ****_me_****,"** Lily noted and Snape rose up, bowing his head.

**"But none of ****_them_**** are the very ****_best_**** thing about this school,"** Snape whispered tensely. Lily smiled and put a hand over his. She took it away when she noticed James staring across the greenhouse.

**"Severus, please come to the end of year party with me. I don't want to go with anybody else and I know Potter will ask me and If I tell him I don't have a date he'll bloody insist-"**Lily rambled nervously.

**"Of course. I will be seeing you over summer though won't I?"**

**"You'd have to move house not to."**

* * *

Peter might not have been the brightest member of their group but he noticed discrepancies and Sirius had not been his usually jubilant self for several days. When he skipped dinner as he had lunch, he took a tray up to their dorm room laid with a selection of delicious foods. He found him curled onto their window seat smoking a cigarette and listening to sad records. Peter pushed the tray in front of him and passed him the cutlery he'd stashed in his pocket. **"You ****_have_**** to eat. It's the best part of every day. Are you sick?"**

**"No...Thanks Petey."** Sirius stubbed his cigarette out in one of the many ashtrays and slowly picked at the roast chicken.

**"I know what it is. You don't have to tell me. It's obvious,"** Peter stated from his position sitting by Sirius's bed, flicking through his record collection. So few things were obvious to Peter that Sirius put down his cutlery utterly terrified that he had been caught out. **"You always get like this before summer. I know that you don't wanna go home."** Sirius let out a sigh of relief and started eating again. **"I'm sorry."**

**"Thanks. That's okay man. I'm gonna try and get a job somewhere. It'll keep me out of the house-"**

**"And out of ****_trouble_****?"** Peter asked with a hopeful smile. He was always so distressed by Sirius's father's treatment of him, probably because his own parents loved him so much. The reason why someone would want to hurt a loved one was one of the many things he couldn't understand. Sirius nodded. **"You're always welcome at my house. Mum and Dad love you."** Other people's parents always seemed to love Sirius a great deal more than his own but he supposed it was easier. He wasn't their responsibility. He wasn't their legacy. His every waking breath hadn't become a continual disappointment to them.

* * *

**"'Cold blooded Smartarse'?"** Peter was holding Regulus's finished mixtape.

**"It's for my brother. I'll send you one in summer full of the Devil's music."** Peter lived in a small village beside a devoutly catholic old woman. She also happened to be the first witness to any inkling of Peter's magical talents when he had put out the curtains she had set on fire with her deep fat fryer. Ever since she had glared at him whenever he passed and told others that he was the Devil's Child; a nickname that Peter significantly preferred to 'PeePee Pettigrew'.

**"Perfect!"** He slipped the mixtape back in to its envelope with a laugh. **"Say Sirius, why did you break up with all of your girlfriends?"**

**"Needed a break. My tongue was getting tired and that's ****_nothing _****compared to my-"**

**"Okay!"** Peter clamped his hands over his eyes as Sirius stood up.

**"You pervert! I was gonna say my ****_hands_****,"** Peter's expression remained revolted, **"From writing all those ****_love notes_****! You know how it is Petey. I assume you and Olivia are still going strong."**

**"Yeah,"** Peter responded with a fond smile, **"Thanks for setting us up."**

**"Hey! I always got your back. Now about this summer, can I have your bed? I'm a good three months older than you and I have lower back problems and would you please take this envelope up to the owlery for me?"**


	11. Only Human

The rest of the week passed in a humid summer haze of senseless quizzes, classes which had descended in to gossip sessions sound tracked with boring classical music and watched closely by their professors. Sirius tried to relax around Remus and reverted back to poking fun at Peter.** "It's a sad state of affair when the only one of us eligible gents with date is PeePee-"**James laughed and Peter shoved Sirius. James took the spacious table by the door which was usually occupied by Bertram and his gang of Slytherins. **"_Still_ in the infirmary?"**

**"What a wimp-"**

**"His face has cleared up," **Remus cut across James's teasing.** "But it turns out that he's allergic to whatever you put in his shampoo."**

**"Vengeance, that's what he's allergic too!"** James raised his hand to a lazy high fives from Sirius and Peter. **"Right dates! Evans!"** James sidled over to the table Lily was sharing with their fellow fourth year Gryffindors Mary Macdonald and Marlene Mckinnon and painfully timid Ravenclaw Dorcas Meadowes. **"Friday is your lucky day! The hottest guy in school is taking _you_ to the end of year party."** Lily barely looked up from stirring her cauldron.

**"Good! I was worried that I'd have to go with a bespectacled loser like _you_,"** she replied without missing a beat. Snape sniggered behind them and James glared at him and blew his chopped daisy roots off the desk.

**"Anyone willing to be _your_ date would have to be thick, desperate and possibly blind and none of those flobberworms look interested,"** James remarked smartly but Snape didn't take the bait. He was staring over James's shoulder at Lily who was standing behind James, arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

**"Actually a very _intelligent_, _confident_, _exquisite_ girl gifted with _perfect_ vision is going with _me_ to the end of year party-"**James slammed his fists noisily down on the table and Lily returned to her seat smiling.

**"What is happened to the world?"** James cried dramatically.

* * *

**"Mr Potter, keep it down! I don't want to round out the year with a headache,"** Professor Slughorn lifted his eye mask. **"Sit down."** Snape smirked smugly as he chopped more daisy roots.

**"Marlene-"**

**"Not in your wildest dreams Lames,"** Marlene cut him off before he could start and Lily laughed. The Mickinnon's were the Potter's closest neighbours for miles around and Marlene and James had been forced together for play-dates before either was old enough to vocalize intense refusals. Marlene was also the Gryffindor Chaser, which much to her displeasure meant she couldn't even escape James at school. She had spent more time than she'd have liked listening to James's locker room sexploits and they bickered like siblings. For this reason neither had any intention of dating the other, but James liked to make Marlene feel uncomfortable as often as possible. **"Your loss."** James sank in to the empty seat beside Lily, turning his back to her and Marlene and blowing at Dorcas's blonde hair. **"Dorcas, come to the party with me-"**Dorcas looked up from her book with a dimpled smile.

**"No!"** Lily leaned around James to forcefully tap Dorcas's open potion's textbook. **"Eyes on the assigned text Cassie! Cassie already _has_ a date."** Lily probably wasn't wrong to want to protect her friend from James's path of romantic destruction. She locked eyes with Remus and Sirius with a serious expression. Despite Remus blurting out the truth about Dorcas's affections for Sirius, he hadn't made a move on her, which was odd because Sirius seemed to like girls that worshiped him.

**"_I do?_"** Cassie asked confused. Sirius looked across at Slughorn, took out a cigarette and lit it.

**"Yes. I wanted to know if you'd go to the dance with me,"** Remus muttered to swift nods from a blushing Dorcas and a smiling Lily. Sirius stared sideways at Remus wondering simultaneously why; he was dating a girl who had admitted to having a crush on _him;_ and why he was even going to the end of year dance at all. Remus thought parties were failed beauty pageants. He didn't like dancing or dressing up and only went to school functions if James or Sirius were playing in the band which they would be that Friday.

**"Bullshit-"**

**"Potter!"** Slughorn glowered across the classroom and James sat back down beside Sirius**. "Black! Do not take advantage of my lenience. Put it out!" **Sirius allowed the cigarette to drop from his mouth in to his empty cauldron.

**"_As if_ a girl would rather go to a dance with Remus than me!"** Dorcas nodded and Remus lowered his head.

**"Don't be a dick James-"**

**"_But I'm in a band!_"**

* * *

The Marauders had bonded over many things in their four years of schooling but the biggest had to be music. Particularly the muggle rock music Peter had introduced them all too, and each boy had their own taste. James prayed at the alters of Queen and David Bowie. Peter was the world's biggest Beatle's fan girl. Whilst Sirius liked slightly older artists like Elvis Presley, The Doors, Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones, Remus preferred jazz and blues like The Sonics, Billie Holliday and Sam Cooke. They all liked The Kinks and the Monkees and had gathered a communal record collection, stolen under invisibility cloak from the record shop in Peter's hometown or bought with James's pocket money from bigger places in London. The moment Dumbledore had christened them the Marauders, James had wanted to start a band. He and Sirius took up guitar but Peter never managed to master chords and Remus didn't have the rhythm required for playing a musical instrument. They soldiered on and posted an advertisement for additional band members on every house notice board. Gryffindor bass player Humphrey Perdue and Ravenclaw drummer Noah Finch had replied and completed the band. It was aptly named 'The Players' because they were all infamous heartbreakers and quidditch players. By fourth year they had played several school functions and often entertained students in the common rooms on evenings and weekends. As much as Remus had loathed listening to Sirius and James practice the same chords repetitively for the better half of a year, and then being dragged to band practices for two more, only to be abandoned by them in favour of their young groupies, in some small way playing music had managed to bring three of the four houses together.

* * *

It was because of his band that James and Sirius didn't really have any trouble finding dates for the end of year party. By the end of Thursday's double Herbology three girls in total had asked James and he'd said yes to all of them in what could only result in tragedy. Sirius had yet to ask anyone and didn't seem to care about going to the dance. Remus didn't blame him for his hesitance but Sirius was usually the life of every party. It was famously named the 'Remember When We Were Friends?' party because it nearly always ended in a physical fight between best friends over a girl or something equally futile. Sirius's selective mutism had put an end to the many arguments he had been having with James but he still seemed out of sorts. Peter had explained to Remus about taking him dinner and his suspicions that Sirius was worried about going home for the summer. Whilst it was a valid theory it didn't explain why Sirius had split up with all of his girlfriends in the lead up to them, as he usually spent as much of the summer as he could get away with visiting them and staying with Remus, James or Peter. His desire for employment also came as news to Remus. Sirius's father was rich, and despite his faults gave his son whatever he asked for when it came to money, so the fact that Sirius wanted a job caused Remus to think that he wanted to buy something his father wouldn't approve of.

* * *

On their way in to Hogsmeade, they were finally alone, as Peter was walking with Olivia and James was arm in arm with a third year girl Remus had never seen him speak to before. Remus was only going in to Hogsmeade in hopes of getting to the bottom of Sirius's change in character. Everyone else was going to buy dress robes, gowns and accessories but Remus couldn't afford a new set. **"Sirius, why are you going in to Hogsmeade if you don't have a date?"** Remus asked curiously.

**"Going stag is difficult, I'll need something stronger than pumpkin punch to power me through it," **Sirius explained and Remus frowned disapprovingly. It was easy to see that Sirius had a very addictive personality and didn't do anything in moderation, including drinking. He'd taken up smoking in first year and now that fourth was ending he smoked a pack a day. Over the years they had all experimented with different drinks but Sirius was the only one who ever crossed the line drawn in the sand in to drunk and disorderly territory, which usually got him a detention and a severe scolding from his father.

**"That bag is for Jame's Invisibility Cloak isn't it?"** Remus stared at the rucksack hanging limply from Sirius's shoulder.

**"Probably some bottles of stolen mead too-"**

**"Oh Sirius, I can't allow you to-"**They had never been caught for stealing but that was mostly as a result of Remus being such a careful lookout.

**"Good if I'm going to steal a keg, I'll need someone to distract Gaia Cecilia so that I can roll it out of the back door unseen,"** Sirius said excitedly ignoring Remus's fervent refusals. **"Then of course I can't throw the cloak over _myself_ so that I can stash the keg in the passageway under Honeydukes."** Remus had to give it to Sirius, when it came to mischief the boy always did his homework.

* * *

James was dragged unwillingly in to Gladrags by a giggling Astrid and Peter disappeared in to Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop with Olivia. Dorcas stared down the street at them, but Remus was too distracted by thoughts of jail to even notice and she very sadly followed Lily, Marlene and Mary into the Three Broomsticks. The moment Remus had taken his eyes off of Sirius he had disappeared under the cloak and was probably creeping around the back of the establishment to pick the lock on the back door. Remus got a butterbeer and sat down with Mary, Marlene Lily and Dorcas as close to the bar as was possible. **"You always look like a deer in headlights on your own Lupin,"** Marlene commented, sipping at her ginger ale. **"Where are your dependable posse?"**

**"James is with Astrid-"**

**"Eugh,"** Mary sighed annoyed, **"I have no idea what any guy sees in her."**

**"_Two things_,"** Marlene said, glancing down and slightly pushing out her chest.

**"I don't understand what _she_ sees in Potter," **Lily remarked. Remus smirked but was only half listening feeling a little out of depth gossiping with three girls and with no idea what Sirius was up to.

**"I hear he's a really good kisser,"** Mary mused and Lily took a huge gulp of butterbeer.

**"I couldn't comment on that,"** she said and Marlene flashed a knowing smirk, **"But it doesn't change the fact he has no respect for women or himself. It's disgusting..."**

* * *

The girls carried on talking but Remus tuned out at the sound of a heavy clunk at the back of the bar. The head barmaid Gaia Cecilia was a warm, jubilant woman and the wife of the late owner of the Three Broomsticks Duke Harrington. James swore blind that he had once kissed her but she wasn't the kind of woman to do so and now that her husband was dead didn't take any trouble in her pub. She had heard the clunk too and turned away from pouring a beer to stare back in to the store room. Luckily a customer asked for mead and she walked away down the bar. **"Oh we're all out love! I'll just replace this keg and you'll be drinking in a jiffy!"** Remus watched Snape approaching with drinks. He waited for Dorcas to take a swig and then allowed a hand to wander to her knee below the table. It was cruel but Sirius was in trouble.

**"You look very beautiful today, Cassie,"** he whispered. Precious, timid Dorcas was so shocked by this announcement that she half choked on her butterbeer, spraying the floor and the back of a few bar goers. Snape tripped on the wet floor and went down with a shout, spilling the butterbeers he had been carrying. Lily jumped up to help him and Dorcas stared open mouthed, apologising profusely as Gaia rushed around the bar with wand out ready to clean up.

* * *

In all the commotion Remus slipped out of the Three Broomsticks and round to the back where he found Sirius smoking a cigarette and sitting on something invisible. **"I don't know what you did but thanks man!"** He gripped Remus's hand and unfastened his belt, slipping it out of the loops. Remus stared at him unsure of his intentions, stuffing the hand he had just held in to his pocket. **"Look sharp Lupin!"** Remus dashed to the edge of the building but no one was there. He gave him a very judgmental thumbs up. Sirius whipped James's cloak off of the hidden keg, fastened his belt around the handle and heaved it on to his back. Remus raced back over and threw the discarded cloak over the keg and then slipped the rucksack back over his shoulder so it looked like that was what he was holding. It was foolproof.

**"How exactly are you going to get in to Honeydukes cellar when the whole place is packed with students, Sirius?" **Remus was always the one to identify hitches in their schemes. Sirius stumbled and stubbed out his cigarette, sliding it behind his ear.

**"There's a flap covering steps to the cellar out the back. I'm not an idiot,"** he coughed. A hint of alcohol was already on his breath. Remus sighed, sure that nothing good could come out of this theft.

**"Give me your lighter...just in case,"** Remus requested. He didn't know what he could do with it but as they couldn't do magic outside of school it might come in handy in the event of creating a cover up. Sirius passed him the lighter laughing.

**"Dangerous! I like it!"** They walked away together down the street and Remus averted his gaze from the Shrieking Shack across the field.

* * *

In the busy street Sirius swept unnoticed down the alley. Remus carried on in to the shop in an attempt to avoid Dorcas who had just exited the Three Broomsticks with Lily, Marlene and Mary, still apologizing. He found Peter inside with Olivia. She was kissing his neck and holding a heart shaped box of chocolates. Peter managed to disentangle himself to offer Remus a second box. **"I got one free. I thought maybe you could give it to Dorcas."** Remus groaned and cradled the box to his chest, sure that he was being tested by unforeseen forces. Lily, Marlene and Mary pushed through the crowd with Dorcas.

**"Sorry about the...spitting," **Dorcas mumbled sadly. Remus smiled. Unlike James and Sirius, he still had the ability to feel guilt.

**"Forget about it. It was my all my fault,"** Remus pressed the box of chocolates in to Dorcas's hands. **"These are for you."** Dorcas smiled and as Remus moved towards the back of the shop, she burst in to excitable girly gossip with Lily, Marlene and Mary. James had clearly managed to shake himself free of Astrid and was staring rather obviously at the curvacious chest of the Hufflepuff third year he'd walked arm in arm with earlier as she reached for a jar of liquorice wands.

**"Remus!"** James threw an arm around him**. "_She's fingering wands_. I couldn't write this stuff!"** Remus rolled his eyes. **"Just admire the view with me for one second." **She came back down the ladder with a smile, triumphantly clutching the candy. **"Este Velp, this is my good friend Remus Lupin."** Este was tall and thin for her age with a pointed noses, dimples and cat like blue eyes. She had soft hands and a musical giggle. Remus could tell at first glance that she was too sweet for James's depraved intentions. Remus picked out a tub of peppermint humbugs to cover Sirius's drunken breath. Este offered to go to the counter. Remus gave her his money and she went to the to pay for the humbugs and James's candy. He leaned in close to Remus. **"I little bird told me you felt up Cassie in the pub."** Remus shook his head. **"In public? Knew that nerdy demeanour was a cover for a mind in the gutter. Where's Sirius?"**

* * *

Both owners of Honeydukes had been too rushed off their feet by student customers to make trips to the cellar and Sirius had had more than enough time to stash the keg. He was probably rolling it down the long winding passage which led back to Hogwarts, sipping on stolen mead as he walked. **"He said he'd meet us back at the castle."** James grabbed Este, found Peter and they all walked back together before Astrid could come looking for him. Professor McGonagall checked their names off the list.

**"Where's Black?"** James stared at Remus and Peter unsure of what to say.

**"Right here!"** Sirius came strolling across the courtyard looking sweaty and dirty. **"Ran all the way back. I'm going in the shower."**

**"I got you these."** Remus passed Sirius the humbugs and he popped several in to his mouth before passing McGonagall on the steps.

**"Sirius, this is Este-"**Este extended a friendly hand which Sirius ignored.

**"You're too good for him. Run!"** He grabbed Este by the shoulders and kissed her forcefully. James made to grab his arm but he sped forwards obnoxiously chewing candy.

**"He's drunk,"** Remus explained, staring after Sirius's retreating back with a frown.

**"Whatever's wrong with him better not interfere with band practice."**

* * *

James went to band practice without Sirius who turned up ten minutes late and at least three drinks less sober. Exam results were expected next morning but James was not drinking himself in to a stupor worrying about them. Remus had dragged them kicking and screaming through revision sessions and whilst Sirius had skipped a few, James had skipped more and didn't doubt his chances of passing as much as Sirius's drinking gave the impression he did. He played well regardless but his mind seemed elsewhere. When James told him about Remus and Dorcas, Sirius didn't seem as pleased for their friend as James was. **"Speaking of which, which piece are you taking tomorrow night?"** James knew that Sirius had cut loose all of his girlfriends but he usually had something on the backburner. **"Or are you going stag like me?"**

**"That's funny because I heard you were taking Astrid, sweet little Este over there and Harper Likens in the year above,"** Sirius replied, sceptically.

**"That's what I _told_ them."** James had used this technique so faultlessly in years past that 'stag' was one of his nicknames. His plan involved; expertly selecting three girls who had no connections to one another; telling each one that he liked to keep his relationships private and that he wasn't allowed to date because he didn't want to torture them with the trouble of long distance when it came to summer; only to dance, romance and make out with all of them the night of the dance; only using pet names so that he didn't confuse theirs and stumble in to trouble. Watching him operate almost made Sirius feel badly for the girl's involved but girls gossiped so openly between themselves that they had to be aware of James's intentions. Clearly they were all just too enamoured by the idea of James Potter to read between the lines.

**"You do love a cat fight,"** Sirius said rummaging through his pockets.

**"You'll have done great in the exams you know? Remus wouldn't let you fail and if any of us have failed it is Peter. I mean somehow you always pass every time. If you're sleeping with McGonagall you can tell me-"**Sirius continued searching for something.

**"Where is my lighter?"**

* * *

The atmosphere the night before exam results was always on edge. A few of the older students were trying to relieve the tension by playing card games with the younger ones. A quaffle was soaring from one side of the room to the other and James had to duck out of its path. Peter wasn't as careful. He was hit in the head enough times for it to be questionable whether it was accidental. Olivia giggled and flirtatiously told them off and they seemed to take her more seriously than they did Peter and stopped. Sick of watching James run his hands all over Harper Likens; Remus left some first years with a jigsaw by the fire, and climbed the stairs to crawl in to bed. When he opened the door to their dormitory an empty bottle of mead rolled out. Remus bent down to pick it up with a sigh already knowing what he would find. In a novel twist on the original Sirius had fallen asleep in Remus's bed instead. He dropped the empty bottle in to the bin with a clatter loud enough to wake Sirius but he didn't stir. He found more empty bottles under the bed and binned those too. He pulled off his shoes and socks and lastly the leather jacket he had worn to band practice. He slipped his childhood blanket out from under him and draped it over his sleeping form. He threw sleepy arms around Remus and mumbled in his ear in an intelligible rush of hot air. He kissed his cheek and passed out again. Remus drew the heavy drapes around the bed so that he wasn't woken by the sunrise and got ready for bed. **"Sleep well, Sirius."**

* * *

James woke up with Harper on his chest and an ominous looking envelope on his bedside cabinet. He got out of bed, drew the curtains so that Harper could sleep and looked about the room. It had to be early because the first alarm hadn't woken him and drapes were drawn around every other bed but Sirius's which was freshly made and empty. Remus came out of the bathroom carrying his envelope. James stared at the curtains around his bed wondering whether he too had a girl in there. **"Sirius passed out drunk in my bed," **he removed the toothbrush from his mouth to say.

**"How did you do?"** James asked. Remus shrugged and passed him the short roll of parchment which held his exam results. As always they were exceptional, above and beyond anything James could have achieved. His lowest passing grade was 92% for Arithmancy which was a notoriously difficult math orientated elective that few people studied up until their seventh year. James passed back Remus's results with a smile and bit the bullet. Remus went back in to the bathroom and James followed, throwing his arms around him and doing a victory dance. He had passed everything. History of Magic and Divination were barely passes but he had gotten 70% in Potions when he had been close to failing the year before and achieved his highest grade to date in Defence Against the Dark Arts. He'd have been fooling himself if he took the credit for his own success. **"It's all down to you! Remus, my beautiful saviour. I am getting you laid tonight if it kills me."**

* * *

Remus laughed as James danced at him. He hushed his exuberant singing, worried that he would wake Sirius but the first alarm beat him to it. He came to with a groan as Remus was pouring out cups of tea for James and Harper. **"At least your anxiety is over. I won't get my results until the summer," **Harper moaned. She was in the year above and had sat her OWL's a months before. She was an intelligent girl and a voracious reader. James had met her in the library and in Remus's opinion she was out of his league. He didn't know how James had managed to catch the attention of such a girl. James dropped and did his daily push ups with ten extra thrown in because Harper was watching him. Then he woke Peter with a pillow to the face and he unwillingly opened his own exam results. Peter had passed everything yet only barely in every case except for Care of Magical Creatures in which he'd earned 63%. He hugged Remus too and looked down his results with an astounded expression. Harper thanked Remus for the tea, kissed James and slinked back to her own dormitory to prepare for the day.

* * *

Sirius was used to waking up in beds that were not his. The hardback book wedged between his pillows was a dead giveaway to the identity of the bed owner. It was always a comfort to wake up inside Gryffindor tower after a night of drinking. It was less of a comfort when he couldn't remember anything about the night before. The third alarm went off and James drew back the drapes around Remus's bed. He was fully dressed and holding an envelope emblazoned with Sirius's name. **"Can't I have a cup of tea before the world crashes down around my ears?"** Peter poured him a cup and passed it on a saucer.

**"I passed everything! James too,"** Peter told him happily. **"You've probably got top marks like Remus." **Sirius did not like to make an issue of it but he was marginally cleverer than James. Still, the fact remained that he didn't feel as though he had put in his all during exam week. They all sipped quietly waiting for Sirius to finish and open his results. He did everything in his power to avoid it; changed out of last night's clothes, had a shower, packed his bag with unnecessary textbooks for a final day of classes and even brushed his hair. He struggled with his tie with shaking hands. Remus stood behind him before the mirror and knotted it for him. He snatched his envelope from James, crawled in to the window seat with his back to the room and opened up his results.

* * *

Sirius left the parchment on the window seat and dashed to the bathroom to be sick. James, Remus and Peter stared at each other and then at the parchment wondering whether Sirius would be the only one required to re-sit a subject. Sirius retched noisily in the bathroom and Peter went to tend to him. James took up his fallen results and sat down in the window seat with Remus. Both breathed a long sigh of relief. Considering that the weekend before their exams Sirius's father had violently shut his writing hand in a door, Sirius had done well. None of his grades had fallen below 65% and he had beaten Remus in Defence Against the Dark Arts by 1%. **"Is this happy sick?"** Peter shouted desperately from the bathroom between Sirius's retching.

**"Yes!"** James shouted pouring Sirius another cup of tea as he came back in to the room with Peter. He sat down on the bed wiping his mouth and slipped on his shoes. "**We've all survived to leave revision until last minute again-"**Remus had spent more time helping his friends to revise than actually revising himself and it had been the most stressful time of his life.

**"I refuse to drag you all through the OWL's,"** he bleated. James tackled him on to bed and tickled him. **"I'm only human,"** Remus giggled, pushing James off. James smiled broadly across at Sirius who drained his tea with a laugh.

**"No you're not."**


	12. Mercy Killing

The final day of term also happened to be the slowest. The atmosphere was cheerful; either because students were excited for the party, had passed their exams or were simply looking forward to going home. Peter had to be the only Marauders who felt the latter. He knew that James would be alone on his parent's expansive estate, Remus would be left at the farm and Sirius would have to swallow his resentment towards his relatives. He almost felt guilty for looking forward to seeing his parents again. Both were overjoyed to hear about Olivia and couldn't wait to meet her but Peter wasn't sure what would become of them over the summer. James and Sirius rarely kept relationships over the holidays. Peter wasn't sure whether breaking up was the gentlemanly thing to do but he wanted to be with Olivia over the summer and when the school year resumed. He wasn't exactly sure how these things worked or how Sirius and James had the energy, imagination or money to date more than one girl at once. Girlfriends were such hard work.

* * *

Despite a pain killer in his pumpkin juice and earmuffs at breakfast, Sirius had to keep being excused from class to be sick and still had an unforgiving headache by lunch. James was approached by all three of his dates who enquired in to the colour of his dress robes (black and white) in order to wear co-ordinating dresses. Olivia took the opportunity to talk Peter's ear off about shoes and Remus forced himself to make an effort with Dorcas at lunch. Sirius had left him to rush to the toilets when Remus saw Dorcas sitting alone at the end of Gryffindor table. **"Hullo,"** he said with a friendly smile which she returned, staring across at him with huge blue eyes. **"Excited about tonight?"**

**"Very much so,"** she said. **"I love to dance."** Remus swallowed a grimace and tried to change the subject.

**"You don't still like Sirius, do you?"** He lost all sense of subtlety once he was confronted with a girl. She stared down the table at Sirius as he stumbled back in to the hall and sat down with his head in Lily's lap. He pulled out a cigarette only for Lily to snatch it away again and lay padding his trouser pockets.

**"It will only make you sick again," **they heard her sigh.

**"That was a long time ago,"** Dorcas said shaking her head, **"And he's too much like Potter. Guys like that only want one thing."** Remus couldn't agree. Sirius was nothing like James because what he wanted and what he needed were polar opposites. James only needed physical intimacy from his dates. He loved himself so much that there wasn't any need for anybody else to do. Sirius told girls that he wanted the same thing and yet every single one of his husks of a relationship crashed and burned because what he really needed was companionship. **"They're not sweet like you."** Dorcas clutched Remus's hand. He didn't stop her. Even though he felt guilty, it was nice because she looked so happy about it. If that made him 'sweet', he didn't want to be. He wanted to be anywhere else. He wanted to be true to himself. He wanted to hold hands with somebody else.

* * *

Shortly before the end of lunch Remus had managed to track Sirius down to the boy's bathroom on the fourth floor. He was laying spread eagled across the tiled floor. Remus dashed towards him, his heart trapped in his throat. **"Sirius!"** Sirius snapped upright too quickly for his tender innards and threw up all over Remus's shoes. Remus had thrown up on Sirius post so many full moons that he took no offence at all. He simply, cleared the floor with a quick spell, slipped off his shoes and rinsed them in the sink before helping Sirius to his feet. He shrugged off his helping hands and clasped the edges of the nearest skin, splashing his face with cold water and raking a hand through his hair. **"What are we going to do with you?"** Remus asked fondly as he pulled on his clean shoes. Sirius's throat burned and his legs shook because he hadn't been able to stomach a morsel of breakfast.

**"Mercy killing?"** he suggested not entirely in jest. He pulled a cigarette from his top pocket, letting out a sigh when he remembered he had displaced his beloved lighter. He could have used his wand of course but something about it didn't feel the same. He missed the satisfying click of the flip-lid and watching the flame. When he opened his eyes Remus had lit his cigarette and was pressing the lighter back in to his right hand. The fact that he had given it to him in Hogsmeade had completely slipped his mind but he had drunk more than his fair share that day.

* * *

Remus watched him intensely as he smoked, as if each drag was a word well understood. He was utterly fluent when it came to Sirius and lately he felt as though he was losing his touch. **"You haven't been yourself for days,"** he began and Sirius turned away to stare out of the dusty windows, **"Why aren't you taking anyone tonight? Every girl in school would drop her date in a second to go with you-"**

**"I don't need a girl to have fun," **Sirius replied bluntly. He was slowing coming to the realisation that he needed the opposite; a very specific opposite. **"I could always test that theory of yours and ask Dorcas."** Remus smirked but seemed unaffected by his threat. He was probably regretting being manipulated in to asking her in the first place. **"Or has she recovered from her little crush?"**

**"She thinks I'm _sweet_,"** Remus explained, fidgeting awkwardly with the long fraying cuffs of his cardigan. Sirius could see the doubt burning in his eyes and turned to grab him by the arms.

**"You are! That's our strategy," **he said, blowing smoke out of his mouth sideways, **"James and I are playing the long game. You take a good apple and put it between a pair of rotten ones to make it shine." **A smile tugged at Remus's lips and Sirius patted his arm and lowered his cigarette to his side.

**"You only pretend to be rotten,"** Remus interjected softly and Sirius grimaced. He couldn't bear his transparency. All the walls he put up with his dates Remus walked through like they were made of cigarette smoke.

* * *

He fished a flask from the inside pocket of his robes and unscrewed the cap. **"Sirius…"**

**"You know what they say? The only cure for a hangover is more drink-"**

**"Are 'they' alcoholics?"** Remus asked reaching for the flask.

**"Probably but who am I to argue with the professionals?"** Sirius reasoned, swinging out of his reach and taking a swig. Witch's Water was the strongest alcohol he could find in the Three Broomsticks cellar. It made his throat burn worse than it had before but he felt cleansed. He stumbled, struggling to replace the cap. Remus swiped it and tightened it for him before pocketing it himself. Sirius simply smirked and revealed a second flask in the opposite pocket of his robes.

**"Sirius…"** Remus had always prided himself on his non-judgemental attitude but it was almost as though Sirius was crying out to be stopped. **"Come on-"** He fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around Remus's legs.

**"You're too good to me,"** he sniffled. Remus pressed a hand to Sirius's clammy forehead.

**"You're burning up,"** Remus said, wiping wet hair out of his eyes. **"You're not well. Perhaps we ought to give the party a miss-"**

**"_'We'_?" **Sirius asked, shutting his eyes and pressed his face in to his trouser leg.

**"Count up all those full moons and I definitely owe you a few nights of nursing-"**He said it with such sincerity and selflessness. Sirius could not think of a better way to spend his final night under the castle roof but he was playing in the band and could not let James down. He also could not bear to be alone with Remus. If he was trying to get over him, Sirius was going to make it easier for him.

**"Not on my watch,"** Sirius retorted, getting to his feet and checking his reflection in the mirror, **"You're going to the party with Dorcas. Don't worry about me."**

**"Someone has to,"** Remus sighed as Sirius swept up his bag and swiftly left the bathroom**. "Sirius! We have class!"**

**"I'll see you tonight!"**

* * *

The other Marauders had made a habit of skipping class but Remus was proud to say that he had not missed a single period. In Divination Dorcas took the empty seat at Remus's side as an invitation and paired up with him for a 'fun' session of tasseomancy. Whilst Remus was always comforted by a good cup of tea the thought that Sirius was elsewhere, downing something stronger had him on edge. Both Peter and James were too wrapped up in their romances to see through Sirius's behaviour to his cry for help and Remus had to get to the bottom of his misery before it ended in disaster. **"Clockwise three times Remus,"** Dorcas corrected taking his teacup. Remus stared at her fingers on his and smiled. As he reached across to take up her cup, her long hair brushed his forearms. Dorcas cast her brown eyes into his teacup with a coy smile.

**"I can see a...fan,"** Remus explained. They pulled the book towards themselves to read the meaning, 'flirtation' and smiled at one another. Dorcas leaned in closer to him and peered in to his cup.

**"Hmm I'd say...a comet,"** she deduced, wrinkling her nose uncertainly and checking the tea leaves against the image shown in the book. "**'A pivotal change in your life'... That sounds nice! We have _lovely_ cups today. It's like the tea knows that it's summer."** Her bare arm was pressed against his and the hand not on his teacup was on his knee. James winked at Remus from across the classroom and Remus coughed and drew away to look in her cup.

**"You've got a..."** He twisted it in his hands and held it below a low lamp. **"Triangle?"**

**"'You are involved in a three way relationship',"** she read aloud frowning. Remus dropped the cup on himself, smearing tea leaves on his trousers. **"You do love the library."** Dorcas giggled and disappeared under the table to retrieve her fallen cup. Remus wiped at the wet patch on his trousers with a groan, thankful that James had not noticed. He was sitting between Lily and Marlene with Lily's hand in his, tracing the lines of her palm.

**"No palmistry today Potter," **she drawled, drawing back her hand and taking James's teacup from Peter, **"Look at this! A tiny penis-whatever could that mean?"**

**"A kite!"** Dorcas remarked with a bright smile, thrusting Remus's teacup under his nose. "**'A wish granted'."** Remus sighed and sat straighter in his chair as Dorcas took his hand. **"What do you wish for?"**

**"To know the motive behind people's actions."**

* * *

In Herbology the Green Houses were abnormally clean. The first years had been put to work earlier in the day and Madame Darnell was so intent upon keeping the greenhouses spotless that she allowed their 'rowdy' class to spend her lesson as free time out by the lake. James was quick to take up his position in the shade of their beloved tree but looked lost without Sirius. Remus walked hand arm in arm by the lake with Dorcas. **"Where's Sirius?"** James asked Peter, picking absentmindedly at the grass. Peter shrugged, staring pointedly at Olivia's bare legs as she lay down across the grass in front of them. **"Look what you did Peter. Your girlfriend-getting is catching."** Olivia smiled over her shoulder at Peter and gripped his hand. **"I'm losing the bookworm too."** All eyes were cast across the grounds to where Remus and Dorcas were sitting.

**"You might have to let a single girl make an honest man out of you,"** Olivia remarked as James met eyes with Lily where she was sitting with Severus. James mocked laughter and threw shredded grass at her.

**"I could never do anything so selfish,"** James said, crawling across the grass towards her where she was making a daisy chain. He blew at her hair and laid on his back staring up at the clouds. **"That'd be like locking the golden gates."**

* * *

Remus spoke very little about himself and asked Dorcas questions, not out of strategy but politeness. By the end of double Herbology he had learned more about her than he had in their four years together at Hogwarts. She was muggle born and her parents were artists. They believed that she was their greatest work but she didn't genuinely believe that because her newborn brother was so adorable. His name was Murray and he had a shock of white blonde hair. She had had no luck with a paintbrush or pencil and was pleasantly surprised to discover that she was a witch; apparently her gift provided her parents with endless inspiration and they hoped that Murray would follow in his sister's footsteps. Dorcas was a vegetarian and wanted to be an animal healer when she left school. Her favourite colour was yellow and she preferred disco to rock music. She couldn't understand how such a sensitive boy was friends with the likes of James Potter and Sirius Black. She thought scars gave a person character. She thought that Remus was perfect and he didn't have the heart to show her the error of her ways.

* * *

Sirius had taken refuge from the claustrophobia of classes in the passage way beneath the one-eyed witch which led to Honeydukes Cellar. There he had listened to records on Remus's portable record player, finished his remaining flask, smoked several cigarettes and come close to setting himself on fire several times. It was quiet down there and it smelt of earth and honey. One particular record was still stuffed in to the very bottom of the box beneath all of the others and still wrapped in a brown paper bag. It was a soul record by Sam Cooke called 'It's All Right' and a note had been stuck to the cover which read 'Give this to Sirius on the train'. Sirius could not wait until the train. He put the record on then and there and immersed himself in it. The repetitive quality of the lyrics and plucked bass was soothing and his voice was smooth and warm like his mother's lap. The final bell snapped Sirius out of drunken nostalgia. He was and merry enough to finally be looking forward to a packed common room and the potential of the final night's events. James and Peter entered their dormitory just as Sirius was replacing Remus's record player. **"Brothers!"** Sirius drew both in to a loving but unsteady hug. Peter glance warily at James who simply smiled and picked his friend's pockets for the empty flask. **"Where's Remus?"**

**"He's in the courtyard but-"**

* * *

Sirius smiled at everyone regardless of their house colours on his way down to the courtyard. He found Remus but he was not alone. He was sitting with Dorcas in one of the archways. She was holding his hand and they were kissing. The thousand strong flock of butterflies in Sirius's stomach dropped dead all at once and he steadied himself on the nearest wall. Remus had moved on. All those who had the misfortune to find themselves infatuated with Sirius inevitably did but for once Sirius could not stomach the idea of being squeezed out. Now he was the one with a crush he would have to get over and it was an alien sensation. He was so used to getting exactly what and who he wanted by any means but those were girls. Remus was his friend and Sirius would employ no manipulations to end his relationship with Dorcas. He deserved to be happy and no one had yet found happiness with him. It was a fluke that he was even in Gryffindor house. The two of them never ought to have met. Sirius had betrayed fate. He was not meant for love. His father had made that much clear.


	13. Trapped In Amber

Severus charged across the courtyard in a rush. He had gone to Hogsmeade in order to collect a gift for Lily. Yet he had spent all of his time waiting on an employee's incompetence. He wanted to give Lily the gift before they left but was unsure when, if ever, the correct moment would present itself. **"Trying to _think_ a date for the dance in to _being_?"** Severus stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Sirius Black leaning in the doorway. They glared at one another and then each went their separate ways. Normally Severus would not have passed up the opportunity to drench the pompous outcast in ill will but there had been wretchedness in his eyes and Regulus had warned him that it could transform in to a wrath with a single word. Severus was not about to get in to a fight before the dance. Lily would never forgive him if he left her to Potter's will. Nothing would ruin their final night together at Hogwarts.

* * *

Severus carried on down to the Slytherin Common Room in the dungeons. It had been built partially beneath the Black Lake and was permanently bathed in a glowing green light. With the setting sun, the Slytherins could often hear the merpeople singing and the giant squid swimming overhead. Severus was utterly convinced that it was the constant music of those trapped creatures that pumped their house with its infamous ambition, cunning and greed. It haunted their dreams and they found their own way out of that dungeon and other dungeons of inequity and expectation. The dark green room was almost empty. Everyone was utilising time before the party to get ready in the privacy of their dorm rooms. Severus climbed the stairs to his but found none of his fourth year dorm mates there. However Regulus was lying across his bed already in his dress robes. **"You know you do have your own bed,"** Severus sighed and Regulus sat up with a smile holding out an open bottle.

**"I got you a Butterbeer,"** he said enthusiastically. Regulus's parents had made his whole life one big party which explained why he was so at home in a crowded room. Severus could not think of anything worse. He had planned on skipping it altogether before Lily had asked him to go with her. He would never pass up the opportunity to spend time with her. There was a high likelihood that Lily would want to spend her summer reconnecting with her muggle family and have little time for Severus so the gift he had gotten her was one of good will.

* * *

**"I can't believe I'm going to this party with Tallulah."** Tallulah Montgomery was a year ahead of Regulus and sought after by many of the Slytherin boys. She was exceedingly rich, popular and good looking but no boy dared to ask her on her date on account of her intimidating father, who was an influential member of the Ministry of Magic's Defence League. Regulus's father was the head of said Defence League and they had met on many occasions as a result of family related social gatherings. Severus suspected that her true target was Sirius and that Tallulah did not want to upset her father by openly interacting with him during the school year when gossip could easily reach him. He did not have the heart to mention this to Regulus though. He would figure it out on his own when his brother undoubtedly went in for the kill with no regard to his feelings. He could already imagine the outraged letter, penned with such hatred and disappointment to which he would do his best not to reply with an outright 'I told you so'.

**"Neither can I." **Severus had not voiced his suspicions that Sirius had only visited Regulus to provide cover for Potter's attack on Bertram either. Sirius could do no wrong in Regulus's eyes and whilst Severus understood their bond entirely Regulus was the only Black for him. His childish naivety was equally charming and hopeless. Severus had known the moment that he met him that he would have to protect him from damaging influence, even if that included his relatives. He would never tell him that he was that family's only hope.

* * *

Sirius had bumped into Adriana Sisken on his way back from an intense act of manual labour. He had apologised profusely for his attitude in Care of Magical Creatures, spinning a tale of extreme homesickness coupled with anxiety at the thought of being separated from her. He had a talent for concealing his intoxication when it mattered and she seemed to buy it as she had spent the last fifteen minutes ravaging Sirius in a broom cupboard on the first floor. She got up off her knees with a wayward smirk wiping her bee-stung lips on a manicured hand. Sirius slipped wordlessly out of the cupboard correcting his robes. She followed, looking concerned when she found Sirius slumped against the far wall. **"Are you alright?"** Sirius sensed he had been caught out and straightened up.

**"Oh you've always had this effect on me darling,"** he quipped, stuffing his hands firmly in to his pockets as Adriana leaned against him.

**"If you're not feeling up to it, we could always skip the party and spend a little more _quality_ time together," **she suggested.

**"I wouldn't want to steal you from your date,"** Sirius laughed in spite of himself. **"Though I hope he has a liking for the second hand-"**

**"_What_ is that supposed to mean?"** Adriana stopped dead in the hallway. Sirius sighed and held back. He had had no intention of insulting her but he was simply too drunk for his words to come out exactly as intended.

**"That he'll never make you feel how I do,"** Sirius whispered, leaning in close to her neck.

**"You're so full of it!"** Adriana spat, drawing away with her hands balled in to fists. **"You may make me feel wanted and beautiful but mostly you just make me feel used and worthless. You may _listen_ to what I have to say but you don't really _care_ about anybody but yourself. What is wrong with you?"**

* * *

Sirius flinched as if he'd been slapped, turned without a word and walked away. **"Sirius! Don't just leave me here! Give me a chance!"**

**"Give you a chance to _what_?"** Sirius turned upon her in a drunken rage, trembling and spitting, his handsome face transformed. **"To fall out of love with the idea of me when you realise that it's nothing like the real me? I don't smoke to look dangerous. I do it to calm my nerves. I don't drink because it tastes good. I drink because it helps me forget and if you knew the kind of things I needed to forget you'd realise that I'm not as strong or courageous as my house colours would have you believe but _no one_ can come to know these things, not even me!" **Sirius grabbed her by the arms and she stared at him, defiant and disgusted. **"So you keep your mouth _shut_ and you enjoy your dance with your date and use the summer to tell all of your girlfriends what a righteous arsehole I am so that come September all they can think about is how they're going to be the ones to set me straight-"**Adriana caught up with him again, grabbing him by the arm. Sirius's removed her hand from his jacket and tried to catch his breath. She was staring at him as though she could sense that all he had spat had been stirring within him for some time ready to erupt and that regardless of this, she had taken it all personally.

**"You know when you got sorted in to Gryffindor everyone was sure it had to be a mistake and it was. You're a bastard just like your cousins and your brother-"**

**"Don't you say a word against my brother!"**Sirius snapped pointing aggressively in her face.

**"I hope all of that money can buy you happiness Sirius or at least more drink,"** Adriana cried, wiping at her teary eyes, **"If you ever manage to find someone who has the stamina to put up with your manipulations and your mood swings and constantly chasing after you only to get nothing in return, you best keep them close because they're probably a saint!"**

* * *

Flushed and sickened, Sirius charged back to his dorm room in the Gryffindor Tower and slipped off his shoes and socks. James had already left to help the band set up. Peter was struggling with his tie. Sirius stopped to help, stepping over a pile of discarded clothes. Peter stared inquiringly up in to his huge pupils and gripped his elbow tenderly. **"Are you alright?"**

**"You just look _so_ handsome,"** he said hiding his own face from the mirror and patting down Peter's hair, **"Knock em dead."**

**"But Sirius-"**

**"You don't want to get on Olivia's bad side before summer. You're going to be late."** Peter lingered, wringing his hands, then stuffed them into his pockets and left. Sirius cursed as he trod on something sharp. Pressed in to the rug was the small black dog he had gifted Remus. It was lying beside his school trousers and it struck Sirius that all week Remus must have kept it close to his person like an actual guard dog. Adriana's parting words hit him full force like a train and left him just as paralyzed: he didn't have to be a stray anymore. No longer would he flit from one misplaced good intention to the other. He had a home. It could be violent. It could be dark but most days of the month it was prudent and warm. Sirius vowed to remain at the hearth of that heart for as long as it took to convince Remus of his mutual adoration because with him he felt at peace, rather than a piece of something much bigger than either of them. Remus was the calm, quiet eye of the devastating storm on its way.

* * *

Sirius stepped in to their steaming bathroom. Confronted with Remus's showering silhouette his apprehension became a mounting ache. With no thought for Remus's principles, Sirius tore back his shower curtain and into the cubicle. Remus turned in shock as if to scold his intruder and Sirius took him in his arms, almost slipping on the soapy water at their feet. Sirius indiscriminately kissed his naked, showering friend; his neck, his jaw, his cheeks and then protesting his mouth. Remus wanted answers but all Sirius had were eager kisses. His body softened but the query did not leave his eyes. When at last Sirius drew away from Remus satisfied and soaking, his lips tingling, he stepped back out of the cubicle shaking his hair. Remus merely stared at him; his eyelashes matted with water, his cheeks flushed red and his hair hanging loose, a mingled look of shock and longing on his face. His staring eyes were amber and Sirius was trapped. Then he blinked and wordlessly drew back the shower curtain again and Sirius found himself suddenly freefalling into doubt.

* * *

Severus was standing at the end of the Fat Lady's corridor where he had agreed to meet his date. He was out of place among the departing Gryffindors and did his best to keep a low profile. **"Looking for that _imaginary_ date of yours?"** Sirius Black stormed past him with clinking pockets and a laugh. Severus bit his tongue and drew his wand.

**"Unless you're going to conjure us away to Neverland, I'd put that away." ** Lily was standing in the hallway, a vision in yellow floral chiffon. It was backless with a ruffling thin elbow length cape that made her look like she'd grown right out of the ground. Severus had seen her first in a blue night gown and ribbons. Then in a checked school dress, a Gryffindor uniform, Christmas jumpers and summer shifts but he was always astounded by how easily she took his breath away. His mouth was open but none of the thoughts in his head had their way out. In a way he was glad. **"Close that mouth. We're getting a draft! One compliment, if you _must_."** Her red lips pulled in to smile as she swept loose hair over her shoulder.

**"You..."** No words seemed worthy and Severus knew that Lily wasn't the kind of girl who held attractiveness to any importance. He shook his head and offered her his arm. **"Oh, the cleverness of you."**

**"Of course I did nothing,"** Lily quoted with a smile, slipping an arm through his.

**"You did a little."**

* * *

James was used to Sirius showing up late and went about the set up without him but tonight he had pushed the limits of his patience. He showed up as the Great Hall had begun to fill and took his position at the second microphone. He looked as effortlessly well turned out as always but his eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks flushed like he had run all the way there and Sirius didn't run anywhere. Dumbledore jovially introduced each member of the band separately and then together as a collective. James messed up the chords of the introduction for their first song when Lily arrived. She was wearing a delicate lemon gown. Her hair was hanging loose over bare shoulders and she was holding hands with Severus Snape. His smug expression caused a lump to rise in James's throat and he needed a glass of punch before he could start singing. He refused point blank to play any slow songs.

* * *

Severus seemed relieved when after only one song Lily became distracted by Dorcas. She was sitting alone at the edge of the dance floor in a short dress looking utterly miserable. Lily excused herself to see to her friend and Severus wandered away to get drinks. **"Cassie! What's wrong?"** she asked, sitting down beside her and taking her hand. **"Where's Remus?"**

**"He said he was sick,"** Dorcas explained sadly, **"But I know he just didn't want to come with me. He's so sensitive. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed him-"**

**"You kissed Remus?"** Lily asked, glancing across the hall at Sirius where he was playing guitar on stage. **"What was it like?"**

**"He's so wonderful, Lily. You were right,"** Dorcas enthused, **"He's not like most men at all."**

**"No..."** Lily sighed, her eyes still on Sirius. He was swaying and she wasn't entirely convinced that it was to the music. Severus reappeared with three glasses of punch. Dorcas accepted hers utterly taken aback, as though she had never considered that Slytherins could be considerate human beings.

**"Where's your bookworm?"** Severus made attempts at conversation, perturbed by the intensity of Dorcas's gaze.

**"Sick,"** Lily interjected bluntly.

**"_Again_? There's something going on there,"** Severus observed glaring over his shoulder at James and moving to block his view of Lily.

**"Even in _our_ world not everyone is blessed with perfect health Severus,"** Lily said, lightly touching Severus's arm. He smiled and felt the outline of a gift wrapped box in his pocket. **"We get sick and we _grow old_-"**

**"So are you two dating now?"** Dorcas asked, feeling left out by their inside joke.

**"No,"** Lily laughed. She noticed Severus's smile diminishing and threw her arms around him. **"Severus is my _best_ friend. Besides dating just isn't a teenage activity. It takes a certain maturity to commit yourself to somebody else-"** Dorcas burst in to tears and Lily crouched to take her hand. **"Cassie, I'm so sorry!"** Severus took the opportunity to excuse himself and left in search of Regulus.

* * *

Peter had danced to several upbeat songs with Olivia and was exhausted. He couldn't understand what James had against slow songs. He picked up drinks and brought them to Olivia where she was sitting at one of the long tables at the edge of the hall. **"Thanks love!"** There was a commotion as the guitar cut out suddenly and Sirius fell sideways off of the elevated stage with a yell. James stopped singing to help him up. Both bowed to the crowd to applause, the song resumed and people danced again. Sirius took a break, rubbing at his elbows. James was too taken by the spotlight to notice. His dates may have been dancing with other people but none of them could tear their eyes away from centre stage. **"I hope Sirius is alright,"** Olivia exclaimed.

**"He's not usually clumsy,"** Peter pondered, **"He's been drinking a lot. I don't think that he wants to go..." **Peter trailed off remembering that he had promised never to speak of Sirius's personal life to others.

**"I don't understand people who _don't_ look forward to summer,"** Olivia sputtered, speaking with her hands, **"No classes. No homework. No early mornings. No curfew. No worries. Bliss!"**

**"Perhaps some people still have worries Olivia,"** Peter said sadly, as his eyes found Lily hugging a tear streaked Paloma. **"Why is Cassie upset?"**

**"Your _friend_ stood her up,"** Olivia explained crossing her arms, **"Said he was sick but he was fine this afternoon when she was kissing him: seems Remus is more like Sirius and less like you." **Peter's brow furrowed. Once the band's set was done he would be roping Sirius and James in to investigate this turn of events. Olivia grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the dance floor. "**How lucky I am to have picked the best Marauder." **

**"That doesn't sound right."**


	14. Shoot You Down

Severus was not alone in watching Regulus dance with Tallulah. She had the kind of beauty that only generations of good breeding could hope to produce and Regulus moved with the grace of someone who could dance his way out of trouble. The circle of envious voyeurs could have wanted to be or be with either one and nobody would have thrown judgement. The song ended and Tallulah left Regulus for the girl's bathroom with a parting kiss on the cheek. **"I don't think you'll ever have trouble getting a date again, Reg,"** Severus noted, as several pairs of female eyes followed Regulus across the wall as he came to sit down beside him.

**"You can talk. You didn't even have to ask anyone-"**Regulus looked across the hall at Lily where she was dancing a laughing Paloma in circles.

**"I just wanted to irritate Potter,"** Severus objected, glaring at the tall boy crooning beneath a stark spotlight.

**"_Of course darling_,"** Regulus said with a mocking smile and a playful nudge. Severus had shared his true feelings for Lily with no one, not even Lily herself but Regulus was fluent in the most unspoken things.

* * *

The year of Severus's sorting had resulted in a record number of five Slytherin boys. They bragged about their wealth and their blood status but their intelligence was lacking. None of them cared for books or their surroundings. Severus had taken solace in a certain book loving redhead and whilst understanding her popularity, he had secretly despised it. By second year, after a whole one arguing with Sirius, and living in constant fear of the manipulations of the other Black's and their fanatical Slytherin gangs, Severus had not held high hopes for Regulus. Regardless, he had been as curious as everyone else as to which way the pendulum would swing. When Regulus had made Slytherin and his relatives had breathed a sigh of relief, Severus had written him off as being just like the rest of them but he couldn't have been more wrong. The small, poised boy seemed drawn to him and had sought him out in the library. Regulus had showered Severus in compliments, Severus had given him advice and they had spoken about fathers. Regulus had continued to learn from Severus and Regulus's popularity provided him with protection from Hogwarts's tyrants. He would never admit it but Severus had come to think of Regulus as the younger brother his parents had never thought to give him.

* * *

The Players had one more song before they finished for the night so that they could spend some time dancing themselves. **"Bobbie?"** James summoned an incredibly shy looking Gryffindor first year up on to the stage. She was miniature with large circular glasses similar to his, rosy pink cheeks, freckles and long blonde hair. James lowered the microphone to her level and leaned over her shoulder**. "A round of applause for my good friend Bobbie Contradine who introduced me to the song we're about to sing when I overheard her singing it."** As he spoke he took the tie out of little Bobbie's hair and removed her glasses so that she looked more at ease. Sirius put down his guitar and sat down again behind the piano. His mother had forced him to learn as a child and he was now a talented musician. Bobbie looked nervous but brightened as the crowd applauded and stared nervously at Sirius as he tapped out a slow introduction. James leaned in to what had been Sirius's microphone. **"I'd like to dedicate this song to...a heart stealer."** Several girls swooned but Lily was not one of them. She stood beside Snape with arms crossed, shaking her head. **"It's called 'Bang Bang'...Bobbie, wow the peasants."**

**"I was..." **Bobbie stammered and stopped and Dumbledore dimmed the candles hovering over the stage to darkness. Perdue joined Sirius's piano with a slow bass line.

* * *

As people were beginning to gossip, a soft, resonant voice echoed over their heads.

_I was five and she was six_

_We rode on horses made of sticks_

_She wore black and I wore white_

_She would always win the fight_

_Bang Bang, she shot me down_

_Bang Bang, I hit the ground_

_Bang Bang, that awful sound_

_Bang Bang, my baby shot me down._

Lily couldn't help herself from smiling reminded of the assassination game she had invented in first year. The drums joined the bass and people clapped and cheered as a single candle blazed over Bobbie, illuminating her radiant face. Lily was astounded; not that James had tried so hard to impress her but that he had done a selfless thing for a girl he didn't want to sleep with. Not for a few years at least. The whole thing had to be Sirius's idea.

_Seasons came and changed the time_

_When I grew up, I called her mine_

_She would always laugh and say_

_"Remember when we used to play?"_

_Bang Bang, I shot you down_

_Bang Bang, you hit the ground_

_Bang Bang, that awful sound_

_Bang Bang, I used to shoot you down_

_Now she's gone, I don't know why_

_And til this day, sometimes I cry_

_She didn't even say goodbye_

_She didn't take the time to lie_

_Bang Bang, she shot me down_

_Bang Bang, I hit the ground_

_Bang Bang, that awful sound_

_Bang Bang, my baby shot me down._

* * *

The band bowed to Bobbie and raucous applause. Their professors enchanted the instruments to play standard music so that they could enjoy the rest of the end of year ball with their dates but Lily didn't get a chance to praise James. Este Velp threw her arms around him, kissing his neck. Remus entered the Great Hall and pushed past Peter's attempts to speak to him. He was not wearing dress robes but he didn't look sick. He was flushed with anger and his hands were balled into fists. He stopped in front of Lily shaking his head and stumbling over his words. He glared at Snape with such burning hatred that he wandered away to the buffet mumbling an excuse. **"I thought that I could trust you...but you're just like the rest! Don't _ever_ talk to me again!" **Lily looked over at Sirius. He had just stepped off the stage and stood staring at Remus's retreating back.

**"I've never seen Lupin like that," **Snape returned when Remus was out of earshot,** "What did you do to him?" **Lily held her hand to her chest, her heart beating its way out of her dress but Severus quickly lost interest in an answer. His eyes were drawn to James where he was standing circled by a crowd of girls by the front doors. None of them were staring at him adoringly and James was holding his hands up in defence.

* * *

When they arrived at his side Sirius was stepping in, arms raised and wobbling. **"Girls, calm down. Let me clear this up for you,"** he slurred, **"Regina, Harper, Este, Astrid-you're all as dumb as each other if you are labouring under the false assumption that any of you _own_ James."** James stuffed his hands in to his pockets, eyes downcast. **"He's a stag-a wild animal and just as filthy."** James smirked and Lily smiled. **"He tricks and he trashes you all because he's so confident that he can charm you back."** James's head snapped up and he removed his hands from his pockets, crossing his arms. Marlene nodded in agreement behind him. **"He doesn't _care_ about your day or your feelings or your families. He just wants juicy locker room material to share with the boys and if you're all okay with that you may as well just start dancing around the poles in there, drop the charade and have an orgy. Embrace free love!"** Several girls gasped whilst guys chuckled. Severus glanced sideways at a tense looking Regulus as James grabbed Sirius by the shoulder but he was not done. **"Oh and Harper, it pains me to tell you this because you genuinely deserve better, but James is only dating you to win a bet-"**

**"Sirius!"**

James shook his friend but he only laughed. **"James?"** James let go of Sirius and he stumbled over his feet laughing as he went down. James helplessly held on to his collar but his silence spoke volumes. Harper glared around at the male members of the Gryffindor quidditch team who all averted their eyes. James tried to take her aside but she stood firm, arms crossed.

**"Don't listen to this _drunk_-"**Harper slapped James hard across the face and pushed her way out of the crowd.

**"But you are cheating on all of us?**" Este demanded and James released Sirius, raising his arms in a gesture of vulnerability.

**"I never asked you to be my girlfri-"**Este slapped him too and walked away. James bent over Sirius, massaging his scarlet jaw. The crowd were enthralled in a second hand embarrassment and not one person could look away.

**"And you _don't_ love me?" **Astrid was almost in tears. She had foolishly sung James's praises to others and never allowed people to speak badly of him in her presence. He had made a fool out of a perfectly nice girl. James glanced at Lily and then at his feet where Sirius was lying shaking his head.

**"I'm not in love with-"**Astrid gave him his third slap of the day.

**"I really thought you'd changed,"** were Regina's parting words. James tensed ready for the slap but she left him untouched, arm in arm with Astrid. James begrudgingly grabbed Sirius, lifting him to his feet. At the prospect of approaching professors, the disapproving crowd dissipated with judgemental stares, exclamations of disgust and much gossip.

**"Best party ever!"** Snape drawled clinking empty glasses with Lily. Peter frowned, James glared and Sirius smirked and took Lily by the hand.

**"Almost."** Sirius swept Lily in to the kind of dramatic kiss featured on the pages of her favourite story books. She was breathless when he put her back on her feet but not because it was magical. He tasted mildly of cigarettes and intensely of alcohol and had been so forceful it had taken her off guard. Severus, James and Peter stood staring, equally tense as Sirius laughed with a shrug. Then James drew back his fist as though he was opposed to what he was about to do and punched Sirius squarely in the jaw. Lily and Olivia gasped and Sirius crumpled to his knees. Marlene walked away shaking her head. **"Now it is..."**

* * *

Professor McGonagall broke through the crowd only to look completely unsurprised to find them all at the centre of another commotion. James strode away unable to look Lily in the eye and she followed Severus back to the buffet. McGonagall shook her head, offered Sirius a tissue and stood over him with her hands on her hips. **"Are you intent upon Gryffindor beginning next year with minus house points?"** she asked. Sirius winced and shook his head and McGonagall returned to the staff table, insisting that Sirius get his act together over the summer. Peter looked sadly at a disgruntled Olivia and they both helped Sirius to his feet. **"Peter, I'm sorry,"** Sirius mumbled through his streaming nose. **"I've bled on your shirt. Olivia _please_, your dress!"** Olivia backed away warily whilst Peter held onto Sirius until he was sure he was steady. He mouthed an apology to Lily who was staring at him from the other side of the hall. He had had no intention of dragging her in to this but the way Remus had refused to look at him had convinced Sirius that he had ruined everything. His romantic advances usually received much warmer receptions. Sirius was desperate to cover his tracks. Peter's hands had not left his elbows but it was Sirius's heart that was breaking. **"Dance! Go and dance!"** Olivia pulled Peter away in to the packed dance floor. Sirius sank in to the darkness at the back of the stage and sat periodically tilting his head back and taking swigs from a hidden bottle of stolen mead.

* * *

**"Sirius?" **Lily came to sit down beside him slipping a soft hand over his but Sirius jumped to his feet.

**"I'm not in the mood for dancing Lily,"** he sighed. Lily didn't look in the mood either but Sirius did not want to talk. He tuned Lily out to focus on more ways of covering his tracks. He had to do something and he had to do it fast. Tomorrow morning Remus would not be alone in his hatred for Sirius. He was going to make this party worthy of its name.

**"Did you do something to Remus because-"**Sirius slid past Lily and broke through Peter and Olivia's embrace with a smile.

**"May I have this dance mate?"** Peter moved aside with an obliging smile as Sirius took his girlfriend's hands. She stared awkwardly over his shoulder at Peter as Sirius twirled her in drunken stumbling circles.

**"Sirius,"** Olivia stammered breathlessly, **"Can't we slow down? Sirius!"**

**"Don't you like me? "** Sirius asked, suddenly dizzy from spinning and leaning his head on her bare shoulder. **"You look beautiful you know. Has Peter told you?"**

**"He has,"** Olivia replied with a nervous laugh as Sirius's lips grazed her collarbone, **"And of course I like you."** She shivered as Sirius kissed her neck hidden by her hair. He knew that what he was doing was wrong but Peter's capacity for forgiveness was his saving grace. No matter what any of the Marauders did, he was always the one that they could rely on to stand beside them.

**"Sirius?"** Olivia drew away giggling and stared uncertainly in to his brown eyes. Sirius did not falter, tracing a hand down the length of her arm. **"Are you drunk?"**

**"I don't have to be drunk to find you attractive,"** Sirius sighed taking her hand again and pulling her close.

**"But you would have to be drunk to try something,"** she countered bluntly**. "You're supposed to be Peter's friend-"**

**"Then I'm doing him a favour," **Sirius said before pulling Olivia in to a kiss. There wasn't anything romantic about it and he felt nothing. It was hard and forceful but Olivia didn't draw away.

* * *

Sirius was starting to enjoy himself when Peter broke between them. He pushed Sirius away from his girlfriend and stood staring incredulously at them both. **"Sirius! Olivia?"**

**"He's drunk-"**Olivia pointed accusingly at him and flattened down the back of her gown which Sirius had been fervently running his hands over moments ago.

**"Oh _please_! Everybody knows that you're only with Peter to get with James. You're all over him when Pete's not around-"**People gathered around, chanting and cheering as Sirius's best friend beat him to a pulp. He had betrayed James's trust, forcibly kissed Lily and his friendship with Remus was beyond repair. There was no one left that cared enough to stop Peter and Sirius couldn't stop himself from laughing. When Peter was torn from his chest before he could do any serious damage, it wasn't by a teacher. It was his little brother Regulus who pulled Sirius to his feet. His eyes were huge and glassy and his jaw clenched tight. He was shaking and Severus was staring at him.

**"If there were time for detention-"**

**"Minerva, teenage spirits run a little high,"** Slughorn interrupted jovially, patting Regulus's arm. **"No harm done, Sirius?"** Sirius shook his head and pressed a sleeve to his cut eyebrow. **"Then back to dancing!"**

* * *

No matter how hard or hateful Sirius's stare, Severus remained at Regulus's side. **"Let me-"**Regulus's concern was touching but it came far too late and it made Sirius feel sick. He stormed out of the Great Hall but his brother followed. **"Just because it is summer doesn't mean that you have to cut all ties with your friends! Time won't pass any quicker without letters-"**

**"_You think you know me_?"** Sirius shouted, a thin trail of blood streaming down the right side of his face.

**"I know that you only came to see me the other day as cover to get back at Bertram," **Regulus retorted heatedly, **"And I don't appreciate that!"**

**"Then punch me,"** Sirius drawled, turning an untouched left cheek towards him. **"Three's a charm-"**

**"I'm not going to hit you..."** Regulus sighed and took his brother by the arms. **"I just don't know why you have to this to yourself."** Sirius laughed and shook his head. Suddenly he came over faint and stumbled forwards into Regulus with a hand to his head.

**"You don't want to know..."** Sirius mumbled in to his velvet dinner jacket.

**"Let me take you to the-"**Sirius regained his composure quickly and pushed away his brother's hands.

**"I don't need _your_ help. Now that school's over I need to become accustomed to your standing by whilst I get the shit kicked out of me."**

* * *

**"Black has got a nerve!"** Severus paced back and forth at the foot of the front steps. **"I suppose you've forgiven him already!"**

**"Sev, it's much more complicated than you know,"** Lily sighed from her position sat on the top step. **"And he is _terribly_ drunk. Believe me. I took no pleasure in that whatsoever. Based on accounts of most of Hogwarts' female population I have faith that he can do _much_ better."** Severus stopped and sat down beside her.

**"I thought Black was your first kiss,"** he said quietly and Lily shook her head.

**"No, that was _you_,"** she said very matter-of-fact, **"I'm _sure_ you remember."** Severus smiled fondly, captivated by the pinpoints of starlight reflected in her green eyes. **"Let's go back-"**

**"Lily!"** Severus rose to his feet taking her hand and took the box from his pocket. **"I wanted to give you this before we left…in case we don't see much of each other this summer."** Lily's awe struck face broke in to a delighted smile and she untied the ribbon binding the box shut. She took out a thin gold whistle on a long delicate chain and examined it carefully. The underside was engraved with the flowers and the flat top was engraved with her initials. She slipped it over her head and held it to her lips, ready to blow. **"Say my name."**

**"Severus," **she said quite plainly and then she blew hard on the whistle. Her face dropped when it didn't make a sound but Severus was smiling. **"It doesn't work."**

**"It works,"** he said softly, taking her hand, **"Only I can hear it. If you ever need me and I'm not around, all you have to do is whistle." **Lily gripped his hand, kissed his cheek and drew him in to a tender hug. Muffled guitar echoed over them from the Great Hall and when Lily drew away Severus' hands lingered on her arms. **"I should...like to give you a kiss..."** He whispered a line from her favourite book and she smiled. He had just stepped closer when James Potter pushed between them.

**"_Excuse me_,"** he said coolly as he skipped down the front steps and off across the grounds. Severus drew his wand, pointing at his retreating back but Lily shook her head. She leaned across and kissed his forehead.

**"To be continued,"** she said and then she raced off after James. **"Potter!"**


	15. Selfish Best Intentions

James ran away in floods of shame. His scarlet cheeks felt sore and tight and tears were threatening to spill over. He had expected the aptly named 'Remember When We Were Friends?' party to end in a fight but never between Marauders. Remus had expressed his worries about Sirius's drinking but James knew that it wasn't his place to call him out. Sirius was the one person who had always understood James own misdemeanours where others simply disapproved. Whenever James had gone too far Sirius could always be counted upon to draw the line but tonight he had thrown them both over that line like it was a cliff edge. In years past they had spoken in a language completely their own; comprised solely of facial expressions, song lyrics and nods of the head but Sirius had not actually spoken more than a few words to him for days. James could not help but feel that he was being punished. Sirius was not always open about his feelings. Whilst James's friendship had brought Sirius out of his shell and given him a place to belong, his status as outcast amongst his family had caused him to become an expert bottler of feelings. He kept them in and for a long time, lined up on shelves, stacked high and out of reach for the most part but often returned to for inspection, dropped and shattered beyond repair without warning. In that respect Sirius would always be a mystery to him. James picked up his pace and made a path for the isolated darkness of the greenhouses. His selfish best intentions had become three broken hearts and one black eye and he wanted to be alone.

* * *

At the root of Lily's problem with James was the same issue she had with Severus. He was an overachiever and James was an intolerable showboat. They may have hated each other but their constant need for validation was the one thing they most had in common. Whilst Lily had the capacity to befriend, even love someone so insecure, she could never fall for them. She had watched her friends cycle unsuccessfully through such dates and come to the conclusion that she was saving romance for adulthood. In her eyes, only when both parties were mature did any relationship have hope to survive and boys matured at a much slower rate than girls. Most of those friends who had ever alluded to agreement with her opinion had cracked, often under the temptation of James Potter or Sirius Black and had their hearts broken, but Lily was willing to weather the storm.

* * *

When Lily found James, he was leaning casually against one of the greenhouses smoking a cigarette. **"This stalking is getting out of hand, Evans." **Lily let out an exasperated sigh and stood beside him.

**"You know I _would_ thank you for defending my honour with Sirius if you weren't such an _intolerable_ sleaze,"** Lily explained. He smirked mirthlessly but she didn't seem to have his full attention. She leaned in close, as though to kiss him, only to snatch his cigarette. Before he could open his mouth to complain, she threw it on to the grass and stamped it out. James cocked his head with an incredulous expression. Lily had decided that one ash flavoured kiss was enough for the night.

**"You know Evans, for the first time in a long time I'm _actually_ single,"** James stated, suggestively.

**"How does that feel?"** Lily asked. His brow puckered as though he was considering a lie. Then he half smiled and told the truth.

**"Terrifying. I can hear all of my thoughts and oddly enough...they're in my father's voice." **Lily stared at him as though she had fallen in to an alternate normal circumstances, James pulled out all of the stops to be alone with her, only to turn on his perfected charm offensive; all hair ruffling, lingering fingertips, shameless staring, inappropriate innuendo and showering her in compliments but he seemed preoccupied. Lily expected that he felt awkward about having laid himself so bare. Tales had often reached her of a physically naked James Potter but never an emotionally vulnerable one. She doubted that he had ever been so earnest with a girl.

**"That was a really nice thing you did for that girl Bobbie,"** Lily pointed out. She tried to draw the conversation back to inflating his ego in hopes of raising his spirits. He simply shrugged and stared in to the distance in silence.

* * *

**"I promised Sirius that I'd _never_ hit him."** James ran a hand over his bruised knuckles looking remorseful. He had stood and allowed Sirius to dig him a deep grave but the moment he had touched Lily was when he had crossed the line. For some reason Lily got the horrible feeling that this all had something to do with her breaking Remus's trust.

**"You're not alone,"** she said in an attempt to alleviate James's regret, **"He kissed Olivia and Peter was much less forgiving."** James groaned and covered his face with his hands. **"Hey-"**Acting on reflex, Lily pulled him in to a hug. It scared her just how natural it felt to hold him. They were both kidding themselves because times were hard and everybody liked a good joke.

**"We made a _promise_,"** James mumbled in to her hair, **"To stand strong together and never raise a hand to one another. _I _did this-" **Lily stood awkwardly, her hands at his back.

**"You're no one's keeper James,"** she sighed, as he drew away, "**You don't owe it to anyone to be a certain way...You're a 'wild animal'."** James stepped back wiping his eyes with a smile. The thought crossed her mind that this act was just another part of his showboat repertoire but he looked so painfully sincere. He wasn't ruffling his hair, winking at her or pulling some ridiculous face. He was forcing a smile, his nose and eyes were red and he wiped away his tears as though he was utterly ashamed of their presence. Lily leaned in close, lifting the hem of her dress to wipe at his steamed up lenses. When James lowered his lips to hers she pressed herself closer to him and caressed his face. For all root comparisons to Severus, James's blue eyes had never begged the prelude to a kiss. He simply took that which he saw as rightfully his.

* * *

It was not forceful, neither of them was drunk and Lily would be ashamed to admit that actually kissing James Potter was always so much better than any girl had described or she could have remembered from the year before. This year he bit her lip just hard enough for it to hurt and she sighed and grasped at his hair, overcome by a sudden weakness in her knees and a tension in her stomach. James had never failed to take her by surprise. Perhaps because they only kissed once a year it always ended up being the best. There was no official reason behind their annual limit but after second year when Lily had realised that they were drawn together, she had vowed never to exceed it. The older James became and the more promiscuous, the more Lily stuck to her word. She had no intention of becoming just another of James's toys which he adored for awhile and then discarded in favour of something new and more exciting. She refused to give him the satisfaction of making a locker room story out of her, but the fact remained that no other boy's kiss nourished her spirit like his did.

* * *

Without warning, James was blasted out of Lily's arms. She stood grasping thin air and turned around to find Severus standing firm, his wand drawn. **"Severus! There was _no_ need for that!"** she shrilled, rushing to help James where he was squirming on the grass.

**"I thought he was attacking you-"**James glowered up at Severus, winded and clutching his stomach.

**"I was..._kissing her_...you fucking moron!" **James croaked the wind knocked out of him. Severus pocketed his wand with a scathing sigh as though he genuinely would have preferred it had James been assaulting Lily. He stared at her inquiringly and Lily bowed her head. She and Severus had shared so much that his disappointment felt unbearable.

**"But Lily, I could have _sworn_ that _you_ said that Potter was a...'chauvinistic, spoiled brat, pig' who had no respect for himself or others and that he would have no one to blame when...he _died_ _alone_,"** Severus casually reeled off her quote. Lily kneeled on the grass beside James, pressing her fingertips to her swollen lips. **"Remember?" **

**"I guess I overdid it on the punch..."** she sighed. James chewed the inside of his cheek unable to look at her. He shook his head and struggled to his feet of his own accord.

**"_That must be it_,"** Severus replied sarcastically, **"I suspect Black spiked it with liquor. You missed him blazing drunk and making a fool out of himself as usual Potter, though I imagine you've seen enough of _that_."** James stopped padding at his robes to start towards him. Lily jumped up to step between them. There had been enough fighting for one night.

* * *

**"Such an embarrassment! I never could understand _how_ he got those bruises at home but _now_-"**

**"Severus, don't say-"**James's aggressive loyalty brought out a vindictive streak in Severus that had not existed before Hogwarts. Lily wished that the two of them could exist in completely parallel universes which she could jump between, but that just wasn't the case.

**"Shut your damn mouth or I'll shut it for you!"** James lunged at Severus but his wand was forgotten on the grass. Severus stunned him easily and crouched over him with his wand jabbed painfully in to his side, whispering spitefully in his ear.

**"Some _Gryffindor_ you are,"** he hissed, **"You'd never dream of attacking me one on one. No courage. Though I must say you're a true chaser; always leaving the snitch to someone else..." **

**"Sev..." **Lily stepped forwards wishing she hadn't foolishly left her wand in her bedside cabinet. There were no pockets in her dress. How stupid she had been to think that this night would run smoothly. Severus slapped James lightly with his wand and stood up.

**"You two hypocrites deserve each other,"** he said backing away from them both, **"And Lily, it's my sincerest hope that you don't catch anything from Potter because his filth is definitely catching."**

* * *

**"Can't say you didn't earn that,"** Lily broke the awkward silence left in Severus's wake. James didn't smile. He crawled to his feet using the edge of the greenhouse for support. He was reaching for his fallen wand when a white pinstriped blur bowled him off his feet. Lily shrieked as a glass pane shattered, afraid of what more the night had in store. A pale, hairless Aubrey Bertram got to his feet. He grabbed Lily and they tumbled to the ground together. She twisted her ankle on the way down and lay pinned to the grass as Betram pressed a rough hand over her mouth. Breathing heavy and ragged, he whispered in her ear: **"Shut up _mudblood_ or you'll be next!"** She stared across at James where he lay, writhing and groaning. Bertram got up, took up a large empty plant pot and walked back to James. He looked once at Lily and then smashed it forcefully down over James's head.

**"Stop it!"** Lily screamed at him but he continued to slam James's head into the ground. James's wand was several feet out of reach. Lily could not see him die, certainly not like this, at the back of a green house, unarmed and his ears still ringing with Lily's assertion that he deserved to die alone.

* * *

Panicking, she suddenly remembered the whistle hanging around her neck and desperately blew on it as many times as she could muster. Severus arrived in seconds but he didn't jump in to action. He was frozen with fear or a morbid fascination but Lily knew that Severus did not scare easily.

** "Severus! Stop him! Please!" **she begged and he raised his wand. **"Severus!"**

**"Stupefy!" **Bertram slumped forwards over a barely conscious James. Severus kicked him off and leaned down over James with a hand pressed to his pulse. The back of his head was streaming blood, half of his face was caked in mud and he was blinking through tears. **"He's _fine_. It's just a scratch...or two."** Lily was unwilling to take Severus on his word and tried to get up. **"Lily, don't move! I'll get help."** He removed his cloak, draped it around her shoulders and disappeared into the night.

* * *

Severus took his time returning and Lily was sure that he meant to punish her. When he finally reappeared with help, James had not replied to any of Lily's questions and she could barely breathe through her tears. Severus kept his distance, stuffing his hands into his pocket whilst Professor McGonagall rushed to James's side, pressing a light hand to his forehead. Professor Slughorn bent down over an unconscious Bertram and Headmaster Dumbledore came to Lily with a gentle hand on her shoulder. He cast his eyes over her grass stained dress and it was instantly repaired. **"Who let this boy out of the hospital wing?" **Slughorn asked incredulously. **"Vega gave me the impression that he was sedated."**

**"Children are adroit liars Horace and even better actors," **Dumbledore explained, conjuring a stretcher and levitating Bertram's still foetal body on to the sagging canvas.

**"Every _single_ year Albus!" **Minerva shot, **"Will you not cancel this event until it takes a life?"** Dumbledore stared at James with pursed lips but did not reply.

**"Give the boy this, Minerva,"** he said calmly, pressing a tiny vial of glittering blue potion into McGonagall's palm. It revived James but he came to groaning weakly in pain. **"Miss Evans, on your feet, dear." **Dumbledore helped Lily up. She grimaced as she put all of her weight on her left foot and Severus broke momentarily free from his anger, offering himself as a crutch.

**"It's a minor sprain headmaster," **Severus informed Dumbledore. He was smiling kindly at them and Lily felt like his light blues saw right to the core of her.

**"Thank goodness you were here Severus!"** Slughorn praised, gripping his elbow with a proud smile. Lily had been clasping her whistle so hard that the engraved flowers were imprinted in to her palm.

* * *

**"Potter, can you hear me?" **Mcgonagall crouched low over James. She had slipped an arm under his shoulder to prop him upright. He could barely keep his eyes open and his neck lolled as though his head was too heavy.

**"McGonagall?"** and Lily had never been so happy to hear his voice.

**"_Professor_ McGonagall-"**

**"What a kinky dream!" **James laughed. Slughorn chuckled. McGonagall rolled her eyes. James's gaze wandered and she snapped her fingers in front of his face. He focused on her but was probably having a hard time seeing anything without his glasses. Lily pointed down and Severus picked up the twisted, broken frames at his feet, repaired them and handed them to McGonagall.

**"Sit up. Slowly now. That's it,"** she instructed softly as she slipped the glasses up James's nose.

**"What happened?"** he asked, blinking impossibly slowly.

**"Bertram tried to kill you,"** Lily explained bluntly and James's eyes found the levitating stretcher.

**"What a _prick_,"** he mumbled. **"It'd take more than a plant pot-"**

**"Potter,"** McGonagall snapped her fingers again. He flinched and reached a hand to the back of his head. She took it away and helped him up, holding him steady. **"You need to go to the hospital wing. You have glass in your skull."**

**"But my face is good?" **There was silence as everyone stared at James.

**"Completely unaffected Headmaster,"** McGonagall remarked with pleasant surprise.

**"Children are a most resilient parasite-"**Dumbledore smiled at Lily.

**"Albus!"** Slughorn chided and Dumbledore clasped his hands together with a playful cock of the head.

**"Jesting. To the hospital wing?"**

* * *

Dumbledore apparated the group of six to the Infirmary. It was sparsely populated by a group of nauseous second years, a pair of vomit covered Hufflepuff twin girls, a soaked Professor Latham and Grubblyplank who seemed to have broken her leg and Sirius. He was sitting on a bed by Madame Dafore's office as she dabbed murtlap essence on a cut eyebrow. **"Afraid we have a few more for you Vega."** She turned to stare at the new arrivals dropping gauze in to Sirius's lap. **"Though, you'll be happy to hear that Mr Betram has been recovered." **Slughorn levitated Bertram's form in to an unmade bed on the other side of the ward, fluffed his pillows and drew the curtains.

**"Oh for heaven's sake!"** Dafore screeched as she rushed down the ward towards them pushing a laden trolley, **"They're animals! If only they could stay chubby little eleven year olds forever and save us from all of this grief!"** McGonagall helped James into a bed, nodding in agreement. Sirius raced down the ward to be beside him; staring breathless and aghast, their fight forgotten.

**"Hormones are certainly a catalyst for change, both wonderful and unfavourable,"** Dumbledore mused helping Lily lower herself on to a bed.

**"Fucking hell! What happened?"** Sirius inspected James's swollen face. The pillow beneath his head was steadily darkening with blood.

**"Mr Black!"** McGonagall scolded with a shake of her head, **"If this year were not ending I would give you so many detentions you wouldn't remember what free time was and if it so happens it _was_ you that spiked the punch and caused all of this chaos-"**Sirius took her hand with both of his.

**"I'm sorry Professor,"** he said with an honesty that made McGonagall uncomfortable, **"I'm a bad kid." **She took back her hand with a conflicted expression and squeezed Sirius's arm. Lily leaned over James to remove his glasses as Dafore rolled him on to his side. She forced him to down a flagon of 'dreamless sleep' and the furrows etched in to his brow vanished.

**"Goodnight boys. I'll get the Gryffindors off to bed. You may stay Miss Evans. Potter needs you,"** McGonagall said before Lily could refuse. Severus snorted and clasped his hands behind his back. **"Severus, come along." **Severus followed Slughorn from the ward without a glance in Lily's direction. She blew on the locket but he didn't turn around.

* * *

She sank down in to the chair beside James's bed with a sigh. Sirius could not tear his eyes away from James's blood stained pillow. Dafore was painstakingly removing the shards of glass from his matted hair. He reached out for Lily's hand. She took his and his eyes came to a close. **"Mr Black, please go and sit down. You're getting in the way,"** Dafore demanded as she turned to take murtlap essence from a tray. Sirius came around the bed and took the seat beside Lily.

**"Bertram threw him in to the greenhouse four and tried to kill him with a plant pot,"** she explained in response to his exasperated expression.

**"What happened to you?"** Sirius raised a hand to Lily's bruised mouth.

**"It doesn't matter..."** she lied. She did not want James seeking out revenge on her account again if this was what it would all come down to. **"Have you seen Remus? He looked like he wanted to slap me earlier when he told me never to speak to him again."** Whilst Lily was usually careful to keep her distance from James, no such rule had ever applied with Remus. The only thing which stopped him from being her best male friend was Sirius.

**"I'm sure he didn't mean it, dear." **Sirius and Lily both looked up at Dumbledore. He had a habit of blending in to his surroundings, which was odd because he dressed so extravagantly. Somehow he seamlessly became a part of Hogwarts's natural scenery. **"My apologies. The older one becomes the more prone to gossip and affairs of the heart. Rest up and enjoy your summers. Time is a great healer of broken bonds."**

* * *

Lily tucked James's hand under his duvet and crossed her arms.** "I kissed Remus,"** Sirius spat out once Dumbledore had left the ward and Dafore had returned to her office. James had been cleaned up and his head was wrapped in bandages.

**"Why?"** Lily asked. She was not privy to school gossip. She could be trusted to keep a secret. It was just that Remus's love for Sirius had never seemed like a secret to her. She longed for someone to love, care for and adore her, the way Remus ultimately did when it came to Sirius: unconditionally. It seemed criminal that something so pure could be so unrequited when Sirius was so obviously unhappy with his lot. She had just meant to fix things; patch up leaks, build a bridge and light a fire under their love.

**"It's his voice,"** Sirius said softly, fiddling with his bottom lip**, "It always finds me at my lowest points, reminds me that I'm not a lost cause."** Lily's eyes were large and the glossy the way any girl's became at the climatic point of a romantic film.

**"He seems to think it was a prank though,"** she noted sadly, gripping Sirius's hand, **"Not that any of that explains why you kissed me _or_ Olivia-"**

**"I was backtracking because I've ruined everything okay?"** Sirius lowered his face into his lap and Lily wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

**"I'm still your friend,"** Lily assured him, her head in his lap as she ran a hand over his hair. **"Just don't try to make out with me again."**

**"Scout's honour,"** Sirius agreed with a salute and a hand on his heart, **"And besides you're not my type and I doubt I'm yours...I'm just a disrespectful, self indulgent piece of _shit_,"** he mumbled sourly in to his knees.

**"Oh Sirius,"** Lily kissed his cheek and pressed her head close to his, **"You're not nearly all of those things."**


	16. Smokescreen

On their Head of house's instruction, Sirius and Lily returned together to the Gryffindor Tower as breakfast was being prepared. Lily took the stairs to her own dormitory to get changed in to casual clothes for the train ride home. Sirius unwillingly and quietly trudged up to the dormitory he shared with two boys who no longer wanted to see him, hoping that both were asleep. Peter was tangled in his bed sheets, his face turned away towards the window, snoring lightly and the drapes were tightly drawn around Remus's bed. The floor was clear of dirty clothes and a packed case was sitting at the foot of each four poster. Sirius removed clean clothes from his trunk and slipped silently in to the bathroom to change. There staring in to the empty shower blocks, he remembered how his foolishness had ruined everything. He got dressed at lightning speed, unable to face his reflection and stepped back in to the dormitory, dropping the dirty clothes back in to his trunk. He picked out the clothes James had asked for, crossed the room to shut the window and went back downstairs to meet Lily. She was waiting for him outside the portrait hole. Dressed in casual clothes, with her red hair pulled back in plaits, the bruise beside her mouth seemed more prominent than before. **"Can't Dafore give you something for that?"** Sirius asked raising a hand to her chin.

**"People ought to know what Bertram did,"** she replied and Sirius nodded, making no mention of all they had done to him out of vengeance.

* * *

She took James's folded clothes from him and held them close to her chest. Sirius raided the pocket of James's trousers for cigarettes and found one. **"I wish James wouldn't smoke. You're a terrible influence,"** Lily said as they walked quickly to the courtyard.

**"I didn't know you cared-"**Sirius sat down on a cold low wall and lit the cigarette, pale hands lifting it to swollen lips.

**"I don't-"**Lily would have told Sirius not to smoke too, if she thought he'd listen.

**"Then what's the damage?"** Sirius asked. Lily's face had dropped as she stared off in to the distance, absentmindedly stroking her hands over the raglan shirt in her lap.

**"James hates me because Severus told him that I said...he deserved to die alone. Severus hates me because I kissed James."** Sirius smirked; glad that James had finally gotten his annual kiss but Lily shook her head**. "And I am no longer speaking to Severus because he stood by and watched Bertram trying to kill James. There's no excuse for that."**

**"For the record, I hate Snape,"** Sirius added, blowing a trail of smoke rings, **"Total _prick_!" **

**"Well he hates you too so we've come full circle!"** Lily replied dryly.

**"He can join the club, at the back of a _very_ long line,"** Sirius sighed, hiding the cigarette behind his back as a professor passed. **"James hates me because I gathered up his women and exposed his dirty dealings. Peter hates me because I kissed his woman. Everybody else hates me because I spiked the punch and I did all of that because I kissed Remus in the shower-"**

**"_In the shower_?"** Lily stared at him with a bemused smile, a hint of blush high in her round cheeks. **"You've got style, Sirius. It has never been debated-"**

**"And no brain,"** Sirius finished sadly, pressing a light hand to his split lip with a grimace.

**"This is all _my_ fault!"** Lily stood up and paced back and forth. **"It's funny but...I only told you about Remus because...I wanted you to be happy."** Sirius finished the cigarette, stubbed the butt out on the low wall where he was sitting and stood up. Lily stared at him and his uncharacteristically stern face broke in to a smile and then a laugh. They both stood doubled over and out of breath when they had managed to stop laughing. **"What a mess!"** Lily took a bottle of perfume from her pocket, sprayed herself and Sirius and took up James's clean clothes again.

**"If only spritz of perfume could fix it,"** Sirius sighed, as they made their way back to the Infirmary. **"What do we do?"**

**"A round of apologies?"** Lily suggested. **"I think I'll start with James."**

**"I'll start with Peter..."** Sirius said softly, stuffing his hands in to his pockets, **"And if you see Remus before I do, don't tell him what I said last night."**

**"Oh I've learned my lesson!"**

* * *

After a long night of rage and restlessness, Remus woke early to a silent dormitory. Peter was flat out, and half hanging from his bed but James and Sirius's beds hadn't been slept in. Remus pushed Peter back in to bed, got dressed, closed his packed trunk, and went down to the common room, fully expecting to find it strewn with inebriated, sleeping Gryffindor's. He found the room strangely spotless instead, making it obvious that the castle's house elves had taken the party as an opportunity to clean undetected. Remus went to breakfast early with the intention of avoiding people he didn't care to bump in to but no sooner had he stepped in to the Great Hall, than Dorcas Meadowes had popped up in to his line of vision. **"Are you feeling better?"** she asked kindly, **"You look terrible."** Remus cast a quick glance over the hall. When his eyes did not find Sirius or Lily he sat down with Dorcas, Marlene and Mary with a forced yawn.

**"I had some trouble sleeping,"** Remus explained vaguely.

**"Gryffindors are a rowdy breed," **Marlene commented as Dorcas poured him a glass of pumpkin juice.

**"Yes,"** Remus took the drink with a grimace at her sweet nature. He had never meant to let her down and he had no hopes of being forgiven. **"I suppose I ought to have gone to the hospital wing-"**

**"I doubt there'd have even been a bed for you. You picked quite the night to fall ill."**

* * *

Mary Macdonald went on to excitedly divulge the events of the night before with an epic rendition of how James had risked death to save Lily from an insane Aubrey Bertram. Marlene rolled her eyes but before Remus knew it, he had left his half eaten breakfast and rushed to the Hospital Wing. An exhausted looking Professor McGonagall was drawing the curtains around a bed at the end of the ward. Lily was standing by the next bed where Sirius was sitting with his back to the door. Remus raced forwards fearing for the worst and pulled back the drawn curtain. He found James behind it, his head wrapped in bandages, pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and staring at him nonplussed. **"Sorry. I got the impression you were..." **He looked nowhere near the 'at death's door'Mary had described. Clearly gossip had extravagantly exaggerated many of the details of last night. Not much of it had seemed real to Remus.

* * *

Lily shuffled closer to stare over his shoulder. **"Morning!" **she laughed, winking at James who dropped his trousers to the floor and placed his hands on his hips. Remus tensed, looking at Lily out of the corner of his eyes. He knew that she had been attacked by Bertram but he had not forgotten how she had betrayed his trust. He could feel Sirius's eyes on his back but he refused to turn to face him. He knew that his anger would be replaced by concern if he looked at his cut up face.

**"Enjoy the view Evans! It's not for free-"**McGonagall drew the curtain back around the bed with a disapproving tut.

**"Get _dressed_ Mr Potter! We'd all like to eat breakfast at some point this morning!" **Lily stepped backwards, sitting down beside Sirius on the bed but Remus stood firm, staring at the drawn curtain.

**"Remus?" **Sirius pushed himself to his feet, wringing his hands. Remus shut thoughts of said hands from his mind and shook his head. He turned and left the ward even quicker than he had entered it.

* * *

Sirius stood, stunned, his arms hanging uselessly at his sides. Lily offered up an encouraging smile and a tender hand but he refused both and raced out of the infirmary after Remus. He did not catch up to him and collided at full speed with someone in the entrance hall. His brother, Regulus in a pressed smart shirt and trousers grabbed him by the elbows to stop him from racing off. **"Are you alright?"** he asked as though Sirius's bitterness from the night before was forgotten. He was always the first to forgive.

**"I'm fine-"**

**"But your face!"** His face looked marginally worse the morning after. His split lip kept cracking and bleeding, his cut brow was an angry shade of purple and his right eye was black, puffy and swollen. **"Father's going to lose it-"**

**"If this mug is proof of anything, it's that I can take a good kicking, alright?"** Sirius insisted, squeezing his brother's arm.

**"Sirius, please,"** he begged, anything but assured, **"Promise not to-"**

**"I'll try okay?"** he mumbled pressing two fingers to his raw lip, **"This summer's going to be different. Trust me."** Regulus was staring at him as though he really wanted to.

**"I loved the tape,"** he said as Sirius's hand left his arm, **"A lot of people did. Tallulah Momtgomery actually listened to it with me after the party."**

**"And?" **Sirius asked. He had been surprised too when the older girl had taken his little brother as her date. He was handsome but naive too and nothing like the boys she had a history with.

**"She's my girlfriend now,"** Regulus informed him, trying to suppress a grin. Sirius clapped a hand on his shoulder with a smile.

**"That's great! It was 'Best of my Love' wasn't it?"** Sirius asked and Regulus nodded, **"Certified make out track...And I guess it helps that you're a cute version of _me_-"**

**"Shut up! I'm clearly a _better_ version,"** Regulus joked but Sirius's face fell a little. He had heard the same sentiments from his father too often not to take them to heart.

**"You should give her a copy of the tape...to listen to over the summer,"** Sirius advised, shoving his hands in to his pockets and walking briskly away down the hallway.

**"Okay..."** Regulus replied, staring at his retreating back with the dawning realization that he had somehow upset him, **"I'll see you at King's Cross!"**

* * *

Once James was fully dressed, Dafore gave him a healing potion and instructed him not to take it on an empty stomach and he headed off in the direction of the Great Hall. Lily followed, trailing a few steps behind. She told herself that it was because she felt afraid that he might fall but he seemed in good health and just a cocky as ever, striding confidently and smirking at others in the hallway. The closer they came to the Great Hall, the more packed the hallways became, until they were standing together in the pulsing entrance hall and every neck was craning to get a look at their battle wounds. Lily pulled James aside in to a small atrium off the main hall and shut the door. He smirked as she pushed him up against the far wall. **"James, I need to say something."**

**"I thought I was _beneath_ you,"** he scoffed, with raised eyebrows at their enclosed surroundings.

**"You wish!"** Lily retorted flirtatiously, **"Just know that I'm sorry about what I said-"**

**"Don't be,"** James replied, pushing his glasses up his nose and crossing his arms, **"I looked it up and I am actually kind of a chauvinist."**

**"But you don't deserve to-"**

**"I don't give a damn what _Snivellus_ thinks," **James snapped, scratching the back of his head, **"But I care what _you_ think."**

**"You shouldn't," **Lily said, taking his hand away as he picked at his bandages, **"We're not even friends."** James stared at her hand on his, brow furrowing and stepping closer.

**"What are we?"** he asked, still holding her hand, pressing his thumb in to her palm.

**"A tangled web?" **she offered with a pained smile as he raised the hand not holding hers to her, bruised cheek.

**"I'm good with knots,"** he murmured, blue eyes closed and leaning in closer still.

**"Just say you forgive me,"** Lily begged, her whole body tensed against him.

**"Kiss me."**

* * *

She stared in to his blue eyes, vividly reliving the kiss from the night before; his hands on her hips and his teeth biting down on her bottom lip. Her knees grew weak at the thought of it but she didn't want to be another girl enamoured by his every breath.** "No can do,"** she retorted, turning her head away from his advancing lips and releasing his hand, **"_One_ kiss a year. You wouldn't want to exceed your dosage."** James stepped back with a knowing smirk.

**"Is that every calendar year or every school-"**Blushing, Lily opened the door behind her.

**"I'll leave your jacket on your armchair-"**

**"Give it to me when I see you in the summer,"** James said with a wink, gripping her fingers as she turned to leave.

**"In your dreams, Potter."**

**"In my dreams..."**

* * *

Lily caught sight of a long dark head of hair entering the Great Hall and rushed up to her dormitory in the Gryffindor Tower again. She swiped a heavy black cloak from her bed and returned with it around her shoulders. She blew on the whistle and stood waiting at the bottom of the main staircase. He came out of the Great Hall holding a bowl of her favourite cereal and sat down beside her on the steps. She was holding his cape in her lap. **"I just wanted to give you this back,"** the cape and cereal swapped hands and Lily smiled appreciatively up at him. **"Thank you...for the whistle...for last night." **Lily rarely wore jewellery but the whistle was so beautiful that it wasn't something she'd be taking off in a hurry.

**"Good thing I wasn't expecting any gratitude from Potter,"** Severus answered bitterly, pulling on his cloak. Lily ate her cereal quickly, not wanting to speak any more ill of James. **"I just didn't think you were the kind of girl who would fall for his schemes, Lily."** Lily bowed her head and lowered her spoon back into the bowl.

**"I don't know what kind of girl I am, Sev,"** she sighed, staring in to her cereal.

**"A Wendy Bird?"** Severus offered and she looked across at him with a smile, **"Potter's a Pan. Don't waste your life with him, Lily."**

* * *

Lily leaned in to his shoulder, resting her head on him for a moment. **"Summer is _more_ than enough time to forget about him,"** Lily explained, sitting upright and eating several more mouthfuls of cereal. **"That is what happens when you leave Neverland, right?"** She hoped that there would never come a time when a reference from their favourite book wouldn't fix everything. They both looked around at the high ceiling, crumbling old columns and castle walls with fond expressions. Both heads snapped forwards as James was dragged from the Great Hall. He was with a third year Ravenclaw girl neither of them knew by name and she took him in to the atrium where Lily had asked for his forgiveness. Snape glared at his retreating back with disdain whilst Lily simply shook her head, wondering why she had expected anything less.

**"More than enough time,"** Severus replied bluntly. He never had liked going home but Lily understood all of the reasons why. **"Don't forget about me too."**

**"No chance,"** she promised, nudging his hand with hers, **"You're probably more equipped to climb up to my bedroom window now."** He smiled the way so few people saw and took her empty bowl from her. **"Too tall to hide from my dad underneath my bed though,"** Lily laughed and got to her feet. She saluted instead of hugging him. **"See you at the station, creep."** Lily walked away towards the courtyard and Severus watched her go with a lingering smile.

* * *

Sirius had spent a good three quarters of an hour pacing the courtyard trying to formulate what he could say to Remus to fix things, lamenting his lack of cigarettes and dipping out of sight whenever he thought he saw someone he had upset. Lily passed him on his way out with news that she had made peace with Snape and James, and Sirius decided that he ought to do the same with the latter before he did anything else. He hadn't been able to find Peter and couldn't see their reconciliation going his way. Friends may have come before girls in their more juvenile days but in more recent times James had often trumped that particular card. Olivia and had been Peter's first real girlfriend. Sirius was not proud of what he had done. He sought James out in the atrium off the entrance hall and found him in the arms of a girl he had been making eyes at the night of the party. "**Don't you know how to knock?"** James snapped. The girl blushed and giggled and slipped out of the atrium. **"Find me on the train!"** James stepped out of the small room, readjusting his rumpled shirt.

**"Doesn't seem like I need to say sorry,"** Sirius observed as James ruffled the hair not trapped by bandages with a sigh.

**"You couldn't stop my game if you were a referee,"** James remarked smugly and Sirius nodded.

**"I'm still sorry-"**

**"Don't be,"** James countered, unable to drag his eyes away from Sirius's black one. He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. **"But you shouldn't drink so much."**

**"Most of it went in the punch actually-"**

**"I knew that was you!"** James exclaimed excitedly, clapping his hands together, **"You missed living art. The Heron twins puked on each other and Grubblyplank slipped in their sick and broke her leg and Latham got drenched in trifle. It was a masterpiece! I think Peter got pictures."**

**"Not likely to show them to me though,"** Sirius interjected sadly.

**"He said that this morning he sat in your seat by the fire and two first years shone his shoes and Olivia's begging him to take her back but he made out with Millie Kloves after he ruined your face-"**

**"Kloves?" **Sirius asked in disbelief.

**"Seems punching you did wonders for his popularity," **James concluded, **"He should really be thanking you. Nobody took him seriously before his girlfriend kissed everybody behind his back-"**

**"James!"** Sirius suddenly felt a fraction less terrible for ruining his friend's first real relationship.

**"I swear on my own good looks!" **James urged with a hand on his heart, **"Remember that time I was late to quidditch practice? Jumped by that _tramp_-totally obsessed with me and I can't say I blame her-"**

**"What a sick world we live in,"** Sirius sighed, shaking his head.

**"Remus is still pretty ticked off about the kiss though-"**

**"What?"** Sirius stared at his best friend with huge eyes, pulse racing.

**"Olivia-_Peter's_ girlfriend!"** Sirius's heart almost returned to normal. **"Remus is old fashioned. He believes in honour and chivalry and...jousting."** Sirius was so relieved that he almost smiled but he could barely breathe. **"Peter said Remus thinks you're a dirty dog. You better make it up to him or the train ride home is gonna be more awkward than a rectal exam."** Sirius grimaced at James's way with words and he patted him on the back. **"Get to it man!"**

* * *

After four years of friendship it was no longer difficult for Sirius to predict where Remus would be. He tracked him down to the library which he vacated swiftly at the sight of him. Sirius followed him down to the third floor, surprised by how quickly he could move and how much it hurt to be ignored. In his years at Hogwarts, ignored was the last thing Sirius had been; by his family, by his friends, by girls, by professors or by anyone. He didn't like it. **"Remus! Remus! Stop! Are you going to avoid me forever?"** Remus stopped dead in the hallway and Sirius almost crashed in to him.

**"I suppose you think that little shower stunt was _hilarious_!" **Remus spat, his hands balled in to fists, **"Seems like I was just the first stop on your little campaign trail last night! Whatever Lily told you, I didn't mean and certainly don't anymore!"** Sirius's black eye began to tear and he rubbed it so hard it hurt, wincing in pain and gasping. Remus shook his head, tensed rigid and willing away the desire to comfort him. **"I am sick of always looking after you!"**

**"What do you mean?"** Sirius asked, blinking tears out of his black eye, as he thought about full moons.

**"You're all corrupt!"** Remus shot and Sirius could not deny his claims. **"You only care about yourselves! Fifth year...we go our separate ways." **Sirius's heart caught in his throat. He eyed the empty hallway and dragged Remus by the arm inside the trophy room. He slammed the door so hard behind them that several trophies shook in their cabinets.

**"Peter's forgiven me and James begged me to make it up to you thinking that you were mad about Olivia and Lily only said what she did because she wanted us to be happy!" **

**"What a joke!" **Remus laughed bitterly, his back against a full cabinet, as far away from Sirius as he could get.

**"No, she loves you,"** Sirius insisted and Remus laughed mirthlessly again, **"James and Peter do and they're not alone. _I_...love you."** Remus's stern expression did not dissolve. His eyes did not become glossy. His heart didn't melt. His brows knitted together and colour rose in to his cheeks.

**"This isn't funny! You _disgust_ me!"** The rage which had been swirling within him all night came spewing out in living colour and Sirius flinched, drenched in it. **"You and James seem to think that your constant goading about my inability to get a date is all fun and games, but it _hurts_ and last night it hurt too much for you to charm me back. I know, better than anyone, that no one is ever going to love me because I live in the hospital or the library, lies come second nature and beneath these scars is a monster...I know..."**

* * *

Remus's tense wrath released him and he crumpled inwards, tears soaking in to his sleeves. Sirius was held in place by his guilt but his mouth was free. **"You're not a monster...You're the only reason I'm alive."**

**"What?"** Remus stared through his fingers at him, catching his breath and Sirius debated whether to go on, internally kicking himself for never thinking things through.

**"You're the voice in my head..."** Sirius began with uncertainty but then he realised that there was nothing more that he could do to ruin them. Remus was disgusted by his actions. The Marauders were splitting up. Summer would be a whole new era of torment and he would deserve every fist thrown his way. **"Whenever something bad is happening to me, I imagine that you're reading to me. Whenever I feel...worthless it's your voice that tells me that I'm not." **Remus had straightened up and was staring at him with unblinking amber eyes, cogs visually turning the way they did whenever he was trying to read and Sirius was distracting him. He shook his head and Sirius shifted under the weight of ten tons of rejection but then he smiled.

* * *

Sirius felt something inside him break and he flew across the room, pulling Remus in to his arms before he fell apart altogether. In the fleeting moment before Sirius's lips found his, Remus saw something unrecognisable. It was something he had never been able to put a name to before. It was something which had once existed only in daydreams which tortured him in the early hours and every hour of Valentine 's Day. It was a wish for companionship granted and it was the truth in a trophy room. Hanging around his neck, Sirius felt like gleaming medal in himself, confirmation of the triumph of having finally found each other when both had been looking the other way. Sirius drew away to catch his breath. Remus exhaled like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders but no sooner had he opened his mouth to ask a question had Sirius grabbed him by the face, kissing him fiercely as though making up for lost time. **"I thought...you...liked girls."**

**"Smokescreen..."** Sirius replied weakly as Remus's nose brushed his neck.

**"Have you...told...Lily?"** Sirius smiled under his lip.

**"I'm...not...stupid."** Suddenly Remus drew away, gripping his face with both thumbs pressed up in front of his ears.

**"This stays in this room."**

**"Why?"** Sirius leaned in to his right hand. For all of the things he had worried about since coming to the realisation that he was in love with Remus, what other people might think had not been one of them. When he had been outcast by the Slytherins and misjudged by his fellow Gryffindors he had not taken public opinion to heart. Lily had never showed any hint of disapproval and if James or Peter did then that was their problem and their loss. Sirius had never changed to appease anyone and he would not start now.

* * *

**"Your father will kill you..."** Remus murmured softly, releasing his face and smoothing down his shirt.

**"Perfect,"** Sirius replied without missing a beat but Remus did not laugh. He sank to his knees with a face like a kicked dog.

**"Tell me that that isn't why you're doing this,"** he begged. Sirius crouched down and shook his head, astounded by the depths of Remus's insecurities. He took his right hand in his tracing light fingers over the lines of his palm.

**"If I wanted to upset my father I'd shave my head and join a commune dedicated to peace and free love."** Remus smiled and ran a hand over his hair. Sirius kissed him again and Remus never wanted him to stop. The guilt and hesitation he had felt kissing Dorcas was missing in action with Sirius. They were saving one another. He had no doubt about that.

**"You know...you have...the worst timing,"** Remus stated in between soft kisses.

**"I'll..."** Sirius sighed as Remus ran his hands through his hair, his own hands brushing something hard in Remus's pocket. Sirius raised an eyebrow and Remus took out the gifted dog carving with a smile. **"I'll visit you."**

**"My father...isn't very...fond of you," **Remus mumbled as Sirius pulled him back on to the floor with him and kissed him hard and eager.

**"Now he...has good...reason."**

**"What about..." **Remus pushed himself up in to a sitting position, **"James and Peter?"**

**"They'll understand-"**

**"No. Don't tell them," **Remus cut him off, **"Not yet. We don't know what's going to happen."** Remus was always thinking ten steps ahead. Sirius had never beaten him at chess.

**"I do,"** Sirius said tenderly, kissing him again, **"Dogs are loyal-"**Sirius nuzzled his neck, growling low and playful.

**"You deserve better,"** Remus got to his feet, brushing off his dusty trousers. Sirius jumped up too, smiling and taking his hand.

**"Not possible. You're the best in our year."**

* * *

James stood with Peter and Lily at the castle gates waiting for the carriages which would transport them to the station. **"Sirius is going to miss the carriages,"** Peter noted, twisting and turning, looking for Sirius and Remus in every passing group of students.

**"He's sorry you know mate,"** James explained. He hoped that Remus and Sirius had kissed and made up because they had made it to the end of every year so far in good spirits and it was a record he didn't want to break. **"I am too. I should have told you."** James had apologised for not telling him about Olivia and unlike Sirius escaped a beating.

**"I know. You were trying to save my feelings-There they are!"** Peter avoided an emotional conversation, pointing out Remus and Sirius as they came rushing towards them trailing their cases. The breadth of their smiles made it obvious to James that they had settled their disagreement. James pulled both in to a hug and Peter too. Lily stood watching with a smile as their trunks were loaded on to the last carriage. Sirius pulled her awkwardly in to the hug. James's hand brushed hers.

**"Thank Merlin!"** he proclaimed, **"We're all friends again! That was a horrifying twenty four hours. I thought I was going to have to turn off our life support machine."**

* * *

The short carriage ride to the station was powered by pleasant conversation, jokes and amusing anecdotes. James and Peter sat on one side of the carriage and Remus and Sirius took the other with Lily squeezed between them. James was animated, whilst Sirius seemed subdued and Remus stared out of the window watching Hogwarts dissolve in to the distance. Stepping on to the Hogsmeade platform, Remus helped Lily down out of the carriage with a look distinctly less disdainful than the one he had given her that morning in the infirmary. He took up her hand and kissed it and she threw her arms around him. **"_Kissed you in the shower_?"** Lily whispered and Remus blushed as she drew away. She hugged Sirius and then Peter and didn't offer James as much as a handshake. **"I'm going to miss you three."** James rolled his eyes and stood with arms crossed.

**"Everybody knows you're going to miss me too, Evans."**

**"Don't get that huge head of yours stuck in the train door, Potter."** Lily got on to the Hogwarts Express and walked away down the aisle. James stuffed his hands in his pockets with a sigh and a sideways smirk at his best friends.

**"Everything is back to normal."**


	17. Freedom

Within minutes of finding a compartment together, The Marauders had divided; Peter's grumbling stomach pulled him away to the food trolley and other undeniable urges set James on a path, presumably for the Ravenclaw he'd been kissing that morning, leaving Sirius and Remus alone and secretly glad. Only a few short hours ago, both had been cold as the wind blows, trapped in disconnected miseries with no hope of a way out. Sirius had turned to the bottle, effectively drowning his sorrows whilst Remus had bottled up his feelings and agreed to date a girl he had no feelings for. In the space of a week they had felt everything from love, to lust, to hate, frustration and anger; only to stumble across the discovery that they were made to keep each other warm, in a third floor bathroom on the last day of term. Everything had changed and nothing had. To Sirius, anything before Remus's lips on his was lost time. Remus could finally understand why Sirius's eyes had always felt like coming home. In years past, Remus had openly and often bitterly mocked his friends whenever they couldn't seem to keep their hands or their mouths off their dates for more than a few minutes but now that Sirius had declared his love, the idea that his hands or mouth could be anywhere but on him seemed a grave miscarriage of justice. There was a newfound brightness which bathed everything he touched and Remus's body no longer felt like a cage.

* * *

Remus had been smart enough to lock the compartment door and draw the blinds but when the door gave a rattle, both jumped apart breathing hard. Sirius sat back laughing and Remus nervously smoothed down his rumpled clothes, unable to take his eyes away from the locked door.** "They're going to find out,"** he fretted.

**"No, they're not-"**Sirius's unfaltering confidence had carried him through countless disasters but he often did things with the sole purpose of being caught out and his wink did not leave Remus assured.

**"May I remind you that the last secret which came between Marauders only lasted two years and it was James who figured it out,"** Remus insisted, remembering how his friends had cornered him demanding the truth about his monthly hospital visits and bodily scars with James affectionately dubbing the full moon his 'furry little problem'.

**"He had help," **Sirius noted stretching his legs out across the full seat so that his head was in Remus's lap. **"And you can't say he wasn't understanding."**

**"Somehow I don't think it would be the same."** Sirius smiled up at him and any regret Remus had felt about loving him instantly dissipated. **"You don't care what anybody thinks, do you?"**

* * *

**"Don't have the time!"** Sirius understood Remus's hesitance. It was in his character to be wary about entering in to a relationship with somebody because he didn't know who he could trust.

Whilst Sirius had proven himself trustworthy a thousand times over, Remus could not trust anybody else. Wizarding society was liberal but it was going through a difficult state of flux. Sirius knew that some might choose to target them and that Remus just couldn't bear to be judged. He understood that being a werewolf had made Remus eager for acceptance and willing to work for it where others accepted it as rightfully theirs. Remus didn't want to give people any more excuses to write him off as an unfit member of society. Sirius did not want him to have to struggle and sneaking around and keeping secrets had struck him as a small sacrifice. Since the sorting hat had given a place to belong and his family had cast him out of their loving embrace, Sirius had seen himself as an outcast. At first he had felt isolated, growing up quickly to compensate but eventually he had learned to take strength in that freedom. He hoped that someday Remus might learn to do the same. **"Don't you...have a _gift_ for me?"** Shaking his head, Remus reached in to his bag and pulled out the wrapped record.

**"You're terrible. You listened to it?"** Sirius reached for the record and Remus playfully pulled it beyond his grasp. **"You hated it, didn't you?"**

**"You underestimate my fine taste,"** Sirius quipped, kissing him again and finally grabbing the record. **"I listened to it and then I came to find you and you were kissing Dorcas..."** Remus grimaced and covered his face with his hands as Sirius removed the record from its sleeve. **"I'm glad actually. I couldn't have lived with the guilt of having you all to myself."**

* * *

Peter knocked on the compartment door and Sirius sat up, stashing his record and opening the window. Remus unlocked the door with a nervous smile. **"I thought you were out of cigarettes,"** Peter said, staring at Sirius where he was hanging out of the window.

**"I am. I'm killing myself. Give me chocolate or give me death." **Sirius took the seat beside Peter, gratefully accepting his offer of sweets. Olivia's smiling face popped in to the compartment window. She knocked politely, Sirius waved and she blushed scarlet, grimaced and rushed away down the aisle. **"Look, I'm a horrible drunk and she's a nice girl. Go after her." **With Sirius's blessing, Peter left the compartment and followed Olivia down the aisle. He grabbed her hand and she stopped short, turning to face him, flustered and sighing. Peter didn't know what to say so he took James's advice and let his lips do the talking, kissing her before she could say anything. Someone pushed by them coughing loudly and both drew away, laughing

**"Sirius is an idiot,"** Peter said softly and she nodded and slipped hair behind her ear. **"And you don't want James, do you?" **Peter had never minded sharing his things but he could not bear sharing in a girl's affections. He also could not have coped with constantly having to live up to his best friend's overachieving romantic standards.

**"It was just a kiss. It was stupid. I'm sorry,"** Olivia apologized, taking his hand and squeezing it. Peter wanted to believe her. **"Do you forgive me?"** Peter kissed her again because he hadn't forgiven her entirely. **"I really want to see you on your birthday."** Peter put his hands in his pockets and forced a smile. He could never appreciate birthdays the way others did. It felt like celebrating the loss of a limb. For once it would have been nice not to have to spend any of it in a cemetery surrounded by those forever barred from the privilege of more birthdays. At Hogwarts he had finally found a place to call home. On his birthday it stung to be reminded that it was because of Hogwarts that he was alive and Paul was dead. **"You must be the youngest in our year."** Paul would be ten forever and Peter envied him that. He would never grow old, feel betrayed or disappoint anyone. He was frozen in the dead space of wasted potential and often Peter felt the crushing pressure to do his best on his account.

* * *

**"Saving these seats for anyone?"** Severus looked up at Regulus with a smile. He slid the compartment door shut behind him and sat down as close to him as he could muster. Severus rolled his eyes and moved to the empty seat opposite. Regulus put up his feet with a melodramatic pout.

**"I thought you'd be with your cousins,"** he said, putting away his book. Regulus emptied the bulging pockets of his denim jacket and threw sweets at his friend.

**"I'll be stuck with them all summer,"** he sighed sadly, **"You, however, shall leave me hanging from letter to letter." **

**"How will you cope?"** Severus asked dryly, warily picking through a packet of every-flavour beans. Regulus mimicked his actions and both settled on a green bean with a smirk, counting down on their fingers before popping them in their mouths, chewing with eyes closed.

**"Apple pie,"** Regulus said, swallowing with a contented smile. Severus had stopped chewing. He was sat frozen, gripping the bottom of his seat, going a little green himself. He rushed to the window, tore it open and spat out the bean, gagging. Regulus tried to contain his laughter as he patted his back.

**"Rotten egg,"** he coughed with a sour expression, **"I swear you rig it every time."** Regulus smiled broad and smug as Severus sat back down, sticking out his tongue.

**"I'm just a lucky son of a bitch,"** he explained shrugging and looking at his reflection, **"Handsome too."**

**"Arrogant is a more _just_ assumption,"** Severus corrected, eating several peppermint humbugs in swift succession. **"Just like your brother."** Regulus looked across at him, fiddling anxiously with empty sweet wrappers. **"Who will no doubt keep you busy and entertained all summer."**

**"Why can't I visit you?"** Regulus asked, sitting forwards with a forced smile, **"I suppose you're ashamed of our love? I want to meet mum and dad. Aren't you ever going to let me stay over?"**

**"No."**

* * *

One of the many things James found irresistible was a Scottish accent. Third year Ravenclaw, Odette McKinney was tall and athletic with olive skin, curly brown hair and a Scottish lilt which drove James wild. He never wanted her to stop saying his name. He couldn't understand how it had taken them three years to find one another in the toilet of a moving train. She kissed like it was a competition and James always let her win. **"Listen to me, Potter."** She grabbed him lightly by the hair, pulling him away from her neck with a serious expression. **"I don't want to be another of your stories. If I'm going to have you..." **James winced as she tugged harder to stop him from cutting her off with kisses, **"I want all of you and I don't like to share." **She slapped him lightly on the cheek, gave him a peck and left the bathroom. James buttoned up his shirt and checked his hair and bandages in the mirror with a sigh. His mother would throw a fit at the state of her only son and his father would insist upon knowing exactly what he did to deserve it. James stepped out in to the aisle to find Snape standing clutching a bottle of pumpkin juice, shaking his head.

**"Staying where you belong, _Potter_."** There was something so much less arousing about the way Snape said his name. James pushed his glasses up his nose and gave Snape the finger.

**"Beats being alone, _Snape_,"** James snapped, closing the short space between them and standing closer to Snape than he could bear to whisper, **"which is what you'll be, _forever_." **Snape slipped out from underneath him, glaring disdainfully. **"Enjoy your summer, arsehole."**

**"I will,"** Snape spat, **"in Lily's room-"**He strolled away down the aisle and James shouted after him.

**"Sat comfortably in the friend zone!"**

* * *

James returned to his friends, sitting down beside Remus and taking a bite of his chocolate bar. **"You thief!" **Peter was sitting opposite with Sirius flipping silently through a comic book.

**"Amongst other things Odette McKinney makes me hungry,"** James said through a mouthful of sweets.

**"I know the feeling,"** Sirius agreed with a sly smile, **"She sounds like a keeper."**

**"She wants me to stop dating other girls,"** James explained, **"But what happens in summer, stays in summer, right?"**

**"Does it?"** Remus asked tentatively, fidgeting awkwardly and running a hand through his hair. Sirius knew that he was worried about what would happen once summer had ended. It would be easy to keep secrets outside of school but once term resumed and they returned to classes and close quarters with James and Peter, the sneaking around was bound to drive a wedge between them.

**"For you,"** Sirius replied bluntly and James smirked smugly. **"But may 'remember when we were friends?' be a lesson to you."**

**"The only lesson learned that night was that you drink like a girl,"** James sniped and Remus nodded, smiling from behind his book. **"I guess I'm just a little offended that you kissed everyone but me."**

**"And Peter,"** Sirius pointed out and Peter sat forwards, eyebrows raised, clutching his comic.

**"What?"** he asked, staring at them and twisting his bottom lip between his fingers.

**"Sirius wants to-"**Sirius leapt across the compartment to clamp a hand over James's mouth, kissing his face. Remus pushed himself in to the corner of the seat, holding his book over his head as James lurched in to his side. Sirius leaned across to kiss Remus on the cheek before jumping back in to his seat and kissing Peter. James sat forwards wiping his face roughly. Remus held his book firmly in his lap, heart racing and flush dying down. Peter held a hand to his cheek, mouth hanging open in shock. **"You should get a trolley like the sweet lady, get paid in cash for those kisses."**

**"Not a bad idea, if my family ever actually disowns me,"** Sirius laughed.

**"They might if you keep on kissing men,"** Peter said jokingly. Sirius stared across at Remus but he got up, swiftly excusing himself and leaving his book behind. **"But I won't be giving you money. I got back with Olivia." **

**"Rejoice!"** James cried, stretching out to fill the empty seat and pushing Remus's book on to the floor. Sirius crouched to pick it up with a sigh. **"Now I know who to invite to your-"**James groaned as Sirius hit him in the chest with Remus's heavy book.

**"To my _what_?"** Peter asked inquisitively with a broad smile. James sat massaging his shoulder with a glare at Sirius.

**"Your funeral. Sirius is going to bludgeon you to death with that book."**

**"As long as he doesn't kiss me again."**

* * *

Sirius left the compartment in search of Remus. He had no idea what he was going to say but he knew that he had to say it. He found him sitting with Lily, Dorcas, Marlene and Mary a few compartments down. He was laughing, Dorcas was leaning in to him and his face was so free of worry that Sirius felt guilty knowing that he was the one to ruin that. **"Sirius!"** Lily slid open the compartment door but Sirius stood firm in the aisle, unwilling to burst their happy bubble.

**"Your _friends_ did quite the number on your face,"** Marlene remarked with a tender smile as Lily pressed a hand to his bruised cheek. **"Your enemies must feel cheated."**

**"I doubt it. My cousins probably have photographs to add to the family album."** Sirius stared at Remus as he looked pointedly out of the window.

**"Bruises fade,"** Lily advised, gripping his hand.

**"Believe me, _I know_."** Sirius let go of her hand and walked away down the aisle.

**"Sirius."** Remus ushered Sirius into an empty compartment, locked the compartment and drew the blinds. **"I'm just-"**

**"You don't _ever_ have to worry about _me_,"** Sirius enthused, taking him by the shoulders and sitting him down.

**"Someone has to."** Sirius kissed him again and his split lip bled. Remus removed a tissue from his pocket and pressed it to the cut. **"If your father did find out-"**

**"He won't," **Sirius cut across him and sat down, **"He doesn't give a damn what I do."**

**"You're his firstborn son, Sirius. He's expecting you to carry on his family name-"**

**"You're so traditional. He has another son, a _better_ son as he so often points out," **Sirius muttered bitterly and Remus squeezed his hand.** "And just so you know, if it came down to the choice between you and them, I'd pick you every time."**

* * *

The Marauders reunited on the platform. Trunks at their sides, surrounded by students and their parents and shrouded in the smoke of the Hogwarts Express they said their goodbyes. James drew each of them into a fierce hug. His mother and father broke through the crowd. His father shook his head at the sight of his bandaged son. His mother, a nurse who had seen much worse tittered loudly and kissed him affectionately on each cheek**. "Good to see you boys. Did that brat Bertram get to you too, Black?"** James's father asked and Sirius laughed. James's father was of high social standing; a man of class, honour and chivalry and someone that Sirius respected and held in high regard. His wife was unfailingly kind and unrestrained in her affections. Sirius treasured her concern because if he was envious of anything James had, it was not his looks, his money or his charm but how much his parents loved him.

**"Not exactly, sir,"** he explained as they followed James's parents off the platform and into King's Cross. **"Your son has a mean right hook." **James's mother gave him a soft disapproving slap.

**"I imagine a girl was involved,"** his father guessed smartly. His wife kindly waved Peter's parents over.

**"One or two,"** Sirius mumbled as he was pulled in to a hug by Peter's mother. She was a short, squat woman and her clothes were always spattered with paint. James had been secretly writing to her for a month and was worried that Peter was suspicious of how hard she had hugged him.

**"Are your parents meeting you here?"** she asked and Sirius and Remus both shook their heads.

**"My father's away working,"** Remus explained, struggling with his trunk.

**"My parents tell me I'm too old for them to pick up from school,"** Sirius said, nodding at his brother as he took up the seats behind them.

**"You grow up so fast,"** Peter's father said and his wife gripped his arm, affectionately. **"I wish you could all be with us for Pete's birthday."** Peter averted his gaze and Sirius squeezed his hand. Behind them James winked at Peter's parents and his mother turned away to shield a smile. Remus stared up at the train times frowning and Sirius leaned in to whisper in his ear.

**"See you next week."** He hugged each of his friends for an equal amount of time, said goodbye to James's and Peter's parents and carried on out of the station with Regulus.

* * *

**"Said your tearful goodbyes to Snape?"** Sirius quipped, staring over his shoulder at Remus as he waited for a train home.

**"Always so bittersweet,"** Regulus commented, pointing out their suit clad chauffeur, **"There's Algernon."** Algernon Braddock had worked with their father at the Ministry for years. Now that he had retired, he had agreed to drive his sons because he was the only man their father trusted with their safety. He had driven them to and from events in which it was inappropriate to travel by magic since they were toddlers. He was a well spoken, well built old man with a stern face and a gentle demeanour.

**"You've gotten taller Reg,"** Algernon noted as Regulus helped him haul theirs trunks in to the boot. **"And you're still getting into trouble, lad. Orion won't be best pleased."** Algernon got back in to the car. Sirius stopped his brother from opening the passenger door. He took him by the hand and dragged him away with a smile. **"Master Black!"** Algernon jumped out of the car and stood dangling a heavy leather wallet. He threw it to Sirius with a wink and a wave and instructions to be back at the car before it got dark.

* * *

Sirius and Regulus wandered the streets of London together, browsing clothes and record stores. Regulus stared at a punk in Camden, Sirius brawled and then bonded with him over a pint and leather jackets, they got Chinese food and donuts and ate them together lying on the backs in Regent's park. **"Are you ever going to explain what madness took hold of you last night?"** Regulus asked, staring down at his brother with a curious expression. He had never been able to figure him out. The older he got, the less Regulus could decipher.

**"Never."** He opened a new pack of cigarettes and slipped out a pair, lighting one with the other and handing it to his brother. **"That's what being the life of the party is all about."** Regulus had only ever smoked with Sirius. It was becoming something of a tradition.

**"It _was_ a good party...but thank fuck for summer because I'm sick of the sight of some of those bastards."** Sirius took a long, nodding drag on his cigarette and smirked at his little brother, watching a young family play with their young son across the grass.

**"You've got one hell of a dirty mouth."**

**"I inherited it,"** Regulus replied, looking sideways at him with an identical smirk. The toddler from across the way, raced over, only to fall down before them. His father jumped up, gathered him into his arms, dusted him off and hushed his tears. Sirius stubbed out his cigarette and pocketed the butt, looking up at the dimming sky and wondering when his father had decided that instead of dusting his son off, he ought to kick him when he was down. Regulus did not need to see his brother's glossy eyes to know that he was upset. **"Please try not to make him mad, Sirius-"**

**"Nothing changes... but brother know this."** Sirius said as he pulled him to his feet. Regulus finished his cigarette with one long drag and nodded. **"There is always a way out. The only person whose opinion ought to matter to you is yours. You just have to go your own way."**

**"Is that Fleetwood Mac?"**

**"It's Sirius Black."**


	18. Unfortunate Events

_**A/N**: In reply to the wonderfuly Hungarian reader and their review: Many factors feed into James's Playboy nature including his lack of siblings, his constant need for validation, his fear of boring others and possibly the fact that the one girl he wants doesn't want him. As for their underage drinking and smoking, my reasoning was that it was an English boarding school in the 70's. By the sounds of our parents all people did in the 70's was drink, do drugs and smoke so I've done my research. Sirius is just doing his best to be a bad kid. Oh and the Hogwarts professors are only so liberal because everything occurs within the final days of term and punishing them would be pointless. Hope this clears things up and thanks for reading!_

* * *

The moment the car pulled up outside of 12 Grimmauld Place, Sirius seemed to visibly shrivel. He trailed off from whatever animated story he had been telling and shrank down the leather upholstery with a sigh. **"Home, sweet, home,"** Algernon sighed as he opened Regulus's side door. He stared across at his stalling brother overcome by the urge to grip his hand. He shifted away across the seats, slipping out of the car and straightening up. When Regulus got out of the car himself it was to see Sirius hiding his face from their mother, where she was standing on the top step wrapped in a silk night gown. **"Why the delay Al?"** she asked, arms crossed against the evening chill.

** "Traffic,"** he explained vaguely as he dragged both of their cases out of the car boot and on to the pavement. Regulus smiled gratefully at him as he pulled their cases up the steps and into the front landing.

**"_Indeed_,"** was his mother's scathing reply as he passed her in the doorway. **"I've had dinner on the table-"**

**"_Indeed_,"** Sirius muttered as he shook hands with Algernon and said a brief goodbye.

** "Good grief darling!"** His mother cried as he came in to light of the lanterns hanging over the doormat. **"What has happened to your lovely face?"** She reached for his chin but he shrugged her off stepping past her into the house.

** "A series of unfortunate events,"** Sirius muttered bluntly. Regulus came through the front door closing it behind him with a dreaded sense of finality. He knew it was simply a matter of time before he was shrouded in his own guilt and confronted by the reality of what a terrible coward he was. He'd have preferred a dozen History of Magic homework assignments to another summer like the one before. Ever since Sirius's sorting it had become a time of routine and resentment.

** "Will I ever get a straight answer out of you?" **his mother begged Sirius, trailing them both through the entrance hall. **"You're barely through the front door and already laying on the sarcasm."**

** "He just had a fight or two mother,"** Regulus admitted. **"You should see the other guys."** Sirius smiled over his shoulder at him.

** "Honestly, Sirius-"**

** "Get in here, _now_-the pair of you!"**

* * *

Their father's booming voice filled the hallway and all three stopped in their tracks. Their mother took their coats with a warm smile. She attempted to stroke a hand through Sirius's windswept hair. He backed away and into their father's study. Their mother gave Regulus a soft kiss on the cheek and he begrudgingly followed his brother. Their father was sitting in his armchair by the fire, clutching a half empty whiskey glass and smoking a cigar. **"Why are you late?"** Sirius lingered by the bookcase, which hid the entrance to their secret childhood hideaway, fiddling with a fraying ribbon marker, his back to the room.

** "Hello Father..."** Regulus began nervously. **"We just stopped for some food..." **Their father put down his whiskey glass, staring at Sirius's turned back. **"It's good to see you."**

** "You too boy."** Sirius turned around, stuffing his hands in to his pockets with a face that made it evident that he was holding his tongue. Sirius's had inherited his air of mystery and often unreadable expression from their father. **"If only I could say the same of you Sirius."** He stubbed out his cigar on an empty plate and drew closer to inspect Sirius's face. Sirius stood tall and firm, staring their father down. **"It's as though you're intent on dragging every little thing I give you through the mud."**

** "It'll wash clean-"**Regulus rarely saw his brother and father in such close proximity. He was holding his breath. Their father released Sirius's face and dropped his hands to his sides.

** "I don't recall giving you permission to speak-"**

** "I don't recall _asking_ for it."** Regulus took a step backwards out of habit, catching his breath.

** "Regulus, go and unpack."** He moved toward Sirius staring pleadingly at their father.

** "But-"**

** "I will not tell you again."** Their father refused to meet Regulus's gaze and so did Sirius. Regulus unwillingly left the study, closing the door, wishing that they had never left Regent's Park.

* * *

Sirius braced himself as the door closed with an audible click. Regulus was young and innocent. There was nothing for him to see in the study. Their father paced before him. He had so on so many occasions that the rug was now threadbare in places. **"No member of this household shall be forced to endure an entire summer of your smart mouth. Whilst under my roof you will speak when spoken to, you will not answer back and you will do as I say. Is that understood?"** Sirius was assaulted by images of; Remus calling him 'pathetic'; Lily on her knees; swollen hands; hair on fire; Adriana Sisken calling him a 'bastard'; stepping on a dog carving; Remus shutting his shower curtain; being beaten to a pulp by James and Peter; bruised mouths; trophies trembling in their cases; amber eyes and scarred hands; and a lit pair of cigarettes. **_"Is that understood?"_**

** "If you wanted that...you should have just gotten two more _fucking_ house elves-"**His father raised a hand slapping him hard across the face. Sirius usually did his best not to react but his face was already tender and he could not stop his eyes from welling up.

**_ "Watch your mouth,"_** his father warned, slightly perturbed by his tears. **"House elves certainly would have been less trouble and much more grateful." **He lowered his open hand into a curled fist, standing tense and hunched, glowering over Sirius. **"I want you to tell me what happened to your face and I don't want any clever remarks."** Sirius looked up at him, holding his face and remembering times when he had read him bedtime stories.

**"I got in to a fight because I was raging _drunk_ on alcohol I _stole_ and I made out with my friend's _girlfriend_ and then I kissed my best friend's _crush_ because _you_ told me that I ought to take _whatever_ I wanted _whenever_ I wanted. I kissed _everyone_ because Black's are superior and a face like this needs sharing. I've kissed three _men_ in the last twenty four hours-"**His father raised his fist to strike him, reconsidered it when Sirius refused to flinch and lowered it. Sirius smirked and shook his head.

**"That's enough! Hold out your hands!"** Sirius righted himself blinking as his father removed his belt and halved it between his hands. He raised his arms, palms held vulnerable and aloft. His record was thirteen lashings but he only received seven before he fell to his knees. **"No more shall you sully my legacy..." **His father vowed as he threw away his belt and sank back down into his armchair, relighting his cigar. **"You'll be lucky if I allow you back to that school. You clearly no longer have any friends to miss you."** Sirius pushed himself into a standing position and shoved his stinging hands into his pockets. His father ushered him out of the room with a wave of the hand like he was a bothersome fly.

** "You'd be surprised the kinds of bad things people can forgive-"**

** "Go up to your room and unpack,"** he instructed. **"I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth and I don't want to see you either."** Sirius left the study, sure that the feeling was utterly mutual.

* * *

He stepped out into the empty hallway, unable to tense his hands. He could still feel Regulus standing outside the study door, breathing hard and flinching with every crack of the belt strap. He managed to pull his case up three steps before it slipped from his grip and went crashing noisily into the troll leg umbrella stand. **"Bollocks,"** Sirius mumbled under his breath, eyeing the study door but his father did not show himself. Kreacher left the dining room with an inquisitive expression. **"Fuck off Kreacher."** He considered him, turning slowly on the spot.

** "By all means master Black,"** he said, levitating his case to the first floor landing and then disapparating.

** "Let me help you-"**Regulus had appeared above him on the first floor.

** "Don't bother-"**Sirius rushed up the stairs to stop him from picking up his case. Regulus took his raw hands away.

** "Be reasonable." **Sirius drew his hands out of his brother's grip, stuffing them in to his pockets again. He allowed Regulus to take his case up the three sets of stairs to his bedroom on the fourth floor. Back within the four walls of his childhood sanctuary, Sirius fell back into the comforting covers of his four poster bed. Regulus leaned the case against the far wall, dropped his bag by the bed and sat down cross legged on rug. **"You said you wouldn't make him mad-"**

** "I said I'd _'try'_ okay?"** Sirius corrected him from his position on the bed, **"And for the record I lie and I cheat and I steal. Has it not sunk in to your thick skull what a piece of _shit_ I am yet?"** Regulus was silenced and Sirius guiltily ran a hand over his hair.

** "What's this?"** Regulus had picked the record Remus had given Sirius on the train from out of his backpack. He turned it over in his hands, looking at the cover art, unfamiliar with the muggle musician named there. Sirius smiled and pointed at the record player which lived on the window-seat.

** "Put it on."** Regulus removed the record from its sleeve with careful hands and set it down on the player, turning it on and replacing the needle. He sat back down the rug, closing his eyes as Sirius absentmindedly fiddled again with his hair. The soft, soothing voice of a singer who was taken in his prime by hatred simply for the colour of his skin, filled the room, telling them both 'it's all right'. In that moment, with Regulus cross legged on the rug and Sirius lying in bed listening to records, both felt like children again, before house colours had come between them and their father had always wished them sweet dreams. **"We should get the tent out tonight."**

_**A/N:** Apologies this chapter is so short but writing any more felt like ruining the natural ending I'd come to here. Hope you like it._


	19. Keeper of Secrets

_Red,_

_Consider yourself invited to a party at my place this weekend. Please come and give me the pleasure of counting your freckles. As for this single yearly kiss deal, does it rule out kisses places other than your mouth? I say this in a pure, romantic way like the heartthrobs in black and white movies with their forehead kisses and dancing in the rain._

_J_

* * *

_Remus,_

_Firstly, may I express my eternal sympathies that you had to ride all the way home with the most pompous prat in the universe. Then again, I suppose sitting beside a handsome devil with a penchant for shower kissing kept the balance. I wish I was sorry for being such a terrible rat but I'm far too pleased with myself. You're the two best people I know and it only makes sense that you're made for each other._

_Secondly, I just received a letter from James inviting me to a party but for all I know it could just be another party in his 'pants' so I thought best to check that you were also attending. I know from stories overheard that when it comes James's pants two is company and threes a crowd._

_Love Lily x_

_Lily,_

_I didn't actually have to suffer James's 'huge head' for long as he was missing in action for most of the duration of our return trip. One can only imagine the sins he was hastily checking from his list. Speaking of which, Sirius mentioned that James said he kissed you at the 'Remember When' but he did sustain quite a serious head injury that night so who can say for sure. _

_Foolish though you may be in affairs of your own heart, you are a terribly smug and covert matchmaker. Time will tell if you are an expert in your field. If Sirius's dating record is anything to go by, I don't have long left before he dumps me for better looking stock. However if what you say is true, I can take comfort in the thought that there will always be a place for me in James's pants. As you know opposites attract and unlike you, James is quite the keeper of secrets. He's been planning a surprise party for Peter for the better half of a month. His father is going to drive him out to James's place the morning of the 24th for camping at the back of his house, campfire stories, mischief, presents and cake. As far as I know there'll be James, Sirius and I as well as Mary, Marlene, Olivia and Dorcas. I better see you there because I don't think I could withstand a whole day of being pulled between Sirius and Dorcas like a ragdoll._

_Yours Remus._

* * *

_Sirius,_

_Brother, the bandages are off and the bets are on! Are you ready for a party we shall tell our children about? _

_(And by 'we' I obviously mean me and Lily. I love you deeply but I just don't swing that way. I apologise to the male population as a whole but I cater only to girls, especially the sarcastic redheaded kind.)_

_J_

_James,_

_I am hurt and appalled. I have been dating all of these girls in the hopes of getting your attention. Does this mean Lily has agreed to go to the party? You should have clarified that it wasn't in your pants. She never did fall for that one. She's just smarter than the others. Also I don't think I'll be playing much guitar. I caught my hands in a door. Peter shall have to put up with your subpar strumming. We'll still have him naked in the lake by the end of the night._

_Sirius_

* * *

_Remus,_

_It's intolerable how much I miss someone I've spent the better half of four years with. I hope you're finding home more hospitable than I am. Father had his belt in hand before I'd managed to unpack. Then I listened to the record you gave me with Regulus and all my worries floated away. We took out our old tent and camped out in the taxidermy room I showed you when we were twelve. I kind of like the idea that after I die father might stuff me too and he'll never be able to step foot in that room again but Regulus will still be able to listen to records curled up next to me. Please tell me that you're going to this party this weekend. I really don't want to drink but if you're not going to be there I'll have to drown my sorrows and then myself._

_Sirius_

_Sirius,_

_If that somebody is me the feeling is mutual, if it happens to be James I do not miss his snoring. Your father is a brute. One day he shall pay for how often he has taken you for granted but you must continue to rise above it. I'm glad the record has a comforting affect on you in my absence. With father out of the country I've taken up all the chores as a distraction. It's nice to see all the animals again, who so rarely change with the passing of time and always seem so happy to see me. Caring for them comes with this uplifting sense of satisfaction. Somehow I don't feel completely abandoned on the farm. At least I have my guard dog to keep watch. You'll definitely see me at Peter's party. Spare the bottle. Drinking does you no good. I prefer you sober and unstuffed and alive._

_Remus_

* * *

_James,_

_I hate it here. The only thing worse than my mum being sad at this time of year is when she pretends to be happy to make me feel better. I went in to her studio and all of our baby pictures fell out of her desk. Dad won't even tell me what we're doing for my birthday. I just don't want to go to the cemetery. Paul's not going to notice if I'm not there. Rescue me?_

_Peter_

_Pete,_

_My cape is at the dry cleaners. I'm really sorry mate. You know I'd fire up the Batmobile if only I could legally drive. Rest in the knowledge that I'll be miserable on your birthday, at the prospect of an opportunity missed to eat cake until I ache. Your parents will have something planned. At least they're good to you- Sirius told me in his last letter that he trapped his hands in a door. I don't know why he bothers. Missing you like Bruce Wayne misses his parents!_

_J_


	20. Always Welcome

**_A/N:_**_ First things first apologies for this chapter having taken so long. More importantly, I've edited a few details/names in earlier chapters to eliminate the Gryffindor OFC's, __**replacing 'Miriam' with Mary Macdonald & adding Marlene Mckinnon. Remus's date, 'Paloma' is now studious Ravenclaw, Dorcas Meadowes.**_

_Our new Gryffindors are soft spoken, blonde, baby face Mary & feisty, athletic Marlene who has lived next to James since birth & would rather have a hot curling iron put up her puckered behind than go on a date with him._

_ I think that's everything. If there's any inconsistencies please alert me in a review or PM! Thanks for reading & especially if you have stuck with me this far! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas & have a happy New Year._

The morning of July 24th James slept late, waking up to breakfast in bed from their house elf Maru and his father strolling up the lawn back towards the house. James dashed to throw open his patio doors and stepped out on to the balcony, leaning over the stone edge to wave. **"Rise and shine, chief!"** his father shouted. He was carrying a series of empty bags and their St Bernard Godric bounded along beside him slobbering and barking up at James. **"Your tents are up. I'm expected at work and your mother's on a late shift but she'll be popping in to check on you later-"**James rolled his eyes with a sigh. **"No complaints. Just try not to set anything on fire this time."**

**"That wasn't even me! It was Kal-"**

**"Shifting the blame on to ****_a little girl_****-have you no moral fibre?"** His father continued on inside smirking. James jumped down off the ledge stuffing toast in to his mouth. He traced a hand over a thumb shaped bruise on his inner thigh and mumbled 'no' with a deviant smirk.

* * *

By the time James had showered, gotten dressed and forced his hair into obedience, a ministry car was pulling up in the front driveway. James rushed out of the front door and stood waiting to greet his guests. Peter had barely stepped foot out of the car before he was being enveloped in a bear hug by James. Peter's father nodded past them gratefully to James's father. He was standing in the doorway beside his house elf Maru. He walked down the porch to shake hands. **"Thanks Charles. You really didn't have to go to such-"**

**"Of course I did Parker,"** James's father explained with a genial smile**, "These boys are practically brothers, which is a blessing really as James is too much trouble to be getting any from his mother and me."**

**"Never say never, darling."** James's mother, Beatrice stepped out of the front door, twisting her red hair back in to a chignon. She was tall and buxom in a grey and purple nurse's uniform with a smile which put everyone she met instantly at ease.

**"That's disgusting!"** James stepped away from Peter with his hands over his ears. **"Please ****_stop_**** talking."** His parents kissed and joined hands. James pretended to vomit. Beatrice pulled him in to her arms, holding him as he fidgeted and kissing his cheek, leaving a red lipstick imprint.

**"Do you need a ride back to the station Parker?"** Beatrice asked Peter's father politely. **"We're both off to work but we can drop you-"**

**"Oh you've done enough. I'll apparate but thank you,"** Parker sheepishly declined watching as James winked at Peter, suggestively licking his lips, **"But are you sure it's alright to leave them all on their own?"**

**"I'll be back at eight. Barely gone long enough for them to get comfortable,"** Beatrice assured him kissing his cheek with a smile. **"And Maru shall keep a keen eye."** Beatrice smiled at Maru and she bowed her head. Peter's father nodded and took his son aside.

**"Now you enjoy yourself and know that we love you,"** he said quietly with an arm around his shoulders. Peter leaned in to his father with a smile and then threw his arms around his neck.

**"Don't let mum get too sad,"** he said as his father pulled away, **"Or try to burn down the tree house again."** His father laughed, tipped his hat and apparated.

* * *

Moments later as Beatrice was picking at her son's shirt, Remus and his father apparated on to the spot where Peter's father had just been. Remus was clutching a small perfectly wrapped gift. His father John righted his stumbling son and stepped forward to shake hands with Charles. The pair was well acquainted as Ministry employees in dangerous professions and shared a brief one armed hug. **"Beautiful as always, Beatrice," **John said kindly as James's mother reached up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

**"I certainly hope my coma patient thinks so,"** she quipped, dragging a smile out of John. She had known both of Remus's parents at school but had never quite gotten to know John as much as she would have liked and he had only become more private after his wife was killed and Remus bitten. Regardless she felt a great sense of maternal affection towards them both and often sent over care packages overflowing with home cooked goods if she heard that either were having a particularly hard time.

**"Take care, son."** John leaned down to kiss Remus's head and then apparated. **"Charles, Bea."** James's mother watched him go with a sad smile and her husband gripped her hand.

* * *

The girl's arrived together by port key arranged by Marlene's father. All were wearing nice dresses and clutching overnight bags and a gift each. Lily was wearing James's hunting jacket. Charles and Beatrice hugged Marlene like she was their daughter, telling her sincerely how much they had missed her. Lily had never met James's parents before and greeted both with a nervous smile and a formal handshake. **"So you're the one causing my boy's sleepless nights," **Charles said with a smile. Lily blushed and smiled wryly at James as she sat down beside Remus on the porch. Dorcas squeezed in on his other side, brushing his hand. Mary remained standing awkwardly by James's father. Olivia threw her arms around Peter, disentangling herself with flushed cheeks when she noticed James's mother's smiling at them. Marlene stood by James poking fun at his hair which seemed to be taking full advantage of its freedom after being restrained under tight bandages.

* * *

Sirius was the very last to appear on the driveway. James's parents toed the line of tardiness, wanting to see each of them arrive safely. He was chaperoned by his house elf Kreacher who disapparated almost the moment his bare feet hit the gravel. Sirius looked tired in all black with a backpack, fading bruises and a genuine smile as he pulled Peter in to a hug. **"Happy Birthday, you old fart,"** he said jovially and the girls laughed. When James's father approached Sirius he was reluctant to shake his hand and did so with a grimace.

**"We've missed having-"**He let go of Sirius's hand and James's mother Beatrice stepped forwards taking his hand gently in hers. She wrapped her other arm around his waist and turned them away from the others so it looked like she was hugging him.

**"I caught them in a door..."** Sirius explained. She traced light fingers over his cut palms with a frown and leaned her head against his. She kissed his palm and curled his fingers in, patting his knuckles with a kiss on his cheek.

**"There's some double strength healing paste in my bathroom,"** she whispered, stroking a hand down the side of Sirius's bowed head. **"You are ****_always_**** welcome. I'm counting on you to keep James in check."** Sirius smiled and Beatrice rejoined her husband, stepping down the porch and getting into their waiting car. **"And James if you must set something on fire, try the awful drapes in the study that your father picked out, won't you-"**

**"For the last time, it was Kal-"**His mother blew them all a kiss and slammed the car door behind her.

* * *

In the four years she had known him, Lily had observed a variety of James Potter's facial expressions. Many of them seemed specifically formulated to get a reaction out of her; be it irritation, disgust or humiliation and though she would never admit it there was also a single expression which made her weak at the knees (a cocky half smirk which he substituted for something smart to say). However none of those worried her half as much as the one he wore after watching his parents drive away from their empty house. She just knew it meant trouble. **"I take it you weren't one of those children with abandonment issues?"** Lily asked as James turned to them all grinning ear to ear.

**"Hey! Seeing them leave me makes me ****_very_**** emotional," **he insisted, batting off Marlene as she reached for his messy hair, **"That emotion just happens to be joy!"** Dorcas giggled at Remus's side and he met eyes with Sirius as he stuffed his hands inside his pockets with a smirk. James put an arm around Mary. **"First things first; Guests: Maru. Maru: guests."** His button nosed house elf brightened, beaming up at them all with impossibly large yellow eyes and a nod. **"You guys can leave your bags and coats with Maru and I'll give you a tour of the house before festivities begin."**

* * *

No matter how often Lily was assured that house elves enjoyed their duties, she felt more than a little guilty about leaving tiny Maru with their mountain of overnight bags and gifts. As she was shown around James's house, with its veranda, entrance foyer, vaulted ceilings, tall windows, double parlour doors, dark varnished floors, chandeliers, formal dining room, sunroom, 18 acres of wooded land and a lake, she understood James Potter in a way she never had before. It wasn't hard to imagine him rolling around the den feeling trapped; zigzagging between trees wishing he had someone to play quidditch with or tiptoeing about a house overflowing with heirlooms and expensive trinkets careful not to break anything in his parent's absence. When she thought about how hard it must have been for a small boy to know that his father might not come home from work because there were people out there who wanted him dead, James's bravado made sense. The expanse of the stacked library was probably a turning point but for the first time Lily saw through the privileged, arrogant, spoilt brat to the lonely, insecure James Potter below and she liked him.

* * *

Sirius had silently slipped away from the group as James gave his tour of the house and Remus found him again in the master bedroom's en suite bathroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub struggling with the top of a tub of healing paste which he dropped when he caught sight of Remus in the mirror. **"Shit! I thought you were-"**

**"James? He may be gullible enough to believe that Lily will one day date him but even he isn't fooled by your door story,"** Remus explained, retrieving the fallen healing paste and crouching down before Sirius on the soft rug.

**"He's probably giving Lily a VIP tour of his bedroom right now and inviting her to move in,"** Sirius replied as Remus twisted the lid from the healing paste, **"Assuming of course that dear Maru has disposed of James's 'happy tissues' and hidden the Lily shrine he's been amassing since she threw up on Bertram at our Sorting Feast."** Remus fondly recalled the event with a low but forced chuckle. He wanted to tell Sirius that there was no need to lie to James-that he understood but he knew that Sirius felt damaged around his friend's families. He had elevated their fathers on high transcendent pedestals leaving his own cowered at their bases, clutching his belt and decanters filled with scotch.

* * *

**"I'll be needing your hands,"** Remus instructed softly and Sirius considered him on his knees, eyeing the unlocked bathroom door with a smirk, **"****_before_**** they come looking for us."** Sirius pulled his hands out of his pockets and unwillingly turned them over. Both palms were lined with raised purple welts and thin red cuts which had bled and scabbed. Unlike James's father Remus did not gasp. He had inflicted worse injuries upon himself every month for the last seven years and couldn't be shocked by the simple marks left by a belt. Not that this stopped him from being upset. The way he gulped told Sirius that Remus was swallowing insults he longed to voice. **"You know the first thing my father said to me when he got home?"** Sirius shook his head trying not to flinch as Remus applied pressure to his hands. **"That I seemed different ****_somehow_****-"**Sirius jolted as Remus touched the part of his palm which was most inflamed, almost falling into the bathtub. Remus's amber eyes welled up as he tentatively massaged the paste into the rest of his injured palms. Sirius couldn't help but kiss him. Remus got to his feet quickly, replacing the healing paste and hastily wiping his eyes. **"Does your father know? I can only assume that's why-"**

**"No, "**Sirius assured him, jumping to his feet, clenching and unclenching his soothed hands, **"He heard about 'Remember When'. He doesn't approve of me making a spectacle out of myself."** Sirius draped an arm around Remus's chest, pulling him into a hug with his head resting on his shoulder. Remus reached a hand up to grip his, staring at their reflections in the mirror.

**"But Sirius, you were born a spectacle."**

* * *

Peter and James shared a glance but hadn't said a word when Sirius had disappeared upstairs and Remus had followed. Peter knew that neither he nor James was equipped to offer comfort unaffected by their feelings. Peter simply struggled to understand Sirius's father. His own father had never so much as raised his voice to him and Remus's had nursed his son back to health after too many full moons to think about hurting him. Peter knew that like James's father Sirius's was traditional and strict and that he disapproved of how much James's disregard for the rules had rubbed off on his eldest son but it still seemed unreasonable to harm him. It was like burgling your own house. Peter often felt he ought to say something but he didn't want to embarrass Sirius so he sat in silence and tried not to stare at his hands.

**"What's that about?"** Marlene had also watched Sirius go. She leaned over the back of the sofa with her head on James's shoulder. **"What really happened to his hands?"**

**"I couldn't say,"** James shrugged her off and got to his feet, crossing the room to sit beside Lily. **"I didn't think you'd come."**

**"I came for Peter,"** she said, pulling him down to sit beside her and kissing his head. **"And you could never fit ****_this_**** many people inside your pants."** James jumped up, mouth open in mock offense, pointing at his crotch. Marlene looked on shaking her head, whilst Mary and Dorcas giggled and Lily covered her eyes.

**"I'll have you know that it's ****_very_**** spacious in there on account of my ****_massive_****-"**Sirius reappeared with his hands stuffed into his pockets. Remus trailed in behind. Lily raised an eyebrow at them; Sirius smirked and Remus coughed and hid behind his hair. Dorcas waved at him but he didn't notice. Marlene gripped her hand and stuck a tongue out at James. He dragged Peter to his feet and removed the camera from around his neck. **"Time to move on out troops. Somebody blindfold the birthday boy."** He threw a Gryffindor tie at Olivia who caught it with a smile, blindfolding Peter with a kiss before he could protest. James offered Lily the camera. **"You have a much better eye-a much better everything really,"** he sighed. Lily rolled her eyes and snatched the camera from James. She turned on the spot snapping a photo of blindfolded Peter with Olivia on his arm, Dorcas, Mary and Marlene sitting practically in each other's laps and Remus and Sirius standing sheepishly by the far wall. James led them in a long line down the back lawn and through the forest into a clearing which opened out onto the lake. Sitting before it was a large blue tent adorned with fairy lights and a banner which read 'Camp Peter'. It wasn't Lily's birthday and it took her breath away. She had never thought of James as the kind of guy who would go to so much effort for his friends. He would pass it off as his mother's idea but for the nervous smile on his face Lily knew better.

* * *

Olivia removed Peter's blindfold and he stared breathlessly at the tent and then at James shaking his head. Sirius clapped his blushing best friend on the back. Everything about him reeked of extravagance but he had never apologised for it. James had shown up at Hogwarts wearing his father's vintage Gryffindor sweater under his robes so sure of where he belonged and thinking he knew it all; only to cheer and befriend Slytherin spawn, a werewolf and a comic book nerd and earn hours of detention for hours of skipping class, wandering out of bounds discovering secret parts of the castle together. James took down a camouflage backpack which was hung up by the entrance of the tent. He removed an armful of khaki garrison side caps from the bag, reading the names which had been stitched into each one before handing them out. **"Peter." **

**"You're crazy," **he said as he took the cap from James with a disbelieving smile and slipped it on to his head. It was no secret that James considered his friends as his own private army. With a war which none of them could ignore quietly brewing in the papers, the hats were a symbol for something greater than Marauder loyalty; a symbol Sirius was happy to wear.

**"I had a bad experience with party hats once. Lily?"**

**"Must be that massive head of yours,"** Lily remarked as he threw her cap at her with a snort.

**"You're lucky green is your colour,"** he sighed returning to the caps in his arms and putting on his own, **"Remus?"** Remus caught his cap with a smile. **"Dorcas?"** Dorcas was caught out staring at Remus and fumbled for hers, dropping it. It had landed at Sirius's feet but he pretended he hadn't seen and Remus was forced to retrieve it for her with an awkward smile.

* * *

The last of the caps were handed out and James finally allowed Peter inside the tent. It was strung in Gryffindor coloured bunting, a heater was wrapped around the central beam, and the snooker table had been brought in from the den and was surrounded by nine folding chairs. Two separate mini-tents led off the central area, lined with sleeping bags, pillows and blankets, one presumably for the girls and the other for the boys and a small flap at the back of the tent transported them to the house's first floor toilet. A folding table by the wall of the tent was laid with bowls of marshmallows and junk food, bottles of water and pumpkin juice and a crate of butterbeer to be shared between them. Beneath the table was a kettle, a stove, water pistols, magical compasses, oil lamps and a tin of glow-in-the-dark chalk. Peter was astounded by his own restraint when he didn't cry. He'd been feeling fragile since the moment they'd left Hogwarts and back in his own room which still felt too big it had been almost too much to bear. His parent's affection had felt concentrated and suffocating. After an entire year of ignoring it Peter's birthday was the one day his parents had to confront the fact that he hadn't come into the world alone. It was also one of the first few days Peter was forced to endure without his merry band of brothers. Yet even now surrounded by them as they lounged around him in canvas chairs, Peter could not rid from his mind thoughts of camping out in a tree-house with Paul.

* * *

James lowered his pillow to stare at Peter as he slipped quietly out of the tent and took a forceful pillow to the face. Olivia was too busy giggling with Marlene to notice and Remus took the opportunity to follow his friend and escape Dorcas. Remus sat down beside Peter at the edge of the lake, offering him a handkerchief. **"Thanks,"** Peter sniffed, rubbing his face roughly.

**"James can't help-"**

**"It's the nicest thing anyone has ****_ever_**** done for me,"** Peter explained handing back the handkerchief with a smile. **"It just feels wrong to enjoy it. My birthday still doesn't feel like mine, you know?"**

**"I do." **Remus knew better than most the true meaning of survivor's guilt. The night he'd been bitten his mother had bled to death on their porch. Even now that Remus knew exactly what became of survivors of werewolf attacks, he wished that his mother had outlived him if only so that his father would laugh again.

**"I'm sorry,"** Peter apologised when he noticed the far off look in Remus's eyes. Though the darkness of their past was not something the Marauder's often discussed, Remus knew about Paul and Peter knew about Remus's mother. ** "I didn't mean to-"**Remus shook his head.

**"There isn't a single photo of my mother in our house. My father never mentions her-Mother's Day isn't a day and her birthday is even less," **Remus spoke slowly and softly, **"What I'm trying to say is that grief is so much more bearable when it's shared. All the people in that tent are here for you so I think you should try to enjoy yourself like Paul would have wanted, okay?"**

**"You always know what to say."**


	21. Skeleton Key

Peter smiled so often and so sincerely in the next few hours that his cheeks began to ache. The group played boys against girls snooker (Marlene put up a good fight but was no match for James) and then KAOS (Killing As Organized Sport) with water pistols (which Peter won) before settling down to refuel, passing around junk food and butterbeers and drying off around the heater. James was standing on the threshold of the tent letting the warmth and the hum of voices and low music wash over him. Peter was laughing as Olivia tickled him; Mary was braiding Marlene's damp hair; Remus had just draped a blanket over a sleeping Sirius and sat down beside Lily who was playing cards with Dorcas. Exploding Snap was far from mentally tasking but Lily was losing terribly. She could not concentrate and it wasn't an isolated incident. All week Lily had found herself preoccupied by thoughts of teasing kisses and muscular arms and a body tensing against hers. No matter how often she told herself that the boy was bad news and that any relationship with him was bound to end in tears, the two of them seemed inexplicably drawn to one another.

* * *

Stepping out of the tent for a breath of fresh air, she stumbled across him, lying on his back, smoking a cigarette (which he flicked it into the lake at the sight of her). She shook her head and sat down beside him. He propped himself up on his elbows with a lopsided smile. **"I might have won if it hadn't been for you,"** he remarked snidely. The final three KAOS players had been James, Lily and Peter. Lily had a proven track record of sneaking up on James. It was only when James had tried to kiss her that she had been taken out by Peter, crowning him the victor and leaving James lips puckered, soaked through and rejected.

**"I've come to accept that you'll be the death of me,"** Lily replied and James's mouth pulled upwards into a cocky half smirk. Lily bit her lip, making a mental snapshot of that face. James's words got lost on the way off his tongue. The sun was setting over the lake, he was sitting alone with the girl who frequented his dreams, staring into her eyes, memorizing their colour and he couldn't string a sentence together, too distracted by thoughts of his parents. It was accepted that James had inherited his charm from his mother and his womanizing persona from his father. Yet whenever James had asked his father about love, he had explained that whilst other women may have been more beautiful, more passive, more responsive, perhaps even made him believe that he was happy-he had not known true peace until he had met James's mother, Beatrice. For years James had struggled to understand this and dated as many girls as he could but eventually he had tired of every single one. His heart had grown heavy and seeing them had become a chore. It wasn't because they were unattractive, intimidating, antagonistic or uninteresting. It was because only with Lily did James feel accepted and not only in love with her but who he was when he was with her. For all of his arrogance he had such a low opinion of himself that James knew that was what made her so special.

* * *

No moment spent with Lily felt wasted; even if they were washing each other in ill will or dancing around the prospect of a kiss, James felt transformed. He could have spent his entire life being rejected and still found something more to love about her. **"Then...we'll have to go down together," **James looked away at last, thinking that if his parents were anything to go by, the hearts of Potter men belonged to redheaded women.** "Who could bear to live without you?" **

**"I can think of a few people," **Lily said bowing her head and picking at the grass. James felt a bubble of rage expanding within him. He did not believe in blood status but his allowed him to live comfortably in the sun whilst Lily was constantly under threat. James understood that not every wizard had been raised to believe in equality and unison. However he had read enough books and seen his parents survive enough conflicts to know that true magic occurred when people from different backgrounds united against a common cause. He simply could not agree with anyone who could look at Lily and claim that she was in some way lacking or malformed. James reached for her hand and Lily frowned and shifted away, picking up his empty bottle. **"Once a year, remember?"** James nodded and leaned across her to take the bottle.

**"But surely a game of 'spin the bottle' doesn't count? Surely that's fate?"**

* * *

There was some resistance from Marlene and Remus to James's game but with hidden intentions to play matchmaker he talked them round. Birthday Boy privileges gave Peter the right to the opening spin, which resulted in him kissing Olivia, albeit with some rigging on James's behalf. Olivia's turn had her shyly pecking Mary on the cheek who then much to James's excitement planted a kiss on Marlene. Her wish to kiss Sirius was granted but it was seemingly much briefer and more public than she would have liked. Sirius's spin landed on Remus who had begun to shake his head profusely when James's mother, stepped through the tent flap. James grabbed the empty bottle at the centre of their circle and jumped to his feet, holding it behind his back and smiling serenely at his mother. **"You're home early!"**

**"At ease honey. I'm not here to check up on you." **The lights in the tent cut out suddenly to cursing and panic. Maru appeared holding aloft a large red cake adorned with fifteen gold candles. Peter turned on the spot, covering his face as his friends closed in jovially serenading him. **"Make a wish, darling."**

* * *

Peter blew out his candles and the lights reignited, illuminating his rosy cheeks and crinkled eyes. Maru cut and handed out slices of cake as Peter opened his gifts (endless Zonko's sweets; rare collectible comic books; a blue parka jacket; a belt embossed with his initials; Beatles posters and records and film and lenses for his camera). They danced to his new records as Beatrice took photographs. The slow song saw Remus awkwardly coerced into wrapping an arm around Dorcas and Lily rejecting James for Marlene. He asked for Mary's hand instead and Sirius pulled Beatrice onto her feet. **"I'm not as young as I used to be,"** she said with a yawn.

**"You'd never know it,"** Sirius replied, taking her hand and kissing it.

**"My father will hear about this!"** James shouted. His mother blushed and Mary giggled. As they danced, James tried to listen to Mary but his eyes wandered to Lily.

**"Do you really love her?"** Mary asked bluntly, following his gaze. James was caught off guard.

**"Like you would a sandwich or a pet,"** he scoffed sarcastically, **"If somebody mowed her down, I'd be sad but I'd get another one."**

**"Charming," **Mary remarked with a perceptive glance which gave the impression that she saw straight through his macho bravado. They had dated briefly during third year. After two short weeks James had declared her immature and broken it off. Since then she had dated a few other boys and struggled to show them that she was more than just a shy girl to be taken advantage of. Perturbed by the intensity of her gaze, James spun Mary in a dramatic circle. He drew her in and dipped her with a smile as the song came to an end.

**"Has anybody ever told you how beautiful your eyes are, Mary?"** Mary laughed and jumped out of his embrace. He kissed her hand and she shook her head.

**"You're funny."**

* * *

James's mother thanked Sirius for the dance, advised them not to get into any trouble and bid them all goodnight before removing her shoes and walking barefoot back up to the house with Maru. The boys claimed the right compartment and the girls took the left, drawing the flaps and changing into the pyjamas. **"James, I just want to-"**James waved a hand at Peter.

**"Peter, this is honestly no time to confess that you're having gay feelings,"** he insisted as he pulled on his navy bottoms. Peter cocked his head and rolled his eyes. **"Your girlfriend is ****_next door_**** and I just do not swing that way. Even if I did, no offense, but Remus would definitely by more my type."** James grabbed Remus by the shoulders and he held his shirt tightly to his scarred chest as Sirius muffled a laugh. **"Look at him,"** James demanded, **"He's so brooding and rugged-those eyes!"** Remus blushed and struggled as Peter laughed. **"Who can resist him?"** Remus tried to look anywhere but at Sirius. **"Not a certain Ravenclaw, huh?"**

**"****_Would you be quiet_****?"** Remus snapped, pushing James down onto one of the camp beds.

**"And Sirius, what about Marlene?"** James asked and Sirius shook his head. **"I am expecting ****_long_**** dedications in both of your wedding speeches."** Remus eyed the zipped flap door of their tent compartment warily, worried that the girls might overhear.

**"She is beautiful and down to earth,"** Sirius explained quietly, **"But she's not my type...and we all know she's clearly in love with you." **James threw his head back laughing.

**"It's so clear I just keep walking into it head first!" **he chuckled, **"We're destined to make gorgeous, brunette, muscular babies who just fly straight out of the womb on brooms."** Sirius sniggered and Peter threw a pillow at him to quiet his raucous laughter. Now in his pyjamas, Sirius sank onto the camp bed beside his best friend.

**"I don't suppose you've cashed your yearly kiss early?"** he asked and James stood up and paced dramatically, placing his hands on his hips.

**"Do I strike you as a fool?"** he asked and Remus snorted.

**"On numerous occasions, daily,"** Sirius replied, as Remus sat down beside him.

**"By the hour,"** Peter chipped in.

**"Sometimes by the minute,"** Remus finished and James dropped his arms to his sides with a defeated sigh.

**"I know how to budget okay?"** he insisted. Remus, Sirius and Peter looked at one another and then around at the tent before bursting out laughing.

* * *

James unzipped their compartment and stepped out into the central area with a smile at the girls who were sitting together by the heater. Dorcas and Mary were wearing ankle length night gowns whilst Olivia was wearing a blue shirt with puff sleeves and shorts. Marlene was wearing baggy button up pyjamas like the boys but James saw only Lily in her short ruffled nightdress with socks pulled up over the knees. ** "Your mother's ****_lovely_****,"** Dorcas gushed, breaking the awkward silence. James dragged his eyes from Lily, nodding smugly.

**"Where did you think I got it from?"**he asked, throwing his arms out and moving his eyebrows up and down in a way which made Olivia laugh.

**"There are rumours that you stole it,"** Marlene drawled smartly to nods of agreement from Lily, "**Or that there was a mix up and your parents picked up the wrong baby at the hospital!"**

**"Very droll!"** James remarked, throwing a shoe across the tent at her. **"It's too early to sleep. May I propose a game of 'hide and seek'?"** Olivia clapped excitedly and Lily met eyes with Marlene, shaking her head, distinctly aware that it was no doubt another scheme to get her alone. James passed out the oil lamps, magical compasses and glow in the dark chalks.

**"But who's going to be the seeker?"** Mary enquired politely and all eyes jumped to James.

**"Naturally it ought to be me,"** he declared, **"But how about it Sirius?"** Sirius gave a series of self-effacing nods.

**"I must confess to being a champion at seeking hiders,"** Sirius said proudly, turning his back to them all and raising his arm to cover his eyes. **"I'm giving you three minutes and then I'm coming to uncover you, ****_one by one_****. Go!"** The girls left the tent together giggling arm in arm. Peter was dragged outside by Olivia no doubt to kiss in private. Remus slid out of the tent alone and disappeared quietly into the darkness. James ducked into their compartment and reappeared with his Invisibility cloak, smirking cleverly at Sirius's turned back.

* * *

When he was sure the coast was clear Remus stepped back inside the tent. Sirius uncovered his eyes with a smile. **"I'm not very good at this game,"** Remus mumbled coyly. Sirius wasted no time. He pushed him into the boy's compartment and zipped the flap shut. He had wanted to kiss him again since 'spin the bottle' and if there was anything Sirius lacked, it was restraint. He launched himself upon Remus, lowering his lips onto his delicate smiling ones. When Sirius had rushed into Remus's shower cubicle it had been like a scene stolen from one of his secret dreams and only Sirius's kisses had been grounded in reality. Remus had seen Sirius kiss before and he was never gentle. He was always sweeping girls off their feet with dramatic, rebellious, machismo which left them staggering and breathless but with him, Sirius's kiss was not self assured. It was slow, gentle and timid, like he was caressing something he knew he could not keep but that he desperately wanted to. He savoured every brush of skin and it was painfully endearing to Remus who harboured deep seated fears of being cast out like a faulty part.

* * *

Sirius's hands were much less timid, pulling at Remus's shirt, running through his hair and pushing him down onto the nearest campbed. Before he could think to protest his shirt was over his head and his scars were on show for the entire world to see. Sirius had seen them so often of course that he only stopped to pull off his own shirt. It was effortless but clumsy, all pale skin on freckled flesh, muffled laughter, hushed moans and lips kissed raw. When Sirius reached for the drawstring of Remus's pyjama bottoms, there was no hesitance; only a mutual trust. Remus's pulse raced and a smile tugging at Sirius's shining mouth. Their relationship had been four years in the fruition and whilst they had been great, formative years, Remus would not waste another on self-doubt. All doubt had cleared and, in that moment, his self-loathing had lifted. He was not a monster. He was cherished.

Sirius had always found joy in pleasuring others. He wanted Remus to be happy and endeavoured to make it his mission for as long as he was living. A month ago he would never have considered being with him in the stifling warmth of his best friend's tent but now it seemed the only way of being. Pressed against his thin body, rapidly beating heart, raised scar tissue and flexing sinew, the din of white noise within Sirius's head faded away. When Remus's breath hitched in his throat and escaped in a low whimper released from previously uncharted depths, Sirius bit his lip and laughed. **"I've always enjoyed being the one to corrupt you."** Remus sat up with a content smirk and flushed cheeks, leaning forward to plant a kiss. Large shadows raced past the outside of the tent and they drew apart. **"Enough hiding for now. Time to go and seek."**

* * *

Lily had run into the trees to hide the light of her oil lamp. She was walking the trail around the lake but she was sure she was being followed. Shadows moved in the trees encircling her, voices hissed and whispered and branches snapped as she stood frozen. **"James?"** she shouted into the darkness, marking another tree with her chalk, **"This ****_isn't_**** funny, you little cheat!"** There was a laugh but it was not James's. Then a voice close to her ear whispered a sinister, breathy 'hello' and a branch fell from above striking her shoulder. Lily bolted, dashing through the trees, only to trip over an exposed root. Her oil lamp crashed to the ground and in the darkness she slipped screaming down a muddy slope. She cursed and sat shaking her head in defeat, wishing that she had not removed her whistle to change. She had left it with her wand back at the tent and had no way of lighting her way through the darkness or alerting the others to her predicament. For close to an hour Lily called out into the darkness but no one appeared. As she was drifting off, James came sliding down the slope, lamp swinging at his side. **"****_You absolute shit_****!"**

**"You're almost as dirty as that mouth of yours**," he said, looking down at Lily's mud caked socks with a laugh.

**"Shut up!"** James carried an unwilling Lily across the cold, wet grass, setting her down at the mossy base of a gigantic tree. **"Were you following me? I should have known this whole thing was a trick."**

**"Puerile, unadulterated fun was my only intention, I assure you,"** James explained as Lily wiped her hands down the front of her nightgown. James set down his oil lamp. It flickered and dimmed and then cut out. Lily let out a long scathing sigh. James reached for her in the darkness, running a hand over her hair. **"It's okay. I'll protect you-"**

**"That's very reassuring,"** Lily sniped, **"I've always wanted to be raped in the woods."**

**"Rape does imply a lack of consent though Red and you want ****_all_**** of this." **Lily did not need to see James's face to know what expression he was pulling and even in the dark he knew she was rolling her eyes.**"Look we may as well wait and sleep it out until sunrise. Get under this cloak with me or you'll freeze to death."**

**"That actually sounds preferable to whatever you've got plan-"**

**"No funny business,"** he promised. **"I'm a man of my word. I swear."** There was no other option. Lily shuffled up beside him, drawing the corner of the cloak over her shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her waist and Lily smiled.

**"You smug bastard,"** she whispered into the silence, **"Buttering me up with a tour of your palatial estate, telling me that I'm always free to rent from your enormous library-"**

**"One kiss per book,"** James repeated matter of fact.

**"Steep,"** Lily replied, **"Hogwarts offers much better value."**

**"Cheapskate,"** James said, **"Now let me warm you up-completely without motive. I swear."**

**"You swear a great deal Potter,"** Lily replied, leaning into his side.

**"You always have to have the last word."**

**"Only...with you..."** she yawned.

**"I wouldn't have it any other way."**

**"Good...night...James..."**

* * *

**"Wow,"** Marlene was the last to stroll back into the warmth of the tent to find the others tucked up in bed. In the boy's compartment Peter was snoring and Remus was lying beside him half hanging from the campbed. Mary was sleeping in the girls' whilst Dorcas was sitting with Sirius. They both looked up at her with tired smiles. **"You could at least pretend to care that Lily's lost in the woods with a sexual deviant."**

**"The lady doth protest too much,"** Sirius remarked, jumping to his feet and rifling through his bag,**" You want his sexual deviance-"**He pulled out his leather jacket and slipped it on over his black pyjamas.

**"That's practically incest-"**

**"A game the whole family can play!"** Sirius declared and Dorcas shook her head.

**"On that disturbing note, I am going to bed,"** she informed them, **"Thanks for the chat Sirius. Goodnight all."** With a final smile at Marlene, Dorcas disappeared into the girl's compartment. After an awkward half hour conversation with Dorcas about Remus's 'feelings' for her, Sirius was no longer in the mood for conversation. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his inside pocket and strolled outside. Marlene remained, pacing and debating whether to follow. She shook her head, went into the girls' compartment and got into bed. She was only there a few minutes before she gathered the courage to tiptoe outside.

**"Mind if I join you?"** she asked and Sirius patted the patch of soft, dry earth beside him. **"I always have a hard time falling asleep outside."** He pulled out a gold flip lighter but struggled to light his cigarette; a sharp breeze extinguishing his flame with every attempt. He raked a hand through his hair, the unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. Marlene leaned in close, raising her hands and cupping them around the tip of his cigarette. His agitation lifted, brown eyes squinting in concentration. His cut brow and black eye had all but healed. The sliver of thin skin below his right eye was now a sour shade of yellow. His split lip was merely swollen. With the flame shielded from the wind his cigarette caught alight with ease. Full lips stretched out into a grateful smile and he winced, pressing a hand to his cheek. He had acquired a new bruise but like his hands Marlene had not felt it was appropriate to ask about it.

* * *

Sirius took a long drag of his cigarette, savouring it with eyes shut before blowing out a trail of smoke in one weary sigh. A comfortable silence encircled them. The surrounding trees rustled in the midnight breeze and Sirius stared into the distance, flexing his hands. He offered Marlene his cigarette. **"Smoke?"** Smoking was far from an exclusively muggle habit but magical tobacco lacked the damaging properties of its muggle counterpart. Neither of Marlene's parents or any of her friends smoked but she understood the reasons Sirius might. He was an enigma protected by pretence.

**"Why not? We're all going to die eventually," **she said with a nod. Sirius chuckled and nodded.

**"Not if we make it into the history books,"** he explained, passing her the cigarette. Marlene stared sideways at him. He always seemed so solidly rooted in the present that she was intrigued by his idea of the future.

**"And how do you plan to do that?"** she enquired casually, returning the cigarette.

**"Pure good looks and sex-appeal."** Marlene hadn't really expected a serious answer.** "No doubt some heart breaking and jail time on the side." ** Whilst attending to James during a nasty bout of food poisoning when he was 13, he had feverishly confessing that if he'd had a sister he'd have been disappointed if she was nothing like Marlene and that was as close as they had ever come to a heart to heart but they had known each other their entire lives. Sirius may have gone to the same school, been in the same house, inhabited the same common room and played with Marlene on the same quidditch team but he was infamously distant and guarded. Lily was the only girl who had dated him and gone on to remain firm friends. Ever since, the beginning of second year when Sirius had 'cheated' on Lily by kissing Marlene, she had longed to break down Sirius Black's barriers the way Lily had but her friend refused to share her skeleton key.

* * *

The cigarette exchanged hands again and Sirius's raised an eyebrow. **"You're damn near glacial, Mckinnon. Take my jack-"**

**"I couldn't possibly,"** Marlene insisted, **"You look far too good in it."**

**"I can't deny that,"** Sirius agreed, forming an 'o' with his mouth and blowing a series of smoke rings into the air, **"Come here."** Marlene shifted closer and Sirius wrapped an arm around her shoulders. **"Couldn't have you going sub-zero on me. Word would get around that I can't get a girl hot."**

**"There's far too much evidence to the contrary," **Marlene pointed out,** "Anyone in your sights for the new school year?" **She passed back the cigarette and seemingly in an attempt to avoid the question, he took her hands in his, rubbing them warm. Marlene gripped his, turning them over to inspect his candy striped palms. He averted his gaze and she pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. **"You ought to stand up to him," **she advised met her eyes, shaking his head.

**"I'm not a coward,"** Sirius snapped, retracting his hands and shoving them deep into his pockets. Marlene wrapped her arms around her knees. She opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again, sensing that she had already said too much. As a measure of good will, Sirius passed her the cigarette and wiped his face with his hands. **"I know you mean well but...it's not about my happiness. You wouldn't understand-"**

** "What it's like to live a lie, wanting to hide from the world but to be accepted at the same time? Desperately waiting for your time to stand up for what you know is right?"** Marlene finished, rambling out of frustration. Sirius stared, twisting his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger.

**"I guess there's a lot that we don't know about each other,"** he said, getting to his feet and dusting off his bottoms, **"But it's better that way."** Marlene's smile dimmed. **"I'm not a good person-"**

** "So you like to pretend,"** she countered, **"I saw the way you tried to shield Remus in Potions. Everyone knows what you and James did to Bertram but you're not like James. That's why you broke it off with Adriana and Amelia." **Sirius looked down at her, frowning and twisting a lock of hair tight around his finger. "**You're loyal like a dog. You don't like to be dishonest. That's not a crime-"**

**"You're a ****_terrible_**** judge of character,"** he said, holding out a hand to help her to her feet.

** "If that were true I'd probably have more friends,"** she replied, leaving his healing hand outstretched and pushing herself to her feet. He pocketed the butt of his cigarette.

**"Quality not quantity, Mckinnon,"** he instructed with a curt nod, **"As far as they go, Mary, Cass and Lily make a pretty prime selection. You've got taste. I'll give you that. I can't say the same -"**

**"Remus and Peter make the cut and two out of three isn't bad,"** she whispered as they walked closer to the tent, **"No one really asks to be friends with James. He just invites himself into your life."**

**"Providing endless hours of entertainment,"** Sirius remarked with a fond smile, **"I don't know what I'd do if Lily ever agreed to go out with him. His endless pining is one of his defining characteristics."**

**"I hope they're together right now."** They both looked off into the distance. **"I keep telling her that it's all an act with James but I guess she needs to see it for herself..."** Marlene mused quietly as they stepped back into the enveloping warmth of the tent. **"Lily's so stubborn."**

** "We each have our flaws," **Sirius replied, taking off his leather jacket. Marlene gripped his hanging fingers.

**"The best of us just don't dwell on them,"** she whispered, **"Goodnight Sirius."**

**"Who knew you were so wise, Marlene?"** It was the first time in a long time that he had used her first name and it sounded like it lived in his mouth. **"Sweet dreams."**

* * *

At dawn, James was glad when he woke first. He had woken so often from dreams like this but today his heartfelt desires were a reality. Lily was lying in his lap, curled up in his arms, her red hair tucked behind her ears and pink lips dry and slightly parted. She stirred, pressing her cheek into his chest, green eyes fluttering at first and then snapping open when she realised where she was and who with. Yawning James pushed his glasses up his nose. Lily blinked at him in the morning light, wiping her eyes and straightening her long legs. As she opened her mouth to speak, nearby foliage rustled and Lily flinched, shifting backwards. A small doe broke through the trees, followed by a large stag with broad antlers. It had none of the doe's wary, skittish manner and walked before it defensively. Lily's grip on James's leg softened. Her whole weight remained pressed against him and he could feel her heart beating. James's breathing was shallow and stalled as he stared at the deer, acutely aware of Lily's hand on his thigh and her fragrant hair brushing his cheek. The deer nuzzled softly and then the stag led the doe deeper into the woods. It was a quiet, undisturbed moment which James vowed never to share. Lily turned towards him with an astonished smile which said she had never seen a real life deer before. There was a leaf in her hair and their faces were close enough for James to count freckles but it wasn't even August. James knew the chance of getting through the rest of the year without wanting to kiss her was slim. His smiling mouth hovered above hers. His lips pursed and she inched forwards, brushing his nose with hers. Goosebumps rose on her bare arms and James shivered. He picked the leaf from her hair and led her out of the forest.

_**A/N:** So there you have it. (**PrioritiesSorted**- I hope you enjoyed the festivities.) Funnily enough I never used to ship Jily until I started writing this but they've grown on me. There's just too much opportunity for hilarity and adorable awkwardness. There'll be less to come in the next chapters as James reverts to being an arse. What about Sirius and Marlene? I know a lot of people ship Blackinnon but I'm unsure where to go with it? (**ProudToBeABadger-**thanks for the review) As for Peter I feel worse with every chapter. It'd be so much easier just to see him as an evil traitor but it always seemed unlikely to me that he did all he did just for power and popularity...What do you all think?_


	22. Trailblazer

_**A/N: **If this chapter is a brand new update to you & you've been with me since the beginning (may Merlin bless your soul) I've added an introductory prologue to set the scene so please go back and read that & tell me what you think of it. Thanks! Hope you're all having a nice day!_

_Also if you found my fic through **tumblr **comment with your url or where you saw the fic rec so I can give your page a look see or offer my love & thanks!_

**"Open the door!"** Sirius's brisk camping encounter with Remus was never far from his mind. A week later it was still an ample source of distraction and return letters could not come soon enough. Another month without him was a sore prospect. He could barely believe that he had become one of 'those' intolerably needy people but it didn't seem fair. He could not fill his letters with lewd promises in fear that they might be intercepted by an offending family member. He tossed and turned at night in a bed which felt bigger and emptier than ever before. The night of the full moon he couldn't sleep at all. He longed to be there on the farm, caring for him in his father's stead. He wanted to read to him and make him tea. He wanted to curl up beside him and run his hands over his hair, kiss him softly on the-**"Sirius, mother said-"**

**"Isn't that old bat ****_dead_**** yet**?" Sirius tore open the door of the bathroom he shared with Regulus. He was wearing matching black pyjamas. They were slightly too long in the leg and pooled around his feet. Regulus was smirking but frowned at the sight of Sirius's face. Sirius had not told his father about Peter's birthday party and left Grimmauld Place of his own accord that night. He was harshly punished but every slap had felt worth it.

**"Why can't you try to do as he says?"** Regulus asked. That night Sirius had come back upstairs to find a cup of hot chocolate and an ice pack on his bedside cabinet and Regulus had fallen asleep with his pillow over his head. Sirius wrapped his arms around his little brother.

**"That's no way to live. I have to do as I please."**

* * *

Sirius got dressed and tiptoed down the stairs. He jumped deftly over the squeaking step and slipped silently into the tapestry room closing the door behind him. On the walls of that room the Black family tree stretched out, from floor to ceiling, corner to corner. Generations of relatives stared back at him but Sirius could not drag his eyes away from the singular black spot which had been burnt between his cousins. He raked a hand through his hair and slid down the door. He pulled a letter out of the inside pocket of his leather jacket. It had arrived on his last day at Hogwarts and he had read it over what felt like a thousand times. It wasn't particularly complex but it left a lot to consider.

_Sirius,_

_Congratulations on your exam results. You're all the good in our family condensed. I couldn't be more grateful for your correspondence. You are a treasure and you shall show them all the error of their ways. Weather the storm darling but please don't be a stranger. We miss you dearly,_

_A_

Sirius's middle cousin Andromeda had always wanted to be a good wife and mother. She had fallen pregnant in her last year of school, which was something her mother Druella might have approved of, had it not been to a muggleborn man. To make matters worse her boyfriend had been a Hufflepuff. Narcissa had kept quiet about their relationship for months, only to walk out of school last year into a seemingly arranged marriage to affluent supremacist Lucius Malfoy and sent a blunt letter to Andromeda laced with disappointment and signed 'goodbye'. Bellatrix had pressured her to reconsider. Sirius had not seen much of Bellatrix since her wedding 3 years ago to rich, pureblood Slytherin Rodolphous Lestrange but mentions of their handiwork were rife in the paper. Rumours circulated that she had joined the dangerous cult which had the wizarding community gripped by fear and Sirius wasn't the least bit surprised. When Andromeda had eloped Sirius had presumed it was out of fear for her new family's safety. He was happy for her but it was yet another topic on which he and the rest of the Black family disagreed. Sirius was slapped whenever he brought it up. Far from finding it romantic, Andromeda Black had been exiled. Her sisters no longer spoke her name. Her mother insisted that there had been some mistake. She had only two daughters. Regulus followed suit out of fear of retribution but Sirius knew he kept a childhood photo album full of her face in his bedside cabinet.

* * *

Sirius could not forget just how she had written to him a week after he was sorted into Gryffindor and he had come back to school with a hand wrapped in gauze. She had congratulated him on his escape route, told him that the things which make people different may often be considered a burden but are actually the world's lifeblood. She had named him the family 'trailblazer' but she had stolen that title. Sirius knew that there would come a time when he would have to follow in her footsteps and he feared that he lacked the courage to do so. He felt like there was more at stake. He wasn't saying that it hadn't been hard for Andromeda to accept that it was her sister's loss but Sirius just could not envision a future in which Regulus brought a child into the world and he didn't go and visit. Almost two and half years ago Andromeda had given birth to a daughter and no one had visited or so much as sent a card. She was named Nymphadora. She could change her appearance at will and a spectacular example of how 'pureblood politics' was utter bullshit. Sirius almost felt sad about the fact that such a wonderful little girl was growing up without an extended family but then he shared a house with them for 6 weeks and he realised how lucky she was and how she would only increase in perfection in their absence.

* * *

Sirius dashed up the stairs, slid aside the secret compartment in his trunk which was filled with muggle money, stuffed his pockets and left the house before Regulus had finished in the bathroom. He bought a cute hat and some bubbles, took two trains the six short stops to his cousin's flat and rang the bell. **"Sirius!"** It had been almost 8 months since they had seen each other in person. She had been sad to say goodbye and was overjoyed to say hello. She had always been Sirius's favourite cousin, on account of her love for the dramatics. They had spent childhoods at Grimmauld Place, performing miniature plays and could always be found jamming in the music room. Now a woman, she was barely recognisable from the girl Sirius had known. Her hair was shorter and she no longer wore the muted, conventional clothes which were expected of Black family members. She was wearing a white dress and a headband made of large red roses. It fell from her head when she pulled Sirius over the threshold in a fierce hug. He leaned down to pick it up as she shut the door.

**"You're taking free love to heart I see,"** he said and she took it back with a smile.

**"What war are you fighting?" **she asked, taking note of Sirius's gifted garrison side cap which he had taken to wearing every day since Peter's party.** "What on earth have you done to your face?"** She brushed his bruised jaw with her fingers. When Sirius only shrugged, she kissed his cheek. **"You'll have to be quiet for a little while darling,"** she whispered and Sirius nodded, moving further into her flat. It was small but it was homely and it was bright and open. Sirius no longer felt trapped. David Bowie was playing softly on the record player in the corner of the room. At the centre in a child's playpen little Nymphadora was lying asleep under a blanket. Not that she was as little as Sirius remembered. She had almost doubled in size and her hair was a bright shade of pink. **"I bought her this."** Sirius presented Andromeda with the hat he had bought for her baby. It was a cream sunhat with lemon yellow ribbon.

**"Oh Sirius..."**

* * *

Andromeda's eyes welled up and before she could stop herself, tears were spilling down her face. When they were younger she was always being chastised for her inability to control her emotions. It wasn't the family way to project any kind of vulnerability. Mostly as a way of rebelling against his father's brutality, it was something Sirius had inherited. This still did not stop him from following her into the kitchen and putting an arm around her. **"I'm sorry."** She wiped her eyes with a forced chuckle. Sirius knew that she had not received so much as a glance from family in a long time. **"It's just that...I've missed you...****_all_**** of you really."**

**"And they miss you ****_too_****, no matter how they protest,"** Sirius explained, squeezing her hand.

**"I don't like to go on about it to Ted in case he feels guilty-"**

**"He has done nothing to warrant guilt. He would move mountains for you which is more than can be said of some lesser mortals I might mention."** Sirius had only met Ted Tonks once but he had seemed charming and attentive: both a good husband and father. He had put forward his life savings and worked long and hard to provide for Andromeda and their new baby without the support of her family and Sirius respected that. **"They're not worth your tears. 'Life is too short for limitations'. You told me that when the Sorting Hat put me in Gryffindor." **She cupped his face in her hand and stroked the other over his hair.

**"When did you get so grown up?"**

* * *

Nymphadora's wailing broke the silence and Andromeda visibly brightened. **"She knows you're here. She loves company, the little show-off. Come on."** Back in the living room, Nymphadora was standing at full height, holding onto the playpen, gurgling incoherently. The last time Sirius had seen her she'd fit into the crook of his arm. **"Rise and shine, Dora."** She reached up with open hands towards her mother and was lifted into her arms. **"Honey, who's this?"** She twisted looking at Sirius with large green eyes like her mother's. She peered at him perplexed and clasped her small hands together, her hair changing from pink to black.

**"Siri..."** A dumbfounded grin spread across Sirius's face. **"Siri!"**

**"I show her old photographs all of the time. Would you hold her whilst I get her food? Can I get you anything?"** Sirius had not held her since she was baby and now she was a wriggling toddler. Her messy hair had grown long enough for pigtails and a short, blunt fringe. She had a round chubby face and a pointed chin.

**"She has your eyes,"** Sirius said still holding her at arms length as she tugged at his hair.

**"And Ted's chin,"** Andromeda said from the kitchen. Sirius could hear the smile in her voice. Andromeda had broken free of their family's hereditary bigotry and it gave Sirius faith that if Regulus was nurtured and protected the same thing could happen to him.

**"Where is Ted?" **Andromeda reappeared, carrying a bowl and two cups of tea and motioning towards the high chair.

**"Can you change the record to Jackson 5? She loves that."** Sirius placed Nymphadora in the chair and went to the record player. Nymphadora took up her spoon with an accomplished smirk and expertly shovelled the orange mush into her mouth as Sirius stared on in wonder. The record began playing and Dora lit up, wriggling in her hair and banging her spoon. **"Dora darling? What does Michael Jackson say?"**

**"Eee-hee!"** she squealed, throwing her head back and Sirius laughed. He suddenly had absolutely no urge to return to Grimmauld Place or the outside world at large.

* * *

Andromeda set the tea down on the coffee table and sank back onto the sofa, pulling Sirius with her. **"Ted is at work but he'll be home in the evening and he'd love to see-"**

**"I can't stay that long. Mother's hosting one of her ****_soirees_****,"** Sirius explained with a sigh, sipping at his tea; reminded of Remus when he realised it was Earl Grey. **"I'd like nothing more than to skip it-"**Andromeda's eyes darted to his bruised cheek and she gripped his hand.

**"No, darling. You should go,"** she insisted and Sirius took back his hand, shaking his head, **"You'll miss them when they're gone."**

**"Will I?"** Sirius looked her in the eye with a cocked brow and sincerity, uncertain whether she spoke of soirees or their relatives and they both burst into laughter, shaking their heads profusely.

** "Know that my thoughts are with you in this difficult time,"** Andromeda replied utterly deadpan, patting his hand. **"Surely you'll just pick one of her eligible matches to corrupt. That was always your strategy if I remember correctly."** Sirius clutched his teacup tighter, momentarily considering telling her the truth.

**"I'm...flying solo right now. You can have too much of a good thing,"** he explained vaguely.

**"Not modesty though, huh?"** A part of Sirius knew that Andromeda was the only person he could trust but he wasn't quite ready to spill his secret.

**"Not a very Black characteristic,"** Sirius replied and Andromeda nodded, **"The whole soiree will be an excuse for Bella and Cissy to compare rocks and real estate."**

* * *

Andromeda put down her tea with trembling hands, slopping it onto the coffee table. Sirius jumped to his feet to fetch a tea towel but Andromeda cleared the mess away with a quick spell. **"I'm sorry."** Nymphadora had thrown her bowl to the floor to grab their attention and was drumming noisily on the chair, singing along in gibberish to the record player. Her face and hands were covered in food but her mother was too busy wringing her hands and staring at a photograph of her husband to notice. **"Andi? How did you know?"** Andromeda turned to look at Sirius with an enquiring smile.

**"Oh Dora!"** she exclaimed, jumping to her feet. She cleaned her off with another spell, picked her up and hugged her. **"How did I know what?"**

**"Ted? That he was everything to you?" **Andromeda was the only person Sirius knew who had married for love. His parents were so distant with each other and his father so brutal towards him that Sirius worried that love could throw up on his shoes without him ever noticing.

**"There was no single day. It was slow. We were never exactly friends-rivals actually, until Dumbledore made us Head Girl and Boy in 7****th****. Apparently he did something similar with a girl by the name of Prewett the year before and they eloped after graduation. I have a feeling it's Dumbledore's party piece."** Andromeda bounced Dora in her arms and kissed her cheek.

**"The old dog," **Sirius said with a smirk. Andromeda put Dora down on the rug by the record player. Sirius took the bubbles he had bought her from his pocket and blew some into the air, smiling when she tried so desperately to catch them. Andromeda watched them playing with a nostalgic smile.

**"Do you think you'll make prefect?"** she asked and Sirius shook his head.

**"Not likely,"** he replied, **"Remus makes for terrible competition."**

**"Remus?" **Andromeda had graduated when Sirius was in his 2nd year and knew little of his personal life.

**"He's the best in our year; perfect attendance and punctuality, top grades, generously helping out at study groups,"** Sirius explained, **"I on the other hand, spiked the punch at last term's leaving do and now everyone wants my head on a platter at the Sorting feast."**

**"He's the education and you're the entertainment-perfect match if you ask me."**

* * *

Regulus had put their record player on as loudly as possible in the bathroom, run a bath and locked the door from the outside. He'd made Sirius's bed, locked his door and returned to his own room where he had spent the last hour pacing by the window. He'd been avoiding his parents all afternoon, flushed the plate of food left in Sirius's bedroom down the toilet and left the empty plate outside of his door. **"Reg! Would you tell your brother to hurry up? Our guests will be arriving soon!"** Regulus flinched and came away from his window. He crossed to the door of the bathroom they shared and rested his head upon the wood.

**"Sirius..." **he mumbled, **"where the fuck are you?"** There were footsteps in the hall and Regulus ran to their cause, desperately thinking up excuses, expecting to find his father standing at Sirius's door. Instead he glimpsed Sirius himself, turning the door knob and slipping quietly inside. **"Sirius..."** He couldn't hear him over the music. Regulus turned on the spot, crossing his own room to the door of their shared bathroom. He found Sirius staring at the overflowing bubbles with a smirk. He shut off the record player, and opened the window. Then he removed his leather jacket and hung it on the back of the door. Regulus rolled up his sleeve and dipped a hand into the tub to pull the plug.

**"You think of everything,"** Sirius sighed, clapping him on the shoulder as he dried his hands. Regulus rolled down and re-buttoned his sleeve. There was a brand new velvet jacket over his arm and his hair was swept back into a slick, side part which made him look younger as opposed to older.

* * *

** "Where have you been?"** he asked reaching up with a towel to wipe a speck of orange from Sirius's cleft chin. Sirius turned to root through the pocket of his jacket, drawing out a cigarette and a golden lighter. A short letter fell out and Regulus snatched it up before Sirius could stop him. He read it quickly, eyes snapping up when he noticed the sender's initial. **"If father finds out-"**Sirius rolled his eyes and stood by the window lighting his cigarette.

**"Are you going to tell on me ****_little_**** brother?"**

**"No,"** Regulus replied glancing at Sirius's cheek, **"but she _betrayed_ our family."**

**"She _fell in love_,"** Sirius stated, shaking his head and blowing smoke out of the window.

**"She ****_defied_**** her parents and ****_disgraced_**** our name."** Sirius let out a low laugh and Regulus stiffened, clutching the letter so hard that is creased. He was the youngest Black child and the butt of all the elder's jokes. It had come as a partial relief to him when Sirius, who had always been their parent's favourite, had been knocked from that pedestal by one word from a musty, old hat.

**"By marrying the man she loves, having a healthy, beautiful baby with him and dedicating her life to raising her right?"** Sirius asked as he strolled back into his bedroom. Regulus followed pulling the door shut so that Kreacher could not eavesdrop. **"That ****_does_**** sound disgraceful!"** Regulus smoothed out the letter and sat down on the bed, rereading her words as though trying to decipher questionable intentions.

**"She married ****_beneath_**** her and foolishly had a ****_half-blood_**** baby, ****_polluting_**** our gene pool-"**

**"I think it's safe to say that the Black gene pool is pretty filthy already-"**

**"Everything's a joke to you,"** Regulus warned, jumping to his feet and shoving his brother. His cap slipped from his head. Sirius dropped his cigarette, stubbing it out with one booted foot and a dimming smirk. Regulus stared at the ash marked floorboard crossing his arms. **"We have to _respect_ our origins and make _sacrifices_ to uphold-"**Sirius sighed and turned on him taking his face in his hands.

**"Look at this house Regulus."** Regulus's eyes did not leave his brother's. **"Not a single person in this family has ever sacrificed ****_anything_****...except their dignity. All they have to show for it is a new generation of sanctimonious arseholes who can never be entirely sure if their achievements are the result of actual merit or the influence of greedy social climbers. When a girl tells you that she loves you how can you be sure that she means it and doesn't just want your money and blood status?"** Regulus shrugged him off and sank down onto the bed, suddenly doubting every relationship he had ever had. For a moment he thought that perhaps Sirius was right. Someone had loved Andromeda enough to look past the stigma of her family to the person underneath and liked that person enough to stick around. Regulus wasn't sure that he would ever be so lucky.

* * *

Sirius took his hands off his hips with a sigh. He swept his cap up off the floor, picked up the letter, and dropped both items into his trunk.** "I suppose that matching doll's outfit on the bed is for me, is it?"** Tugging awkwardly at his own, Regulus glanced at the velvet jacket lying beside him. Sirius pulled off his torn jeans and band shirt and slipped into the smart black trousers which had been laid out. Regulus propped himself up on his elbows and tried not to look at the scars and fresh nicks and bruises which lined his brother's body. He fiddled with the fringe of the silk scarf their father had given Sirius.

**"Shirt?"** Regulus's head snapped upwards. He could not take his eyes away from the hand shaped bruise on Sirius's arm. **"****_What_****?"** Wincing a little, Sirius leaned forwards to grab the shirt, turned his back and threw it on.

**"You...could be more grateful-"**Sirius looked over his shoulder at him, lip curling in disgust.

**"You could pick better times to interfere..."** he snarled, buttoning up his shirt and staring at his bruised face in the mirror, **"I'm a little beyond your help."**

**"You know, I'm starting to think that Severus is right about you!"** Regulus stood, clenching his fists.

**"****_Starting to think_****?" **Sirius asked, mockingly, pushing him back onto the bed. He pinned him down by the shoulders and pointed an accusatory finger in his face. **"Stop that at once! That's exactly how you get yourself burnt off the family tree and you wouldn't want to be left out in the cold. Not a helpless little sheep like you. Wolves would have you for breakfast and leave your innards trailed across the moors. Death's probably the only way someone like you could ever make a name for themselves. You're no social climber Regulus. You just haven't got the guts."** Sirius withdrew, running a hand through his hair and pulling on his jacket.

**"What do ****_you_**** know?" **Regulus spat, **"Everybody hates you!"**

**"Not everybody-"**Sirius replied smugly, stepping into his shiny loafers. Regulus swung his legs around the bed and jumped to his feet.

**"****_Everybody_****!"**he snapped, his hands curling into fists as he turned to leave.

**"Reg. Wait."** Sirius grabbed him by the arm in the doorway**. "What I meant to say is...just...don't let them pin you down. Wander. That's all I ask. You'll see things differently from the outside." **Regulus broke Sirius's gaze, flattening the upturned collar of his jacket with a small smile and a nod.

**"Oh Sirius, darling. You look so handsome!"** Their mother came up the stairs and kissed Sirius on the cheek. The brothers stepped apart. Regulus stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked away down the hallway. **"Regulus, your hair! What have you done with your jacket? Honestly, must I do everything for you? When will you grow up? Your brother's put in the effort. Did you even have a bath? I heard you pacing up and down. I really wish you'd stop listening to music, take a leaf out of your brother's book and consider the bigger picture once in a while."**

**"Yes, mother." **Regulus stormed to his room before Sirius could stop him, leaving him at the mercy of his mother and the guests which had gathered downstairs in the sitting room.

_**A/N: **The calm before the storm...Hell is a family function after all. Should there be more written from Regulus's perspective? I did want to keep it to the Marauders, Severus and Lily but he's so interesting..._

_REVIEWS are the air I breathe._


	23. Seven For A Secret

**A/N:**_ Apologies for the delay but as is life. University commitments have stolen all available writing time...Not that that stops me. I'm a night owl and sometimes words just have to find a page._

Regulus returned to his room, cursing under his breath. At first glance, he could find no evidence of his dinner jacket's existence. Further investigation resulted in a floor strewn with bed linen, several pillows and half the contents of his chest of drawers, his wardrobe hanging open, and a near fatal trip over his twisted rug, but still no dinner jacket. Lying spread-eagled on the floor, with a riding boot digging into his left kidney, he recalled his argument with Sirius and the way he had left his jacket on Sirius's bed. He let out a long sigh, dislodged the riding boot, got to his feet and cut through their bathroom. Standing in front of Sirius's tall dressing mirror, he finally slipped back into his jacket and combed through his messy hair. He snatched up the crumpled cigarette Sirius had stubbed out on his floor and pretended to smoke it in the mirror. **"I'm Sirius and I don't have respect for anyone or anything. ****_'I have to do as I please'_****. I think I'm ****_so_**** cool...but I'm just a walking punch bag..."** Regulus would never understand why Sirius allowed others to hurt him. When his friend Potter had punched him at the leaving party, Regulus had wanted Sirius to fight back. Regulus had wanted to fight back for him, but he just hadn't had it in him. He had never been punched or so much as thrown a punch before. Their mother had smacked him once or twice, but their father rarely even raised his voice. Over the years their father had taken a backseat in their upbringing, drifting in to discipline and drifting out again without another word. Sirius received the majority of his attention. It was as if Regulus didn't exist. He would have felt bad about it were it not for Severus's assurances that it was a son's duty to outdo his father's legacy. Severus himself was evidence of the fact that some father's never grow to deserve their sons, and Regulus held close the sentiments which he had uttered to him earlier that year: that in the end everybody gets what they deserve.

* * *

As he made to go downstairs, he noticed a weathered photograph wedged into the small gap between the mirror and its frame. He saw himself and Sirius at around 4 and 5, snapped in the back garden, which was their mother's pride and joy. They were dressed in matching outfits, inappropriately formal for small children and Sirius was leaning down to plant a kiss on Regulus's forehead. It had gone missing from the family album Regulus kept in his bedside cabinet a few years ago. Sirius had told him that their father had burnt it as he didn't believe in boy's showing affection. For once, Regulus found that he was glad of a lie. It was one of his favourite photographs; just them together before the world intervened. Though he was also glad that they were no longer forced to wear matching outfits, mostly the photograph made Regulus long for simpler times. He flicked the cigarette stub into Sirius's open trunk. Stopping, he picked out Andromeda's letter and read it again. He was offended by the assertion that Sirius was 'all the good in (their) family condensed', but the allegations of betrayal he had spouted to Sirius were things he had overheard from behind study doors and been told over breakfast at his aunt's house, rather than things he devoutly believed. Truthfully, he was torn. He had always adored Andromeda. He had also never had the opportunity to be an older sibling to anyone, and he loved the idea of having a little niece to teach and to sing to sleep. Yet at the same time he knew and upheld the importance of being a Black. It came with a certain privilege. Wherever he went, people knew and respected him and he refused to be the one to sully that. Sirius was right. Regulus couldn't stand the loneliness. He needed his family. He could not trust his Slytherin house mates to become worthy substitutes. There was a part of him which knew that Sirius might one day take the risk, but there was a larger part which knew that he, like Sirius had done with Andromeda, would sneak out to see him without a moment's hesitation.

* * *

Downstairs Sirius had taken a left in the main hallway, bypassing the echoing laughter of the sitting room for the silence of his father's study. The room was empty, so he shut the door and crossed the room to the liquor cabinet. He took a glass emblazoned with the Black family crest, filled it with a shot of Witch's Water and sat back in his father's chair. As much as he hated the study, he had fond memories of sitting in that chair. His father had used to read to him until he fell asleep, and then carry him up to his room. Not that he had read to him in years. Recently, Sirius had spent more time crouching on the rug, listening to his father spout rousing sermons on responsibility and maturity, and while skin healed, he didn't know how much longer he could cope with the pressures of living on a knife's edge. He poured himself another glass and raked a hand through his hair. Then he realised that this was exactly what his father did. He pushed the glass away, leaning his head upon the desk, crawling under it and out of sight the door knob twisted from the other side. As someone stepped into the room, Sirius remained crouched with his knees pressed up to his chest breathing as quietly as possible. A blonde head of hair dangled into view. **"You were always the best at hide and seek. You're letting the side down."** His cousin Narcissa smiled at him and then disappeared. She slid across the desk top and extended a hand to pull Sirius to his feet. He took it, staring at the fat diamond which adorned her ring finger.

**"How on earth do you lift it?"** Sirius asked, **"Or do you have slaves for that now?"**

**"It's a little extravagant isn't it?"** Narcissa asked, holding out her hand to stare at it as it glinted in the light of the flickering fireplace.

**"But you deserve it,"** Sirius declared pulling her into his arms and hugging her hard. Narcissa had left Hogwarts that June and gotten engaged the day after graduation. Her upcoming nuptials weren't something Sirius was looking forward to but he relished any opportunity to be with her. She had always been the apple of her mother's eye, playing perfectly practiced piano sonatas to soiree guests, only to share cigarettes with Sirius on the back step. He liked to imagine that she baked very special brownies for her fiancée's business dinners and then watched with twisted satisfaction as their well laid plans dissolved into inexplicable giggles.

* * *

**"I've got something to show you,"** Narcissa said as she sank down into his father's chair. **"Lock the door."** Sirius willingly obliged, practically dashing across the room. She slipped off her heel and rolled down the black stocking on her left leg to reveal a healing tattoo. Inked into the pale skin of her delicate foot was the black, white and blue image of a magpie. Sirius smiled; Narcissa gave him hope that not everyone in his family was what they pretended to be.

**"It suits you,"** he said tapping at her engagement ring, **"They like shiny things-"**Narcissa hit him lightly with her heel.

**"They're actually very intelligent, adaptable ****_and_**** resourceful," **Narcissa stated matter of fact, then more tenderly, **"And they stay with their partners their whole lives."** Since childhood Narcissa had been the hopeless romantic of the family. The bedtime stories she had told involved maidens in distress, and brave princes who fought dragons and other formidable monsters to be with their true love. She deserved more than a lifetime of financial stability in a respectable marriage. Out of all of the Blacks, Sirius desperately wanted her to have the prize that was promised.

**"One for sorrow, two for joy, isn't it?"** he said softly, slipping her heel back on for her.

**"Three for a girl,"** she replied, looking up from her ring with a nostalgic smile.

**"Four for a boy."**

**"Five for silver."**

**"Six for gold."**

**"Seven for a secret never to be told,"** they finally chimed together, smiling from ear to ear.

**"I haven't shown anyone but you,"** Narcissa whispered. She was gripping his hand and staring at him so fondly and intently that he knew he could trust her with anything.

**"I'm flattered,"** Sirius replied in a soft, tired voice. It almost fell out of his mouth that he had seen Andromeda and she missed her and that he too was in love with someone that he shouldn't be.

**"You seem different you know,"** she stroked a hand down the side of his face, breaking Sirius's train of thought.

**"So do you. He does treat you right?" **Narcissa smiled and kissed the bruise on his cheek.

**"You can ask him yourself."**

* * *

Narcissa dragged Sirius out of the study and across the hall. The sparsely populated sitting room turned to stare at them as one. Sirius drew himself to full height with a forced smile. He met eyes with his father where he was standing by the fireplace and took a subconscious step backwards out of the dimly lit room, wishing himself back within the white comforting walls of Andromeda's flat. Narcissa drew him back into the room, and towards the fire, where a haughty looking blond his hair tied back with a blue ribbon, was standing with Sirius's mother. **"Lucius, do say hello." **Lucius Malfoy had gained the second spot on Sirius's list of least favourite people in the universe and they had barely shared a civil word. In the many years they had known one another, thrown together at family functions, Malfoy had made his intentions clear. The Black family had once had two house elves and his mother had kept birds. During a 'play date' of sorts Malfoy had let loose Sirius's mother's beloved pair of canaries and blamed their house elf, Beese, who had now joined the many beheaded hanging on the walls of Grimmauld Place. He was a sadistic, opinionated, wholly ignorant, blood-proud, supremacist. Utterly lacking in talent, as he had been at school, he had used his wealth to gain access to the ministry's Board of Governors in the hopes of influencing and associating with other aristocrats. It was almost enough to make Sirius sick and he could barely stand to be in the same room with him. He also had no qualms with sticking him if he in anyway wronged his cousin.

**"Hello,"** Lucius said with a curt nod, noting the bruise on Sirius's face,** "Still on the quidditch team I see."** Sirius nodded and reached across to take Narcissa's wine glass. He had the feeling that it was going to be a long evening.

**"You look different," **Sirius mused. **"I can't put my finger on it."** Malfoy stared at him with a smug smirk and a sip of his wine. Sirius had forgiven his cousins their refusal to speak with him publicly at school, but Malfoy had mercilessly enforced his rejection, punishing anyone who spoke to him, and encouraging his merry band of Slytherins to mercilessly stalk and belittle him. Once he had come into one of his Potions classes under the guise of speaking to Slughorn, only to drop a dungbomb into the cauldron nearest to Sirius. He had, however made the mistake of dropping it into Peter's, and when the thing blew, Lucius got utterly drenched. The resulting explosion had burnt off half of his long, blond hair. He had been bald for a week. Luckily they had been studying Growth Tonics that day. For the next few months, Malfoy's hair had grown with such intensity that he had reportedly woken up wrapped in it like a cocoon and needed daily trims. "**Have you had a ****_haircut_****?"** Malfoy narrowed his eyes and ran a hand over his hair, completely ignoring Sirius's line of questioning.

**"You look well. Though I hear you get a lot of ****_exercise_**** at school."**

**"Well, good health...,"** Sirius sighed, casually sipping at Narcissa's wine and smiling across at her where she was standing on the other side of the room in deep conversation with his mother. **"It's not something you can ****_buy_****. Like class, and common decency."**

**"Yes,"** Malfoy noted, either too dumb to catch on to Sirius's disdain or actively ignoring it, **"You might even make Prefect like Narcissa and I with an attitude like that." **He was staring across the room at her as she gushed to Sirius's mother about their wedding and the prospect of children.

**"****_I hope so_****,"** Sirius declared with feigned enthusiasm and the distinct impression that he did not have Malfoy's full attention. **"The idea of missing out on the opportunity to ****_terrorize_**** innocent children like some playground ****_tyrant_**** makes me feel physically ill."**

**"I...sincerely hope that you're not...coming down with something..."** Malfoy murmured haltingly, looking at him again with a conceited smile and a tap of his elbow. Glancing over Malfoy's shoulder, Sirius looked at himself in the mirror but the person staring back felt unrecognisable. The dark eyed, tight-jawed man in expensive threads and silk scarf conversing in a room filled with social climbing backstabbers reminded him too much of somebody else. **"I don't know..."** Sirius put down his drink and stumbled, gripping Malfoy's hand. **"You know I think I might have..."** Malfoy stared at him with something akin to concern. **"I was at the train station this morning-teeming with ****_muggle filth_****."** In one swift movement Sirius took Malfoy's face roughly in his hands and licked a wet trail up the side of his face. **"You don't think I could have caught something, do you?"** Malfoy recoiled, his wine glass slipping from his grip and smashing to the ground.

**"How dare you-"**Narcissa followed her fiancé to the mirror, wiping his face with a handkerchief and insisting that Sirius was just being friendly.

**"Sirius."** Sirius passed his father on his way out of the sitting room. **"Don't ignore me ****_boy_****."** Sirius stopped dead in the hallway, looking over his shoulder at his father's back. **"Bella's at the door. Go and let her in."** The fact that this was a job Kreacher could have done showed Sirius how little he was valued.

* * *

Bellatrix was standing on the front step, clad entirely in black, flanked by her husband Rodolphus Lestrange and his younger brother Rabastan. Rabastan was in Regulus's year at school but the pair didn't seem particularly close. Not that any of the Slytherins struck Sirius as blood brothers. He couldn't imagine them falling asleep drunk in each other's beds, visiting each other in the hospital wing every month or mud wrestling at quidditch practice. **"Bella! You've arrived just in time!"** Sirius took her gloved hand and kissed it.

**"Don't tell me something exciting was about to happen?"** Bella drawled, slipping past Sirius into the house, **"Not in this dump."** Rodolphus smirked at her as he shook Sirius's hand.

** "No,"** Sirius declined bluntly, shaking hands with Rabastan and shutting the door behind the three, **"I was just going to kill myself."** Rabastan raised an eyebrow as he took Bella's cloak.

**"Don't do that,"** she cooed playfully. Sirius watched Rodolphus down on bended knee, dutifully removing his wife's gloves. **"What would the girls have to look at?"** Rodolphus coughed and Bella gripped his chin. **"One glance and they die,"** she said, slapping him lightly. He didn't blink. **"You're mine."**

**"Excuse me whilst I go and throw up..."**Sirius muttered as he took their outerwear to the cloak room.

**"Shut it before I give you another bruise."** Bella kicked him in the backside and Rabastan's cloak fell from his arms. Kreacher apparated into the hallway and the cloaks and gloves exchanged hands without a word. Bellatrix drew close to Sirius and placed a kiss on each cheek. **"Will you ever learn to stop rocking the boat?"**

**"I'm weathering the storm."** Sirius slipped his hands into his pockets, fingering his Gryffindor lighter.

**"Don't you go getting lost at sea, boy,"** Rodolphus warned threateningly and Sirius held his gaze. During previous encounters he had made his disdain for the company Sirius kept quite obvious. Sirius had countered by pointing out that he was no better; that both his father and uncle were imprisoned mass murderers and with a family fortune in decline, as the eldest son, Rodolphus had been forced to marry the daughter of a rival family for money and standing (the Black and Lestrange feud spanned half a century, following cheating accusations from disgruntled, card-playing grandfathers). That was also usually the point in the evening when violence broke out. Sirius was not looking forward to reliving past evenings. He was willing to hold his tongue if it meant a quiet night in.

* * *

**"No, Rod, you're right,"** Bella agreed breaking the tension, **"It must be bliss to get away from that horrible school and all its scum."**

**"I think I'll be lucky if they let me back in,"** Sirius added and Rabastan smirked.

** "Oh, really?"** Bella looked between them with curiosity, **"What slice of hell have you raised?"**

**"You know me,"** Sirius said with a shrug, unwilling to return to the sitting room. **"I'm just a backwards Cupid."**

**"I'm sure your mother will find someone for you,"** Bella assured him, leaning back against Rodolphous and glaring darkly at his brother.

**"I'd prefer a warm box, six feet under."**

** "Girls would be queuing to dig you up by the sounds of it,"** Bella retorted, stepping as close to Sirius as possible and tracing a soft travelling finger up the side of his neck, **"Word has it that you're quite the Casanova."** Sirius turned his head with an irritated sigh and tried not to look either Lestrange in the eye.

**"Didn't he end up alone considering suicide and with no one but his dogs to mourn him?"** Bella hissed in his ear and pulled his hair.

** "Who?"** Regulus came down the stairs from the first floor.

** "Regulus!"** Bella exclaimed and Sirius took the opportunity to slip beyond her reach. She rushed to the stairs and took two steps, looking down over Reg with a smile. **"Have you grown?"**

**"No,"** Regulus spat sourly, nodding at Rabastan.

** "You will,"** Rodolphus told him as they shook hands. Bellatrix leaned down to kiss Regulus's forehead and he shifted away. She gripped him by the hair and planted a wet kiss on his lips.

** "Are you pregnant yet?"** Regulus asked, wiping his mouth. Rabastan let out a snort of laughter and Bellatrix stamped hard on his foot. She was no longer a schoolgirl but a married lady of leisure, living between afternoon teas, luncheons and lavish dinners. She was still beautiful, but her body had changed. Rodolphus pulled her towards him by the hips with a playful smirk but Bella drew away. She wrapped her arms around Regulus's neck and whispered in his ear in a rush of hot air.

** "You're such a sourpuss. What can we do to cheer you up?"**

** "Set fire to the house."**

* * *

Narcissa squealed again at the sight of her sister. Lucius frowned and extended a hand towards Rodolphus. Sirius took a seat in the corner, placing Narcissa's empty wine glass down on a low side table. **"Kreacher. I need a drink."** Kreacher stared up at him with unblinking eyes from behind a platter of hors d'oevres.

**"Certainly, Master Black. What would you-"**

**"Scotch. On the rocks,"** Sirius ordered, **"Make it a double."** Kreacher eyed Sirius's father. Engaged in conversation with Rodolphus, he simply nodded. Kreacher left and reappeared, pushing the drink into his hands. Staring at his father, Sirius downed it in one gulp and demanded another. His father excused himself, and crossed the room to put a hand on Sirius's shoulder

**"That'll do boy,"** he warned in a low whisper, **"You will apologise to Lucius or be treated with the same disrespect. This dinner shall proceed without any more of your frivolities. You will be seen and not heard if you know what's good for you." **Sirius twisted to glare at him and the hand by his neck tightened painfully. On the other side of the room, Regulus could not look away and his drink slipped from his hands, onto the rug. Sirius nodded, watching as Malfoy cleared the stain with a wave of his wand. **"Bring him a butterbeer, won't you Kreacher?"**

Sirius had downed four by the time Regulus's dorm-mate Bartemius Crouch and fellow Slytherins Vincent Mulciber and Evan Rosier arrived. Regulus brightened but his eyes continued to wander to his brother. Sirius turned his back to the room with a sigh and his mother took the seat beside him, pushing hair out of his eyes. **"Why so blue little Black?"** she asked and Sirius smiled, **"I know these aren't your friends, but sometimes darling, you just have to tolerate people, even if they don't share your interests or values-"**

**"Do you?"** Sirius snorted, **"Because all ****_they_**** care about is rejecting anybody they deem a lesser being." **Rodolphus glared across the room at him.** "Tolerance is a two way street, mother, and I won't get run down-"**Sirius's father placed his glass down on the mantelpiece with a loud clink and a cough. Sirius patted his mother's hand. **"I'll try."**

* * *

Amycus Carrow and his younger sister Alecto were the next to arrive, with the very beautiful Sabine Zabini and her current boyfriend Tiberius Mclaggen. Zabini was showing a lot of bronzed skin in a backless dress. All eyes in the sitting room fixed upon her. Tiberius hung from her arm, pleased as punch and punch-able. Sirius focused his attention upon Alecto instead. She was in the same year as Zabini but she faded into the wallpaper in comparison. Not that Sirius could pity her, rotten from the inside out as she was; prone to dipping other people's hair in ink pots and throwing first years into the lake. Lydia Litton arrived together with Tallulah Montgomery and her father. Sirius's father drew him into a one armed hug. Sirius leaned into the corner of his chair with a scathing sigh. His father rarely showed affection to anyone unless he had had a few drinks, but he had known Tallulah's father since childhood. Tallulah hugged Regulus, kissing his cheek. She was breathtaking and he was just a boy. She flashed a disarming smile at Sirius and he crossed the room to shake hands with her father.

**"Orion, this one looks more like you every day,"** Montgomery Sr. told Sirius's father, **"You were always getting into scrapes too-"**

**"I was always ****_winning_**** scrapes,"** Sirius's father corrected and Montgomery Sr. laughed. His forefinger brushed Sirius's discoloured cheek.

**"Did you win this one boy?"** he asked and Sirius stared over his shoulder at his father.

**"Not yet." **

**A/N:**_ Thank you to my readers, particularly PrioritiesSorted, the-wolf-and-the-star, MillyMB, Pafoof, ProundToBeABadger and MissFuckingMannequin. I experimented a little with your suggestions to write more from Regulus's POV. What did you think of it? _

_I like to explore the way characters see each other in monologue and how this is different to their dialogue with them because it makes it more real I think._

_Please review and expect more soon. This is an edit in two parts!_


	24. Protectors of the People

The sitting room of Grimmauld Place was full to bursting with people Sirius despised. He pressed himself into the wall, suddenly claustrophobic and the front door slammed again. At this point he was fully expecting Satan or worse, Aubrey Bertram, and screwed his eyes shut in refusal, only to be pleasantly surprised when Prosper Dolloway stepped into the room. She was the only female Slytherin sixth year who didn't have her head in a book (like Mafalda Hopkirk) or behind a clipboard and quill (like Rita Skeeter). She was also not a part of any of the Slythering cliques and had no doubt only come as a favour to Narcissa. They had been best friends at school and she was ecstatic to see her. Prosper was officially the only non-related guest in the room Sirius could tolerate. They had first met in detention during Sirius's second year. In his third, they had dated for about two weeks, but it had been juvenile and meaningless. He had left her for someone else and she had fed his schoolbag to the Whomping Willow. She nodded at him and he smiled. When she had managed to untangle herself from Narcissa, she joined him by the far wall.** "You look beautiful,"** Sirius said and she gripped his hand.

**"How are you?"** she asked politely. Her blue eyes lingered over his injuries, like he was an animal in a bear trap. Sirius shook his head and moved away towards the door, repelled by her pity.

**"On a word limit I'm afraid."** With everybody distracted, Sirius took the opportunity to escape. In the hallway, he breathed a long sigh of relief. Then he took the stairs three at a time, turned into his room and shut the door. He was adamant that he could smoke himself to death before his mother came looking for him.

* * *

Whenever his father and brother were in the same room, Regulus's attention was divided. He only heard half of his friend's descriptions of summer vacations at southern beach houses and northern cabins. He hadn't spilled his wine because he was nervous, it was just a test. He knew that had the situation been reversed and Sirius dropped the wine, their father would have punished him immediately. All Regulus got was a critical tilt of the head. He couldn't rid thoughts of Andromeda from his mind and his father kept edging towards the sitting room's open door, as though he meant to retrieve Sirius. Regulus imagined himself exploding, splattering the faces of everyone in the room, but he knew Sirius would have gotten the blame. **"Regulus! Is your ****_girlfriend_**** distracting you?"** Rosier nudged Regulus painfully in the ribs. Tallulah was talking animatedly with his father; all hand gestures and giggling, and though preoccupied, his father feigned charmed. **"She's distracting ****_me_****."**

**"I'll say,"** Mulciber added, looking Tallulah up and down and Regulus stamped on his foot.

**"Lost for words there, Barty?"** Mulciber stamped on the foot to his right. Barty Crouch Jr. let out a cry and stumbled into Regulus with a frown. **"Don't be such a pussy, Junior-"**Regulus held an arm out across Mulciber's chest.

**"Don't call him ****_that_****,"** Regulus instructed firmly, shaking his head, **"It's Cameo or nothing."** Barty often expressed resentment towards the fact that his father was his name sake. Regulus had suggested that he use his middle names as a nickname. He had gotten the idea from Severus. He harboured similar resentments and had taken his mother's respected wizarding surname and combined it with his blood status. He now signed all his correspondence with HBP- 'Half-Blood Prince'. He also called Regulus 'Little King'. As much as he pretended to hate it, it was a part of himself from which he drew strength and aspiration. Kings were protectors of the people after all.

* * *

Sirius reappeared as everyone was sitting down around the dining table. He lingered at the door as though he couldn't fathom sitting beside any of them. Regulus glanced at Mulciber and Rosier on either side of him with an apologetic shrug. Prosper Dolloway patted the empty seat between herself and Barty Crouch .Jr. Sirius obliged; though unwillingly, as it forced him to spend an hour sitting opposite Malfoy. At the very least, he was comforted by the fact that Barty Crouch Jr. posed no conversational threat. His father was the power hungry judge of the Council of Magical Law and yet he had seemingly inherited none of his ambition. By all accounts, he was a quiet, mother's boy. He seemed happy to remain under the radar, blindly following the likes of Bertram, Lestrange and the Carrows and, in Sirius's opinion that was a form of cowardice worse than any other.

**"Still on that word limit?"** Prosper asked conversationally, as the first course filled their empty plates. Sirius stared at the lavishly stacked soft cheese and roasted vegetables, wondering which piece of cutlery was especially for committing suicide. "**Shall we have nods for yes and head shakes for no?"** Sirius smirked and nodded. Lucius complimented his mother on the food like she had made it with her own two hands. **"Did you spike the punch at 'Remember When'?" **Sirius lowered his fork, twisting to look at her with eyebrows raised and then nodded. Prosper laughed. **"My friend Finola ended up in the ****_lake_****. I had to swim out to get her and I am not a strong swimmer-"**Sirius did his best to pay attention, but he was also dipping in and out of other people's conversations. Montgomery Sr. was assuring Sirius's father that discipline was a necessary part of parenting. Malfoy's complaints that Minister for Magic Eldritch Diggory's lax proposals regarding education were ruining pure-blood futures were countered by Rodolphus's assertions that he was better than the previous 'mudblood' Minister Nobby Leach, and that future generations would be eternally in debt to Malfoy's father for bumping him out of office. Bellatrix had switched seats with her husband. She was leaning across the table to tell Zabini and Alecto about a remarkable man she had met. He had changed her perceptions of herself and the world to which she belonged.

* * *

**"He showed me a world where we can live at the top, like tropical birds nesting in trees. No longer will we have to hide our colours to appease lesser birds. We will fly high and free, taking everything that life has on offer, associating only with those worthy of our time and answering to no one."**Regulus was captivated by Bellatrix's low voice. He had heard other Slytherins speak of the same elusive and dominating figure, but no one had captured him as well as she had. His vision sounded like a utopia to which Regulus desperately wanted to belong. The sacrifices Bellatrix had spoken of could never be great enough to deny such a revolution. He had to get involved because he longed to be free. **"It's all in our reach-"**Bellatrix was interrupted by the soft tinkling of a spoon against a glass. Sirius had stood up. Everybody fell silent and Regulus became suddenly glad that there were six seats between his father and brother.

**"I think it's time that somebody made a toast...to Narcissa and her engagement...to Lucius..." **The faces staring up at Sirius brightened and glasses rose. His father's lips loosened into a half smile. Narcissa leaned in to Lucius's shoulder blushing.** "I'm really sorry for...our earlier encounter, by the way. Had I known nothing about you before, I now know at least that Cissy has wonderful taste because you were...delicious."** Regulus sniggered behind his hands and Tallulah bit her lip, as Malfoy flushed with embarrassment. **"I'll wrap it up before this feast goes cold but I...hope that you both fall in love many times, but always with the same person and that you remain lovers, until both your blonde goes grey and you are combing your grandchildren's hair..."** Their father's eyes had not left Sirius and he became nervous at the centre of everyone's attention. "**To my cousin and her man."**

* * *

Their fight seemingly forgotten,Regulus was the first to clap, and Sirius sank back into his chair to subdued applause. Malfoy nodded across at him. Narcissa ran around the table to kiss Sirius's neck with whispers of gratitude. As the topic of conversation switched away from cults and politics to weddings and family, Sirius let out a sigh of relief. Tallulah was making eyes at Regulus down the table and Bellatrix's words now looked far from his mind. She had returned to her seat between her husband and brother in law. **"That was lovely,"** Prosper said, as Narcissa left Sirius to his fresh second course. She sat back down beside Lucius, eyes closed and utterly contented as he kissed her tenderly on the forehead. **"I don't think I'll ever get married...Do you?" **When he had been dating other girls, Sirius had never really thought about marriage, but the idea of going grey with Remus was something he had no trouble entertaining. He shook his head. Suddenly the water jug tipped into his lap, soaking both him and Prosper. Regulus's friends burst into laughter. Sirius shot to his feet and met Bellatrix's gaze. She ran her eyes over his wet crotch with a raised brow and a finger pressed to her lips.

**"Why don't you two go and dry off in front of the fire in the study?"** Sirius's mother suggested, like the kindly old matchmaker she became at such gatherings. **"We'll call you in for the third course."** Sirius grimaced under their lingering glances, took Prosper's hand and dragged her out of the room and across the hall. He slammed the door behind them and paced before the fire.

**"I am ****_so_**** sorry-"**

**"Breaking your word limit for apologies?"** Prosper asked, crouching before the fire ad fanning her skirt out to dry. **"What a waste."** Sirius smiled and sat down beside her, legs outstretched and rubbing his eyes. **"My family's exactly the same. You'd think the times might have changed since Victorian England, but it is literally as though being 17 and ****_not_**** having a boyfriend is the worst thing in the world."**

**"Totally. I keep getting all of these girlfriends and it's as though it's the worst thing ****_I_**** could do,"** Sirius said in a high camp voice and Prosper laughed. **"Let's just swap. You have my girlfriends and I'll take your boyfriends and maybe then they'll be happy."** Prosper's smile dimmed. She folded her hands in her lap and stared around at the books which lined the walls of the study.

**"My father had a study just like this,"** she explained, **"I used to spend my every waking moment in it...with him."** Sirius vaguely remembered that her father had died but not how or when.

**"What happened?"**

**"His heart gave out,"** she said shortly, **"Finola says that it's because he'd stretched it out. He was nice- too nice really. You know what they say about girls trying to find a man who will treat them as well as their father did? It's just never going to happen for me." **Sirius hoped that the same was not true of boys; that Remus would not push him to breaking point, laugh when he fell and tell him to fight back. **"Though I guess a lot of boys are nicer than they let on."**

**"What do you mean?"** Sirius asked, thinking of James.

**"Well ,I've been sitting by a flickering fire baring my soul to the famous Sirius Black for a whole five minutes, and you haven't tried to kiss me once."** Sirius laughed, took Prosper's hand and kissed it.

**"I wouldn't want to betray my reputation,"** he sighed, leaning back on the rug, **"I cannot allow years of hard graft and heart-breaking to go to waste."**

**"That's true. Not that I'm type the kiss and tell. Your secret's safe with me."**

**"Well don't keep too many or it'll be your back that gives out."**

* * *

Sirius flirted playfully and wordlessly through a three course meal with Prosper, anxiously waiting for the moment he could vacate the table, and the room, and retire to his own. He liked Prosper, but it was exhausting pretending that every conversation overheard didn't offend his sensitive gag reflex. Rosier had spent the last half an hour debating with Lydia Litton about the travesty of blood traitor marriages. He firmly believed that the resulting offspring ought to be considered secondary citizens and she agreed with him. Mulciber was leaning over the table, nodding at his friend. Every word made Sirius want to throw what was left of his desert at them. Regulus was sitting back in his chair between them, twisting a cufflink between his fingers. **"It sounds to me as though, someone is a little worried about the possibility of losing out on the Prefect position,"** he sighed. Rosier stiffened and Mulciber laughed

**"And to a brown-nosing half-blood at that,"** Mulciber pointed out spitefully, and Rosier stabbed a fork angrily into his uneaten pudding.

**"Snape can have the damn thing,"** Rosier snapped, **"He lets that moron Potter push him around. The coward obviously needs someone to take his frustrations out on." **Regulus glanced briefly across the table at Sirius and then away, tucking hair behind his ears.

**"He's ****_not_**** a coward,"** Regulus stated plainly and seriously. Rosier shook his head.

**"Maybe not,"** he replied, **"But he is a ****_dirty_**** thief. We wanted you**."

* * *

Mulciber laughed and Regulus broke into an uneasy smile. Despite sharing a dormitory with Rabastan and Cameo, most days he saw them only very briefly on a morning, during classes and on evenings afterwards, if he was socialising in the common room. This was also usually when he saw Rosier and Mulciber. Whilst inexplicable to his dorm mates and fellow Slytherins, Regulus preferred to spend the majority of his time in the sole company of Severus Snape. He was an endless source of knowledge and wit and whilst he didn't seem to say much, they knew each other so well that neither deemed it necessary. Severus had been teaching Regulus Occlumency and he had enjoyed several recent excursions into the minds of his friends. It certainly made it easier to insult them whenever they stepped out of line. Mostly, however, it had inadvertently drawn Regulus and Severus closer together, as they delved deeper into each other's minds and memories with complete trust in the other. It wasn't something Regulus had been able to explain to anyone and he wasn't sure he wanted to. Nobody had secrets anymore and he had always liked those.

* * *

Regulus's father left his seat at the head of the table to place a hand on Rosier's shoulder.

**"Now, Evan those who want never get,"** he informed him smiling, **"Now, the evening is getting on. We adults no longer wish to cramp your style. We're going to move into the study and leave you all to your devices. Bella, you're in charge. Play nicely." **The moment Regulus had been waiting for had arrived. Under his parent's surveillance, it was impossible for anyone at the table to speak plainly. As much as he enjoyed prying into people's heads, there were some things he wanted to hear from their own mouths. For one thing, he wanted the truth from Tallulah. He needed proof that Sirius was wrong; about her, about him and about love.

**"Regulus darling, how about your room?"** Bella suggested. Regulus squirmed, remembering the dire state in which he'd left it searching for his jacket.

**"Give me a minute. It's a mess."** He got up to leave and Tallulah followed.

**"Let me help you."** They left the room together to wolf whistles, hooting and laughter. Regulus carried on up the stairs to his room on the fourth floor. Everything had been replaced. The floor was clear. His bed was freshly made. His wardrobe doors were shut and the rug was straight. **"Some mess," **Tallulah commented coyly and Regulus shrugged. He cut through the bathroom locking the door which led into Sirius's room. Tallulah held her nose. **"Do you smoke?"** Regulus opened the window to air out the smell of cigarettes.

**"No! Sirius does...in the bath and in bed. Basically all of the time,"** he explained, fishing an empty packet out the leather jacket which was hanging on the back of the far door. **"He's a fire hazard."** Tallulah inspected the packet with a grimace.

**"****_Muggle _****tobacco! Doesn't that kill you?"** she asked, **"How uncivilized!"**

**"Sirius is very uncivilized,"** Regulus replied light heartedly, suddenly breathless at their close proximity, **"I think...it'd take a bit more than cigarettes...to be the end of him though..." **Her eyes were the brightest shade of brown.

**"What do you think will be the end of you?"** she asked her voice strangely quiet and husky. **"I think I'd like...to die in my sleep..."**

**"I think I'd like to...die young..."**

* * *

Sirius begrudgingly led the others up the stairs. He did not want to 'play', however 'nicely', but he didn't want to let Regulus out of his sight either. The last time he had played a game with Bella they had owned a cat. Now, he knew exactly what burning fur smelt like. He rushed ahead, knocking on Regulus's door and slipped inside when no answer came. He found Tallulah and Regulus standing together by the bathroom door. They were kissing and Regulus had his back to him. Tallulah's eyes were open. She spotted Sirius, but didn't stop kissing his brother, flushed in humiliation. Her eyes sparkled and Sirius was unsure whether it was humanly possible to feel more uncomfortable than he did at that moment. Even more than uncomfortable, he was disappointed, that his brother hadn't managed to find a nice, normal girl. Then of course he thought of his cousins and was reminded that Slytherin house probably didn't have much nice or normal to offer.

* * *

Sirius let out an un-necessarily loud cough and Regulus and Tallulah parted abruptly. His brother was blushing, Tallulah was not. Hoping the ground might swallow him, Sirius crossed to the door. He pulled it open and ushered everyone else inside. Once everybody was comfortable, the door was firmly shut and the room had been appropriately sound proofed, Bellatrix proposed a game of 'truth or dare'. There was giggling and then silence, until Bella leaned forwards with an ominous smile and asked: "**Who's going to bite the bullet?" **Those seated in a circle on the rug looked awkwardly at one another, uneasy and smiling. At the head of Regulus's bed Tallulah buried her head in Regulus's shoulder. At the foot, seated on either side of Bellatrix, Rabastan and Rodolphus pinched each other's arms in an attempt to make the other jump up and volunteer. Bellatrix twisted to stare at Sirius, where he was standing at the window, but he shook his head.

**"Seems the Gryffindor mascot is less of a lion and more of a...chicken,"** Rabastan mocked and everyone laughed. With a scathing sigh, Bella cast her eyes to the rest of the room. Zabini raised a delicate hand, to gasps and smirks from the others.

**"I'm no coward,"** she announced boldly.

**"Seemingly there isn't much you wouldn't ****_do_****,"** Sirius retorted, perching himself upon the windowsill.

**"There is always you,"** Zabini quipped and the room erupted into murmurs. Regulus muffled his laughter with a hand. Sirius turned to shoot him a steely mock glare but found himself confronted with the unwavering and unsettling gaze of Tallulah Montgomery. Eyes downcast, Sirius stuffed his hands into his pockets, fingering his Gryffindor lighter and wondering how long it took to burn to death. **"So what's tricks Bella?"** Bellatrix smiled and leaned backwards, sliding her wand behind her ear. She dared Zabini to swap clothes with the man she deemed the most attractive. Sirius had been expecting something more sadistic, but perhaps she had gotten soft in her old age. Zabini got to her feet and surveyed the room. Her eyes lingered over Sirius, and then Tiberius, before she stepped over Barty Crouch. Jr and sat down on the Rodolphus's lap. **"How about it Rod?"** Sirius tensed, waiting for Bellatrix's volatile nature to present itself. Rodolphus met eyes with his wife, but she simply nodded. Zabini smiled and stepped into the centre of people circling the rug. Both began to strip. Zabini was wearing fewer layers than Rodolphus. She was also an infamous exhibitionist. Sirius refused to give Zabini the satisfaction of his gaze. He found it much more interesting to watch the others watching her. Tallulah had covered Regulus's eyes and was staring at Sirius again. Crouch and Malfoy were pretending to avert their eyes, whilst Rosier and Mulciber were openly staring. Bellatrix's hand had wandered to Rabastan's thigh, and instantly Sirius knew that things could only go downhill from there.

* * *

Zabini was shrouded by Rodolphus's clothes and he had more than a little trouble slipping into her dress, but eventually the dare was completed and both sat back down to applause. Zabini pointed out Barty Crouch .Jr. He looked up at her with a shy smile and then nervously eyed the room. He mumbled 'truth' to a loud disgruntled tut from Rabastan. Zabini crawled across the rug towards him. She pressed her wet lips to his ear and he tensed as she asked him who he hated. Crouch's face fell a little and he stumbled over his words as Zabini ran a hand up his leg. **"My father!"** he barked and Zabini pouted, kissed his cheek and retreated.

**"Want us to kill him for you?"** Bella asked, taking her wand from behind her ear and tapping it to Rodolphus's throat.

**"No!"** Crouch replied quickly, unsure whether Bella was joking, **"Evan?"** Rosier looked sideways at his dorm mate with a smirk and asked for a 'truth' too.

** "Sissy boy!"** Bella cried. Evan flipped his middle finger. He was clearly afraid of being made to look a coward and Sirius thought he had every right. He had survived a childhood of Bellatrix's mind games. As a result, he was self-destructive and reckless and trusted no one. Regulus on the other hand had simply learned to do as he was told. In years past, he had been young enough for Sirius to put to bed before the evening dissolved into a game of limitations. Now that he was old enough to join in, Sirius was seeing a different side to him altogether. It was nothing like the little boy he used to kiss on the head in their mother's garden. He was terrified that the day was close when Regulus would no longer trust in what Sirius had to say, would no longer visit, and simply walk by him in the street like a stranger. It was after all becoming the family way.

* * *

**"Have you ever been in love-"**

**"Denied!"** Bella cried, slipping off the bed to sit behind Rosier, **"Have you ever seen something you shouldn't have?" **Rosier met eyes with Regulus, as though he were about to share a story he had only ever told him. Regulus lowered his head and Rosier uttered a low 'yes'.

**"When I was 8...I saw a muggle woman...die,"** he told them, pausing for effect in a way which made Sirius roll his eyes.

** "What was it like?"**Bella asked what it was clear everybody, but Sirius wanted to know. He was lucky enough not to know anybody who had died and he wanted to keep it that way. He knew that it was rare just by looking at his friend's and their families. Remus might have been young when his mother died and now have the good fortune of not really remembering, but Peter was the only survivor of a car crash. During exam periods, stress caused him to wake up in the middle of the night, sweaty and breathless and rambling about sirens. Every birthday he was reminded of the fact that he had lost someone because it got harder and harder to blow out the candles by himself. People often saw Sirius with his charm, Remus with his academia and James's overconfidence and came to the conclusion that Peter was a pointless tag along, but below that chubby, dawdling exterior, Peter was strong. Had Regulus died, Sirius would not have been able to hold it together. Growing up in a taxidermy room, he had inherited no morbid fascination with the other side. Nor was it a place he planned on going for a very long time, unless it was to barter for the return of a loved one. Sirius simply didn't know how to let people go, even those who treated him terribly.

** "Strange,"** Sirius's train of thought was broken by Rosier's voice, **"Muggles don't die the same way we do." **Sirius scoffed but Rosier continued. **"Their eyes kind of...****_fade_**** like the condensation on a mirror after a hot bath..."** Sirius observed the silent room of fervent faces. He was glad to see Regulus distracted by Tallulah's hands.

**"Pitiful weakness,"** Bella spat bitterly, breaking the silence, **"Nothing fades about our kind. We burn out-"**

**"I don't think that's true,"** Prosper interrupted and Bella narrowed her eyes, **"I saw my father die and his eyes faded too." **

**"Obviously he was weak ****_too_****,"** Rodolphus mumbled and Bella smirked. Prosper looked away and the game carried on. Sirius was aware that dynamics had changed. The air in the room felt hot.

* * *

Rosier chose Regulus. He glanced quickly at Sirius and asked to tell the truth. **"What's the worst pain you've ever felt?" **Regulus mouth opened and then closed again and Tallulah gripped his hand.

**"I...haven't...really...I couldn't-"**

**"Pathetic," **Rodolphus cut across him loudly and Regulus flinched, **"You will never know yourself if you know no pain. You won't get anywhere in life. Others will delight in walking all over you-"**

** "Leave him alone,"** Sirius insisted, pushing himself off of the windowsill and taking a step towards the bed, **"He's just a kid-"**

**"No I'm not!"** Regulus snapped heatedly, kneeling forwards on the bed to point a finger at him, **"I dare ****_you_**** Sirius! I dare you...to kiss the ****_prettiest_****_girl_**** in the room."** Tallulah was no longer looking at Sirius but he knew instantly that this was a test. Sirius's best and worst quality was his unfaltering honesty and it was clear to anyone with two working eyes that the most beautiful girl in that room, in almost any room was Tallulah Montgomery. She had skin like peach, feline eyes, a button nose and high round cheeks. She was also his brother's first girlfriend. Regulus was staring at him like he wanted a repeat of the situation with Olivia at 'Remember When'. Regulus would probably feel better if Sirius let him punch him in the face but he wanted him to kiss his head.

** "Fine..." **Sirius crossed the room, pulled Prosper to her feet and kissed her hard on the lips. Prosper sank back into a sitting position, red faced and with a hand to her mouth. Narcissa threw her arms around her giggling and stroking down her hair.** "Are you satisfied?"**

**"Not quite,"** Rodolphus drawled, **"Keep the ball rolling."**

* * *

Sirius didn't have to think. **"Malfoy."** Malfoy had taken the only chair in the room and was sitting cross legged, one hand in his lap, the other twisting the hair at the nape of Narcissa's neck around his fingers. She sat straighter, looking up at Sirius enquiringly, as though begging him to be kind.

**"Dare,"** Malfoy requested without looking up. Regulus respected his fearlessness.

**"I dare you...to play a little game, invented by your dear future wife, called 'Mercy'."**

** "Sirius-"**Narcissa tried to interject but Malfoy's was undaunted.

** "Bring it on." **Bellatrix slipped from the bed, clapping her hands together. For a moment, something flickered across Malfoy's face which could have been fear. Regulus had not had the nerve to perform a dare under all their prying eyes. The last time he had played 'Mercy' he had thrown up and he refused to be shown up in front of Tallulah.

** "If you've ever felt wronged by Lucius, now is your time to get him back without retribution,"** Bella explained, **"Everyone present gets to slap you in the face, as hard as they want and you have to ****_beg_**** for 'mercy'."** Malfoy looked sceptical. Narcissa had crossed her arms. **"Wand please."** Somewhat unwillingly, he handed it over. **"Kneel on the floor, hands behind your back. Narcissa, won't you go first." **Malfoy held himself as straight as possible. Narcissa gave him the lightest slap and kissed his cheek.

**"Mercy?"** Regulus and his friends were equally as tentative. Prosper, Lydia and Tallulah's slaps were playful and harmless**. **Rosier was a known bully and the first to leave a mark. There were no holds barred with Bella either. Malfoy was left breathless and wincing. Narcissa gasped and slapped her sister on the arm. Regulus's would have given up by now, but this game lacked a safety word. Zabini hit him hard, for a girl, drawing blood with her nails. Narcissa glared.** "Mercy,"** was the only word which left Malfoy's lips. Alecto offered him a handkerchief which he declined. She pocketed it and her brother Amycus slapped Malfoy so hard that his eyes watered. His cheeks were beaming red In stark contrast to the paleness of his skin. Sirius was smiling behind his hands. Regulus was glad that Malfoy was making a fool of him. He would not forfeit.

* * *

**"Mercy-"**Rabastan slapped Malfoy before he could finish and tears streamed down his face. The entire room seemed to freeze as he reached up to wipe them away. Bella simply shook her head. Narcissa stood staring at her fiancé, captivated. She had probably never seen him cry. Urged on by her brother, Alecto followed, slapping Malfoy lightly and wiping wet hands down the front of her dress. **"Mercy..."** Narcissa paced behind them, her hands over her ears and her eyes clamped shut. Upsetting her had never been Sirius's intention.

**"I think that's enough-"**

**"But ****_you_**** haven't even had a turn,"** Rodolphus goaded, dragging Sirius to stand before Malfoy. Held in place by Rodolphus and Rabastan, Sirius could not avoid Malfoy's sore gaze.

**"Make it count, Black,"** he spat, **"You won't get another chance." **Rodolphous leaned close, whispering in Sirius's ear so that only he could hear**: "It must be nice not to be on the receiving end for once."** Sirius tensed, his hands instantly curling into fists but for the way Narcissa had uncovered her eyes to stare at him, he just didn't have it in him to hurt someone who was kneeling helplessly at his mercy. Sirius shrugged Rodolphus off, opened his hand and raised his arm. He was almost offended when Malfoy didn't flinch, but in the end he had been hit harder than he slapped him. Rodolphus didn't care as much for a fair fight. He didn't even give Malfoy a chance to recover before striking him with a forceful backhand. Malfoy crashed onto his side. As the others gasped, he lay groaning and in tears, face down on the rug. Narcissa broke through the crowd to help. Sirius wanted to offer a hand too, but Malfoy would never have accepted anything from him. Sirius was preparing himself for retaliation. Malfoy pushed past him to splash his face in the bathroom sink. He reappeared looking dishevelled, stray hairs escaping his ribbon and wet patches on the collar of his shirt. Bella returned his wand and he regained his seat, crossing his legs in a casual manner to nods of respect from Rodolphus and his brother. Narcissa positioned herself uncertainly behind him, smoothing down his hair and retying his ribbon. The tension in Regulus's room was palpable. **"It's your turn now, Lucius."**

** A/N:**_ This chapter was particularly hard to write because there were so many characters. I wasn't sure who's voice to go with. Did I do right? I didn't think I'd end up dedicating three chapters solely to the Blacks but I'll be making up for it with a chapter each for the others once this soiree is finished but never forgotten. Please review!_


	25. Brain Damaged

_**A/N**_**_: _**_Final in a trio of Black centric chapters. Hopefully you've enjoyed them as we'll be visiting the rest of the Marauders afterwards. Thanks to Mathilda Riddle for being the second pea in my pod and my obsessive best friend 3 May MillyMB and Pafoof enjoy more Blacks and look forward to some tales of suntanned foolishness._

Regulus was on tenterhooks. He had spent so many silent evenings alone in his bedroom at Grimmauld Place that he welcomed the change. Often, he felt resigned to numbness beyond his years. Suddenly, the uncertainty of having no idea what was about to happen had hisheart racing. Regulus respected the fact that Malfoy had not allowed his pride to stand in the way of completing a task. As his father often pointed out to Sirius, the difference between a boy and a man was the ability to withstand an uncomfortable circumstance for a greater cause. **"Well then Rodolphus,"** Malfoy sniffed and then coughed, his voice returning to normal, **"I dare you...to cast the Cruciatus Curse upon Regulus." **For a moment Regulus's respect wavered, but then he realised that Lucius was simply offering him the chance to prove himself as a man, which was something Sirius had never done. He would always see him as a child.

** "No fucking way-"**He started forwards right on cue, hands raised, but he had no right. Regulus deserved a chance to set his limits. He could take strength from pain too.

**"Let's do it,"** Regulus said with a smile. He let go of Tallulah's hand and slipped off the bed, **"It's not going to kill me. I can take it."** Bellatrix glanced between her cousin and brother-in-law biting her bottom lip. Sirius stared at Narcissa as though he expected her to be the voice of reason, but she did not question her fiancé. Regulus would have thought less of her if she had. His mother had never cast doubt on his father's authority. It was not her place. Sirius turned his back to his cousins and the room and stood gripping the windowsill. Prosper crossed the room to stand beside him with a hand on his back. Regulus longed to point out that Sirius didn't like to be touched when he was angry.

* * *

Regulus had read about the Cruciatus Curse. Its usage was considered Unforgivable and punishable by imprisonment. **"But isn't Cruciatus illegal?"** Regulus did not want Rodolphus to go to prison on his account. He had read about Azkaban too and the Dementors which guarded its gates: fearsome creatures which fed upon happy memories. Prisoners were left empty shells of their former selves; lingering resentments, past humiliations and tragedy were their only company. Though punishable in the muggle world by death, a wizard who committed murder, torture, or worse was sentenced to have their soul sucked out by Dementor's kiss. Death was a release from which they were barred. They continued on; breathing, eating, sleeping, dreaming perhaps but they simply were not there. Whenever Regulus was eavesdropping on his father and brother in the study, he would think that a Dementor's kiss sounded like a holiday. Emotional absence had to be preferable to constant feelings of guilt, disdain and misery, but he would certainly have missed Sirius's mixtapes.

* * *

**"Correct. Sadly Cruciatus ****_is_**** illegal,"** Rodolphus said, **"Which is why we create our own spells to achieve our means."** Severus had dabbled with creating his own spells and charms. He always asserted that curses were another matter altogether. They were deeply connected with the caster's emotions, which made it easier for them to go awry. Only very experienced wizards were safe to attempt them. Rodolphus had never been top of his class, but Regulus wanted to trust him.

**"Rod, who are you going to pick for your dare,"** Bella kept everything moving, more than willing to give Regulus the chance to prove himself. **"Rod."**

**"Her."** Rodolphus nodded his head at Prosper. Her hand left Sirius's back. **"Yes, ****_you_****."** She nodded and stood tall. Regulus felt inspired. **"What do you have in mind Bella?"**

** "Raising the stakes,"** Bella expanded like a capable tour guide, taking Regulus by the arms and standing him in the centre of the rug, **"Rod is going to curse you and the time it takes for you to get back up Prosper will have to hold her breath underwater-"**

**"Fucking hell Bella! No! You've taken this far enough-"**Sirius came away from the window, reaching for Prosper, but Rodolphus was taller and stronger than he was. He held Sirius at bay easily with a hand pressed hard over his mouth. His words came out a constant muffled groan. Prosper did not need to be restrained. She took her place beside Malfoy at the bathtub.

**"I can hold my breath," **she said, **"And I trust you, Regulus. Pain is a construct of the mind. Black's don't feel pain."**

* * *

Sirius stopped struggling against Rodolphus. He looked Prosper in the eye, shaking his head. After their conversation in the study, Sirius had almost forgotten that the Sorting Hat had placed Prosper in Slytherin with the same certainty with which it had shockingly dropped him into Gryffindor. The girl who had told him about her father was vulnerable and sweet, but for six years Prosper Dolloway had fostered a tenacious sense of self-assurance in the face of classroom politics, mind games and Pure-blood hierarchy, escaping cliques and cults and forging a clear path for herself. She wasn't about to crumble over a game of 'truth or dare'. She nodded and Bella took control, removing the sash from her dress and giving it to her husband. **"Gag the cry baby." **She slipped behind Malfoy, taking the ribbon from his hair and handing it to Lydia Litton, who looked overjoyed to be included.** "Bound the tribute! Cissy darling, run the bath."** Narcissa stared helplessly at her sister and then at her husband as Prosper's hands were tied behind her back. **"Go or you'll take her place."** The others eagerly watched the situation unfold like they were at the theatre. **"Are we ready?" **Rabastan pressed Sirius down onto the bed. For a moment, the thought that he might be spared the sight of his brother in pain was comfort enough, but then he realised that he had a perfect view of Prosper. Bella was holding her over a bath tub filled with cold water, ready for her husband's word. If Prosper was nervous, it didn't show. She blew a kiss at Sirius. As much as he wanted to be impressed by her resolve, she had unknowingly spoken out of turn to Bella. Sirius knew his cousin well enough to know that knocking others down a peg was her favourite form of exercise and no one was exempt.

* * *

Regulus stood, tall and firm. Slowly everybody in the room dropped off the edge of his subconscious. Sirius was not on the bed. Prosper was not poised over the full tub. Every sense zeroed in upon the small movement of Roodolphus lips. The curse left his mouth like any other word; swift, smooth and plain. **"Dolorum."** It wasn't the unforgivable Regulus had been expecting and he was caught off guard. For a second, he was relieved. Then pain washed over him like ice cold water; instant, sharp and overwhelming. His bedroom re-materialised around him, the people in it shifting like a shoal of fish battling a current. Every single muscle in his body tensed. His lungs were crying out for air. He concentrated hard on the motion of his breathing. He had almost expected Rodolphus to go easy on him, but they were in-laws, not friends. The piercing pain in his chest faded, but the throbbing agony in the pit of his gut remained, like every pair of hands in the room was pulling and twisting at his insides. He was proud of the fact that he was still on his feet. Then the second wave hit; white and burning. He couldn't breathe. His ribs were caving in. His stomach was contracting. Three courses were about to spray across the rug. He had used to play with toy trains on that rug and now he was kneeling on it. He had fallen down. Prosper was holding her breath, waiting for him to get up. She trusted him. 'Blacks don't feel pain'. Sirius would have gotten up by now. He never stayed down. He never complained. He took his punishments with pride. Regulus refused to live in his shadow any longer.

* * *

Sirius was counting the seconds, fixated upon Prosper. She was composed and Bellatrix disappointed. Suddenly, the weight of Rabastan's knee left Sirius's back. Regulus was standing tall, a shaking hand on his stomach, his breathing stalled. Sirius's pride distracted him from what was happening in the bathroom. All eyes were cast in that direction, waiting for the splash of Bella raising Prosper from the tub. She hadn't of course, wouldn't. Her grip on Prosper's hands had simply tightened as she began to thrash. **"This isn't a game, for fuck's sake-"**Sirius charged across the room and was tripped by Rodolphus, crashing painfully to the ground, face first. He rolled over holding his jaw, and looked around at the wary occupants of the bedroom.

**"Bella, please," **Narcissa did not let him down. She raised her wand to her sister. Bella let out a laugh which caused Malfoy to snigger too. At her fiancé's bemusement, Narcissa lowered her arm and Sirius groaned. 'Black's don't feel pain.' He pushed himself to his feet, smashed his fist into Rodolphus's face and pushed Rabastan over the bed. He grabbed Malfoy by the collar and forced him up against the door. Regulus and Tallulah's intensely disturbing kissing session flashed before his eyes and Sirius released him, raising a hand towards Bella. Prosper slipped backwards out of her grip, water overflowing from the tub and onto the floor, out of her mouth and onto Sirius's shoes in a seemingly endless stream. Bella's silk heels stepped around the puddle and out of the bathroom. She glared down at Prosper with a look of disgust as she wretched painfully. Her short hair was plastered to her head and her face was a beaming shade of purple.

**"You're still the prettiest girl in the room, ****_darling_****,"** Bella jibed and Sirius tensed, curling his hands into fists. Prosper was within her rights to tell Bella to go and fuck herself but this was still a game. She looked up at Bella, shaking and wiping her mouth on her soaked sleeve and smiled. It was well practised and faultless and erased the self-righteous smirk from Bella's painted lips. Sirius pulled Prosper into his arms, grabbed his leather jacket from the back of the bathroom door, unlocked it and stepped back into the comforting silence of his own room.

* * *

He locked the door on them all laughing hysterically in the next room. He wrapped up tight with Prosper in a blanket on the rug. **"Sirius..."** He was so angry that he had vibrated his way out of his own body. **"Sirius..."** He was floating over them like a ghost incapable of feeling. Human emotion was just a distant memory. He tore out of the blanket, crossed to his record player and put on Sam Cooke as loud as it would go. Sinking down below the window, he drew his knees up to his chest. **"Sirius!"** Prosper was clutching desperately at her throat. **"I-I can't...I can't breathe..."** Sirius pulled himself together, pushed open his window and pulled Prosper over to sit beneath it.

**"Breathe with me,"** he instructed softly, his hand over hers, **"Count down. Just breathe slowly-I'm sorry..."** His own throat felt tight, the way it did before he was about to cry, but he couldn't cry. Prosper was breathing _with_ him. He started counting too. Her face was pressed up to his and her skin was tight with smeared makeup and tear tracks. He wished she hadn't stopped pretending she had it all together. Sirius got to his feet to fetch a towel from his linen cupboard and crouched behind her, drying her hair.

**"You're really good at that..."** Prosper whispered once she had regained her breath.

**"He'd never admit to it but Regulus used to have nightmares and panic attacks when he was little,"** Sirius explained. It had been easier to protect him back then. **"Father hated it."**

**"I was thinking of my father...when I was underwater..."** Prosper said slowly, **"He taught me how to swim you know...I'm so glad he's dead. I wouldn't want him to see me like this. He'd be disgusted. He always used to tell me never to compromise and I thought that was what I was doing but-I'm just a liar-"**

**"What are you talking about?"** Sirius asked bluntly, **"Are you brain damaged? That is a result of almost drowning-"**

**"I'm in love with Finola."** Sirius froze. His mind instantly flicked through an album of public information it had withheld regarding Prosper Dolloway's love life. He needed both hands to keep track of boys who had spoken of dates and kisses with her. **"She loves me too..."** Not that this could be used as any judge of romantic inclination, because he would have needed her hands as well as his to keep track of his own dating history. **"Shit. I'm-It's brain damage."** Her self-effacing laughter and blinking sore blue eyes, told Sirius that it was safe to take a risk.

**"I'm love with Remus."**

* * *

Prosper smiled and a huge weight lifted from his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and he leaned into her hug.** "I should have known that no girl was good enough for you."**

**"Your dad wouldn't be disgusted," **he whispered into her hair,** "And you're not really glad that he's dead."**

**"I wanted to stick up for you when you were sorted into Gryffindor. The others were so cruel...but obviously it wasn't for nothing. The Sorting Hat had plans for you."** The Sorting Hat had saved Sirius. Yet every summer he was thrown back into a gauntlet of twisted mind games and verbal abuse and as much as he tried to hide it, every year he went back to school changed. Remus wore his scars on the outside and that meant he could cover them up with cardigans and corduroys. It was Sirius's insides which were riddled with criss-crossing tracks and he hid them under an impenetrable facade of chain smoking, binge drinking and serial dating. Now, that he only had two of those things, he could feel himself crumbling. He removed his lighter from his inside pocket, kissed the engraved Gryffindor lion and scrambled to his bed scouring for cigarettes. He found half a packet in the pocket of his leather jacket and lit one up with a relieved sigh. **"Smoking's bad for your health,"** Prosper said only half seriously.

**"So is living in this house,"** Sirius replied dryly, **"Smoking probably has a better mortality rate."**

**"I'll second that, but I think you're going to make it out alive-your brother too."** Sirius flicked ash onto his floor. Regulus was slipping through his fingers and there was nothing he could do about it, but lose sleep and gain worry lines. **"He loves-"**

**"You know when we get back to school? Do you want to be my girlfriend?"** The blanket slipped from around Prosper's shoulders as she stared at him incredulously.

**"Have you just deleted the last 12 hours? I'm not blaming you, but earlier you accused ****_me_**** of brain damage-"**

**"It's the perfect solution-"**Prosper laughed out loud and hid her face in her hands.

**"Are you a planning on converting me?"** she asked and Sirius wrinkled his nose, **"You're very handsome, but you are also missing three ****_very_**** vital elements which I find attractive."**

**"If I let myself go a little, I could grow two of those,"** Sirius scoffed, **"That last one is just a...mystical formality."**

**"Besides you're taken,"** Prosper giggled.

**"And so are you,"** Sirius pointed out, matter of fact, **"So we say that ****_we're_**** dating as a cover and that way we can spend time with our actual...partners. When people ask where I've been and why I look so rumpled and sweaty, I can just say that I've been with you." **Prosper considered his scheme silently, internally categorizing worst case scenarios. **"Come on.** **From what I just saw in there, you're a damn capable actress. I believe in you." **

**"And everybody thinks Remus is the smart one-"**

**"Shake on it?"** Sirius extended the hand which wasn't holding his cigarette.

**"Will I have to come to anymore of these ****_things_****?"**

** "Undoubtedly, but we can bombard ourselves in here and tell them that we're fucking."**

* * *

_**A/N:**__ I was really torn over whether to even include that last paragraph but I just can't say no to a humorous section of dialogue. Was it worth keeping or is it overkill?_


	26. Emotional Issues

_**A/N: **__After a barrage of Black chapters please enjoy a magic and torture free chapter about a daydreaming redhead, her bossy sister and her bookish father. I find that it helps if you imagine him as a bearded Ewan Mcgregor! :P (Also sorry about putting this up for a day or two before and then taking it down but I wasn't happy with it. May you find it hopefully much improved?)_

**"Girls! Washing!"** Lily put down her quill, thoroughly frustrated with the letter she had been struggling to write for the past three days. She dragged her overflowing laundry basket out of her room and in to the hallway. Petunia pushed past her with a glare. Several pairs of Lily's underwear, four dresses and a rogue sock spilled down the stairs. Petunia stamped on them as she carried her half empty laundry basket down to the kitchen, but didn't spill a word. Lily sighed and collected her dirty clothes. It had been like this for a week. Their mother noticed the tension but seemed to refuse to address it. **"Would one of you ****_please_**** take your father some tea?"**

**"I'll do-"**Petunia nudged Lily out of the way and took the laden tray from the counter top. Lily stood empty handed, staring at her mother utterly aghast. She simply carried on stuffing clothes into the washing machine. **"How long is ****_she_**** going to keep this up? ****_I_**** apologised!"**

**"Darling, humiliation takes time to heal-"**

**"And I'm just a walking, talking humiliation aren't I?"** Lily snapped. Her mother closed the washing machine, added the detergent and set the timer. She straightened up, hands on hips and sighed.

**"Do you have to be so dramatic?"** she asked, **"I regret ever buying you a single book. If only you'd had the same affinity for dance as Petunia you might have learned some discipline, a little self-control-"**

**"And have the flexibility to stick my head up my own arse!"**

**"Lily Evans!"**

* * *

Lily stormed back upstairs. Petunia was standing eavesdropping in the hall, using the banister as a ballet barre, right leg stretched out across it, body arched towards her toes. **"You're so ****_emotional_****! Got the decorators in?"** she sniped. Lily did a mocking pirouette and gave her sister the finger.

**"****_No_****, but here's a suggestion: why don't you go outside and play a nice game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?**"Lily slammed her bedroom door on Petunia shouting for their father. Such animosity hadn't always existed between them. Once upon a time they had happily spent every waking moment in each other's company. Lily no longer wasted time wondering what had changed. She knew that it was her, as she had recounted a week and a half ago in a letter sent to her best friend, Marlene Mckinnon:

_Marly,_

_I've sent you a sickle because you won the bet, okay? It's been less than three weeks and I already want a dragon to airlift me out of here and feed me to its young! An entire day of back to back History of Magic class would be less gag inducing than the last few days. Every summer going back inside my bedroom feels like investigating the scene of a crime. Do you get that? _

_Petunia had this ballet recital the night I got home from Pete's party and she only bought two tickets! So of course dad pulled out 'in the name of a girl's night out' and I went and I haven't seen Petunia dance in a really long time and she was great but she's always so nervous when I'm around people. I really tried my best to be normal. I didn't wear a cloak or talk about how I can banish things with my mind. One of Petunia's friends called Warren even sat down next to me and he was so sweet and attentive. Then out of the blue, he was all "When Petunia told us you went to a special school, I thought you'd be weird but you're not at all." Naturally, I asked him what kind of special school I apparently go to and he said 'one for people with emotional issues'. Emotional issues? And you're thinking, 'did you just laugh in his face'? No. Ironically I let my emotions get the best of me. I called Petunia out and she was jealous because she has a crush on Warren. I really don't know why I did it but I just strode right up to the guy and kissed him...and then I slapped him and said my 'issues' were playing up. _

_SoI think I've broken my personal best when it comes to time taken for Petunia to hate me. I'm finally starting to understand why my mother named me after a funeral flower. I ruin people's lives. Please tell me that you're having a better time at home. Have you been forced to spend time with your insufferable neighbours yet?_

_Love Lily_

Marlene's barn owl Ava had brought a reply the very same day:

_Lily (Ruiner of Lives),_

_My room always feels more like hotel room, than a crime scene, but I guess that's because I haven't killed myself yet. There's still time though! _

_Now, you just have to remember how summer always starts out feeling never-ending and unbearable and then as soon as you start to love it, it's over. Petunia was a total bitch not to invite you to her ballet thing, but she's had your parent's to herself all year. She's probably just not ready to share them again. Telling people you go to a special school was probably a good move and you know she could have just said one for child prodigies, but then people might have asked you to solve really intense mathematical equations or play difficult things on the cello. You really should be thankful. _

_Oh and I looked it up and Petunia's are a symbol for resentment and anger. Does your mother know things that we don't? Seriously, it's creepy. And are you only asking about my neighbours because you got dirty with one of them in the woods?_

_ IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED I SHALL HAVE EMOTIONAL ISSUES._

_Love Marly_

* * *

Ever since, Lily's elf-owl Archimedes had remained in his cage watching his owner write several renditions of a return letter; telling the truth, versions of it and then just outright lying. Marlene also had an older sister and as much as Lily appreciated her good advice, she could not return the favour and spill the beans on her woodland encounter with James. There had been something sacred in that silence, in the tiny particles of dust floating in long slants of morning light, in the dew glistening on their cold hands and the single leaf he'd picked out of her hair. She'd pressed it between the pages of her favourite book and laminated it before it fell apart. She had dreamt about his thin fingers, her soaked slippers and those deer brushing snouts six nights in total. Every time she had woken well rested and content. She carried Peter Pan with the leaf as a bookmark everywhere she went. After fights with Petunia, something about it reminded her that she wasn't 'a freak' and that she did belong somewhere. She wasn't entirely sure why, but it comforted her. Perhaps it was the fact that whilst she was lost, she was actually safe in James's arms and their friends were out looking for them, calling their names. Whenever Lily read about missing children in the newspaper, she always thought that there could be no better feeling than hearing a search party shouting close by, your own name echoing out towards you like a pair of enveloping arms.

* * *

**"Lily!" **Her father popped his head into her room with a stern expression. Lily looked down at her hands in her lap expecting to be chastised. **"There's a call for you."** Lily practically fell down the stairs in her haste to get to the phone. Nobody ever rang for her, but she wouldn't have put it past a certain boy to get her number and call from a phone box.

**"Hello?" **

**"I'm having emotional issues." **Lily felt a little guilty when it wasn't who she had been expecting.

**"Marlene!"** But she was still ridiculously happy to hear her best friend's voice. It had been less than two weeks since they had last seen one another at Peter's party and Lily had no doubt that it was the exact reason that Marlene was calling.

** "Are you going to leave me waiting forever?"** Marlene was impatient. She had never been a fan of cliff hangers. Everything had to have an ending as comprehensible and immaculate as she was herself. **"Did Potter touch you inappropriately?"** With an imagination as virulent as hers, clear cut endings were just a necessity. **"Because I will go over there and violate him with his own broom-"**

**"No!"**Lily laughed. Marlene had badgered her incessantly in person the day after Peter's birthday and had been slipping mentions of the event into letters ever since. She was stubborn, but Lily was a woman of her word.** "We ****_just_**** slept. I swear. One-"**

**"Kiss a year!"** Marlene chimed in a bored tone, **"****_I know_****, but James Potter does ****_not_**** restrict his range of available filth merely to kissing. I am being a good friend-"**

**"I know darling and I appreciate that." **Mary was dainty and soft like a Disney princess and she thought James's proposals were romantic. Whilst Dorcas insisted that boys only wanted one thing and suggested that Lily at least give James the chance to prove her right, Marlene had never questioned Lily's refusal to date James, perhaps because she knew him best. Marlene had explained once how even as a child James had never been the type to let her win simply because she was a girl. He had always refused to accept a victory unless it was truthfully earned. Of course Lily had read too many tragedies to believe in a true love's kiss or happy ever afters and there were no dragons for James to slay, golden stairs to climb or glass slippers to fit, but without ever meaning to Lily had fallen in love with idea of his earning her.

* * *

**"So tell me what to do about the fact that I want Sirius to eat my face." **Lily gripped the phone a little tighter. The moment Marlene had mentioned her waxing affections for Sirius Black; post party at an all-girl's picnic at the Mckinnon's, Lily had felt grey clouds forming above her head. Her inability to keep a secret had brought Sirius and Remus together, but if she told Marlene the truth it could tear them apart. She didn't want to be responsible for any pain or heartbreak, but she also didn't want to be dishonest. She had asked her father for advice and without looking up from his textbooks he had said that 'she was between the devil and the deep blue sea'.

**"I'd suggest seeing a doctor-"**

** "Lily! I'm serious! I never like boys because-"**

**"You grew up with James Potter?"** Marlene's romantic history also happened to ancient history. At the beginning of second year, twelve year old Sirius had given her a chaste peck on the lips, effectively ending Lily's short lived relationship with him, but he and Marlene had not dated and it seemed that she had never set her sights upon anybody else. Lily supposed that it would have been easy to fall for Sirius. They did spend a lot of time together on the quidditch pitch and at the Potter estate where both spent much of their summers. He was kind and accepting; always willing to lend an ear or help you exact revenge. Now that she thought about it, that was all probably because he wasn't, as it turned out, particularly interested in that 'one thing' Dorcas believed all boys were. Dorcas herself had actually been on more dates than Marlene, mostly as a result of harmless prompting from her mother, but each had been unsuccessful. She was studious and few boys liked girls who made them look stupid. Taking note of her friend's unhappiness, Lily had subconsciously made a point of only courting boys with better grades than her. To date she had experienced three short, but sweet relationships. Ravenclaw Glenn Parish was gifted but boring and adorable Hufflepuffs, photographer Hadrian Blake and fifth year Noah Finch had seemed to care more about having a girlfriend than who their girlfriend actually was. Not one of them had dared to argue with her and Lily had realised that what she needed was to be challenged. She was not a passive prize to be won and flaunted.

* * *

She would not end up like Mary. Apart from a brief stint as James Potter's mistress at the end of third year, she had only had one serious relationship in her time at Hogwarts. For almost all of the rest of third year, she had laboured under the false delusion that charming third-year Hufflepuff, Gilderoy Lockhart was the man she was going to marry. Girls had envied her and salacious gossip and cruel name calling followed. Gilderoy had endlessly defended her honour, only for James to reveal to Mary that her boyfriend was something of a pathological liar and the origin of all slander against her name. Dorcas, ever the cynic, had restrained from telling Mary 'I told you so' and Marlene had hit Gilderoy in the head with an expertly aimed bludger at the end of the next quidditch game.

Marlene had been the subject of name-calling too. Slytherins addressed her as 'muff munching Marlene', but she never changed to please them. She continued to wear the boyish clothes she found comfortable. She played and she partied with the boys. She was at ease with them, which sadly meant that she was often mistaken for one of them, most often by the boys themselves. Locker room talk of weekend sexploits never stopped on her account and girls came to her desperate to know what had been said, leaving her reeling, confused as to which codes to break. Her loyalty to the boys simply never gave her the vantage point she wanted. Any boy who had shown an interest in her had done so with no intention of being her boyfriend, rather a quick fling she could jest about with the boys. She never complained because she didn't want to be that girl and Lily maintained that Marlene intimidated the male population of Hogwarts. The intensity of Marlene's sense of self-respect was Lily's favourite thing about her.

* * *

** "Yes and also because I have really high standards, but Sirius is quality stock and I want to buy all of those shares."** Lily wanted to smile, because she had never heard Marlene so excited about a boy, but she had chosen the wrong one. **"And put them in my-"**

**"How do you even know he likes you like ****_that_****?"** Lily instantly regretted her phrasing. **"I mean, you said you ****_just_**** had a heart to heart over a cigarette. I've had loads of those with Sirius-admittedly I was ****_not_**** smoking but-"**

**"Yes but you're ****_not_**** interested in him, right?"** For a moment, Lily considered saying that she was, if only in the hope that Marlene valued her friendship too highly to pursue someone she had feelings for. **"You're just friends?" **Her liking of Sirius would have had far too many Potter related consequences and she could not bear to see a friendship fall apart over a girl, let alone her. A lie was not the answer.

**"****_Yes_**** and so are you-"**

**"But I don't want to be his friend, Lily! Why are you so up in arms about this?"** Lily held the phone away from her face and hit herself lightly in the forehead with the receiver, trying to think of a valid excuse.

**"Sirius-he...doesn't date ****_nice_****_girls_**** like you. I...just don't think you're his ****_type_****."** A brief silence followed. Lily bit her lip waiting for her friend to exclaim 'fuck him.

**"Then I'll become his type." **Marlene's infamous self-respect was missing in action. "**I have to try or I'm going to become a cat lady."**

**"You love cats!"** Lily personally volunteered to lead the search team.

**"But they don't love you back! Not really. They just pretend to. They're the frenemies of the animal kingdom-little furry balls of lies!"** Lily laughed because she was allergic to cats and, as it happened, to lies. **"I want to-"**

**"Who are you talking to?"** Petunia was standing on the stairs, leaning over the banister looking down at Lily. **"I need to use the phone."**

**"I've got to go-"**Lily could not stand being in such close proximity to her sister.

**"Lick the phone before you give it to her and blame your emotional-"**

**"Goodbye Marly. Real talk. I'll write to you. Goodbye!"**

* * *

Petunia snatched the phone and sat down on the bottom step, smoothing out the skirt of her beige shirt dress. Lily stood awkwardly on the doormat pulling at her pyjamas. Petunia glared across at her, a finger poised over the dial. **"Can't I have some privacy? Or do I have to share ****_everything_**** with you?"** Their mother stepped into the kitchen doorway with a disapproving tut.

**"Excuse me Lady Muck," **she said tapping at her watch, **"But it's almost noon. Get dressed and make your bed."** Lily sighed and went back to her room, wondering why she had ever left school.

**"Lady Muck?"**Lily turned on her heel at the top of the stairs, crossing her arms.

**"What?"** she snapped. Standing in the doorway of his study, her father simply smirked.

**"As nicknames go, I much prefer Wendy bird,"** he said, draining his teacup and placing it back down in the saucer. **"Are you wishing you were back in Neverland?"**

**"A little, but Wendy came back because she loved her father,"** Lily said, slipping past him and into his small room at the front of the house. It only had a chair, a desk, several overflowing bookcases and a record player rather than a radio, but it was Lily's second favourite room in the house. There was a fluffy fraying rug in the centre of the floor. It was printed with a tiger Lily had once named Rajah and she had often laid across it, writing stories of her own and scribbling crayon drawings detailing what the two of them would do together. One of them remained framed above his desk. It was a silhouette of the tiger drawn over some traced leaves. Now, it reminded Lily of another leaf.

**"Wendy came back because she wanted to be loved and little boys so rarely know how to love anybod,y but themselves."** The smile drained from Lily's face and her father tucked a lock of red hair behind her ear. **"Who is this boy you fly away with? You're hardly ever here. All summer you've been off daydreaming."**

**"And you've been locked up in this chamber,"** Lily changed the subject, **"What are you working on?"** Lily ran a hand over the stacked, clipped and highlighted papers on his desk. She sank down into his leather chair and he ran his hands through her hair, undoing the knots with his fingers.

**"Editing English Literature texts for college students,"** he explained and Lily nodded, **"The metaphysical poets with their conceits and their epigrams."** Lily wished that people and not just poets had the ability to say what they meant in as few words as possible. It would have untangled several metres of crossed wires and saved her hours of confusion. She certainly would have been on good terms with Petunia. Her father had refused to take a side and seemed to speak solely in idioms and lines of poetry. As a child her father had read to her the likes of Walt Whitman and Edgar Allen Poe. She had frequently requested to hear his lilting, Scottish voice recount to her Poe's tale of 'Annabel Lee' in her kingdom by the sea; ever since she had wanted 'to love a love that was more than love' that the angels in heaven would envy.

**"Have you seen my typewriter?" Lily asked, **drawing her knees up to her chest. Her father leaned down to kiss her head.

**"I think Petunia borrowed it a few weeks ago and forgot to put it back."** Lily let out a scathing sigh and slouched out of the door. **"Write her a story about Princess Pet like you used to."**

* * *

Lily would write her a story alright-about a spoilt princess who danced her way right into a ditch. The last time Lily had written Petunia a story was probably around the same time she had last been in her room. It was still powder pink and hung with floral bunting. Her desk was clear, her bed was made and shoes were lined up neatly by the door. Her bookcases only held a few titles; stories about damsels in distress, fairytale princesses, 'The Tale of Peter Rabbit', numerous cookbooks, embroidery instructions and chunky texts on ballet form and history. The rest of her shelf space was taken up by gold and silver trophies and printed certificates in frames, detailing competitions she had won and performances she had either featured in or lead. Fingering the medals which hung from shelf brackets, Lily remembered why she didn't often visit her sister's room. The stacked shelves of gleaming prizes and the glare of the sun on framed congratulations had always made Lily's bookshelves look like foolish child's play. Petunia had spent hours refining her skills; putting her all into perfectly positioned feet, perpetually pointed toes and knowledge of dance related casual French. Lily had been studying magic for four whole years. If she did have anything to show for it, her parents were the very last people she could show it to.

* * *

**"You're not at school now."** Petunia was standing in the doorway, hands on her hips. Lily fumbled with the medal she was holding dropping it to the ground. Petunia swept into the room to snatch it up and replace it. **"My initials on the door mean it's private."**

**"Well you seemed to have no problem breaking that rule when you needed to borrow ****_my_**** typewriter,"** Lily sniped as she heaved it off of Petunia's desk.

**"Well it wasn't much use to you and you prefer more medi-****_evil_**** methods now-"**

**"I can't be bothered arguing with you,"** Lily sighed as she crossed the hall, **"Just put it back next time."**

**"Who knows what's lurking in ****_there_****,"** Petunia said from hallway, nose wrinkled in disgust at the state of Lily's room.

**"I forget,"** Lily remarked, swiping papers and old biscuit wrappers from her desk and replacing her beloved typewriter, **"about the dragon in my desk drawer and the goblins under my bed...and the ****_hag_**** in the room across the hall."** Petunia looked over her shoulder and then back at Lily scowling when she realized what she meant.

* * *

Lily brushed her hair and her teeth, washed her face and swapped her pyjamas for a sun dress. She made her bed, filled her old messenger bag with a blanket, a tin of pencils and a notebook and tiptoed down the stairs. She edged quietly into the kitchen where her mother was standing at the sink washing dishes, grabbed a few carrots from the vegetable bin and stashed them in her bag. She slipped into a pair of boots sitting in the rack by the front door and left the house. She had nowhere to go, but the library or the sparse high street and no one to go with. She passed the living room window and pushed through the side gate which led to the back garden. She picked a rose from her mother's conservatory and hid it in her left boot. **"I've caught you in the act."** Her father was hanging out of his study window at the side of the house. **"Flower thief! I can really only blame myself: children ****_clearly_**** only turn to crime as a result of bad parenting."**

**"There are worse thieves,"** Lily laughed and he nodded.

**"Oh indeed. Unrequited love is the first and time is the second worst,"** he said and then he extended a fist and motioned for Lily to come closer to the house, **"Wherever you're off, be safe."** Lily held out her hands and he opened his fist, dropping his old pocket watch. Lily caught it with ease and thanks. **"This window will always be open for you."** Lily laughed and carried on into the garden, pushing her father's watch into the safety of her satchel.

**"Did you clean up that pigsty?"** her mother shouted out to her from the kitchen window. "Come here. I've got something for you."

**"Yes. It's clean,"** Lily muttered, pausing beneath the window. **"I don't need any-"**Her mother wiped her hand dry on a tea towel and passed a creased piece of parchment through the window. Lily took it from her, mouth dropping open in horror.

**"Don't worry. I didn't read it. Though you really ought to find a better place for your letters than your pillowcase,"** her mother explained with a knowing smirk. Lily turned away to hide her blushing face and went to the garden shed, unlocking it and removing her bike. **"Where exactly are you going?"** Lily relocked the shed and tested her bike bell.

**"To see Severus-"**She wheeled her bike down the garden, careful to avoid her mother's cabbage patch and flower arrangements.

**"Dinner's at one!"** She pulled open the back gate. **"Invite our Sev-"**

**"We'll go to the cafe-"**And stepped out into the back alley lined with empty dustbins.

**"Make sure you're back for tea!"** Lily had left school and yet curfew remained. She couldn't stand the constant rules and regulations. She just wanted to go where she pleased and for however long. She was too old to be babysat and too young to live alone. Eventually she'd have to stop trick or treating and suicide or motherhood would be the only options left open to her.

* * *

She pushed her bike down the twenty feet of cobbled road to Severus's back gate, propped it up there and stepped inside. His house had a small cement yard instead of a garden with a washing line instead of a tree. Lily skipped up to the back door and knocked lightly upon the peeling frame. Severus's father answered. He was wearing a tattered bath robe and holding a half-empty bottle of beer. **"What is wrong with you ****_people_****?" **he slurred, "**We have got a fucking front door."**

**"I know that, sir...I'm sorry,"** Lily replied politely, **"But, is Severus, home?"**

**"He's dead." **He slammed the door shut again. Lily might have panicked if it were the first time he had said this, but she had already called for Severus several times since summer had begun. Somehow they kept missing each other. She had passed him once on the bus and he had stopped by at her place when she was at the ballet and then shopping. She had blown her gifted whistle once or twice, but Severus had not come running. In his absence she had developed a contact system of her own. She pulled herself up on top of the small shed which sat directly below his bedroom and slipped the rose stolen from her mother's conservatory into the lining of his window. The fact that he had removed the last one let her know that at least he knew she was thinking of him and vice versa.

* * *

Lily left his garden and the alley and got onto her bike. At some point whilst cleaning her room, replacing a fallen copy of 'The Silver Brumby' back on her bookshelf she had decided she would visit a favourite childhood haunt. She turned onto Spinner's End and began pedalling down it and away from the high street. The further she went, the less people stopped her to say hello and the more rural her surroundings became. She passed the factories, the flour mill and the dairy farm until eventually she had to get off her bike and push it the final stretch over an uneven field. Then she set her bike down, laid out her blanket, dropped her notebook and retrieved the handful of dirty carrots, only to find that the field was empty. Every summer as a child their mother had taken Lily and Petunia to the farm to volunteer for the day, grooming and feeding animals, cleaning and eating and getting paid in fresh produce. Petunia had hated getting her hands dirty, but liked sharing Lily's strawberries and porridge oats. Lily had gone mostly for the chance to ride the horses and continued to visit them every summer after she had received her bike for her 10th birthday. As she was about to sit back down, at the end of the field the paddock doors were flung open and four horses stepped out into the sun: a bay mare, a palomino and a skewbald stallion and a sorrel filly. As a child Lily had devoured every book to do with horses that she could get her hands on. She had known every breed and colour and enthusiastically maintained that if she had a daughter she would name her Sorrel no matter what her husband thought. Though now she barely thought about horses or rode them anymore or could even really ever see herself getting married, she still thought Sorrel was a beautiful name for a little redheaded girl.

The horses were still as friendly as Lily remembered and she liked to imagine that the elders at least remembered her. The stallion Willoughby was a handsome horse named after one of Lily's least favourite Austen character,s but a little too boisterous for her tastes. Whilst the bay mare Muffin had always been too shy causing Lily to choose to ride the beautiful dark palomino, Caspian. She decided to name the adorable filly Yuri after a character from 'The Silver Brumby'. The four of them finished off Lily's carrots quickly leaving her a little guilty that she hadn't brought more. She petted them, stroking her hands down their muzzles and over their manes until they wandered away. Then she sat down and rifling through her bag coming across the creased letter which had almost met the depths of the washing machine. It had arrived the day after the regrettable events of Petunia's recital as though the sender knew just when her spirits were in need of raising and it was creased because she had read it so many times.

_Doe,_

_Recent trips to my library have taught me the following;_

_deer can adapt to just about any habitat_

_the area they inhabit is called the 'home range'_

_deer are excellent swimmers, have a great sense of hearing and night vision _

_they are herbivores_

_they also have a four-chambered stomach (that's a lot of vegetation!)_

_their breeding season is between October and January (hello first term!)_

_females are known as does and males as stags or bucks_

_their young are called fawns_

_fawns are protected by a lack of scent as predators cannot smell them_

_fawns stay with their mother for 1-2 years_

_the life expectancy of deer is 20 years_

_I could do so much in twenty years with you. _

_Buck_

Lily preferred her new nickname to any she had received previously (Ginger, Annie, Rusty, Strawberry Shortcake, Torch, Evans, Red and even Wendy). She had written an immediate reply, but waited almost an entire week to send it and it seemed that he was doing the same. Regardless, looking forward to hearing from James Potter wasn't a sensation that she was accustomed to. That was how she knew for certain that she was having an utterly abysmal summer. She put the letter away and tried to draw the horses, but after a few failed attempts she realised that her horses were coming out too squat in stature and lithe in shape with tiny muzzles and hooves. She slammed her notebook shut and threw it in her bag with her pencils, the letter and the rolled up blanket. She took one last look at the horses wishing her life was so simple and then headed to the library, intent upon finding a solution for ridding her of a ridiculous preoccupation with...deer.

**_A/N: _**_Did you like this? What were your childhood nicknames? I wish you all well and love and adore you for reading._

_(Mine was Minnie because I was so skinny and because my first name is Jasmin. I much prefer it to Jaz at any rate.) _


End file.
